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Living with Inlaws,am i asking too much?

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – Women (Sisters)
Forum Discription: Groups – Women (Sisters)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=2508
Printed Date: 22 April 2014 at 11:52pm


Topic: Living with Inlaws,am i asking too much?
Posted By: rashidr
Subject: Living with Inlaws,am i asking too much?
Date Posted: 06 October 2005 at 8:32am

Assalam Alaikum Sisters,

I have a question thats been dwelling in my head ever since i got married which was a year, 2 months and 23 days ago(yea still counting *smirk*) Alhumdulillah. My husband is the only son inthe family but has 3 other sisters-all married. One with four kids, one with 2 kids and one just got married MashaAllah.

Now, his parents right now, live alone with my husbands grandmother. When my husband and I got married, they told my husband that there would be no pressure on him to live with them. They asked us to take some space and live seperate. Primarily, because my sister-in-laws were against the idea that their brother live with his parents with his wife so soon after marriage(the eldest sister having  had some bad experiences of a joint family system due to which she so strongly urged that her brother move out). Now the sisters live in different countries but come to vist perhaps once or twice a year.When they do they visit, they stay anywhere between 4-6 months.A large chunk of it is in the summer. The last sister left, not even a month ago I think and my husbands parents have told us straight up to move in with them. I found that kind of sad. I love my apartment and love my privacy. I love his parents too but don't I have a right to my own lil home?. I goto school and am in a very intense course so I can't visit them as often as I used to and we live 12-15 mins away from them. But I see them on the weekends. My husband is very understanding MashaAllah and he understands my concerns. But I feel bad that I am making it a little difficult for him. I feel like he might crack under the pressure.He's a very kind-hearted man and wants to keep everyone happy. WE had discussed this before and I told him how i felt. I told him I would like a house of my own and a house next to us would be his parents.. Is that ..i dont know, not nice? I feel and i know that he feels, that his parent smight take offence to that although i thinkt here is nothing to get offensive about. They know they have grandchildren adn daughetrs that come over and no matter what anyone says, a daughter in law kind of does unintentionally get left out. Noone is to blame for it. I understand. But I really want to have a  family that i can raise under MY kitchen. Am i being selfish? I really need some advice. Im so confused. My mother in law keeps stressing whenever she does tlakabout this,that we could buy alarger house and all liev in one and my husband and I can take the 'entire basement' to ourselves. Pardon me, but am i to raise a family in the basement? My father in law does have some heart conditions that are stable right now and my mother in law has a knee problem that she takes care of but other than that they are ok, they do their groceries and walk and go places and everything.

Please sisters if you have any advice, please lend me some, i need it.InshaAllah a solutionw ill come about often, but I just need something ot get me by right now.




Replies:
Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 06 October 2005 at 3:38pm
rashidr, how about getting two apartmants next two each other or in the same complex. Or renting both sides of a duplex. I totally understand how you feel, and you should not feel like you have to live with your inlaws in the basement. You need your space and in most cases I think that living with inlaws ends up causing problems. In pakistan my husbands mom and brothers family live in a split house with two doors, two sides and two kitchens. That way my sister in law has her own total privacy and can do as she wants with the house. All I can say that in a marraige privacy is gold!!! Peace

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: ZEA J
Date Posted: 06 October 2005 at 9:12pm

sister if you really want to keep the peace, DON'T move in with your in-laws... and that is my advice.



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"You will never attain piety and righteousness,(and eventually paradise)until you
spend of that which you love."(Al-Imran:92)


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 19 March 2006 at 10:21am
Assalaamualaikum

so sister, what happened? did you move in with them or no???

i would like to know........




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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: rashidr
Date Posted: 25 March 2006 at 1:47pm

