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Should I be the 2nd wife??

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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
Printed Date: 23 June 2018 at 8:22pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 8.04 -

Topic: Should I be the 2nd wife??
Posted By: laylak
Subject: Should I be the 2nd wife??
Date Posted: 23 April 2012 at 8:03pm
My name is layla and i am 24 years old and i would like to have a help from the sisters to me...
I am converted to islam since i was 16 years old and so far tried to live a normal muslim life..
Last year i got a job in a cruise ship company where i met a muslim man and we both fell in love for each other...He was already married and his wife was about to delilver his baby soon and he used to tell me a lot of things like ah i am going to try to divorce her and we get married and bla bla, at 1st i didnt bilieve but them i started to see his feelings and everything and then bilieved.. well before both of us leave the ship for vacation he told me i am sorry i cant leave her because shes only 21 and if i get divorced from her she will end up marrying an old guy besides she has my baby i cant let my baby suffer( at this point the baby was born) and then he said i could be his second wife and he was sure she would agree with that but i am so confused.. i know in our religion men can have 4 wives if he treat all of them equally but i never though about my husband having a second wife or being the second wife as i belong from western country...I know he loves me and I also love him and at the same time i think to agree with it i feel sscared to not bear the situation..he told me we would live in separeted houses and for sure i font want to see her ever but if one day i see i know i wouldnt treat her bad..I dont know what to do i just wanted a muslim sister who is second wife or who understand it better to give me some advice... thank you

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 25 April 2012 at 7:06pm
Originally posted by laylak

.....I dont know what to do
I think a good starting point for making a decision is to consider how you would feel if pregnant, and your husband leaves for work, only to "fall in love" with another woman, you have just had a baby, and happy to begin a family, only to have your husband come home and tell you, "I am taking a second wife".  How would this make you feel? Is this something you would want for yourself? How can you even respect a man like that? Shame on both of you.  It is little wonder that you are confused, because you know in your heart this is not right.  Why destroy his family?  Men, unfortunately, often times must be saved from their own fickleness, and especially during the time their wife is pregnant.  Help him to do the right thing, if you really care for him, and find your own husband.  He is already taken.

Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 28 April 2012 at 7:16am
Smile  good job Abuayisha......   there are so many questions that I have for this sister, but I really think that she already knows the answer.  She should make isteqara as well.  I say this because of many reasons but Allah will revealed to you solutions and things that you can not imagine.  And HE(SWT) can place in your heart a solid image of many things of what could and may not happen, which ultimately will guide you on making the right decision for everyone involved in this. 

Posted By: laylak
Date Posted: 28 April 2012 at 3:05pm
well of course i would fe el bad if i were in her place but i think i would acept it after all...she al ready know about me and his brother aond his mother said there wou ld be no problem in that...the only reasdon i gone to work on the ship was  due to many problems i have in my family including the fact of being the o nly muslim and only woman of an italian tradictional parents ar e divorced since i was 7 years old and i live with my father is a lways with many diferents women and  i always betraying them and  making them fool and never care much (i dont desrurb i barely see him and i got a job i dont need his money), and yesterday i was very sick while he was with his girlfriend at her home and didnt care about anything...i cant stay with my mom coz she lilves in other place where the chances of getting a job are very less and i cant give her hard time...i fell for him coz he used to care about me and understand me and i think if i cant be with him i will have to move to ship again i cant be here like this being depressed and crying all night...
sister lady i already did isteqara and then i dreamed about him and woke up with his call i was just confused if it is right i dont know i dont have anyone whom i can share my thoughts

Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 29 April 2012 at 1:48pm
Assalaamoalaikum laylak, You know what you should do.  First of all, why are you making a decision to marry this guy based on your living conditions.  So many of these kinds of stories that are posted here reminds me how easy it is to be given good advice, but we ultimately  will do what we want to do regardless of the advice given.  I am guilty of this sometimes as well.  Anyway, isteqara may not be revealed immediately, it can come months later.  I really think that you should think with your head and not your heart about your situation..  My advice for you is to not talk to this guy for a while, until you can see your situation clearly.  I hope that you did not have any illegal relationships with him, and if you did then stop it now.  I really think that you should give yourself time away from him so that your mind will be clear about him.  I would say a month or more. And use this time to be active in the islamic community and befriend more sisters there as well.  Go to the imam, and tell him about this guy.  Make sure that you can attend the mosque he goes too, and ask the imam there about him. And of course, question the sisters there as well.  I have read your post several times and I am still finding it hard to see anything peaceful about it.  Good luck because you are going to need it.
Also sister, when a guy really loves a woman, he will wait for her if she needs TIME alone from him......
Sister, I will try to remember to make dua for you to make the right decision for youself and his family. 
Assalaamoalaikum wrwb.

Posted By: laylak
Date Posted: 29 April 2012 at 2:00pm
well thx for the advices and ill surely think about it...i cant talk to his iman coz we r in diferent countries and i didnt have any illegal relationship with him while we worked in the same place we just used to talk and make plans for the future..i am trying to get hide from him but hes always sending me msgs..anyways ALLAH will help me to take him out of my heart inshALLAH
thx once more

Posted By: seekshidayath
Date Posted: 03 May 2012 at 11:19am
As Salamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah

Bro. AbuAyisha one of your best posts in this thread, JazakAllah khayr.

And to the sis [ laylak ] was sorry to learn about your parents. Since you were deprived of love and care from your parents, you got attracted to care of that person. I don't think he is the right person for you.

