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A plea for help, from a very hurt son....

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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
Printed Date: 11 December 2017 at 7:09am

Topic: A plea for help, from a very hurt son....
Posted By: As-Salam Alaiku
Subject: A plea for help, from a very hurt son....
Date Posted: 21 April 2012 at 12:10am
As-Salam Alaiku dear brothers and sisters, please I direly need your help and knowledge... I know it is a long passage but please, I am in need of your advice.

I am a 19 year old Bangli Muslim male in my first year of university in Canada, and I am in love with a very pious(and beautiful to my heart) Pakistani Muslim girl. We were friends the moment we meet each other in the beginning of high school as we grew, we grew very fond of each other, to a level now that we can say we emotionally pain when we don't have contact with each other for long. I hope it is safe to say we love each other. And we would like to marry <3

To rest any doubts brothers and sisters you may have by this picture, rest assured we are both were pious and respect our position and religion with all our hearts. We don't touch (except for hugs on graduation, etc. We attended normal western schools), and we never try to be alone. She always wears a hijab and dresses and carrys herself piously. We are both just simple, down to earth, all around very well mannered people. Heck, we text each other reminders to pray on time :) that's the kind of love we have for each other and the religion. I hope that may clarify any nose scrunches, and you may better understand me my beloved brothers and sisters.

So I knew I wanted to marry her, with all my heart. So I planned on telling my parents (is this not the correct first step?), I imagined it working like this:
"Mother, Father, there is a very nice, sweet, pious Muslim girl that I love and loves me, and I would like to marry her, and with your help, ask her father for her hand."
And my parents would be interested and happy for me.
That's what I expected... Sigh but there is such a big difference in mindset when there are parents raised in the country side of rural Bangladesh, to a son raised in the Western world it seems, but if that's the way the eastern world thinks, I don't want any part of it.. Let me explain what happened.

I knew I had to tell my parent, so I approached my mother first. She is more approachable than my father. I tell her about my want to marry the girl I am fond of. She was a bit thrown back and she thought I did something terrible, by preferring a girl to marry?.. I didn't understand this. After months of talking to my mother, I slowly made her see that Im not asking for anything evil! and that Im not a child anymore Im going to turn 20 in a handful of months, and that all of us should talk together about these kind of things and its a beautiful and exciting thing. My mom now understand where I stand, and she says she doesn't mind the idea, my mother even met her, she really likes her as well. But she told me "even if I would like you to two to marry, you can't and I can't say or do anything unless your father does, whatever he says about this matter, is also what I say". I expected this... The father is the head of house.

Today was the day I asked my father, today is the day I was really hurt by him. Because when I told him, he flated and fully declined. Why you may ask? Because "she is not of our culture" and because "she is Pakistani". Those were the reasons why... And hearing them from my father hurt me, because I believe this is down right unjust to think like that, to throw away my pleas and want for happiness over a views like that! It clearly racist thinking, and I was hurt that my own father is rejecting this wonderful girl I will be happy with, and will do anything for him and my mother, to take care of them fully, because they are MY parents, that's the kind of girl she is.. I explained to my father, "Dad that's not a good way to think, you shouldn't be looking at nationality, you should be seeing if she is a good Muslim, if she can take care of me, if she will always treat you and mother well. And she will!". But he wouldn't have it...

This is where I need your help, please I sincerely do.
I believe that all these borders and line and different name of countries on the face of the earth is all man made things, out of islam. That it shouldn't matter where she is from, as long as she is a pious muslim, right? I need your help brothers and sisters.. opinions.. advices.. Correcting if need be. Is what I believe to be right, actually Islamic right? That I shouldn't be held back from marrying a pious pure heart muslim women that I will always strive to make happy, and she will make me happy, and both stronger muslims. Please help me.. I am very very hurt but my father's view, even alittle ashamed and I know how much loving your parents means in islam, and I do... But I don't want to accept this.. Or lose her..

