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I Seem To Have A Problem...

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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Men (Brothers)
Forum Discription: Groups Men (Brothers)
Printed Date: 25 May 2018 at 11:45am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 8.04 -

Topic: I Seem To Have A Problem...
Posted By: <Riz>
Subject: I Seem To Have A Problem...
Date Posted: 05 April 2005 at 3:37pm

I looked at all the section headings and still couldn't find anywhere to put this, so I'm sticking it here.

If you couldn't tell, my name is Riz. I'm a 19-year old male, you're probably thinking I should have put this in the 'New Member' section but ... you'll see.

The problem is my father. The reason is marriage. A couple nights ago he told me he's been talking to this family in Pakistan (I live in London, and was born in Africa, for those who are curious) who have a daughter who is also 19, and that they want to introduce us. He said that he wants me to get to know her ... for obvious reasons. He sent me a picture of her, and told me that her father has already given my dad his phone number so that me and this girl may talk on the phone.

I don't understand this. I really don't want to have this sort of marriage. For starters, I'm not even thinking about marriage since I'm only 19, what's worse is that I have exams at university in 6-8 weeks and I really don't need this bothering me right now.

My dad said that since I'm the only son from his side of the family, that I must do this to 'continue our bloodline', and that it is a responsibility I have to everyone in the family. I mean, I respect my parents and everything, but I think they're trying to make me feel guilty into doing this. He sent me an email with her picture in it, and said "Dont you think she is attractive?" I mean, he's not being fair, is he? Whether I think she's attractive or not is irrelevant, I should not have to be put through this.

Maybe my attitude is a reflection of my western upbringing, but surely I have a say in all this? I don't agree with how this is being done, and I don't agree at this being when I haven't even finished university (I only just started in September) What do I do? I'm sure my dad means well, but I don't want this.

He tells me that this girl is doing a Masters in Computer Science and while that is impressive, it doesn't really bother me. He said that parents finding partners for their kids is the right way, but I disagree. When this happens, parents are looking for people who they think is good for their child, not who the child thinks is good for them. This is placing unnecessary stress on me, I can't even sleep properly at night due to this.

He also tells me that interracial marriages are doomed. He points out my cousin who married a white woman, they got divorced (Which is a shame 'cause they got 3 kids). He said these marriages don't work, but I know a lot of them do. I hope you are still with me?

What's wrong with me finding my own woman? A woman who I get along with and have met myself with no interference from anyone? So what if she happens to be a white woman? So what if she isn't a Pakistani? At the end of the day, we'll both be Muslims and we'll both be happy together. A white womans blood is no different to an Asian womans blood. We're all human.

I don't know what to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated. It's 11:45 here and I've got to get some sleep.


Posted By: DavidC
Date Posted: 05 April 2005 at 5:33pm
Is arranged marriage for men an Islamic requirement or is it cultural? I'm
confused. Any general comments on "coming of age" in Islam?


Posted By: <Riz>
Date Posted: 05 April 2005 at 6:30pm

Originally posted by DavidC

Is arranged marriage for men an Islamic requirement or is it cultural? I'm
confused. Any general comments on "coming of age" in Islam?


It's cultural.

Posted By: Angel
Date Posted: 06 April 2005 at 5:58am

Riz, you've got a lot there to deal with and I am with you, can't your father wait till after your exams, he seemed to pick a bad time to place this on you. Perhaps if you made a point that you will talk to this girl but it will have to be after the exams., If he is so hestitent on this.

Perhaps you can talk to the girl anyway and tell her your situation that you are just about to commence exams and you can't deal with the topic of marriage yet, if she is studying also she should also know how it is being stressful at exam times, you do have this commonality with her. And maybe she doesn't want to get married yet either and being pushed like you, tell her you are having trouble sleeping and it is putting undue strain and stress on you, you need to concentrate on studying. If you cannot talk to your father, perhaps talking with her good be a good idea, try to get her to understand.

~ Our feet are earthbound, but our hearts and our minds have wings ~

Posted By: ummziba
Date Posted: 06 April 2005 at 11:24am


I really feel for you, brother.  This is a very hard trial.  Trying to please our parents and Allah can sometimes cause conflict, especially when our parents are so caught up in un-Islamic, cultural beliefs.

Perhaps one way of approaching this is to try to have a heartfelt talk with your father about how much your deen means to you.  In this way, you can show your father that obeying Allah and being a good Muslim are absolutely your top priorities.

Then, gently explain that Islam does mean being kind to parents, but not at the cost of disobeying Allah.  Point out that Allah says there is no difference in human beings, that we are not to be racial or nationalistic.  Let your father know how much you love him and how much you cherish his guidance.  But, also let him know that obeying Allah is most important, therefore his arguements about mixed marriages are misguided.

Talk to your father about your future plans (education, marriage, and so forth), so he has an idea of where you are heading.  He may be afraid that being single and in university might be a dangerous, tempting situation for a young, single man.  If you can get across to him your honourable intentions for your future he may not be so anxious about marrying you off!

I don't know if any of this will help, especially if your father goes to a masjid full of men who feel the same cultural ideals as he does; this only reinforces his misguided thinking.  Is there someone your father respects who you could have talk to him about this?

