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Your thoughts matter

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Men (Brothers)
Forum Discription: Groups Men (Brothers)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=24667
Printed Date: 30 August 2014 at 1:23pm


Topic: Your thoughts matter
Posted By: zMisbahz
Subject: Your thoughts matter
Date Posted: 19 January 2013 at 6:23pm
Salam Everyone,

      let me begin by saying that I wish for each and everyone reading this to please not judge me. All I want is for the brothers here to listen & tell me their own take on this matter. (please note that I have taken out certain personal issues from the story in order to protect ones identity) Thanks.

So here it goes, a few years ago I was at the point where I was beginning to feel the need to complete the other half of my deen (marriage). I was then just about to begin my Master's Degree hence I thought it would be a good time to begin looking for a Muslim Sister so that when I am done with my degree those period would have given both of us & the family the opportunity to be acquainted. I met a Muslimah on one of these online Muslim dating sites to my surprise she resided a city away from mine roughly about 5 hours. We began talking on the phone not seeing physically of course, she seemed like a decent person and being that we got along so well I thought hey this might be it. Things escalated to a point where she felt we should meet, also I noticed from our conversation that she was more in tuned to getting married due to her high sex drive (sorry I had to mention this) and she was worried something might happen, I gave her my word that I really do not mind seeing her physically but we can communicate on phone until we both are ready & then we can involve parents accordingly. Of which she seemed to object for her own reasons which were unclear to me then, it seemed she wanted to know if I was truly who I claimed to be, so I made few trips over to see her, but then afterwards she kept pressing the issue to get married as soon as possible...
THIS IS WHERE I NEED YOU BROTHERS TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION
and I constantly made it clear that I was on the verge of completing my Degree and that it would be better for us to exercise some patience, since we both want to be with each other, we can just wait once am done I will get all parents involved, after all I feel it's the Man that should approach the Woman for her hand,.. she kept pressing. I must say I truly did like the girl but her impatience & approach was what worried me. She kept pressing based on the understanding that she didn't want to commit sin & I assured her I understood that we are indeed supposed to stay away from one another. There even came a point when she convinced me that we could go ahead with the Nikah without her Dad's acknowledgment (My God - I was so st**id & weak)... but it's so funny as Allah would want it, whenever we tried going to the Masjid or calling Imam's up something negative would happen, I was trying to tell her the signs without hurting her feelings but she thought I wasn't serious enough to pursue her. Needless to say her pressure was unbearable as it started affecting my studies... What really gets to me is that she is always stating that she is trying to do the right thing by Allah to get married but I always tell her yes we should do the right thing by Allah but also at the right time, you can't say because you are ready then we have to do a Nikah regardless of my state. I think both couples have to be in sync to do it. I was always made to feel like I was the bad person trying to string her along....

I would like to know if you guys here were in my situation what would you have done, I need to know this so I can see where I went wrong, as I plan to give you all the 2nd part of the story Inshallah.... I am just a bit cautious posting everything here as one can't always be too careful... Thank you all for listening, I seek your opinion and comfort as sometimes I just need someone to listen to me and advice me as the pain from the relationship has cost me my health and overall mental state....



Replies:
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 22 January 2013 at 9:05am
Originally posted by zMisbahz

Salam Everyone,

      let me begin by saying that I wish for each and everyone reading this to please not judge me. All I want is for the brothers here to listen & tell me their own take on this matter. (please note that I have taken out certain personal issues from the story in order to protect ones identity) Thanks.

