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husband and his addiction to porn

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – Women (Sisters)
Forum Discription: Groups – Women (Sisters)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=5958
Printed Date: 21 September 2014 at 11:25am


Topic: husband and his addiction to porn
Posted By: ambreenq
Subject: husband and his addiction to porn
Date Posted: 16 July 2006 at 11:52pm

Married for 5 years but now my husband has started to spend alot of his time away from me and my daughter sitting on the internet.  I always find tons of videos and pic for naked women, sex and he always denies them.  Recently i found credit card statement of his signing up for dating service.  He denied that aswell.  I have started to feel really bad about my self and everyday i think of divorce.  I have no support from anyone where i live.  Dont konw what to do and where to go.  Feel very alone.  If some one has some dua or something that i can do to get me through this...it would be very helpful.  I just want to be a 100% there for my daughter who is 2 and also dont want my crying and being depressed have any effect on my soon to be born baby.  I am due in 4 months.  His actions are making me pay for them.

take care......aq




Replies:
Posted By: herjihad
Date Posted: 17 July 2006 at 6:38am
Originally posted by ambreenq

Married for 5 years but now my husband has started to spend alot of his time away from me and my daughter sitting on the internet.  I always find tons of videos and pic for naked women, sex and he always denies them.  Recently i found credit card statement of his signing up for dating service.  He denied that aswell.  I have started to feel really bad about my self and everyday i think of divorce.  I have no support from anyone where i live.  Dont konw what to do and where to go.  Feel very alone.  If some one has some dua or something that i can do to get me through this...it would be very helpful.  I just want to be a 100% there for my daughter who is 2 and also dont want my crying and being depressed have any effect on my soon to be born baby.  I am due in 4 months.  His actions are making me pay for them.

take care......aq

Bismillah,

What religion are you?

It's a harsh reality, but maybe you're not familiar with it yet.  It's called, pull the cord on the computer.  You don't need it more than he needs to get away from that stuff, do you?

Don't you have a relationship of communication together?  Yet when someone denies something that you've caught them at, that's really bad.  Take charge and either increase your anti-porn settings or cut the cord.

Peace



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Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.


Posted By: ak_m_f
Date Posted: 17 July 2006 at 7:46am

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/ - Click here

http://www.no-porn.com/ - Click here too

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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 17 July 2006 at 9:41am

I say sell the computer and donate the money.. or hide it.. denial is a bad sign, who else does he think is looking at them, your child?

 

 



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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 17 July 2006 at 5:26pm
I would file for divorce, that is unless he confessed to all and agreed to counseling. He would be out of the house before he knew what happened, be served papers. Shock and awe, thats what I'd do. But I would never allow myself to be naive.

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: foody
Date Posted: 17 July 2006 at 5:56pm

What religion is he? If he is Muslim you should ask him wether he fears Allah or not. When one do major sins, and repent and fear Allah and never do it again, then that is a very good thing and should never be opened for discussion or thought of again. But if one doesn't fear Allah and doesn't repent and deny,and continues to do Major sin and you give him many warnings and he ignores them..then you must do a major step.  We live in a very evil world today and just so you know it, the more days pass by, the worse the evil will become.



Posted By: najamsahar
Date Posted: 19 July 2006 at 6:52am

 

 

 

Dear Ambreenq

 

You need to plan your life. Make all the dua you can but remember that Allah has made many provisions and ways with which a muslim should live a clean life.

 

I would suggest the following

 

For the present time, maybe 2 weeks or more, whatever your mental status is

 

1)      Stop confronting him. He will continue to deny and will become desensitized and you will lose any little hold on the situation that you have. Ignore what he does, think of some activities to do while he is “on the internet” so that your mind is off him.

2)      Keep all evidence that you have like credit card statements or tel numbers of dating services in a safe place.

3)      Use this time to get a hold on your feelings. You need to come to a point where you are fully convinced of the reality, the problem is his and your whole family will not pay for it.

4)      Become involved outside the house and make friends, get a support system going. Being lonely will make things very difficult for you. You can also look at counseling services in the area, maybe through your mosque. These days imams hear plenty of stories like these and they probably will know what works and doesn’t.

 

 

 

 

After you gain emotional distance and a support system and advice from a local imam etc, this is the time to confront him, tell his what he is doing is wrong because of the kids/your feelings/its haram/ etc etc and threaten to leave

 

If he refuses to change you will have to make a choice to stay and put up with this or leave (temporarily). Its bad but some people need a taste of what they lose if they don’t give up what they are doing.  You may go to a relative or friend or be on your own. You need to be away for a susbstantial period and not go running back as soon as he says he is ready to change.

When he has had a time to reflect and when you are somewhat sure of the remorse, you agree to put things back to where they were on a set of conditions and he is on probation. If he is tempted to foul again, he knows by now that you won’t put up with any more trash.

 

Whatever you do, your aim should be to end this habit of his. Many times couples go through a cycle of ups and downs where one person apologises and is forgiven but then he/she goes and does it again. Believe me, years of your life can go away like this and somehow you will end up in a zone where to the pain will numb and all you feel is a disgust that you did not do better for yourself and your kids.