salam amah

Alhumdullilah so far I havent moved in with them. But it seems like only a matter of time before I will have to. The heavy load I had last semester has calmed down because I had to drop out. My husband didnt approve of what I was doing (I was studying dental hygiene and now am in a program that he thinks is mroe appropriate for women, but this is another topic!). Anyway, My husband just found out that he will be starting school in the Fall Inshallah and  he will have to quit his job because it will be full time school. For this he has asked me to think about living with his parents. His program will last 2 full years. I am finding this request very difficult to do. He says if we move in May 2006 then he will be able to save a little money thru summer till august before he starts school in september. I am going to school also and I will graduate inshaAllah a year before him. I am angry with him for asking me knowing his mother-who isnt an evil woman but likes everything under her control- and I dont know if I can live with them. He says he will borrow money from his dad to pay for school so he doesnt have to take interest loans and pay him back after he is done with school. I think he should borrow a little more, since Allah knows his father can afford it- for our living seperately. In the meantime, I have also gotten a job and told him I will work my way thru school and it wont be that bad. I have found a decent really cheap place for the summer thru a friend and the rent is unbeatable but my husband seems reluctant. Its almost as if he has decided that we will live with his parents. His parents are visiting one of the daughters right now overseas and will be back first week of May. Allah knows, when they come back it will be another test as they will be depressed and will miss their grandkids. I dont know if I can handle that. We visit them alot , every other day atleast if not everyday. I thought that was a good thing because that way they feel we are close and visit them alot and they wont ask us to move in. His parents said they will go again in August and come back in January of 07 but I find that hard ot believe. I dont think it will happen and I dont want to live with them for that long. My husband said that if this is the case we will live in their house till they are gone and after hajj (which his parents plan on doing) move out and live seperate. I just think this will be difficult as they will get used to us living with them and he is the only son. I dont see how we will be able to move out again.I am in a dilemma and some days I just think that I have a right and I should be given it especially since I am really trying to be  really good ot his parents. I dont know what to do. Should I put my foot down? Should I just do as he asked to relieve him of some financial burden? i love my husband very much but I just feel this is a bad decision especially for our marriage. Does anybody have any suggestions?



Posted By: Mishmish
Date Posted: 25 March 2006 at 2:33pm

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

I cannot say which is the right way for you to go, but I can say this: it will be a lot more difficult for you to move out again once you are living with his parents than it will be not to move in at all. Once something is done, it has a way of staying that way unless both parties want to change it, and from what you are saying, I don't think your husband will want to change the living arrangements once you are moved in.

May Allah help you with this test.



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It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. (The Little Prince)


Posted By: mariam
Date Posted: 25 March 2006 at 9:35pm
Assalam-alyukum
Im not sure but maybe telling you a little bit about my situation might help you, my husbands family is not in the same country, when me and my older sister got married , my mum was left alone with my little sister and brother, being so attached to my family I couldn’t live away from them even a suburb , so I now live a street away from my mums, I come to her house after work and so does my husband, we go home for sleeping and we are always here on the weekend, iam very grateful allhamdullah to have such an understating and caring husband. I may not have the same responsibilities as you do sister (like studying) but maybe moving in next door would help. I don’t think you should move in. I sometimes feel like I pay rent for nothing as we are not home other than for sleeping, but then again I also need some time with my husband.
Goodluck sister
mariam


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 25 March 2006 at 10:41pm
Sister rashidr

My advice is , if you do not want to live with your inlaws, Please put your foot down now! Once you are in , it will be difficult to move out.... i have been in a similar situation. I regretted living with my inlaws.

Please explain to your husband that providing a house (however small) is his duty and your right. When Allah has given you this right then who are people to interfere. Talk to him lovingly and explain things to him, we pray that Allah guides him! All the best!

wassalaam...




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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: M E X I
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 1:02am

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh

My dear sister Rashidr... It is very true that to live with our husbands away from the fathers in law offers to us freedom and privacy, but also it is true that our duty as wives is to support our husbands when they more need us. Your husband needs to save money for his studies, he has not prevented you from studying till now, why cannot you give now to him this benefit?...

As you have told us, he is a good man, and I am sure Allahu a3laam he doesn't want anything bad to you, as I am sure he should be stressed realizing that you are not showing the best of the happiness with this situation.

My best advice dear sister is to try and find the best solution for to get the best of the living with your fathers in law, anyway insha'allah it will be a certain time, this way you will make your husband happy and you will be happy as well.

My sis you are still young and maybe you can learn many things from your mother in law, try to find the best of this, sometimes bad things just happen, no reason, no purpose, Allah [swt] is who knows better, these things just occur and we are left to pick up the pieces the best we can. Al7amdulelah at least you are having a place where to live at, just think about those whom cannot find a good place where to remain.

