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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Youth
Forum Discription: Groups Youth
Printed Date: 20 May 2018 at 6:43am
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 8.04 -

Topic: Isthikhara
Posted By: anonymous123
Subject: Isthikhara
Date Posted: 16 April 2012 at 7:41pm

About a year ago I met a man at a family party. I was very shy and did not want to get invovled in any type of relationship because I was a teenager. However when summer came along we began to talk online and I realized how sweet, caring, respectful and valued he was. I began to grow very fond of him but was scared because talking to males was always looked down upon in our culture. Because I was always raised with older girls and experienced many things that made me mature alot faster, I was able to communicate and relate to him even though he was 7 years older. We talked and talked until I decided to stop. I stopped talking to him for three weeks but after that I could not take it anymore and something pulled me to start talking to him again. We grew even fonder of each other and I really like him but wasnt sure if i was doing the right thing. I did not know how to do isthikhara so I just made dua to Allah swt asking him that if this man would make me happy and was in my kismat show me a sign so that i maintain and care for this relationship. Over the course of time i had three dreams that showed how much we loved each other and how our families would get along. We kept talking and admitted our love for each other and developed a very strong connection. I loved him for his deen and his faith with God and for his values and personality. A couple months later was my birthday and we decided to meet. We did get a little physical but it felt right that it was with the man that i would spend the rest of my life with. However my sister found out about the relationship and said that if my parents would find out  they would never trust me and I was doing everything wrong. I got scared and ended the relationship but was totally crushed. I balled and couldnt take it and got back together with him and he still accepted me after I broke his heart. Now again my mother is starting to get suspicious that I am talking to someone and again im very fearful that she might find out and end our relationship forever. My sister has become a little bit more supportive and agrees to talk to him and see what kind of guy he is but said that she cant keep lying to my mom saying there is something going on when there isnt. So i decided that maybe (even though it is heartbreaking) me and him should limit phone time by alot maybe even eliminate and just stick to fb chatting for a little time a day because i mentallly cannot handle taking him out of my life totally because he is like a bestfriend to me and a love. He is the person i talk to and trust the most and can always look up to for advice. I just feel that everything is such a mess and Im wondering that even though i had those dreams should i still do an isthikhara prayer asking if we are really meant to be together? Thank you i would aprreciate your responses and please ask for any clarifications

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 17 April 2012 at 10:09am
What prevents you from going about this in a manner which correct according to your family and religion?  Keep in mind, generally speaking, when relationships begin wrong ("we did get a little physical"), they end badly.  One of the reasons our religion prevents mixing (talking, dating, ect.) is to protect the honor of individuals, and to protect your heart.  Now, with physical contact your heart has become pierced and you suffer pain, having now lost most, if not all, control of your reason and good judgment.  Infatuation and sexual tension is confused for love and inability to live without this person, who in my estimation has acted less than honorable. Would he want this for his daughter or sister?  Why is it that he can't come out openly and respectfully speak to your family about his intentions?  Seek forgiveness for your indiscretions, and proceed the right way, and insha'Allah your affairs will have a good ending.  Allah bless you and ease your pain.  It is obvious that you are a good person who is struggling with this matter, and I wish you success.

Posted By: anonymous123
Date Posted: 17 April 2012 at 5:15pm
But we did not begin the relationship with anything physical, we met up 7 months after we began talking and after we had admitted that we loved each other for who we were as people. However it was wrong to have physical contact and therefore I later did ask Allah swt for forgiveness. He has talked to my sister about the situation and his intentions to marry, however he cannot yet tell my parents because I am way too young to get engaged. We need to wait a year before we can get just a nikkah. I am just worried that my parents might say no and we are both left heartbroken and even though I have time to heal, he does not because his parents want him at latest to be engaged next year so he is pressured from their side.

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 18 April 2012 at 10:49am
Well, full disclosure here, I certainly do not understand, what I believe to be cultural norms here, but seems to me, that he should have recognized from the beginning you were too young, as well as you knew full well your parents would not accept an engagement at your age, so why carry on months of contact?  Heartbroken is a very painful price, but it only comes about through following an inappropriate course.  As a father with daughters, frankly speaking, I have very little tolerance for the way this man has courted you, and you are advised to protect your honor, and that of your family.

Posted By: anonymous123
Date Posted: 18 April 2012 at 11:32am
At the time we did begin talking, yes, I was too young but I thought the two years I needed to be engaged would be a good time to get to know him a little  better and see if he was the kind of person I wanted to be with. I have no intention in tarnishing my family's name nor his family's otherwise our relationship would have been physically much farther. He being 7 years older could have taken advantage of me and my youth and persuaded me to physically be active with him but he didnt and respected my values and the boundaries i wanted to establish between us. And at times because of all the pressure that my sisters put upon me by not telling my parents about him I reacted quickly and broke the realtionship off however every time i did that I felt a deep sense of regret and wrong. I felt like i wasnt following my heart and what i thought was right but my sisters who did not even know him as a person and automatically judged him. For that reason, I would apologize to him and explain all the pressure I felt. And what surprised me the most was that every time I did apologize after breaking his heart by ending the relationship, he helped me recover every time and did not get angry at me by making decisions because of other people's pressure. He did not get angry or tell me he didnt want to be in the relationship anymore because it was too stressful to have so many people interfering. I want to make this decision as an individual because no one else has been in my shoes to see what I have seen and to feel what i have felt. I'm not saying i want to be totally ignorant and ignore everyone's advice but i have learned from the past that listening to what others want me to do rather than myself always leads to my unhappiness.

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