Thanks that you decided to leave him. Am sure, insha Allah, though its going to be tough, but Allah swt shall make it easy for you. Yes, he will be texting you lots of messages, shall even try to meet you. Make it clear to him, that he be off your way now.

Insha Allah , sister, Allah swt shal surely bless you with a right person in your life. Say thanks to Allah swt that you were stopped.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: ďAll the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."

Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 6:13pm
Salam Alaikum Sister

In Islam, as Muslims we are advised to choose for our fellow brothers and sisters what we would choose for ourselves...

My advise (putting myself in your shoes) DON'T MARRY THIS MAN. If I were in your place, I would NOT marry him - and I would distance myself from him.

I think he is using you... he is from a different country, there is NO way for you to do a background check and see if he is truthful about his circumstances. He is not behaving like a very good muslim, and that means he will NOT make a good husband. He seems like the type who will leave you after he gets bored and finds someone else.

You deserve better sister! Contact your local Masjid or meet local Muslims to find yourself a suitable spouse inshAllah. Try this website: -

They have over 314 success stories. InshAllah may you find a good suitable husband.

JUST DONT MARRY HIM. I don't even think you need istikharah, it is THAT clear a decision. Istikhara is only when we are considering valid options. Before istikhara we are supposed to use and brain/intellect and seek advise.

"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

Posted By: sabir
Date Posted: 06 May 2012 at 11:27am
Assalamu alykum,
I think there is a lot of good advice on this matter of yours, from members with fair judgements and good intentions. Especially about seeking individual, one to one counselling/advice on relationship matters with local Masjid and Imam. And doing your research about the person in particular I believe is paramount in making the right decision.
However I find some member's advice a little too pressing and conclusive. I'm not saying I agree or disagree with their understanding of the matter. But what I am suggesting is that discussing another individual's personal matter on a forum and making conclusions so quickly and abrubtly is not, in my opinion, the correct form of advising someone. I mean this is a matter that may impact greatly on someone's life, so there should be more serious steps in place to ensure the best possible outcome. This means being very careful when giving advice to someone.
It is clear that none of us who are giving the advice can see you through any difficulties or emotional challenges you may face as a result of the decisions you make from the advice. Again I remind you that I'm not suggesting whether you should carry on with the relationship or break it, simply because I feel unqualified to determine the best option for you by advicing you through an internet forum. I strongly believe you should seek professional advice, through an Imam or scholar; someone who can be an intermediary between you and the man proposing to marry you. A professional who can assist you in seeking out all your options in this matter and if the best conclusion is not to go into this relationship then they should be able to direct you towards the support and aftercare you need afterwards.
I really don't know how helpful I am being here because I'm not very used to forum writing. All I'm suggesting is seek some proper advice from someone more experienced and qualified in this matter as well as using the forum.  
P.S. I seek not any upsetness from fellow members. Just expressing my concerns in this regard. Thank you.

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 07 May 2012 at 7:14am
Sabir, wa alaikum salaam, and welcome!  Please be less worried about "upsetness" and concentrate more on clarity.  What is your concept of "professional advice"?  I think a slippery slope exists when suggesting that one can acquire "professional advice" from an Imam or scholar.  I know well known scholars who advise 'the best of men are those who have the most wives', as well as Imams who are in agreement.  They will tell a woman it is her religious duty to allow her husband to take on additional wives as if it were a religious obligation.  Professional and qualified are simply not synonymous with "Imam" and especially in the West.  Lastly, I think often it is equally problematic, with respect to emotional difficulties, when we do not give sound and clear advice when asked. At the end of the day people will do as they like anyway.  We are only giving an opinion and not a religious fatwa. Please continue to express your concerns this makes our forum enjoyable.

Posted By: HalaHala2012
Date Posted: 27 May 2012 at 10:47pm

Posted By: HalaHala2012
Date Posted: 27 May 2012 at 10:49pm
Originally posted by laylak

well thx for the advices and ill surely think about it...i cant talk to his iman coz we r in diferent countries and i didnt have any illegal relationship with him while we worked in the same place we just used to talk and make plans for the future..i am trying to get hide from him but hes always sending me msgs..anyways ALLAH will help me to take him out of my heart inshALLAH
thx once more
Always sending you messages? Delete your email or block him.

Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 29 May 2012 at 4:05pm
If only I had read your comment before I married my husband more than 8 yrs ago. It's been stress,stress,stress since we got married..and now,I am too old and too tired to change anything.Cry

Salam Alaikum Sister!

May Allah ease your circumstances. Never despair from Allah's mercy and blessings. Make dua to Him to improve your situation.

Even if you feel you don't have the energy to change anything, try and regain happiness within your current circumstances. I hope you have family and friends around you who can help. Do things that make you happy and reduce stress. May Allah bless you...

"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

Posted By: laylak
Date Posted: 29 May 2012 at 6:48pm
i stoped all contacts with him so far it's not been easy to me but i am doing well...sometimes he sms in my phone but i do not reply..he tried to contact our mutual friend who lives in same country and city asking about me but i told her to tell him that i was back to ship working and that she didnt know the name of the ship i was working..thats it for while i am trying to focus in my study and my work and inshALLAH everything will be fine...

If only I had read your comment before I married my husband more than 8 yrs ago. It's been stress,stress,stress since we got married..and now,I am too old and too tired to change anything.

I am sorry for u sis May Allah help u ...

Posted By: HalaHala2012
Date Posted: 29 May 2012 at 8:22pm

Posted By: HalaHala2012
Date Posted: 04 June 2012 at 8:02pm

Posted By: HalaHala2012
Date Posted: 05 June 2012 at 8:08pm
Excellent advice. Thumbs%20Up

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