In marriage but feeling lonely
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
Printed Date: 30 April 2016 at 8:14am
Topic: In marriage but feeling lonely
Posted By: Aleya
Subject: In marriage but feeling lonely
Date Posted: 12 March 2013 at 5:10am
Salaam brothers and sisters.
I am a 23 year old sister who has been married almost two years. My husband was someone who was my choice and we had got married whilst completing our final year at university due to my mothers cancer. I am her only daughter so she wanted to see me settled and I was ok with that as marriage is a good thing and believe it will keep me away from other sins. I am from a tiny family and he has a large family. He lives with his sisters brothers his older unmareied brother and parents. It was very hard for me to live there as there was no privacy and I would constantly be getting abuse from my sister in law (older) whilst my mother in law would brush it off. Plus my mother in law wouldn't allow me to shower more than once or twice a week due to bills. My hsuband helped his father but because its a large family he can't provide for everyone. They were against my studies and tried to keep me away from it providing distractions. It was a very difficult time in my life as every member was nasty to me and felt I was taking away their brother or son. Allah has been very kind and provided me with a home of my own which I have been in for 9 months. However the loss is that his family and I are no longer in touch because they want nothing to do with me and hate me. My husbands older brother n sister in law live on their own too with their son but because the older one is favourite they put up with his doings even if its wrong and his wife and due to their grandson. With my husband they want to control him. They have admitted that as they say there has to be someone living under control. What they forgot us u can't do that as two of their daughter in laws have left their house, the eldest and second eldest. The first one was white so they have in to her and she has tow boys. Unfortunately they are divorced now as she wants to live her life. The second son and daughter in law are very fake, smart and pretentious Allah forgive me but they are very conniving and do things in a sly way where they look better and will do anything to make me and my husband look evil and wrong to my in laws. N my inlaws listen to Taft son the most even though we were the ones living there and paying our way and helping.
Anyway, I went through an incredible amount of depression. I lost my personality and felt the worst ever in my life. I had support from my husband then so am grateful for that. And my family were supportive too even though they offered advice on how to stay but in the end everyone knew it would not work living in that hosuehold which such people.
I secretly said I went to university extra days only so I can stay away longer away from that house because I couldn't beat the torture and harsh comments and having my father in law knock on my room and tell me to serve and cook till 6/7 till 12. It was every day. And it was hard due to having to sleep early to go into Uni. I didn't share a physical relation with my husband for 1 year there.
This is because of how depressed and tired I was and how angry he was at we were constantly arguing about the situation in the house. Anyway not much could be done except we secretly looked for a home to buy as he didn't want to be upfront with his family. I told him to be honest but he chose not to as it would make me look bad. Either way I was looking the worst ever. So whilst we did find a home we decided to we how things go and just what we except when I bought maybe a few days were getting better, his father insulted me, my family, my mother as my parents are not together etc. said I'm rude and I don't know how to behave around him etc. I cried and said dad why are u saying this and pleaded with him to not say further. He wouldn't stop. That day killed everything. We had no choice but to go. So my husband took us to our house n we lived there. No one tried fixing even though we tried on our part. His siblings and brother in law and sister tried adding fuel to fire cos no one wanted us to be happy as his father already said tell my son to divorce her. They planned all that for me. Anyway as Ramadan came his older brother started saying nasty false things about my character. And wouldn't let me build relationships back with my in laws. He and his wife became jealous as they wanted to be the only ones who have their own house but still in power and have everyone at their feet. He and his wife hated that I was getting on with his younger sisters eventually. Things did get better as I happily went round there cooked and served them as I had my own privacy and shower and mental freedom. I still did things even thigh his mother and sister were very capable. So his sister in law and brother ruined everything for us and phones my family and gave my mother insults after insults and said I am nothing to that family and not are they. He also said his father told him to say this as they've been discussing this at home how to insult me and my family.
That was the final straw as my hsuband said me n my wide wont come to his parents as his parents were willing to solve this issue and hold a meeting about that day and what happened. I spoke to his mum she just twisted the story but never spoke when I said why didn't u stop him and why couldn't u just hold ur mouths? Do it looked like it was planned. We can't go because a human can take humiliation but for how long? How long? It's too much to beat and all these constant fights with them led to our relationship dismantling.
