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seeking advice for my married life.....

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=23966
Printed Date: 30 August 2014 at 9:43pm


Topic: seeking advice for my married life.....
Posted By: A ladybird
Subject: seeking advice for my married life.....
Date Posted: 27 September 2012 at 6:19am
Asalam e likum Everyone;
 
I hope all of you will be doing great Insha-Allah Smile.
 
I so much want Islamic counseling and advice to make my marital life happy and contented.... I really dun knw where to start from.....
 
Well..... I am an educated and professional lady in my early 30s. few months back i had my Nikah. My husband lives in Australia (citizen) since the last 10 years while im living in Pakistan. Soon after our Nikah, my husband went back. the documents are in the process and as soon as i get my visa, he will come back and the formal wedding (ruskhsati) will be arranged and i will leave with him.
 
The thing im worried about is..... my husband is not at all romantic.... rather super practical man..... he is in his late 30s. its been eight months to our Nikah and he has never ever said me that he miss me or waiting for me to join him soon...... rather he is very formal when ever we talk.... as per the information (authentic) my family gathered about him before our Nikah was done, he is a hard working man and apart from his job hours, we usually just see few firends. he do not attend parties, and is a home lover kind of person. Also he do not have any girl friend....
 
I understand and except that we are in our mature age, but it does not mean that we should not have any feelings..... where, a husband-wife realtionship is a beautiful, delicate and a romantic relationship.... He is friendly, also shares laughters sometimes..... but jus like a firend...... if we were only engaged, i could have thought that is being careful, which is really good, but im his wife..... and he never shared any good thoughts.... i have heard dozen's of friends/cuzins where couples plan for their future, build understanding.....
 
can anyone help me? is it normal? he also never send me a gift, or even a greeting card to make me feel good. once when i asked him in general about this, he jus said, oh im sorry, keep the record for future when u join me.... once i said i was missing him, he said... very good, but when i asked him, do u miss me.... he replied .... im not at all romantic so i dun knw how to say such things....... Angry that freaked me out...... though i didnt show him anything but i got so much tense.... how can a husband say this to his wife????
 
i dun feel it a normal thing.... much worried about my marital life.... any guidence?????
 
thanks in advance friends....
wasalam



Replies:
Posted By: nothing
Date Posted: 12 October 2012 at 7:17pm
I am not expert here but what is the alternative? Most of us muslim men are actually dull (I mean really) when it came to romance, but amazingly we have very low divorce rate. Can you imagine if your husband is the taliban style man, what romantic move you will get? We have been brain washed to treat wife with firmness in many societies for a reason that we don't know. My father told me a story about Prophet Ibrohim visiting his son Ismail. When he get there Ismail was not there, but his wife was the one that greets him. On his parting he left a message to him through his wife to replace the door frame or door structure (or whatever that was), which was actually a code word for his son to divorce her. I mean what on earth can we get from this kind of story. But this is the kind that shaped us today after being hammered with one nonsense after the other. It shocked me in the end of the day when I found out from reading around that Muhammad was kind to his wives, where even in one story he race against Aisha to test who run faster.

But aside from that, maybe you the one should do it for no reward, until one day it will leave marking in him that you are not replaceable. What do you think, does it make sense to you?

Anyway all the best.
Salaam.


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 25 October 2012 at 8:43am
Salam Alaikum Sister,

Don't freak out. There can be a lot of reasons for his formal behaviour.

You said you haven't yet had your rukhsati? Perhaps he is shy and formal around you because you guys haven't really spent time together as a couple, and so he doesn't feel intimate yet and doesn't know how to conduct himself. Men can be clueless you know! On top of that he has not really mingled with women (which is a good thing), so he may actually be clueless that women need verbal vows of love, affection and displays.

Cultural aspects: He is in his late 30s and Pakistani, he might feel like he has to put on a tough manly show. Many men feel like showing affection or feelings means they are being mushy or weak.

He might just be one of those people who are very reserved and do not express feelings. Maybe he doesn't have those 'lovey-dovey' feelings yet, because you guys have not really had a chance to be romantic or intimate.

You could gently and very subtly hint how you want him to communicate. You can text him 'poetry' verses, love quotes or romantic quotes. Don't be too forward, pick quotes that are subtle with a hint of romanticism. (I feel women shouldn't throw themselves at men :p.) Try build a communication pattern before expecting him to say he misses you. Give him things to miss! If you guys have a formal relationship, then build it by talking about work, plans, your daily routine. Keep things light and fun. Make him want to talk to you and text you because you are so fun and nice to talk to. Romance part will follow inshAllah.

If its appropriate, send him articles and stuff about relationships. If you don't have that relationship yet, then start by emailing each other random interesting news clips.

If you still feel left-out, there is nothing wrong with letting him know how you feel. ''I feel a little ignored,
'I wish you would... etc


-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 25 October 2012 at 8:47am
Also, don't let people paint a romantic picture that you feel your husband should measure up to. Don't let friends or cousins bring you down by things like: oh does he send you flowers? why doesn't he say he miss you etc etc. Friends can blow things out of proportion and often I feel that women are trying to show others how much their husband loves them. Make sure it is YOU who feel that way, and that others are not making you feel this way.


-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 27 October 2012 at 9:55am
Dont ignore the red flags, no matter how subtle they seem to be.
 
Marriages are about being happy, sharing and feeling comfortable. This should happen in a marriage.
 
I dont understand why a guy would not want to talk to his wife in a manner that she feels 'special' .
Does he call you frequently? What gestures he uses to reflect his love and care towards you? Not everyone would say 'i love you' and 'i miss u' as an expression of love, but the expression should be there in whatever his style is.
 
Smile perhaps a taliban guy's expression of love can be read by a taliban girl without too many efforts Smile
 
btw, regarding that story, the wife of sayyidina Ismael was found to be ungrateful of the blessing of Allah. Whed Sayyidina Ibrahim asked her how things were, she reflected a complaining attitude. Thus the response from the father.
Later when he visited again, he found a different wife, she showed a temperament of shukr(thankfulness) and tawakkul (reliance on Allah) and sayyidina Ibrahim told her to tell her husband that his door frame was good, and that he should keep it.
 
I would highly agree with Chrysalis in that you should go along your own feelings rather than rely on others evaluation of your situation.
 
 


-------------
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 28 October 2012 at 9:42am
Originally posted by Nausheen



Dont ignore the red flags, no matter how subtle they seem to be.


I agree completely with Nausheen. Don't ignore any 'red flags'.

Just to clarify, I was trying to offer reasons to his behaviour, since I feel sometimes we (women) can hype ourselves into taking some things a bit too seriously. I was basically saying, take a step back and analyse the situation without getting emotional. You want to make sure that you tried all avenues and looked at all angles before going to an emotional emergency mode and freaking out. Know what I mean?

But if (after your efforts) you still feel he is cold, and distant and is not showing any interest in you despite your attempts at communication, or disregarding your emotional needs - then yes, it is a red flag!

May Allah grant you the married life you want. Ameen.






-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: Empiricist
Date Posted: 16 June 2013 at 5:40am
As a Christian man, I have valued the phrase in the bible,  Women respect your husband, men love your wife.  The point of this is men do not so want to be loved but respected.  Women want to be loved.  If you respect your husband he will be inclined to give you love.  I have noticed this often when women show respect to me.  But when women (my wife) criticizes me, complains to me, questions my decisions, tries to control me, it really causes hard feelings.  But other women show me respect and I find myself feeling very warm to them. 


Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 27 June 2013 at 1:00am
Empiricist,

Thank you for sharing your comments. Time and again we learn from people outside our faith.





-------------
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.



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