I pray that Allah will help you overcome this trial and that He will provide you with a pious wife.  Pray sincerely to Allah, often.  He does answer prayers!

Peace, ummziba.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~

Posted By: blond
Date Posted: 06 April 2005 at 11:44am

23. And thy Lord has decreed that you serve none but Him, and do good to parents. If either or both of them reach old age with thee, say not "Fie" to them, nor chide them, and speak to them a generous word.

24. And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy, and say: My Lord, have mercy on them, as they brought me up (when I was) little.

I courted in the tradition of Islam before I married. I looked for many years and selected the person whom I decided was best to help me in life. A parent naturally has more wisdom than their children. However, I believe that this world's systems are breaking down because our parents have deviated from the Straight Path of Allah. I have heard of this Pakistani cultural tradition as it was applied to me by a Pakistani family. Their daughter wanted to marry me, and I her, but her parents forbade it. This has had a profound impact on my development in Islam. I learned from it.

You are only 19, that is a young age. Being that you are distressed, that does not make for good decision making. Fast and pray if you are able. She may just be the girl of your dreams, but she may not be.

Allah will make all things manifest.

Thank you.

Posted By: Mustafaa
Date Posted: 07 April 2005 at 4:30am

I can't add anything to what has already been said to you above.

I just wanted to add the du'a that may Allah save you from your distress and worries and may He get your parents to understand you.

(Personally, I wouldn't say no to an arranged marriage if I liked the girl.  But, of course, you do not have to think like me. Perhaps you don't like the girl. May Allah help you, brother.)

There is no deity but Allah. Muhammad is the (last) Messenger of Allah.

Posted By: IslamicGirl
Date Posted: 07 April 2005 at 8:23am

Salams Brother! 

My Advice:
Speak to your father in a nice, mature and quiet voice and look him in the eye.  Explain to him that you are pressured with this marriage thing and university and you're only young. 
Tell your dad, your priority is university at the moment.  Let him know that once you've finished uni' that you can be more stable and will have better job prospects and feel you've done something for yourself rather than going against your will and committing yourself at such a young age. 

I can see his point of view if you're dating/seeing someone and he does not like it because it's against Islam and there's temptations there.  However, he needs to know that whatever you do, you have to answer to God in the end (not him).  I'm sure you've got a straight head, Insha Allah, with a bit of dua from everyone who is touched by your story and a bit of openness and honnesty with your dad.. you'll be able to set your priorities straight with him.

If he pressures you too much, just get the girl's contact, tell him you need time to talk to her etc... and tell the girl exactly what you feel.  I mean you won't be making up stuff with your dad, you'll still probabley make him hopeful making him believe that you and the girl are trying to get to know eachother b4 marriage.  Tell your dad it's just a matter of time 'till you know if it'll happen between the two of yous. 

You never know... you 2 may/may not become good friends in the end whether it works out or not.  Maybe you'll find her to be a great person to talk to and consider marrying her months or.. I don't know.... years later.  You just don't ever know who Allah Ta'la has written to be in your life (and for what reason/s).

Peace Brother & All the Best!


Posted By: IslamicGirl
Date Posted: 07 April 2005 at 8:27am
....oh, 'n all da best wit uni' 2 :)

Posted By: alaa_k
Date Posted: 11 April 2005 at 3:28am

Salam, brother...

I agree with the many things that have been said above.

I believe that in most instances you should obey your parents.  But this is one where, if you think, you parents decision is not right, you should not obey it.  Thik about it...  A marriage is for life.  Once you marry this girl (whom at this point you don't even know), she will be in your house, in your life, all the time every where...  If you decide that there's something you don't like about her later on, there's nothing you can do.  So, my suggestion is, listen to your parents, but be very careful.  I can understand your fathers concerns about you getting married, but remember, he will not need to live or deal necessarily with the person you marry, so he will not be as careful and thoughtful in this area.  This is an area where you have to think for yourself and maybe stand up for yourself.  You should get married, when you want to and to whom you want to and not before.  Otherwise, you may be stuck with a woman - who may be good in many respects - but who you will not like and not be happy with FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. So listen to your father, but be cautious.

Posted By: jalillah
Date Posted: 11 April 2005 at 4:10am

my oppinion may or maybe not suited to your issue but here... it is any way...just do your study, marry who ever you please where and when to who for what and why but whatever it is make it.. that it will please everyone including yourself...and dont forget to seek allahs guidance before you begin any journey in making

May Allah Bless those who seek the truth......Allah Stands Alone in truth..

Posted By: falcon_shark
Date Posted: 14 May 2005 at 2:30pm

Salaam all!

Speak to the girl like your father asked. Get to know her and then decide if you want to take it further. If not explain this with your reasons to your father. At least you'll have given her a chance.

Who knows she might be really nice. Get to know her and try to relax into the conversations. Don't, deliberately be difficult and talk about what interests both of you.

You might just fall in love anyway. Try not to think of it as 'Oh this is all being forced upon me.' Act like this is what you want to do.

Hope this helps.

Goodluck in life and always turn to Allah and the Qur'an. There is where the true answers lie.


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