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? about one person slandering another

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Women (Sisters)
Forum Discription: Groups Women (Sisters)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=2410
Printed Date: 20 April 2014 at 8:29pm


Topic: ? about one person slandering another
Posted By: 222dnallohc
Subject: ? about one person slandering another
Date Posted: 27 September 2005 at 11:57am

Asalamu Alaikum sisters,

I am interested to find out more about how slander or spreading false stories about another person is dealt with in Islam.  I am a very honest and trustworthy person, and there is someone in my life who I have found out has been making up false stories about me and telling other people.  How do I deal with this situation? 

JazakAllahkhairan




Replies:
Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 27 September 2005 at 2:27pm
I find the best medicine is to confront someone directly, ask them if they are talking about you and without using names say what you have heard she said. If you are married talk to your husband and tell the person talking about you that you may have your husband talk to her husband if she persists, men usually will not support thier wives gossiping about others. I think the best thing is to be direct, and if you have to tell people I don't know why she is talking about me, apparently she has too much time on her hands, because I have no time to think about her and what she is doing. Hope that helps.. Peace

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: 222dnallohc
Date Posted: 27 September 2005 at 3:29pm

Thank you for your reply Jenni,

I am in a sticky situation because the person in question is my mother in law.  Yikes, I know.  My husband knows that all the things she says are not true, but no matter what he does or how he tries to handle things with her, it doesnt help.  I have not done anything bad to her or lied to her in all of the 11 years of my husband and I knowing eachother.  She makes up stories out of thin air, which are quite shocking to me, and she is often accusing me of doing things I didnt do.  The problem is that she says these things to my husband and other people, but never comes to me to ask me herself.  Unfortunatly, my husband repeats to me what she tells him, and he really needs to stop that.  I have told him to stop telling me these things, I really dont want to know any more, because frankly, it has gotten completely out of hand and ridiculous.  I am so angry and pray that Allah gives me the strength to get through this.  I was about to ask my husband to have her come visit us at our home for a while and it would give me the opportunity to sit down and talk to her.  But before I could do so today, the latest info I got from my husband was that she was insinuating that I did something so horrible and outrageous, that I dont even want to mention it here.  All three of her children got very upset with her for this when they heard her say it.  I told my husband again not to tell me anything anymore...what I dont know wont hurt me, right?

What do I do?  How do I handle this situation?  What do I say to her when I see her?  I know she is the mother of my husband, but I cannot accept this kind of treatment from her any longer.  But from what I can see, there is no stopping it.  It seems I either have to live with it the rest of my life, or leave my husband and I dont want to do that.  and I dont want to create a wedge between my husband and his mother.



Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 27 September 2005 at 4:42pm
222dnallohc- first of all, sorry to hear about your struggles with your inlaw. I find being a convert that one ofthe few benifits of American culture is that generally speaking in-laws stay out of a marraige and leave it to the couple which is best. Unfortunatly in many countries like pakistan, india and even other arab countries the in-laws are overly involved in the marraige and even cause many problems, sometimes even divorce. You do not want to end the relationship between your husband and his mom, however clearly it is YOUR HUSBANDS RESPONSIBILITY to protect you from any harm his family may be bringing on you. And no one of us should let our parents do something that is very bad like slander another person. If your husband wants to protect your marraige he needs to demand to his mother that she stop talking about you period. He needs to tell her that slander and gossip are a great sin in Islam and making false witness to someone doing something wrong is such a great sin that how can she expect Allah to forgive her. If he loves his mother he will not let her do such a thing. I suggest a family meeting where everyone sits down together and that you have someone from your family there like your mom or sister or brother so that you have someone on your side. And then get it all in the open. This should only be a last resort if all else fails. By the way in Islam you do not have the same responsibility to obey his parents like you do your own. So don't feel that your mom inlaw is allowed to make you miserable because she can't. for some reason some mom in laws just want to make problems, they can't stand their son to love a woman and be happy and thier jealousy just makes them cause problems. As a last resort you can tell your husband to handle it or else you may have to move on. Or maybe you can move far away from her with your husband. I hope inshalla things will improve. Peace

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: firewall
Date Posted: 27 September 2005 at 5:15pm


Posted By: 222dnallohc
Date Posted: 27 September 2005 at 6:10pm

Thank you for your input sisters. 