But the most important my sister... Love is complicated full of sacrifice and compromise, but you know? this is the best part... the best women for Allah [swt] are those whom obey their husbands and make them happy.... I am sure your husband will be so happy if you try to help him in this issue, and later he will be grateful and he will show you gratitude for such sacrifice of yours.. as i said.. this is the best part bcz you will get rewards for all this insha'allah... just think about it!!

 

 

 



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“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 1:52am
Mexi, you have expressed beautifully and yes to a point I agree with you. But things vary from person to person and from situation to situation....

Even i have compromised for Allah's sake and for my husband's happiness.....where I come from, it is only a nasty , evil woman who "separates" her husband from his parents. I would have no problem living with my inlaws if they behave "normal". But they harrass me and  I have no peace of mind, it has affected my marriage and also my children. I do not wish to give details now, but tell me is it worth staying with them???? i have faith in Allah and dua is my weapon.

anywez........everyone knows their situation best. There is no harm in pleasing your husband even if you wish to give up your rights, but that should not be forced. Even letting people do zulm on you isnt right.

Allahu Aalam... Allah give us all Hidayah..aameen...

wassalaam.


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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 1:59am
another thing, women are expected to obey and even give up their rights, but nobody tells men to give their wives their rights and keep her happy. Women always get a raw deal....

Wish men would strive to be like our dear prophet (saw)




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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: BintWill
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 2:03am

Originally posted by amah

another thing, women are expected to obey and even give up their rights, but nobody tells men to give their wives their rights and keep her happy. Women always get a raw deal....

Wish men would strive to be like our dear prophet (saw)


Yes, you and I both.  Now, I see why women are the majority of the folks in the hellfire.



Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 9:03am
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas: The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."  (Book http://www.searchtruth.com/book_display.php?book=2&translator=1&start=0&number=28 - #2 , Hadith http://www.searchtruth.com/book_display.php?book=2&translator=1&start=0&number=28#28 - #28 )

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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 9:10am
Not wanting to live with inlaws is your right and does not come under being ungrateful.

To please Allah, you have to please your husband, but Allah has given you rights, you can use them. Both husband and wife have to please each other, but unfortunately girls are taught how to please their husbands but boys are never taught how to please their wives. isnt it?

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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: M E X I
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 10:04am

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

Sister amah, I am sorry to hear that, i respect your point of view bcz you have lived into a hard situation, but this doesn't mean that all inlaws are like that, and the objetive here is to help our sister trying to find the best solution.

About your statement.. "women are expected to obey and even give up their rights, but nobody tells men to give their wives their rights and keep her happy. Women always get a raw deal"..........we as women must not lose our rights, but we ourselves are who must preserve them. 

Why instead of sitting down waiting for someone who tells to the men how to preserve our rights, don't we make anything by our own?
 
The spouses have mutual rights, sometimes our mistake is to wait  that the man behave in a correct way, but as wives we are who encourage them to be the best husbands... The Believers - men and women - are allies and protectors, one to another.” [ 9:71] we can find the best husband and the best man respecting our rights if we do the same to them... there is an ayah saying... Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity [24:26]

It is impossible for the marital relationship to be successful if the wife doesn't play a continuous positive roll in it, even if the husband is an excellent example so be mindful - O righteous wife – of this matter and take hold of your responsibilities as the success of the family unit relies upon you.

Each time you please your husband or fulfill his rights you draw closer to his heart. Most husbands view their wives who handle their needs as a sign from the signs of love. So do not be heedless of your obligations regarding him and be mindful when he requests them from you.

Your respect and kindness to your husband’s family is respect and kindness to your husband.

The right of being maintained and supported is a right entrusted to the men by Allah [swt] upon you. Don't request things that non believer women request, rather ask for things but be just in doing so and don't over step the rights in which Allah [swt] has given you.

Ab Huraira [Allah be pleased with him] reported Allah's Messenger [sallallahu alayhim wa'salam] as saying: A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her characteristics, he will be pleased with another.

If you, I, we and they, understand the meaning of these words, I am sure that there would not be unhappy marriages.. insha'allah khair..



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“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 10:19am
I think you dont understand me.... maybe coz you have not seen what i have and i dont know your situation too.

Firstly, I persevere (AllahuAalam) in pleasing my husband, ok? that includes being kind to his parents.

Whatever you say about my role as a wife is right and alhamdulillah i do it! I educate my husband too if he doesnt know anything about a certain thing. so does he...masha allah.