 

You can also cut the cord etc, but he can also go online in an internet café, in a friends house.

 

 



Posted By: ambreenq
Date Posted: 27 July 2006 at 10:53pm

I greatly appreciate all of the advice and support from all of you who took time to reply to my MSG.  Reading the comments gave me strength to go through this.  I also got a better understanding on how I should approach this situation with a clear mind and how to better communicate with him on this subject.

najamsahar your advice was one of the best.  Once again I thank you for your time.  : )

AQ



Posted By: aya918
Date Posted: 20 June 2007 at 12:14am

leave him...what kind of a role model is he going to be for his children??? he should be ashamed of himself. besides the fact that its haram, he has a wife so he really has no excuse to resort to this degenerate behavior. maybe u should try a trial separation at first and then see if he changes--only for the sake of ur children. he must think u r really naive too--denying the fact that he signed up for a dating service when the proof is on the credit card statement!!!! some ppl have some nerve i guess...and just to let u know, u r not alone, u have Allah and that is sufficient. Inshallah whatever is in ur and ur childrens best interests will prevail...

 



Posted By: sadadilbanday
Date Posted: 21 June 2007 at 11:42am

I thought you could create a more ISLAMIC environment in the house. No, i guess not what you just thought. See this:

1. Be a committed / responsive / conciliating wife

2. Fulfill his basic sexual needs

3. Ignore what he is doing and concentrate on what you should do to overhaul his porn activities

4. Do not react. Ask, talk (not argue) ONLY when you see that the above strategy is not working which I hope must work.

I know it is time consuming and difficult. But I also believe, you have that courage to achieve the hard target. You are worth it. Remember, no problem is unique. We all suffer similar circumstances.

 

Now! Could someone answer MY question please?

Can anyone please say whether a girl can marry a boy who is not her brother but they have been calling each other brother and sister for a long time. please answer according to the fiqh of Barelvi sect (dawat e islami) i am very worried!



Posted By: kane
Date Posted: 29 June 2007 at 4:34am

As-salaam alaikum wa rahmatullah wa baraktuhu,

Dear ambreenq,

I haven't been on this forum for quite a long time and have just read your posting. I was wondering how you got on with this issue. I too, am having a similar problem with my husband who is also in denial. He prays five times a day etc. but has been chatting to women on internet and joined dating site. We have discussed this several times and he always promises that he will stop but I eventually find him doing it again. It is easy for other sisters to say get him out or leave him, but that is very difficult if you have children, no income and really want your marriage to last. And I have no proof of adultery, so what grounds for divorce would I have? 

Anyway, I hope and pray that you have been able to work everything out,

Your sister in Islam, Sharon.



Posted By: Angela
Date Posted: 29 June 2007 at 5:43am

You know there is another solution....

When a teenage relative of mine was caught using my family computer for porn searches... I locked down the computer with software specifically designed to block adult content.  It required a password for websites that were considered adult material.

So, you could buy a monitoring software and set it up with a password.  We are Christian so I made the password "JesusLovesMe" and gave the password to everyone but the offending person.  It was a real gas, no one said a word to him.  We just went on with our business.  All the computers in the house were set up this way.

Eventually he got upset and there was a confrontation about trust.  It lead to dialogue about sin and porn addictions and he finally got the help he needed. 

Make it work for him to surf porn.  Get smarter about the technology than he is.  Monitoring system, site blocking and passwords are three great ways to stop teenagers and husbands.

Anyone needing the tricks of the trade, lemme know.  I'm a computer science major...or ask ak-m-f, he's pretty good with computers too.



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Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 29 June 2007 at 7:23am

I agree with Angela, once you've tried other methods, communication, prayers etc. Take action. You can lock in down as well.

This is when you wish other people, like family members would intervene as well. sigh..



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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: kane
Date Posted: 29 June 2007 at 1:53pm
Locking the computer is ideal for youngsters ( I have used such software for my children) but it is not ideal in a marriage. You should be able to trust your husband on the computer or whereever he may be. And if he's not doing it at home he could always be doing it from work or a friends house etc. And that would not resolve the trust issue between husband and wife, which is vital for a marriage to work.


Posted By: Angela
Date Posted: 01 July 2007 at 10:47pm

There comes a time where you have to put your foot down and say to your husband.  Look, when you surf porn, you are hurting me.  That if he really loves you that he will stop.  Tell him what you are doing. The Quran says to forbid wrong.  If he gets upset, do not be afraid to fight.  If you love him you will fight for him, even if its helping him fight himself.  Porn is destructive.  How can he approach you in righteousness if he is partaking in filth. 

If he says its boredom, suggest a weekend getaway.  There are things couples can do together to spice things up that are not haram.  But, if you aren't sneaky about locking the computer and fully express to him that you are forbidding haram and protecting your house, he will have choices to make.  He may throw a fit, he's a man, which means his problem solving skills are on par with a toddler on emotional issues.  He will tantrum and yell, but stand firm.  Perhaps you could talk to the local sheik about approaching him about it. 

 



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