InshAllah things will work out one day, but at this point she doesnt even wish to speak to me and even forbids her two daughters from speaking to me.  Its been more than a year that we have not spoken.  And all this based on untruth. 

She is also possibly angry that my husband and I came back to live in the states (we were living in Saudi, which she pushed us to do, and then our lives were not happy there, so we came back to the states).  I spent some time alone with her overseas in another middle eastern country before my Saudi visa was approved (before moving to Saudi).  And she told me she wanted me to be another daughter to her and so on and so forth, and she told me all of her inner most secrets and problems, which I listened to and was her shoulder to cry on.  I have always treated her well and I thought we were close.  But its when I am not around her thats when things fall apart.  She has always lived far away from us, so I only see her during visits.  When we lived in the states and when we lived in Saudi, I called her every two weeks at least (an overseas call)- I called her on my own most of the time even when my husband was at work...because I knew she liked that.  But I let myself get upset when I heard through my husband some things she was saying and accusing me of when we lived in Saudi, and things were never the same after that, I really felt betrayed....here I am I gave up my country and my life to move overseas to be closer to her, and she does this to me.  All the time I lived in Saudi, I never got a phone call from her or her daughters to check on me to see how I was adjusting...I always had to be the one to call, otherwise we'd never speak.  Before we moved to Saudi, I had spent my final three months in the states with my sister-in-law and her husband helping them set up in their new life here- they moved to the US from overseas and stayed with us until they got settled- and they never called or emailed to check up on me to see how I was doing in Saudi. 

I suffered a severe back injury while over there and neither my MIL nor her other daughter ever asked me about it when they visited us in our home.  It hurts my feelings, I cant help it.  I have done so much for her and her daughters over the years, I'd at least expect to be treated like a human being.  I feel Ive gone above and beyond what the vast majority of wives do for their husbands family...there is so much I have done for them over these many years and never wanted anything in return but to be treated like a person.  I have had three surgeries in the last 6 months for various things including a miscarriage (after trying to conceive for 2 years), as well as back surgery (with a 2 month recovery), and never received one get well wish from anyone in my husbands family.  It hurts so much.  I cant help but feel hurt.  Am I asking too much of his family...isnt it normal for me to expect them to make a tiny effort every once in a while?

So my husband is visiting his mother at the moment, and he is trying to figure out a way to get our relationship back on track.  I know whats going to happen, I am just going to have to be super nice to her and call her a million times and let her hang the phone up on me for a while.  Then over time she will eventually talk to me, but she will never admit that she made a mistake, and I will just have to live with that.  I plan to politely ask that if she has a question or concern about me, to please let me know directly so we can discuss it.  It just makes me cringe though. 

How do I get over the hurt I feel?  How do I deal with the uncomfortable feeling I will have when I interact with relatives and people that she has told false stories to?  Do I take them aside and talk to them or just ignore it?  I just dont know.  It's like a bad nighmare, but its real life.  I pray that Allah (swt) gives me the strength to get through this and find forgiveness in my heart.



Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 27 September 2005 at 6:30pm
firewall, in Islam your parent in laws do not have the same right over you as your own parents, it is not a matter of what you have been taught but what is the truth. Search islammicity's website Q&A ask the Imam, he clearly states and so do most other scholars that you do not have to obey your in laws like your own parents. They do not have the right to tell you what to do and interfere in your marriage, if you want to let them that is your choice. I have a great relationship with my inlaws because we respect and love each other and my husband would not allow his mom to mistreat me or me to mistreat her, it is up to the husband to be strong and lead the family and protect his wife since the family can cause problems.

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: kim!
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 2:49am
I'm sorry, but I have to ask - do ALL (or 95% of) Muslimas have evil mothers in law?

I don't get it - _nowhere_ do I see more sad stories about mothers in law than on Muslim websites.

Why????

WHat is wrong with your mothers in law? Why are they SO nasty?

Truly - I'm not trying to be rude, but it seems to be a dreadful, widespread pattern. What education or socialisation did these women miss out on?