I understand your point, I love Allah , i love my husband and i try not to displease both..... but people cant expect me to become a doormat to them?

Islam does no zulm on women, but men and women do. Yes women suffer all over the world coz they dont get their rights and as far as i am concerned, i educate my children too ..... so that they become good muslims and good husbands!






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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 10:22am
Originally posted by M E X I

The right of being maintained and supported is a right entrusted to the men by Allah [swt] upon you. Don't request things that non believer women request, rather ask for things but be just in doing so and don't over step the rights in which Allah [swt] has given you.

A



Did I ask for something that will displease Allah????????? You are contradicting yourself!! ASking for my right that will keep my sanity ...is that overstepping ????

C'mon sister,




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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: M E X I
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 12:01pm

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

I think you are who didn't get my point, anyway Allahu a3laam... May Allah bless you and guide us all ameen...

 



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“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 6:42pm
Probably sis, but i would like you to clarify that point...."Don't request things that non believer women request,"

jazakallahukhairan....


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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: M E X I
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 8:03pm

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh

Amah, i meant non muslimahs... Few days back I got into a conversation with some women, they were arguing about "freedom". Sometimes they think that to be muslimah and to "obey" our husbands means submission, to lose our rights, or to stop being women. This is what i meant, please don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that ALL the women are like that, but most of them, unfortunately many women now a days forgets about the best way how to keep a happy marriage, how to behave as a good wife, how to support her husband, how to care her children, how to preserve herself as woman, etc etc.

They think that to have conversations with men, strangers doesn't mean anything, they think that we are fanatic because we prevent ourselves of doing this, They think that to go out with friends, to dance with other men doesn't mean anything, this is what i meant.. we as muslimahs cannot request to our husband this kind of freedom, first because there is not such a term "freedom" and second because we know this only can lead us to 7aram things. We as muslimah wives must care about many things, and for sure our husbands must do the same, again.. as i stated above "The spouses have mutual rights".

Clarifying my point of view.....We as women should support our husbands, help them, encourage them, they can be good if we are good, they can respect our rights if we give them the way, if now our sister needs to face a complicated situation with her inlaws, for the sake of her husband she should accept his request, anyway he is not asking her to fight in Iraq or to throw herself from a 5th floor, probably for some of you to live with the fathers inlaw it means this tho. lol. But the point is that with this she is showing him her love, and in the future he will be grateful. In the end this is the best reward, to get good deeds and to be loved by her husband.... aren't you agree with me?

Insha'Allah you can get what I mean... Barallahu feekon..



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“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”


Posted By: herjihad
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 8:22pm

Bismillah,

From what I've seen of in-laws, no, you're not right Mexi.  We have let the men run all over us, especially the converts, because they give us their twisted, self-benefitting view of things as people will do.  The facts are very different from what a lot of guys tell their sweethearts. 

The facts are that if you don't set clear boundaries around your Islaamic rights, then people will take them away or just ignore that they exist. 

This man needs to discuss what his wife wants WITH her, not dictate what he thinks is best and then expect her to jump to and get with HIS program. 

 A marriage works best when you have partners who are garments for each other, not when you have a big heavy trying to be the overcoat smothering the breath out of the silk pajamas!  Please don't advise a sister to give up her rights as if it were a noble thing to do.  It's noble for her to know her rights and obligations and fulfill BOTH of them.



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Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.


Posted By: M E X I
Date Posted: 27 March 2006 at 9:43pm

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

My dear sister herjihad first of all May Allah grant you strong eman today and always ameen...

I didn't say that she has to give up her rights subhana'allah, i just spoke thru what she said, her husband cannot give her another thing for now, they can get some benefits living at his parents home, they can save money, they can get many things.. insha'allah khair... My point is only to show support to our husbands in any bad situation if this doesn't lead us thru something bad; to support, to encourage doesn't mean to loose rights. I never said this and i never meant it.. Allahu a3laam..

Anyway, i think the best is to let our sister to choose the best for her and we only can make du3a for her ...

Sister Rishadr May Allah help you and guide you giving you and enlightening you for to take the best decision and way how to deal with this situation. ameen ya rab... 



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“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 28 March 2006 at 1:25am
I agree with sister herjihad's views..............i love you!

