confused whether to leave or stay with husband
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – Women (Sisters)
Forum Discription: Groups – Women (Sisters)
Printed Date: 02 May 2016 at 1:33am
Topic: confused whether to leave or stay with husband
Posted By: mina21
Subject: confused whether to leave or stay with husband
Date Posted: 29 April 2013 at 5:42pm
asalam alaikum everyone, I am a 21 year old girl,
I have been married for a year a half to my husband, and known him a total of 5 years. we were in a long distance relationship for 3 years then decided to get married because we couldn't stand to be apart anymore. before the wedding my family and his didn't get along there were along of fights and arguments which created resentment between the families, which made my in laws resent me for entering their perfect happy family. they wanted a perfect middle eastern girl, not an Americanized one like myself. So after I got married I moved to UK to live with my husband, who is also 21 now, he family wanted me to life with them, but I refused to live longer then two months with them which made me hate me even more and create hard feelings. before I moved to UK and got married my husband was such a good sweet person, we would talk for hours on the phone and never seemed to run out of things to talk about, he seemed like the perfect husband/partner. after the wedding, once I moved in with him things got a bit harder, I became really depressed cuz I didn't have a job and missed my family all the time, and he was never there for m, due to his University and Job. so we started fighting all the time, he got fed up with me and started physically abusing me. since the beginning of our marriage he was hitting, lightly at first then a bit harder and then one night when I went out for a walk without his permission he came after me with a hanger and left marks all over my legs. although he really genuinely loves me and would never want to lose me, he doesn't know how to show it, he never communicates, he sleeps mostly and when he is not sleeping he is at work or at university, he had no time for me at all. He had promised to help me find a job once I moved to UK with him, but that never happened, I was so lonely and really depressed, I couldn't go to his moms house, I felt like they really didn't want me there, so I decided to do volunteer work, and also go to the library often to study and read to keep myself occupied and not drive my husband crazy or nag him or annoy him. in the library I met a really nice guy, who approached me and we started talking he was really kind and wise, and I told him my problems and I felt so much better, he was 27 and had experience being in relationships and so I would ask him for advise. He would always listen to me and make feel like I am a person, not a property. my husband made me feel like a piece of property, he would never take my side when his sister and mom were mean to me, he would blame me most of the time and it really hurt me, but to him it was no big deal. after losing so much weight and having suicidal thoughts and feeling like a failure I decided that I should go back to California to visit my family for a month or two. he became really angry at this and said I shouldn't go. He never wanted me to be away from him, I should always be available to him, even if he doesn't have time for me. Now that I am here I really don't feel like going back to UK I hate it, I don't want to lose my husband either, I would wait for him another 2.5 years to finish his study and then move with me to California, but I doubt he wants to move here, he doesn't like my mom and he doesn't want to move away from his family I think, although he says it has nothing to do with his family. I gave up everything, my freedom, education, car, family to be with him, but he would never do the same for me. I am not sure if he will ever make me happy, he always takes and wants but never returns the favor, he loves me so much and I love he deeply, but he is not cooperative, he doesn't compromise because he is the man. I don't know what to do, should I leave him or move back to UK and live with him. also he found my text msg with the guy that I was talking to and he doesn't trust me at all because I spoke to a guy, so I think he will really be strict with me when I go back to him. Currently I am back in California, I want to study psychology and work and be independent again, I cant even find a job in the city where we live in UK it seems hopeless... please help me I am so depressed and feel like giving up on everything in my life and running away and hiding from everyone....
Posted By: bahira
Date Posted: 16 May 2013 at 4:15pm
Salaam sister, I'm so sorry no one has answered your call for help here in so long, but if I can help now I will. Insha'allah you are doing OK...
I'm very sorry to hear of you going through something so horrible. My husband hit me too. Between that and his other abusive behavior (because abuse is not just physical) I have since divorced him.
Insha'allah you will have the strength to do what it is YOU believe YOU need to do. But I think the most important thing right now is that you need your family and friends to support you in this difficult time. And please, find a good therapist while you are still here in the States, to help you sort your thoughts and feelings. During my divorce, and the tough times leading up to it, I leaned on my therapist heavily and I'm very happy I did.
You sound as though you're terrified of your husband. I'm sorry to say that doesn't sound like marriage, but tyranny.
But as always, Allah knows best. The Qur'an teaches the men to be respectful. He should respect you, but he is not. Maybe an Islamic marital counselor could help.
I may not be the brightest star in the sky, but at least I shine.
Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 04 July 2013 at 5:32pm
Its really not a marriage, come out of this, and if you ever want to return to him, make it clear that he should physically abuse you, Islam does not allow this. where ever you move with if, make your arrangements to be safe and rescued when required.