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Marital woes - In a dilemma

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – Men (Brothers)
Forum Discription: Groups – Men (Brothers)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=23870
Printed Date: 01 October 2014 at 1:17pm


Topic: Marital woes - In a dilemma
Posted By: Al-Raheem
Subject: Marital woes - In a dilemma
Date Posted: 14 September 2012 at 10:28am
Assalamualaikum,

I seek advice from my Muslim brothers in this forum for a dilemma I am in right now. I am married, have gone through a simple solemnization at a mosque and held a simple walimah for family members and relatives as well as those present. That was in Dec 2011. Initially both me and my wife was pressured by our parents to hold a grand reception on Dec 2012. However, after discussing with my wife, we decided not to hold the wedding reception. My wife's family agreed to our decision however my parents do not agree and wants to hold the reception as planned.

My wife and my mother in law told me if my mother were to go ahead with the wedding reception, they will not be attending. I tried talking to my parents but to no avail. Subhanallah.

What should I do? I am trying to be a good husband as well as a filial son for both my mother and my mother in law. The reason for me not wanting to hold a wedding reception is because I find it wasteful. I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

Wedding of Fatimah (RA) youngest daughter of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) - http://www.islamicsites.com/fatima_wedding.asp




Replies:
Posted By: nothing
Date Posted: 14 September 2012 at 9:35pm
Originally posted by Al-Raheem

I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

I can't agree more with you. To me it is just weird to have wedding party one year later, its a waste. Try to ask them what is the gain by having late lavish ceremony? I suspect its probably involved an "honor" or a "good name", or kind of it.

Hopefully you get the best outcome.

Salaam.





Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 14 September 2012 at 9:46pm

Wasteful or not, you and your wife agreed to a grand reception, and better for you to keep your word.  I assume your parents have many friends and family who were unable to attend the simple walimah, and likely they've been promised an invitation to the grand reception.  Is your wife's family expected to share the expense for the event?  Perhaps if you take an active role in planning you may be able to cut costs, and save your parents a few thousand dollars.  Let them have their enjoyment, after all you promised.  They are the last people on earth you want to disappoint in my opinion.  By the way, how much time elapsed prior to changing your mind?



Posted By: Al-Raheem
Date Posted: 14 September 2012 at 11:45pm
Originally posted by nothing


Originally posted by Al-Raheem

I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?
I can't agree more with you. To me it is just weird to have wedding party one year later, its a waste. Try to ask them what is the gain by having late lavish ceremony? I suspect its probably involved an "honor" or a "good name", or kind of it. Hopefully you get the best outcome.Salaam.


Yeah well as they put it to let people know we are married, those who did not attend or was not present at the walimah.


Posted By: Al-Raheem
Date Posted: 14 September 2012 at 11:51pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

Wasteful or not, you and your wife agreed to a grand reception, and better for you to keep your word.  I assume your parents have many friends and family who were unable to attend the simple walimah, and likely they've been promised an invitation to the grand reception.  Is your wife's family expected to share the expense for the event?  Perhaps if you take an active role in planning you may be able to cut costs, and save your parents a few thousand dollars.  Let them have their enjoyment, after all you promised.  They are the last people on earth you want to disappoint in my opinion.  By the way, how much time elapsed prior to changing your mind?



Well actually S$20000 is already me cutting the costs. My wife's family do not need o fork out a single cent. It's just that from our engagement to our nikah and now to our reception my mother wants to take control of everything and that's what my wife do not agree. And my wife don't want to have the reception as it will cause conflict between MY father and mother. As my father will provide the money and my mother wants to make the whole reception as grand as possible. That's where the conflict starts.


Posted By: Al-Raheem
Date Posted: 15 September 2012 at 12:25am
Just FYI,my brother (the eldest, I'm the 2nd child) got married in 2010. My father foot the bill for our side of the wedding.It costs way more than what they are planning for me right now. From the moment they planned my brother's wedding till today my brother has a son, they have been quarreling and arguing about money. Subhanallah. This is the real reason why both me and my wife do not want to hold the reception.


Posted By: hakeema
Date Posted: 19 October 2012 at 4:35am
Originally posted by Al-Raheem

Assalamualaikum,

I seek advice from my Muslim brothers in this forum for a dilemma I am in right now. I am married, have gone through a simple solemnization at a mosque and held a simple walimah for family members and relatives as well as those present. That was in Dec 2011. Initially both me and my wife was pressured by our parents to hold a grand reception on Dec 2012. However, after discussing with my wife, we decided not to hold the wedding reception. My wife's family agreed to our decision however my parents do not agree and wants to hold the reception as planned.

My wife and my mother in law told me if my mother were to go ahead with the wedding reception, they will not be attending. I tried talking to my parents but to no avail. Subhanallah.

What should I do? I am trying to be a good husband as well as a filial son for both my mother and my mother in law. The reason for me not wanting to hold a wedding reception is because I find it wasteful. I rather my parents donate the S$20,000 to an orphanage rather than spending it on my wedding reception. Any brothers care to advise?

Wedding of Fatimah (RA) youngest daughter of Prophet Muhammad (SAW) - http://www.islamicsites.com/fatima_wedding.asp




As-Salaam Alaikum,

I am sorry for my late response.

This is a good example of why you shouldn't allow no one including your PARENTS to run your life. Learn how to say NO when you really don't want to do things. You should've told them NO. I suspect in your heart you really didn't want them to do it. But, noooooo you wanted to make them happy. Now you are stuck with this silly situtation that didn't have to happen if you just would've said the term NO. You practice now, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. You should've told your parents to save that $20,000 for the grandchildren they gonna spoil.

Hakeema


Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 19 October 2012 at 2:53pm
I'm not a brother... I'm not even Muslim... but I hope my answer will still be welcome.

I think Abuayisha makes sense here.
And if having the grand reception causes quarreling between your parents... it is between them... their problem to solve, not yours.  I understand your concern.  I am the same way, trying to look out for others, but if your parents(or mother anyway) want to do this, just let them do it.  It is for your father to resolve with your mother if he disagrees.  I'm assuming... Singapore... given the culture this is probably difficult?  I wonder too if part of the objection of your wife doesn't have somewhat to do with a control issue?  You know... wife and mother-in-law?  Do they get along well?
Wishing you the best.  I say, just go with it and enjoy the celebration.  Hey it's a first anniversary after all... that's something to celebrate.  Smile


Posted By: Ron Webb
Date Posted: 19 October 2012 at 5:49pm

Al-Raheem, may I offer a suggestion?  Ask your wife and her parents how much they would pay to have peace, friendship and a harmonious relationship with the rest of your family.  Would it be worth $20,000?  Especially if wasn't even their money?

I agree, it's a terrible waste; but after all, you did promise, and I think your parents are being very generous by not expecting your in-laws to contribute a dime towards it.  (Or perhaps they wouldn't be expected to pay anyway.  I'm not sure how it works in your culture.)

Your parents want to have a party in your honour.  They're proud of you and they want to show you off to their friends.  It's a lavish compliment -- far too lavish, in fact, but try to accept it in the spirit in which it is offered.



-------------
Addeenul ‘Aql – Religion is intellect.


Posted By: Al-Raheem
Date Posted: 21 October 2012 at 9:17am
Thank you all for your valuable responses. Alhamdulillah the matter has been resolved amicably.


Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 23 October 2012 at 7:24pm
Very happy to hear.  Smile


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 24 October 2012 at 7:46am
Great, resolved amicably.  Gosh, can you be just a little more specific?  C'mon man, don't just leave us hanging here....what happened?Smile



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