I have also alhamdulillah understood mexi's point of view.....i do agree with her here:

If my husband has no choice but to keep me with his parents, and there is no way out, i will yes support him till we can move out. support him in everything . also he should be considerate and like herjihad said "discuss" things and not order his wife to do things as if she has no soul!

Also i dont want freedom like nonmuslims want. i want to obey and please my husband within the limits of shariah, but i will not bend if he takes away my rights, that doesnt mean i harass him!! i explain and talk it out to him. i give him his rights too. alhamdulillah i understand my rights and duties and of my husbands too. islam is not restrictive to me, it is my freedom.

i do understand you mexi, and yes it is rashidr's decision, but we cant really ask her to give up her rights, but yes if there is no solution to this problem, then she is wise enough to know what to do! insha allah

Allah forgive us for our shortcomings and make it easy for all of us esp for rashidr's  situation here.

and i love you mexi, for the sake of allah! (and the rest of you sisters!)

wassalaam....





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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 28 March 2006 at 9:53am
Amah, it is your right to live away from your husbands parents. It is your right to privacy, it is your right to not have your husbands parents boss you around. While you need to be kind, they are not your parents and you do not have the same responsibility to them as your husband does. The biggest thing that is missing in many homes in boundries. When my husband and I got married I knew my mother in law would come to stay for 6 months at a time. The first time she came I was very pregnant and my husband told her clearly, "Mom, she has real all the books, gone to lots of classes and is going to do things with the baby her way. She knows more then me and things have changed alot since you were raising babies. So let her do things her own way." Now this may sound harsh, but it was my son and my husbands son. I wanted to nurse the baby with no bottles of formula at all, my mom in law came from the generation that thought breast milk was not enough and the baby should be fat so give them a bottle. But since my husband drew up boundries she only asked me once if I was going to buy any bottles and I said no, I will only nurse. That was it! He also told her that she can't tell me what to do like she can him or his siblings. He said mom, before she met me, she had a career. She lived in another state and was independant from her family. She is an adult and will cook her own way, clean her own way and do as she pleases. This sent a very clear message to her and we got along BEAUTIFULLY!! Once or twice she tried nicely to advise me on things. Like ironing. ANd I said, nicely, look, I don't iron. I'm not good at it and your son is great at it. So he can iron his own shirts since we don't have a maid like you guys do in Pakistan and I am doing most of the other stuff. She understood, and realized that they have servants around all the time and I am not a servant. I am not responsible for just being the maid of the house and she never complained when my husband vacuumed, or changed daipers or did any house stuff. I allways politely explained myself and my husband backed me up. We allways enjoyed having her come and I was sad to see her go, I would even cry when she left for a week. Boundries are the key!!! Peace

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: M E X I
Date Posted: 28 March 2006 at 1:28pm

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

Al7amdulelah sister Amah.. may He for Whos Sake you love me Love you too .... 

May Allah bless you and grant you strong eman and all of us ameen ya rab



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“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”


Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 28 March 2006 at 7:31pm
Sister Jenni , jazakallahukhair for your post. Your husband did the right thing, i totally agree that when we draw boundaries, everyone knows where not to step. I pray all men would do this....

wassalaam



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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: rashidr
Date Posted: 30 March 2006 at 1:47pm

 

