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muslim single parent in need of advice

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Women (Sisters)
Forum Discription: Groups Women (Sisters)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=9912
Printed Date: 01 October 2014 at 3:30am


Topic: muslim single parent in need of advice
Posted By: layalee
Subject: muslim single parent in need of advice
Date Posted: 04 August 2007 at 4:32pm

salaam to all.

First I want to say I appreciate this site. Its wonderful to find an active muslim on-line community.

Sisters, I am in need of prayer and advice. I have made some wrong mistakes and I pray to Allah that he forgives me.

I am 25 years old. I was introduced to Islam at a young age by my father, but he followed the beliefs of the Nation of Islam. As I got older and reached my high school years my beliefs turn towards more orthrodox beliefs. Took my shahada at the age of 16, and I practiced and worship Allah(swt) with all my heart.

When I went to college I became like most, a young individual eager to learn, I started to question how authentic the Quran really is. Because I could not find the resources and did not correspond with any other muslims I strayed away, and during those years I did not consider myself a Muslim anymore because I knew in my heart that my lifestyle did not mirror a rightous Muslim anymore.

Eventually I have recently returned back to Islam but prior to coming back I had a daughter out of wedlock. The father does not support me and I live with my mother that helps me greatly.

My return back to Islam has been recent(about four months ago) and I welcomed it with a open heart. But it has been a slight challenge ridding of old habits and bad lifestyles...I got rid of alot, but a few I struggled deeply with, i.e dating, smoking cigarrettes, my way of dress.

well here is my current biggest mistake I have done....and the core porpose of my posting.

In the past few months I met a Muslim man that I assumed would be my husband, we declared our love for each other. After two and half months of courting I mention to him that we should discuss becoming life partners. In so many words he said he was not ready and don't know when he would be ready, but he wanted us to continue being a 'couple', I did not want that becasue we were already fornicating and I felt so bad we were having a relationship that was sinful in Allah(swt) eyes. Still he did not see my ways, and I felt really rejected by him and hurt because I could not want to continue having a relationship that was wrong in Allah(swt) eyes.

I felt so lonely when we 'broke up' and I wanted comfort. I called up an old male friend for companionship( non-muslim) we ended up fornicating that night, the outcome of that, I became pregnant! ( just found out two days ago) Another child out of wedlock! To make matters worse, the father says either get an abortion, or I will do nothing to help! While it blows my mind someone that makes a child would be so cruel, I remain highly against abortions and look at it as murder.

It will be very challenging though for me to raise two children on my own with no help from the fathers. I know Allah(swt) only give you situations in life you can deal with.....but what am I to do??

Will Allah(swt) forgive me for having two kids out of wedlock?

can I get through this?

why do I make the same mistakes...

there is a verse out the Quran that alarms me, it makes me wonder if Allah will forgive me..... can someone explain what it means and is there still a chance for me to go down the right path..

3:91- surely, those who disbelieve after they have believed and then increase in disbelief, their repentance will not be accepted, and these are they who have gone astray.

does that mean because I believed at one point, but stop believing, that regardless of me returning and repenting, I will not be accepted....??

thank you everyone for reading my posting,

and many blessing to all.

layalee

after posting I now believe I have a better understanding of what the verse means.

I believe it means that in so many words that a believer can not turn around and commit sin knowing that what they are doing is wrong and assuming that repentance will save them.

 




Replies:
Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 05 August 2007 at 9:44am

Wow.

I'm even afraid to give a male POV (point of view). But I'll respond to you very shortly.....Allow me to mentally digest all of this.



Posted By: Salams_wife
Date Posted: 05 August 2007 at 1:07pm

I don't believe that anyone can tell you that God will forgive you.  Only God can know what he will do.  The best thing you can do is become the best Muslim woman possible.  Try your best to do only the right things from now on and raise your children in the best way possible.  Then God will look at your actions from then on and decide if you are deserving.

Truly, I think you must focus on yourself and your children and stay away from men for now.  I am glad that you have your mother to help you.  Inshallah you will be led to the right path and will not lead astray again.



Posted By: lovesakeenah
Date Posted: 05 August 2007 at 1:08pm

As-salaam alaykum

I dnt have the schorlarly advise for you,I'd leave bro.Israfil to do that.Meanwhile,it seems to me that you know what you want but you're mixing with the wrong people.There're issues you need to deal with and I think "Insecurity" is one of them.You seems to be dependent and usually emotionally driven.Am looking at the Psychological aspect of your problems.Bro.Israfil could give you some guiidelines now&it's very possible that you go through the whole ordeal,again(i sincerely pray not)if you dnt have things under control.After reading his response,I would suggest that you start by mixing with the right people.I mean people with like thinking,Muslims as friends(dnt be afraid to make new ones).Get acquinted with any Islamic Programmes in your area.Meanwhile,don't be disappointed if you dnt get unfriendly responses at the beginning.Try to interract with Sisters the less you see of your old friends,the easier it would be to start a new beginning.I  would insha Allahu post my other opinions later.May Allah forgive us all.



