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please help

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – New Muslims
Forum Discription: Groups – New Muslims
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=24051
Printed Date: 25 November 2014 at 9:33pm


Topic: please help
Posted By: newmuslimah2012
Subject: please help
Date Posted: 08 October 2012 at 5:49pm
ASSALAMU 'ALAIKUM- I am new to Islam, i recently converted after studying Islam for over two years. I have a boyfriend and we want to get married, but he has not told his parents about me. I am divorced with two children. he said that there is no way that they will ever accept it. it is very painful for both of us. please, if anyone has any advice... he said that he will do whatever it takes, but he would rather lie to them, and never tell them and marry me in secret. i told him that it will be more painful for them to think that he has never married at all and to not see their grandchildren, that it might take them awhile to accept it but in the long run they will be happier to know.



Replies:
Posted By: Abu Loren
Date Posted: 12 October 2012 at 11:04pm
Wa Alaikkum As'alaam

Do not marry a deceptive person. A muslim is to respect and be kind and merciful to his parents.

From what you say about him he sounds like a liar too. Sorry.


Posted By: hakeema
Date Posted: 13 October 2012 at 5:03am
As-Salaam Aliakum,

Why he don't want to tell his parents?

I am with Abu Loren on this. I wouldn't married him.

Hakeema


Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 13 October 2012 at 12:58pm
Can a thing begun in deception ever be blessed by God?
let alone by parents, whose blessing you should also want, and may need.  Don't let selfish impatience rob you of God's blessings.  Do as God would want you to do and accept His will in it.
To quote someone else:
"The right thing is rarely easy, and the easy thing is rarely right."


Posted By: newmuslimah2012
Date Posted: 13 October 2012 at 1:57pm
Jazzak for your advice. it is wise and received by me in gratitude for your attention.


Posted By: Idil
Date Posted: 24 October 2012 at 3:31pm
Asalamu Calykum sis,

Hope you are in good health and emaan. Glorified is Allah for having guided you to Islam and may ALLAH make the process easy for you. From what you have told us of this guy I would highly recommend you not to marry him, as you would be starting your marriage on the wrong note. Also please be sure to protect yourself against opportunist people, you never know what their real intentions are. I am sure you are good judge of character, however, sometimes  we get blindsided by love. If this man cannot even tell his parents that he is getting married and he wants to lie to them, he is up to no good sis. As your sister in Islam know that I care about you and sometimes I see Muslim men take advantage of our new Muslim sisters, so for this reason please be cautious. Hope all of our advice helps you in reaching a good decision. And again someone who lies is up to no good, whatever the case maybe. For some parents it is hard to accept the fact that their son`s might get married to someone who has children but believe eventually they will come around.


Posted By: Friendship
Date Posted: 02 November 2012 at 12:56pm
Assalamu alaiki newMuslimah2012.

After congratulating you, it is with pains that I am advising you. This is because most of the followers of Muhammad are ignorant about his teaching.
First of all, the advice of parents to a male is not a condition to his marrying the one he loves. Secondly telling lies to his parents in this circumstances is not a sin, for it is better he marries you then to go dating women and committing sin. Thirdly, you do not need parental consent to get married. So if he loves you and promises to look after you and help your two children just get married according to the Sunna. Suspicion is a sin in the teaching of Muhammad.

Friendship 


Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 04 November 2012 at 8:45pm
Assalamulaiakum wa rahmatullah dear sister,

Gave a bit of thought to your situation and the replies that follow.

I dont think this man is beginning his life on a lie if he chooses not to tell a few people he is getting married.
A foundation based on lies would be a scenario where he'd tell you something which he is not, or ask you do something which you should not to lure you in marrying him.

May I ask, is this brother from Asian culture?

In Asian cultures many, many parents think they should control their children's lives including the decision of who to marry. If this brother is simply trying to circumvent that control, and his only choice is to reveal the facts after you are married to him - it is because he is left with not many choices - my personal opinion.