Assalam u alaikum Sisters,

Thank you to all the sisters  for all the advice. Its soooo wonderful to know that there are so many women out there who  understand my dilemma.Thing is I disagree with Mexi and many other women who say that you should live with in-laws to pleaese your husband. One thing Mexi: My husband told me straight up when I was married that I will not be allowed to goto school unless I had scholarships or grants. If he had to pay and he couldnt or if I had loans then there was no way I could goto school. Alhumdulillah Allah helped me and I got a few scholarships and alot of grants Alhumdulillah. Second thing: My mother in law spoils her son like crazy. For example if we are at a gathering and he asks ME to get him food, she jumps up and before I can say or do anything immediately asks him what he wants and then will go get it herself even if she knows he requested it from me. She doesnt even look at me or give me the right of being the wife who gets her husband food! Little things like that that I have overlooked for so long because I thought 'O! it's ok, atleast I have a home I can go back to after this and I'm not going home with her'. Yes it's true that my husband will not have much money when he is going to school, but Allah always makes a way if we have intention of doing the right thing. His parents have mashaAllah alot of money. Moneyy that he will take to study anyway witht he intention of returning it WITHOUT interest to HIS parents. It's not like there is no way to provide for a little aprtment that doesnt cost too much at all especially with me working, I don't care for fancy things or materialistic cars.I m asking for a small studio where we can lay on the ground and sleep at night in peace and I can wake up to my own kitchen and my own bathroom without being asked what he wants for breakfast or when HE will come back. Itts true, I know my mother in law will never get in my business, like ask me anything about me, but my husbands business is MY business insnt it?If she is constantly asking me when he is coming back from class, getting him food, doing his laundry, talking to him and not so much to me and literally getting our business out of him because he is HER SON, throwing parties and expecting me to be there and not just that but help HER prepare them, then this is not fair. I believe Allah gave women this one right to  live seperately for a reason.Not everybody has good intentions and that includes mothers in law.Everytime she does something I dont like, she KNOWS.She knows I will be upset, she knows I will ask my husband about it. I am not asking my husband anything he cannot do, sometimes I feel it is ok to push alittle.I try my best to make him happy.I never have put school or anything else over him. I am not asking even now, for anything he CANNOT provide, he just needs to be pushed because if I dont then he will take it easy. Ofcourse if the option is paying some moeny and NO money in rent, and if I take it easy and tell him' o its ok we'll live at the parents house' then OFCOURSE he will take this option.Sometimes the wife has to push, and every woman knows her husbands capabilities and what he can and cannot do. I believe that this wont be this easiest thing in the world especialy when we are both full tiem students, but he has to remeber that he married me FIRST and went to school AFTER which puts him in a situation where his priorities as a spouse should be given the highest preference.He cannot forget his responsibilities.Yes, it would make HIS LIFE easier financially but MY life much MUCH harder family wise. When I have given him his rights of going to bed with him whenever he wants, serving him hot food and taking care of his belongings and his clothes then he can and should do this for me. One more thing, his mother still continues to meet with and associate with the girl he was very close to marrying before me KNOWING that I dislike this.My mother knows this hurts me, and this should not be taken so lightly because this other woman was THIS close to having sex with my husband, how can you expect any wife to overlook this?

 My husband and this woman were very cllose and i run in the same circles as her, i should not have to put up with this but I do for the sake of my husband because  whenever I have said anything it has caused a fight between my husband and me. Knowing all this, should i not ask for an apartment -no matter how run down since i dont care about that -for some peace of mind? My husband doesnt have the gutts to tell his parents that I willd o certain things my way because I am different from his mother. He cannot say this now when we do live seperate, I know he wont say it for sure if we live with them. drawing boundaries is very important, and helps alot and I believe I am doing just that by asking for my place.



Posted By: M E X I
Date Posted: 30 March 2006 at 3:14pm

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh....

Subhana'allah... sister Rashidr.. first of all..., if I wrote everything what till now you have read, and if my opinion was "so submissive" it was because from the beginning you never expressed the problems that you had with your mother in law as you did now, you didn't say openly the way she was behaving of, get sure that if from the beginning you had said everything what you have said, I had been the first one in advising you to ask your husband looking for a place away of your inlaw.

You said..>>>>>>

My husband just found out that he will be starting school in the Fall Inshallah and  he will have to quit his job because it will be full time school. For this he has asked me to think about living with his parents. His program will last 2 full years. I am finding this request very difficult to do. He says if we move in May 2006 then he will be able to save a little money thru summer till august before he starts school in september.

I am in a dilemma and some days I just think that I have a right and I should be given it especially since I am really trying to be  really good ot his parents. I dont know what to do. Should I put my foot down? Should I just do as he asked to relieve him of some financial burden? i love my husband very much but I just feel this is a bad decision especially for our marriage. Does anybody have any suggestions?

With this I could understand, if he was asking to live with his parents, probably because it was not feasible for him to pay a department after quit the work; this is what i got with your statement my dear sister, I didn't mean that your husband is not capable to do something more... Some men just cannot understand that we women can work and support them with money, YES we can help them but this just with time and talking with them, only with this they will or MIGHT understand it... or maybe they won't even after some years married. Why? bcz this is their nature, and I was thinking that if he asked you to move to his parents it was bcz maybe he didn't want you working or doing some other things... ALLAHU A3LAAM... I think you got my point....

Also..I don't know where is your husband from... bcz this have repercussions on the way as he thinks and so much in the way as his mother spoils him, so just check this out..