Kim...




Posted By: firewall
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 5:01am



Posted By: ummziba
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 6:34am

Assalamu alaikum,

If we look to the Qur'an, we find that our in-laws are mahram to us; does this not make them "as our parents"?

".....and not reveal their adornment except to their husbands, or their fathers, or their husband's fathers......."   Qur'an an nur 24:31

As Muslims striving to please Allah in all that we do, would we not strive to have good relations with all people, and most especially with our family?

Sister 222dnallohc, I am sorry to hear of your troubles.  Perhaps you might put your own hurt aside and ponder how best to please Allah, as that is what matters.  Consider this, if you are kind and pleasant to everyone, at all times, who will believe the slander against you?  Slander is only words, your actions speak much louder.

Remember that the life of this world is a trial, so, not all things will be lovely and pleasant.  How we react to the unpleasantness, the trials in our life, greatly determines our status in the Afterlife.  Again, let us look to the Qur'an:

"Every human being is bound to taste death: but only on the Day of Resurrection will you be requitted in full [for whatever you have done] - where upon he that shall be drawn away from the fire and brought into paradise will indeed have gained a triumph: for the life of this world is nothing but an enjoyment of self-delusion."  Qur'an al imran 3:185

Is it better to endure hurt feelings from a mother in law who displeases Allah, while you please Him or is it better to displease Allah and have your feelings all better?  Allah reminds us many times in the Qur'an that this life is a trial.  Enduring hardships in this life with grace and kindness towards others can only benefit us. 

It is a shame that your husband cannot convince his own mother to stop her bad behavior, but, if you both treat her with kindness and gentleness and have both tried to reason with her and she continues, the sin is all hers.  May Allah grant you patience and courage to deal with this trial.

Peace, ummziba. 



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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~


Posted By: herjihad
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 9:01am

Bismillah,

22 your hurt feelings are real.  May Allah, SWT, help you cure them and lead you to peace. 

I suggest working on your relationship with the other family members since you say you are concerned about what they think.  Speak to your husband's sisters.  Find a way because in the end, that could hurt your relationship with your husband more. 

The most important relationship discussed here is that between you and your husband.  Does he expect you to call MIL endelssly, or will he understand if you just focus on other things in your life?

May Allah, SWT, cure your back and bring ease to your life and help you with your children to be strong, supportive, and enduring for all of you.



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Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.


Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 3:29pm
To all of you, if you have the opinion that your inlaws are like your own parents, that is fine, what I have stated is exactly what I have read here on Islamicity. You do not have to obey your in laws, yes you should treat them with respect and kindness, however you do not have to tolerate things from them that you may have to from your own parents. Search Islammicity if you don't believe me, I am just restatning what has allready been said. My husband and I make our own decisions, and would never think of consulting our parents on things related to our marraige, if others choose to that is your choice, however it is not a religious obligation and a marraige is a private relationship between the couple. No woman should have to tolerate slander and abuse and I am tired of the apologetic sisters here allways telling women to tolerate more harm. Oh sister, just forgive this, just look the other way, just take your husband back. Please, Muslim women DON'T HAVE TO ALLWAYS BE DOORMATS!!!! And so sad our sisters encourage us to just smile and take more crap even though the people who are wronging us are commiting sin. No wonder people think we are so repressed...

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 3:33pm
Ummziba-if your inlaws are as your parents, if you divorce will they take you in and care for you even though thier son has left you? Or when they die will they leave you an inheritence like thier own daughter? No because they are not like your parents. They are your husbands parents and your childrens grandparents and should be treated kindly, but they are not your parents and most will never really consider you like thier own daughter...

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: 222dnallohc
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 7:04pm

Asalamu Alaikum

Thank you sisters for all of your replies.  The different views really do help me.

herjihad- Unfortunately, my MIL has forbidden my sisters in law from speaking to me, and they have obeyed her wish out of "respect" they say for their mother, although they know what she is doing is wrong.  My idea of talking to family members will have to come when we are all on speaking terms again, and inshAllah I know that will happen eventually.  If my husband and I remain married, it will have to happen.