Please, if you can find support and evidence, from the Nobel Qur'an and Hadith brothers and sisters, that the way my father is reasoning is wrong. I will, with respect, keep approaching my father to persuade him from this mentality, and hopefully, Inshallah, let him understand that he should be concerned about my happiness and choice in this, and to see her as the religious, faithful, loving, caring, respectful woman that she is, and not because she is not of our culture.

That's all I ask.. Guidance... And if you believe it is actually me that is thinking and going forth wrongly, please with all means let me know, that will help forever more.. <3 Thank you for your time brothers and sisters.. I need your help, WE need your help. Thank you

Allah is great. Allah knows best. All praise is for Allah. 

Posted By: seekshidayath
Date Posted: 03 May 2012 at 11:23am
As Salamu Alaikum

Why don't you try to seek help of your father#s friend or any relative, who can help you in this regard.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."

Posted By: As-Salam Alaiku
Date Posted: 03 May 2012 at 11:58am
Walaikum Salam! Thank you so so much respectable sister =) I was about to lose hope of every finding guidance within this forum. Thank you for cheering up my mood day ma'am, and giving up your time to help me.

I actually have considered this idea greatly, I was planning on telling my grandparents, but that can go really well or really bad, I don't know if they have the same thinking.. But I'm considering it I am their grandson =)

But I really wanted to know if I have any religious backing. Any proof from Islam that I can ask him to set aside or get rid of that kind of thinking, because even if he may not listen to his son, there's no way he won't listen to Allah Ta'la  and the Prophet (peace be upon him).

Thank you, and humble honored if more help comes my way.


Posted By: seekshidayath
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 12:34pm
As Salamu Alaikum

Grandparents ! Yes that would be great idea. Explain them very well how pious she is and about your relationship. Insha Allah, am sure they shall help you.

About religious backing ---- there's no where in Quran or sunnah that one shud not marry the one beyond culture.

Infact one of the wives of Prophet, Ummahatul momineen, Juwayriyah RA, was of a different tribe. What about Saffiyah RA ? Even she was a wife of Prophet from different tribe. Mariyah Qibtiyah was from Egypt.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 2:53pm

Well, I think your dad is considering more aspects of a marriage than you liking the girl.  He knows that her family and your family will likely have to interact for years to come, and cultural differences may indeed become problematic jeopardizing the success of your marriage.  Often these issues are not given the critical objectivity necessary because the couple are smitten by each other's presence.  Parents will often refuse on basis of education and social status as well.  For example, although it's great that a rich girl would like to marry a poor man, certainly such marriages can be fraught with unforeseen pitfalls.  If you insist upon taking this girl - can you be sure that once the "honeymoon" period is over, and she has to endure a frosty - less than welcoming attitude with your family, you and her will be able to overcome such difficulties?  And what if your children are not treated well?  It is my personal feeling that couples should have as many commonalities as possible for a higher likelihood of marital success, and that indeed includes cultural.  If you force this marriage know that you will have to live with its results.  Your choice, a difficult one, and I wish you all the best.    

Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 04 May 2012 at 5:52pm
Salam Alaikum Brother,

Difficult situation indeed. There is nothing in Islam that prevents a marriage based on cultural differences. The most important thing is the level of piety (which btw you cannot tell unless you've known the person for long. A lot of seemingly "pious" people are very different in their personal lives)

Here is a copy-paste from a website I came across:

With regard to the question about the Islamic legal position on cases when the parents’ decision to oppose a marriage is based purely on racial, cultural, or tribal grounds and prejudice, such an opposition is baseless and invalid under Islamic law as we can clearly see in the following authenticated Hadith and sabab al-nuzul (reason/occasion of revelation):

It was reported by Qatada, Mujahid, and Ibn Abbas (May Allah be pleased with them) that the Messenger of Allah sent a marriage proposal on behalf of his former slave Zayd Ibn al-Haritha to Zaynab bint Jahsh (who was related to the Prophet). Zaynab’s brother refused to give her away in marriage on the grounds that Zayd was a freed slave whereas his sister Zaynab was an aristocratic white-skinned Arab woman of noble lineage. The Prophet then said: “You should marry him because he is a good man and I am pleased with him.”

