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Need Advise - Marriage

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=24573
Printed Date: 23 November 2014 at 1:03am


Topic: Need Advise - Marriage
Posted By: aminahV17
Subject: Need Advise - Marriage
Date Posted: 02 January 2013 at 2:17pm
Salaam Alaikum, I need some advice.  I'm married now for 3 years and my husband wants to take on another wife.  I'm a muslim now since 2008 and I have accepted Islam with all my heart and soul. 
 
My husband said that I knew before we got married that he wanted to take another wife, and he also was made aware of my feelings about that as well.  I know this is what Allah has allowed the man, but I'm feeling some kind of way about it.
 
I told my husband, that I have no right to opposed what Allah had granted the man, however, it's not in my heart and I will step aside and let him marry the other woman, I'll just ask for a divorce.  Please advise as I love my husband, I just can't stand the thought of sharing him with another woman.  Not to mentioned that I'm the one who is employed in this marriage, not my husband. 
 
I thought the man wasn't allowed to marry unless he can provide all parties the same/equal living and at present, I'm the one supporting us.  I'm confused, is my husband being selfish or am I?  Please, I need some adivce.
 



Replies:
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 03 January 2013 at 2:05am
Originally posted by aminahV17

Salaam Alaikum, I need some advice.  I'm married now for 3 years and my husband wants to take on another wife.  I'm a muslim now since 2008 and I have accepted Islam with all my heart and soul. 
 
My husband said that I knew before we got married that he wanted to take another wife, and he also was made aware of my feelings about that as well.  I know this is what Allah has allowed the man, but I'm feeling some kind of way about it.
 
I told my husband, that I have no right to opposed what Allah had granted the man, however, it's not in my heart and I will step aside and let him marry the other woman, I'll just ask for a divorce.  Please advise as I love my husband, I just can't stand the thought of sharing him with another woman.  Not to mentioned that I'm the one who is employed in this marriage, not my husband. 
 
I thought the man wasn't allowed to marry unless he can provide all parties the same/equal living and at present, I'm the one supporting us.  I'm confused, is my husband being selfish or am I?  Please, I need some adivce.
 
 
Wa'Alaikkum As'alaam.
 
First of all I suggest you consult your Imam or somebody who is well versed in Shari'a Law.
 
As far as my understanding on the matter, you are right to say that the husband should be in a position to provide for his wives. As he is currently unemployed and not bringing in an income then he is in no position to marry a second wife.
 
You did not say if if you've agreed to his proposal of a second wife before you got married.
 
From a strictly human point of view, we are all jealous creatures and not all of us can cope with being a second, third or fourth wife to a man. These require exceptional qualities and a woman must be very unselfish to accept co-wives.
 
I'd say that what you are feeling is quiet 'normal' and I am guessing that you are born and broght up in the West (not that this has any bearing on the situation).
 
Finally, I would say that as you love him so much then try to talk to him and ask him why he needs a second wife. I wonder if it's just for his selfish reasons. Perhaps you can pray the Istikhara prayer?
 
May Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala give you guidance. Ameen.


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 03 January 2013 at 7:23am
Stand your ground and don't allow it!  He is completely out of line.
 


Posted By: aminahV17
Date Posted: 03 January 2013 at 7:41am
Salaam Alaikum, thank you so much for the advise.  On if I agreed to allow my husband to have a second wife, I told him that Allah has not put it in my heart, therefore, I'm not in agreement with it.
 
Yes, I was born and raised in the United States as was my husband.  My husband has been muslim for more than 30 years, and as I've stated before, I'm a muslim now since 2008.  I have embraced islam and I live a very islamic lifestyle, however, I cannot accept my husband having another wife.
 
Thank you very much for the advise.


Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 09 January 2013 at 6:03am
Originally posted by abuayisha

Stand your ground and don't allow it! He is completely out of line.


ditto.

Pray istekharah.

Where are you located. If you are in a non-muslm country he cannot even have more than one wife.

If he insists, file for divorce.

-------------
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.


Posted By: Lightsearch
Date Posted: 18 January 2013 at 11:19am
Hello Aminah,

I understqand that you are facing a tought period in your life sister, and there are some things that must be taken into full consideration. If you decide to go by the law of Allah, your husband is inly permitted to marry a second wife if he is capable of maintaining/increasing the level of comfort for all of his spouses. If your man is currently unemployed, he is in no position to fix a second marriage before he obtains a job!

If being committed-to-battle-out any discussion is not your type of communication, there are additional, softer ways to attempt having this sorted out - love causes wonders, it is a power of which we often forget due to the daily tasks. Why not to refresh his memory, suprise him? Here is what I would suggest - why not to gather some photographs from the happy times of your relationship http://print24.com/uk/product/postcards - print postcards out of that and send them, have them delivered to him, gradually reminding him that you are supportive of him, care for him and your relationship is vital for your happyness. At times, soft words can do much more than the harsh tone. Inshallah my sister it will all work out well.


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 27 January 2013 at 8:23pm
My advice is the same as Abuayisha and Nausheen.

Make dua to Allah for your marital life.

It is PERFECTLY FINE and NORMAL for a wife to have a problem with a 2nd marriage.

-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: aminahV17
Date Posted: 28 January 2013 at 9:21am
Salaam Alaykum, thank you so very much for your kind words.  We've seem to have worked things out for now.  My husband realized my discomfort with his decision to take another wife, and has decided not to do so at this time.
 
Again, I could not have made it throught his difficult time without the support from people such as yourself.  May Allah continue to shine his wisdom, blessings and mercy upon your and your family, InShaAllah.
 
Salaam Alaykum
Sister AminahBig%20smile


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 06 February 2013 at 3:56pm
http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/comment-page-1/ - http://www.suhaibwebb.com/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/polygamous-marriage/comment-page-1/


-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 06 February 2013 at 6:32pm
Excellent link Chrysalis, thanks for sharing it.


Posted By: aminahV17
Date Posted: 11 February 2013 at 7:43am
Salaam Alaykum, thanks for shaing the piece with me on polygamy.  I did read and understood exactly what it was saying.



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