Jenni and Ummziba- In my life, my own parents will always have priority over my inlaws.  I do want to have a relationship with my inlaws, and have always treated them with kindness and respect no matter what they say or do, but like I said I already have my own parents and they will always have to come before my inlaws in my eyes.  I can never give preference to my MIL over my own mother, but I can treat my MIL with kindness and respect.  My MIL didnt give birth to me nor raise me.

As for my relationship with my husbands family, there will be a long period of healing that is for sure.  I will not allow the rest of my life to go by without having a relationship with his family- I feel its extremely important for me to have a decent relationship with my husbands family and want them to be involved in our childrens lives- when we have children.  I also dont think it is acceptable for my MIL to pressure my husband to wait to have children with me because she doesnt trust American women, yet this is what has happened in the past.  But a child does not have to obey their parents when they tell them to do something unIslamic. 

When I do speak to my husbands family, I will definately discuss with them how I have felt as well as get their opinion of the whole thing, so we can clear up any misunderstandings.  I have tremendous patience, so for me to get to this point is a first for me.  But I am a 32 year old adult and will do my best to be diplomatic about the whole thing...its just the best thing to do.  When my MIL yells at me, I will remain calm as I have in the past, because its the right thing to do...no sense in making things worse.  So at this point my MIL and SIL are currently visiting my other SIL in the US for an indefinate period of time.  Although they are far away from us in another state, I do expect for them to come to see us where we are at some point.  So inshAllah we will have the opportunity to work things out face to face.  I do not want to punish my MIL, because that is not for me to worry about,  its for Allah and Allah alone. 

Salam



Posted By: ummziba
Date Posted: 28 September 2005 at 7:54pm

Assalamu alaikum,

It sounds like you have a good outlook on your problem, Sister 222.  Of course, your own parents take precedence, but I am glad you have managed to remain kind to the one who is causing you so many problems!  I do hope things are resolved soon.

Sister Jenni, I don't see anyone in this thread advocating that Muslim women should all be doormats!  No one here is saying that one should remain in harms way, if that is the case, only that one should try their best to be kind and respectful to all people.  No one here is saying that we should "just smile and take more c**p", that would be ludicrous.

What is being advocated is solving problems by diplomacy and through kindness.  Look to the example of our Prophet (pbuh) and you will see so many examples of treating others with kindness and respect, even when they treat you badly.  Not much gets solved with anger or disrespect.  What has how my in-laws might treat me in case of divorce got to do with treating them with kindness?

When push comes to shove, I would rather have hurt feelings while continuing to treat others with kindness, than to lash back and displease Allah.  This does not make me a "door mat" nor does it make me "repressed" - it makes me a Muslim striving to please my Creator.

Peace, ummziba.



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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~


Posted By: firewall
Date Posted: 29 September 2005 at 5:08am



Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 29 September 2005 at 7:56am
Firewall, that is all nice and good if you are treated nicely by your in laws. Many girls now do not want to live with inlaws when they get married now because of all the bad stories and problems that can arise and what about just plain old privacy. My mother in law has lived with me 3 times for about 6 months. And we had no problems. My husband told her in the beggining that mom, you can't boss her around and tell her to do stuff or offer her advice like you do me. He also told her that I am very smart and when our kids were born that I would want to do things my own way(like exclusively breastfeeding, when her generation thought babies allways needed a bottle too, and delaying solids to 6 months when she though it should be 3months)So when she had any opinion she respected me, stated it nicely and I would kindly tell her no, I will not do it that way because this way is better for me and the baby. My hsuband allways backed me up, because after all it is my and his baby and we should make the decisions. Plainly stated there was no room for disrespect between us and we loved and respected each other. I expected her to not go in our bedroom and to give us our privacy in the eveing(so we could watch tv and talk and hold hands) and I made sure she had privacy with her own bedroom and bathroom. So I know there are good in laws because I have one, however I know many women do not, and it is not said in the Quran anywhere that you should live with your in-laws and tolerate abuse from them. Some expended families work, but being married to a southasian I have heard way, way to many horrer stories from the women, who basically feel like mistreated children living with thier inlaws. So Sad for them and shame on thier husbands and thier families.

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.



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