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"I have conviction that Allah has power over everything.Verily!Allah's knowledge includes and encompasses everything".


Posted By: layalee
Date Posted: 05 August 2007 at 3:56pm

As-salaam alaykum,

Thanks for the postings I received. Salams_wife, I can agree and see your point when you say that no one can tell me that Allah can forgive me. Lovesakeenah, I can also agree that there are psychological issues that I do struggle with.

I am currently looking for muslimahs in my area that can assist me on finding and STAYING on the right path.

I have talked more to the father of my new potential child, he appears to be willing to help me now. But he is really sadden because  he has his own psychological issues to deal with, he doubts he has what it takes to be a good father. We both need counselers to deal with our separate issues. I just wish I knew the right things to tell him to console him. 

thank you again for the words of advice,

layalee



Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 05 August 2007 at 4:17pm

Asalam Alaikum Layalee

Welcome to the Forum. We Moslems ar so spread out the forums such as this can be a big help actually. It helps me read and think of my deen as different topics come up, some it would not occur to me otherwise..

As someone said, not one of us can answer for Allah. Frist of all, I would say it is important to repent. 2nd as Lovesakeenah wrote, alot has to do with your self-esteem and internal strength. The stronger you are a a Moslem women, the better role model you will be for your children.

A few things..

Take one day at a time as you seek to better yourself. Yuo are making steps in that direction, coming to Forum, trying to meet other sisters. The environment has such powerful influences on us, even ones we are not aware of..  

And good for you to recognize that this relationship you had with the Moslem borther was not right. I've met Moslems like that. They have brought into the cultural norms of western society.

One thing that has happened to me is that I am more isolted as I have limited my time with former friends. It just has to be. I'd rather be on my own then participate in haram activities.

And I remember that Allah is most merciful. Allah, recognizes our human fraility, Allah knows. And in a way, it is comforting.

Most pray to Allah for guidance. Reconnect to Allah. That is the most important thing to do.

Peace. Hayfa

 



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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 05 August 2007 at 9:05pm

layalee,

Your situation is very unique and if you are willing I'd like to discuss your situation more in-depth. I'm currently doing doctoral work and do not have a lot of time to write our exactly what I want to say. But from what others have said here I really cannot say anything new except just making additions to some of the good comments that were made. However let me say that although we don't know the mind of God it is more psychologically appropriate to tell people that God will forgive their actions.

1) Because your circumstance has not violated the most vile crime in Islam which is associating others with Allah

2) Although fornication is a sin, it is redeemable.

3) your situation may be more than simply a problem with religion

What you should do now is plan for the arrival of this new life and plan how you are going to raise this child. The fact that this man who is the most recent father-to-be saying he will not support you is an obvious indicator of what not to marry.



Posted By: lovesakeenah
Date Posted: 06 August 2007 at 2:24am
Alliamdulillah you're making the efforts to set things right.May Allah help you in achieving this.Everyone has spoken to the best of their knowledge and I believe things would get better,insha Allahu,once you're determined to make things right.Take care of yourself and the unborn child you're carying.May Allah help you through.

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"I have conviction that Allah has power over everything.Verily!Allah's knowledge includes and encompasses everything".


Posted By: layalee
Date Posted: 07 August 2007 at 6:25pm

As-salaam alaykum,

Thank you for all the post that I have received. They have help guide me in making the right decision and allowed me to be able to embrace my reality because I know this is now is Allah(swt) hands. Allah(swt) is the provider of all and If I remain and try harder to stay on the right path, I will receive his guidance insha'Allah.

layalee

Look forward to meeting everyone again through out the message board



Posted By: rookaiya
Date Posted: 13 August 2007 at 11:14pm

salaams sister. im sorry for all that you are going through. i agree with the above posts.

i would like to add that im a single mom of 4 kids and belive me, it is do able. in todays world many sisters are forced by circumstances to be single parents.and we survive by the will of Allah. u too will get through this. just have faith.

 



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"so surely with every difficulty there is relief. Surely with every difficulty there is relief. Surah 94. verses 5 and 6


Posted By: lovesakeenah
Date Posted: 14 August 2007 at 3:10am

As-salaa alaykum

Sis.rookaiya,my heart  goes out to you also.I had no idea the situation was this serious.I would just like to say you are a strong believing woman,combining everything together&still furthering your academics.May Allah continue to be your strength& to other sisters who are striving to do the right thing.Ameen!



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"I have conviction that Allah has power over everything.Verily!Allah's knowledge includes and encompasses everything".


Posted By: rookaiya
Date Posted: 14 August 2007 at 3:14am
thanks sis lovesakeenah. it helps to get positive feedback from people.

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"so surely with every difficulty there is relief. Surely with every difficulty there is relief. Surah 94. verses 5 and 6



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