Again and AGAIN!! for you and for all those sisters who were hung of the roof on having heard my point of view... My idea is to support our husbands in all that we can, OBVIOUSLY without losing the rights that as wives and women we have. I hold my idea, I know that it is very difficult to live with the fathers in law, it is very difficult to handle the situation that you have told us, but if for my husband there is no another way, I wouldn't think about another thing that to try to enjoy the party in peace with my fathers in law, to be more intelligent than my mother in law and to act in a correct way making them all  satisfied.

But this is my point of view..... and if you said, your husband can face and deal with expensives, and he can understand that you will work and help him then goahead and go for it...

In any decision my sister i am sure all the sisters over here will support you and for sure we will make du3a for you...

May Allah guide you and help you with this hard situation, make your husband understand what you are expecting for ameen.

  

 



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“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”


Posted By: rashidr
Date Posted: 30 March 2006 at 6:36pm

 

Salam 'alaikum sister mexi,

I'm sorry i didn't explain the situation properly. I would still like to stress that his mother is good in the ways that she never probes me for answers or tells me to do something or gets into my business. she is good like that because she had major probpems with her own mother in law and because my husband's father is my maternal uncle. (My mothers brother) My husband is from pakistan and he was born and raised in Michigan. I was born and raised in Dubai and I never had grandparents that lived with us so i never knew how it was to live together although i never favored it or found it attractive. My mother was lucky i n this regard. This does not mean she had any fewer problems with her in laws. My husband's mother has pretty much always lived with her inlaws and I have heard terrible stories about her problems with my husbands grandmother (who is also my grandmother, my maternal grandmother). Sometimes i feel my mother in law has taken onthe characteristics of my grandmother (my grandmother in her younger days) and kind of takes some of her bitterness out on me. She thn ks because she was treated so badly, it's ok if i'm treated a little badly. This statement she has not exactly refuted when my husband asked her about this on a particulary hurtful occasion when she did something and a fact that my father-in law himself told us. So it is a testful time for me right now. I have heard good news from my husband that we will inshallah live seperate during the summer because I found a really good deal with a friend on campus at school. But Fall is a seperate issue. Inshaallah i'm hoping and praying really hard that he will see how beneficial this is to us himself. One of his sisters is coming back from her trip to Egypt and she is coming staying with her parents for a while. When i heard this, i thought- What if we lived there too? It would be soo  inconvenient even though i love his sister dearly and she is my first cousin. Its hard for parents not to show mmuch more affection to their daughters, especially married youngest daughters. But i donot hold this agsinst them becaus emy parents do the same thing although my brother is not yet married. I do thin k about this when he will be married and i tell my mother now that she has to be fair to her daughter in law because i am a duaghter in law and I know how it feels.So inshaAllah, please pray for me and this time. It is difficult but i am certain that InshaAllah Allah will make things easier. Inshaallah.  It is important to rember that as soon as we start walking away from Allah's laws, that's when we run into trouble and then we complain:)



Posted By: amah
Date Posted: 31 March 2006 at 8:15pm
Assalaamualaikum,

dear sister rashidr, we pray that Allah makes it easy for you and give you your own house always and peace of mind. after reading your whole story i realize again, that most mother in laws are same!

Even if inlaws are "nice" , to maintain good relations, a distance is necessary, and that distance can be kept only if you live separately. Living in the same house creates lotsa of problems.

My mother inlaw goes to the extent of playing games and proving to people how bad i am ..... please pray for me too that she stays away!

Take care sister, have tawakkul on Allah, all the best!
wassalaam



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Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)


Posted By: Danty
Date Posted: 01 April 2006 at 7:23pm
Dear Sister,
My husband and I lived with my parents in the beginning of our marriage because we both were in school. It was not that bad. If you decide to live with your husbands parents have lots of patience. The beginning years of marriage are probably the most challenging. You know, my sister and her husband and my sister in law also lived with us. There was a lot of stress but there were many good experiences being with family members. I learned a lot of patience at that time. The best outcome of this situation is that I had a baby(lots of help provided) and my husband got his degree and surely appreciated the way I stood by him during this difficult time in our life. All I can say,is pray and do what you can to make yours and your husbands life good. P.S. Don't do anything you will regret the rest of your life. May Allah help and protect your family. salam



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