It reported to us by Qutayba, who said it was reported him by Abdul Hamid Ibn Sulayman, who reports from Ibn ‘Ajlan, who reports from Ibn Wathima al-Nasri, who reports from Abu Hurayra that he said: The messenger of Allah said: “If a marriage proposal is  made to you by a person whose character and din please you then you should accept the proposal and get them married. If you do not do so there will be fitna and corruption on earth!” In another narration is has been reported by ‘Aisha. (See Jami‘ al-Tirmidhi, Kitab al-Nikah - The Book of marriage. Hadith number: 1084).

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Having said that, while Islamically there are no hurdles in your marriage... practically things are not as easy as you think.

First of all, is it worth ruining your relationship with your father? If you have a good relationship and are close, and plan on having a close relation-ship after marriage - its not worth destroying your relationship. I mean, 20 years with your parents surely trumps a few years with this young lady? EVEN if they are wrong...

If you can somehow convince your father, then it could work. However make sure you can prove to him that you will be a dedicated loving son, who will honor his father's decision, but you wish he would concede because this would really make you happy. Good luck, because many Bengalis dislike Pakistanis after the 1975 war. Even if they didn't the culture is very different.

The culture part - as far as I know there are many differences in Pakistani and Bangladeshi cultures, I hope you don't find my comments stereotypical or anything - but from what I have heard, In Bangladeshi households expectations from a daughter-in-law can be very different from a Pakistani one. (As in, they are expected to be slightly more subservient etc). If that is true, then it could really effect the quality of your Pakistani wife's life.

Food, Language, Life-style habits... they can make or break a marriage. ESPECIALLY In-Laws! You may not have to deal with the in-laws as much as your wife! And it is VERY important to have in-laws that like you (as a daughter-in-law) and approve of you. I recently got married, and I can vouch that marrying into a family with a similar culture, and approving in-laws can really help. When the husband is away 6-8 hours a day, and the wife has to deal with in-laws - having a good relationship helps.

I hope that everything works out for the best for both of you inshaÁllah. Know that Allah has destined a spouse for the both of you - and if Allah Wills it - nothing can prevent your marriage to this young lady (even your parents). And if Allah Has not Planned for you to marry this girl, then nothing you do can change that. Best be prepared for either scenario. Think wisely, make Salaah Istikhara (Prayer for making decisions) and leave the rest to Allah and both your parents.

If the girls parents agree, maybe they could talk to your parents and reason?

"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."

Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 05 May 2012 at 5:24am
Assalaamoalaikum brother.  I really believe that we should listen to our parents' advise.  If they are giving you advice that is unislamic then you should not listen to that advice. 
If you are muslim then your culture should be islam.....
I really hope that everything works out for the both of you, and for both families.  If you think that there is resistance from your family, then wait until you hear from her family.  Alot of pakistanis practice culture more than islam. 
I agree with your thinking about your situation.  I hope that Allah will bless the both of you to have a happy marriage....

Posted By: As-Salam Alaiku
Date Posted: 05 May 2012 at 3:40pm
Wow, thank you so much, gracious brothers and sisters. I am so grateful for the turn out of guidance and knowledge, to have taken the time to help me, to help US =) You guys are simply amazing, and I'll be sure to implement all of these point the next time I approach my father.
Though more information and knowledge is always best, for me and those seeking similar help, but there is no need to exert yourselves, for you are doing this out of kindness <3
Thank you for everything, and thank you as kind Muslims.                     

Posted By: Al-Raheem
Date Posted: 15 September 2012 at 5:13am
Assalamualaikum brother. Indeed in your eyes cultural differences should not be a hindrance as Islam unite us as one. It is good that you talked to your parents about your intentions. However if your father still objects to your plans to marry this girl, just accept it and dua for the best as Allah Ta'ala is All Knowing and Most Merciful. Explain to the girl why both of you can't get married. For if you go against your father's wishes both of you may not live a blissful life together. Would you bear to see her suffer in marriage because of this? If you truly love her you would not want to put her in a predicament that may hurt her feelings. Inshallah everything will go smoothly and I wish both of you the best.

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