Anyway it's been 9 months we've not seen them or spoke at all. I tried keeping touch with his younger siblings they don't want to know me. I never stopped my husband from going there. But he says he doesn't like going back knowing That they don't give him enough credit and see him as a man. As a married man with a wife as they don't ever acknowledge me.
His elder sister who is married is a bigger hypocrite Allah forgive me but she doesn't live with her oil frail mother in law but hers was simply by choice. Her mother in law lives alone but everyone is ok with that but they're quick to long fingers at me. Even though I was practically forced to leave due to the series of events.
Now we are in our own home and I managed to gain a degree within 3 months of grafting at my own house. Both of us. He did too. Although we got a 2:2. He is really struggling now because financially it isn't that great but I am patient and learning to work around his small earnings right now. Allah will help us and at least we are not going to anyone else for money. We are managing just somehow.
Now because of his low classification (this isn't that great for employment in UK) he is really depressed and down. He's working in a dead end takeaway job and his prospects are lower. He doesn't want me to work either as I am low in iron and quite weak. I find it hard to do both. Work and come home and cook and clean. I said I want to work atleast part time and that way il have my own money to spend on my needs so that will help. But at the same time I thought I'd try getting a professional full time job to gain some experience before I have children. That way it will always help me in future
He is down and we don't have any quality time since we got married. Yes we're not constantly arguing but because of money he's working too long hours 16 hours a day. He comes home and goes to bed and wakes up for the other job. I'm feeling so lonely and Hurt and neglected as I won't see him at all. He's working 6/7 days a week. I don't know how il cope with this loneliness. I want to work that way i will keep busy too. But I just need all your prayers tag he finds a good paid 9-5 day job where we both have time in evening for each other. I will work day too I don't mind there's two of us so it's not too much cooking cleaning. I will learn to manage my time efficiently.
What do I do now? We share no physical love and affection encase of our routine and the love is dying I'm scared. It's cos we literally have no time. Any time we do have it goes on going to town to pay bills etc and shopping or seeing some relatives who get offended if we don't go. I don't even visit my mum and grandmas often ether as I do my housework at home and want to spend whatever time I have with my husband. But now am really in fear of our relationship. It's so sad how people get caught up in the world of work that they rarely have time for family. It scares me. I wonder f he will get good job as it looks quite distant and I'm scared he will be stuck in That. It's not just his degree classification am scared of its his gcses. And in today's economy a good income is required to pay for bills and necessities let alone luxuries. Am not even wanting that.
Pls advice me. I cry to Allah and trying to better my salaah. Pls make dua. I know Allah will help he always has helped me he's been so generous. But what do I do about this loneliness and overcome it? I don't really have any friends. They've all gone their own ways and changed I can't call them friends no more. It's hard to make new friends when your not around people anymore. I form even have a sister to comfort me and laugh with. I am really lonely in all angles.
Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 12 March 2013 at 9:47pm
I just want to say how sorry I am for your struggles. I do say that you are very blessed in having a husband who stands with you and backs you up, and supports you. A husband working two jobs though with never anytime for closeness, yes, can definitely be a drain, and a killer, to a relationship. I have always wondered how women with military husbands manage... but then they usually have the comraderie of one another... the women support one another. Could you not get involved with women in the mosque?
I completely understand your desire to work. I think we all need to feel useful, and it sounds like bringing in some extra money would be useful. Especially if your husband could cut down his working hours this would help to preserve your marriage. Both because you would be feeling better about yourself, and he would have less of a burden.
I will pray for you.
Salaam and blessings to you, try to stay strong. We go through seasons in life... this may be one of the stormy ones, but there may be sunshine to come.
Let us seek Truth together
Blessed be God forever
"I believe in Jesus as I believe in the sun... not because I see it, but because by it, I see everything else.: - C.S.Lewis
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 12 March 2013 at 10:22pm
Be patient its a tough economy, and good he has employment until something more suitable come his way. Maybe you could volunteer some hours at an Islamic school as a teacher's assistant to curve your daily loneliness. Also, even though your husband comes home tired, make an extra effort to prepare yourself nicely and show interest in his work and share your day with him being as cheerful as possible. Allah bless you with good in this life and the next for your struggles.