However, since others have cautioned you against him, it would be worthwhile to find out about his character, manners etc from the mosque he visits, or through families/friends who know him from sometime.

If you are native and he is not, make sure he is not using you to win a permanent resident status or some other legal benefit.

Please do istekharah before making any decision.

May Allah be your Protector and Guide, Ameen.


-------------
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.


Posted By: newmuslimah2012
Date Posted: 05 November 2012 at 3:09am
I am grateful for all the responses. i definitely have many things to consider. In these past few weeks since my conversion, my life has changed so so much. i cant even begin to put into words how different my life is. i am not worried anymore about the situation, I know now that Allah is the one who is in control, and I have nothing to worry about at all. i trust that if it is meant to be it will and if not it is because Allah has something else planned for me. My boyfriend is moving towards telling his parents, it will take time. i have no plan to rush him. he is in Morocco, just accepted into the Université Ibn Tofail in Kenitra. he will finish his studies,InshaAllah. in this time Allah will open the doors as HE wills them to open. my boyfriend has shown me over and over that i can trust him also. there is a woman who was my very best friend who is dating my boyfriends cousin. she is also a evangelical christian woman and her boyfriend is a Muslim. when i converted she stopped speaking to me and tried to do many many things to separate me and my boyfriend. her situation is much much stranger then mine, she has been divorced 4 times and has two children both of whom are in jail. she is raising her two grandchildren and dating my boyfriends cousin who is 25 years old and she is 51.   the other thing is that my boyfriend would really prefer not to leave morocco at all. he wants to stay there and have me there with him. i will trust him as he has not given me reason not to. over and over he has shown his honesty even as this woman tries her best to interfere with lies. and trust me i investigated the things she said, i will not go into details here but they were blatant lies from her and her boyfriend. so again thank you all for all your responses. i am so grateful you all took time to respond. "dear Allah,when i lose hope please help me remember that your love is greater then my disappointment, and Your plans for my life are better then anything i could dream."


Posted By: semar
Date Posted: 05 November 2012 at 5:15pm
Assalamu alaikum (peace be upon you).
 
Alhamdulillah (Thank God), may God almighty bless and guide you always.


-------------
Salam/Peace,
Semar
The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full"
"1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 07 November 2012 at 11:21pm
Salam Alaikum Sis,

How long have you known him?
If you are planning on moving to Morocco after marriage, and your in-laws won't even know about you, will you be able to manage in a strange country without a support system? How will you cope? Consider practical aspects of your marriage before making any commitments. If he is not planning on telling his parents, how will he deal with them when they try to marry him off thinking he is single?

Of course it is possible that your boyfriend is a trustworthy person... but make sure you analyse your relationship very carefully.

I know a non-muslim girl who has been in a relationship with a muslim guy for the past 10 years! They were together when he was studying in her country. She trusts him a lot, but he had another 'muslim' girlfriend on the side because his parents would never accept a nonmuslim daughter-in-law. (I know because we were in the same univ). From this poor girl's perspective, she has no reason to think he is not serious. He even sends flowers to her from his home country. He says he will marry her, but its been 10 years and he is now back in his home country.... I feel this girl has wasted 10 years of her life on him... and still thinks he is the one. People can be two-faced and have split personalities.

Just be very careful with your decision. May Allah bless you and help you make the correct decision, whatever it is.


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"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: newmuslimah2012
Date Posted: 08 November 2012 at 4:21am
he has changed his mind! i ma so excited. he told them. they were not nearly a upset as he assumed they would be. they are still adjusting but it is going to be ok. thank you all for your wonderful advice.


Posted By: samirfaithful
Date Posted: 29 November 2012 at 6:05am
assalam aleikoum brothers and sisters,Smile

i agree with u sister NausheenSmile

Please do istekharah before making any decision.

May Allah be your Protector and Guide, Ameen. Smile



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