So here it goes, a few years ago I was at the point where I was beginning to feel the need to complete the other half of my deen (marriage). I was then just about to begin my Master's Degree hence I thought it would be a good time to begin looking for a Muslim Sister so that when I am done with my degree those period would have given both of us & the family the opportunity to be acquainted. I met a Muslimah on one of these online Muslim dating sites to my surprise she resided a city away from mine roughly about 5 hours. We began talking on the phone not seeing physically of course, she seemed like a decent person and being that we got along so well I thought hey this might be it. Things escalated to a point where she felt we should meet, also I noticed from our conversation that she was more in tuned to getting married due to her high sex drive (sorry I had to mention this) and she was worried something might happen, I gave her my word that I really do not mind seeing her physically but we can communicate on phone until we both are ready & then we can involve parents accordingly. Of which she seemed to object for her own reasons which were unclear to me then, it seemed she wanted to know if I was truly who I claimed to be, so I made few trips over to see her, but then afterwards she kept pressing the issue to get married as soon as possible...
THIS IS WHERE I NEED YOU BROTHERS TO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION
and I constantly made it clear that I was on the verge of completing my Degree and that it would be better for us to exercise some patience, since we both want to be with each other, we can just wait once am done I will get all parents involved, after all I feel it's the Man that should approach the Woman for her hand,.. she kept pressing. I must say I truly did like the girl but her impatience & approach was what worried me. She kept pressing based on the understanding that she didn't want to commit sin & I assured her I understood that we are indeed supposed to stay away from one another. There even came a point when she convinced me that we could go ahead with the Nikah without her Dad's acknowledgment (My God - I was so st**id & weak)... but it's so funny as Allah would want it, whenever we tried going to the Masjid or calling Imam's up something negative would happen, I was trying to tell her the signs without hurting her feelings but she thought I wasn't serious enough to pursue her. Needless to say her pressure was unbearable as it started affecting my studies... What really gets to me is that she is always stating that she is trying to do the right thing by Allah to get married but I always tell her yes we should do the right thing by Allah but also at the right time, you can't say because you are ready then we have to do a Nikah regardless of my state. I think both couples have to be in sync to do it. I was always made to feel like I was the bad person trying to string her along....

I would like to know if you guys here were in my situation what would you have done, I need to know this so I can see where I went wrong, as I plan to give you all the 2nd part of the story Inshallah.... I am just a bit cautious posting everything here as one can't always be too careful... Thank you all for listening, I seek your opinion and comfort as sometimes I just need someone to listen to me and advice me as the pain from the relationship has cost me my health and overall mental state....
 
Wa Alaikkum As'alaam
 
I'm sorry bro but I'm getting negative vibes about the sister. I wonder why she is so impatient? Apart from the sex of course. Anyway, if she truly wanted you and is honest then she would have been patient until you have completed your studies. Another thing that scares me is the fact that she is not too keen to involve her parents. Has she got anything to hide?
 
My adivice to you is to be careful. Is she also bossy by any chance?


Posted By: zMisbahz
Date Posted: 22 January 2013 at 11:01am
Salam,

Glad to hear from you brother, truly appreciate it. I will start by saying I do not wish to bad mouth her but I am just going to state the mere facts. I too found things funny (bad vibes to be exact) however, being the person I am and a Muslim (Alhamdullah) I thought it was best not to judge her too early but see how it works out but my oh my was I wrong. I think the issue is that yes she does have a tight knit family but I do not know if there is anything to hide within the family but I found it awkward that a Female will press for Marriage especially when I the Male have given her my word that we will do things accordingly (Islamic).

The problem I see is every time I try to be reasonable & Logical with her, that is I tell her as a Man I need to establish myself that way I can provide for my family and not feel the pressure of having to go depend on external factors to do so but I get the feeling that she comes from a background where everything revolves around her and has not come across a Man that will stand his ground, (forgive me if it sounds that I am proud for saying this), right now I am in this relationship knee deep and I need advice in order to proceed. I like her as a person but the character is something that bothers me, she does mean good but I feel sometime is not right, you know that feeling you get but can't be explained. what makes it worse is prior to meeting her I was getting to know another woman that was supposedly Muslim but never chose to practice the religion so when I met this new Girl I am talking about I thought it was from Allah but the last year has been a HUGE TEST OF MY FAITH... It makes me sad that although I know she has fear of Allah no doubt the emphasis on Marriage as if Marriage is going to save ones soul makes me doubt my own understanding of my Religion. It as if she makes me feel I don't understand the essence of marriage.
One thing I know about marriage is I don't want to get into it & then get out real quick - My Parents have nothing but Love for each other & they propagated it to us the children.
   Thanks for listening, can't wait to hear back from you


Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 22 January 2013 at 6:49pm
Originally posted by zMisbahz

Salam,

Glad to hear from you brother, truly appreciate it. I will start by saying I do not wish to bad mouth her but I am just going to state the mere facts. I too found things funny (bad vibes to be exact) however, being the person I am and a Muslim (Alhamdullah) I thought it was best not to judge her too early but see how it works out but my oh my was I wrong. I think the issue is that yes she does have a tight knit family but I do not know if there is anything to hide within the family but I found it awkward that a Female will press for Marriage especially when I the Male have given her my word that we will do things accordingly (Islamic).

The problem I see is every time I try to be reasonable & Logical with her, that is I tell her as a Man I need to establish myself that way I can provide for my family and not feel the pressure of having to go depend on external factors to do so but I get the feeling that she comes from a background where everything revolves around her and has not come across a Man that will stand his ground, (forgive me if it sounds that I am proud for saying this), right now I am in this relationship knee deep and I need advice in order to proceed. I like her as a person but the character is something that bothers me, she does mean good but I feel sometime is not right, you know that feeling you get but can't be explained. what makes it worse is prior to meeting her I was getting to know another woman that was supposedly Muslim but never chose to practice the religion so when I met this new Girl I am talking about I thought it was from Allah but the last year has been a HUGE TEST OF MY FAITH... It makes me sad that although I know she has fear of Allah no doubt the emphasis on Marriage as if Marriage is going to save ones soul makes me doubt my own understanding of my Religion. It as if she makes me feel I don't understand the essence of marriage.
One thing I know about marriage is I don't want to get into it & then get out real quick - My Parents have nothing but Love for each other & they propagated it to us the children.
   Thanks for listening, can't wait to hear back from you
 
Alaikkum Salaam
 
Also Islamically and in the natural order of things, a man is the head of the household and the wife is supposed to listen to and obey the husband and not the other way around. If she is bossy then I can see problems in the marriage and I'm presuming that you don't like to be ordered around by a woman.
 
My advise would be to not to rush into marriage, take your time as there are millions of good Muslimah's out there. You just have to find her Insha'Allah.
 
If it makes you happy I've never understood women and I don't I ever will. :)


Posted By: zMisbahz
Date Posted: 25 January 2013 at 10:19am
Salam,

I truly appreciate your advice, you are right about not rushing into marriage as I really don't want to. I too am having a great deal trying understand women's way of thinking, I am by no means trying to put them down but it seems to me a lot of times their reasoning appears not to be logical and purely based on feelings... Feelings can most of the time get one in hot water. Also, I agree with you on the point that there are millions of wonderful Muslimah's out there however, I must be honest with you my brother, it seems its getting so difficult to find one - and believe me I have tried approaching the Masjid few times but you really don't want to hear my experience with that approach... Thanks my Brother, you have been wonderful, just being there for me..


Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 26 January 2013 at 2:36am
Originally posted by zMisbahz

Salam,

I truly appreciate your advice, you are right about not rushing into marriage as I really don't want to. I too am having a great deal trying understand women's way of thinking, I am by no means trying to put them down but it seems to me a lot of times their reasoning appears not to be logical and purely based on feelings... Feelings can most of the time get one in hot water. Also, I agree with you on the point that there are millions of wonderful Muslimah's out there however, I must be honest with you my brother, it seems its getting so difficult to find one - and believe me I have tried approaching the Masjid few times but you really don't want to hear my experience with that approach... Thanks my Brother, you have been wonderful, just being there for me..
 
Alaikkum As'alaam
 
Bro sometimes we have to make decisions that are really hard but in the end it will be for our own good. This girl seems to have the opposite personaltiy to yourself and I can see problems down the line. So isn't it better to move on and find somebody who is more compatible to your way of thinking? From the case you have presented she is not compatible. To be hoest, she doesn't come across as a true Muslimah as she is pushing you and trying to control you. A true Muslimah will respect the man and listen to him rather than trying to order him around. She will know her place, even if it sounds sexist.


Posted By: us2inNorway
Date Posted: 08 February 2013 at 12:43pm
Hi zM,
 
Just a short coment, you seem to be a very nice guy. And she kind of  uposite... Normally it is the other way around.
This shows abit about your personality, and a good advice - do not change! And, eventually, her or another girl, someone will be happy to have you. So with this in your mind, take care, take your time, and do not do anything before you have been thinking it through.. As mentioned, someone will be happy to have you, and the one it will be will appriciate you. If not, they serioucly does not diserve you.. So take your time!!! And no matter what you figure out, you are doing the correct!!


Posted By: zMisbahz
Date Posted: 09 February 2013 at 5:41pm
Hi ,

Thanks for your soothing words, so nice to see and hear from good people like yourself in this forum. You are right when you say the right person will come along. I don't mean to sound arrogant but I think my problem at times is due to my calm humble nature, this at times makes others not take my words or action seriously. When I convey my idea in a polite manner to her (the girl I was talking about) she takes it as if am not serious or am too laid back. Whatever the case is, you are right - us2inNorway, the one that will appreciate will come along. One thing I want to share with people here is that, do not let a woman push you around, physically or mentally, (no disrespect to them). From now on, if I say NO I mean NO. Thanks Man , and also huge thanks to AbuLoren previously


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 12 February 2013 at 3:59am
I think one possible reason that she may be pressing for a quick marriage is because she does not trust your commitment. She needs some sort of commitment from you, how can she be sure that you will marry her? She probably told her parents, and they said - if he is serious, he will offer some sort of commitment. A commitment my friend, is a nikah. You don't have to start living together, have a nikah - and then continue with your masters. This will give her the commitment she needs.

Its not about being bossy, or ''funny''', its basically making sure that the guy is not just stringing you along with false promises. I think she is doing the right thing, if you can't marry her, she should end the relationship - because there is no point.

You should involve your parents and have the parents talk, and have an engagement. I bet she will stop pressuring you for a nikah then.

Abu Loren's advise I feel was rather immature. [To be hoest, she doesn't come across as a true Muslimah as she is pushing you and trying to control you. A true Muslimah will respect the man and listen to him rather than trying to order him around. She will know her place, even if it sounds sexist.] Really? Ok! Ermm




-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: zMisbahz
Date Posted: 12 February 2013 at 8:56am
Salam,

    Hi Chrysalis. Abu Loren has his/her opinion and I must respect it (we must too). Now I get the feeling from your comment that you think I may not be giving her the commitment, if this is what you are getting at I must say you are wrong. I doubt you read my initial post clearly , if not kindly do so again, did you know she tried getting me to do a Nikah without the consent of her Father "Is that right Islamically", what woman does that. Are you a Male or Female, if you are the latter may I ask, would you push a Man to marry without the consent of your Mahram (Guardian). this is not a case of not giving her a commitment as I did give her my words, spoke to my parents about it as well as reassured her that if she is worried about any relationship issues before marriage we don't even have to meet that way she can protect herself , (tell me, am not trying to be proud or big headed), how many men do you know that know certainly a woman is head over heels for them and not take advantage of it in this day and age we live in. Now most times people forget to think about the Man in this instances but worry about the woman instead. I told her the truth and laid down my ideas from day one, bottom line is if she didn't like it why didn't she leave, I have and never will force my ideas on a female. She wouldn't leave and she wouldn't let me leave if I chose to walk away from it. Thanks for taking the time out to respond, I truly appreciate it.


Posted By: NABA
Date Posted: 30 April 2013 at 8:31am
walecum As Salaam,if I would have been in your position I truly say to her that let me complete my studies first and then marry,yes love is right at its place but practically it is odd,because even after completing ur studies U have to look for a good job and then marriage comes after that.that's my opinion.Allahfiz



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