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Choosing A Good Husband

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – Women (Sisters)
Forum Discription: Groups – Women (Sisters)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=21848
Printed Date: 21 October 2014 at 7:08pm


Topic: Choosing A Good Husband
Posted By: seekshidayath
Subject: Choosing A Good Husband
Date Posted: 27 September 2011 at 11:55am
One of the ways in which Islam has honoured woman is by giving her the right to choose her husband. Her parents have no right to force her to marry someone she dislikes. The Muslim woman knows this right, but she does not reject the advice and guidance of her parents when a potential suitor comes along because they have her best interests at heart, and they have more experience of life and people. At the same time, she does not forego this right because of her father's wishes that may make him force his daughter into a marriage with someone she dislikes.

There are many texts that support the woman in this sensitive issue, for example the report quoted by Imam Al-Bukhaari from al-Khansa' bint Khidam:

"My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match, so I complained to the Messenger of Allah . He said to me: `Accept what your father has arranged.' I said, `I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.' He said, `Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.' I said, `I have accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter's matters (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them).'"

At first, the Prophet told al-Khansa' to obey her father, and this is as it should be, because the concern of fathers for their daughters' well-being is well-known. But when he realized that her father wanted to force her into a marriage she did not want, he gave her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.

Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks, attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and opposing this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the sister of `Abdullah ibn Ubayy, came to the Prophet and said: "O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behaviour, but I hate to commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The Prophet said: "Will you give his garden back to him?" - her mahr had been a garden. She said, "Yes." So the Messenger of Allah sent word to him: "Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of divorce."3

According to a report given by Al-Bukhaari from Ibn `Abbas, she said, "I do not blame Thabit for anything with regard to his religion or his behaviour, but I do not like him."

Islam has protected woman's pride and humanity, and has respected her wishes with regard to the choice of a husband with whom she will spend the rest of her life. It is not acceptable for anyone, no matter who he is, to force a woman into a marriage with a man she does not like. There is no clearer indication of this than the story of Barirah, an Ethiopian slave-girl who belonged to `Utbah ibn Abu Lahab, who forced her to marry another slave whose name was Mughith. She would never have accepted him as a husband if she had been in control of her own affairs. `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) took pity on her, so she bought her and set her free. Then this young woman felt that she was free and in control of her own affairs, and that she could take a decision about her marriage. She asked her husband for a divorce. Her husband used to follow her, weeping, whilst she rejected him. Al-Bukhaari quotes Ibn `Abbas describing this freed woman who insisted on the annulment of her marriage to someone she did not love; the big-hearted Prophet commented on this moving sight, and sought to intervene.

Ibn `Abbas said:

"Barirah's husband was a slave, who was known as Mughith. I can almost see him, running after her and crying, with tears running down onto his beard. The Prophet said to `Abbas, `O `Abbas, do you not find it strange, how much Mugith loves Barirah, and how much Barirah hates Mughith?' The Prophet said (to Barirah), `Why do you not go back to him?' She said, `O Messenger of Allah, are you commanding me to do so?' He said, `I am merely trying to intervene on his behalf.' She said, `I have no need of him.'"

The Prophet was deeply moved by this display of human emotion: deep and overwhelming love on the part of the husband, and equally powerful hatred on the part of the wife. He could not help but remind the wife, and ask her why she did not go back to him, as he was her husband and the father of her child. This believing woman asked him, whether he was ordering her to do so: was this a command, a binding obligation? The Prophet , this great law-giver and educator, replied that he was merely trying to intercede and bring about reconciliation if possible; he was not trying to force anybody to do something they did not wish to. Let those stubborn, hard-hearted fathers who oppress their own daughters listen to the teaching of the Prophet !


The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has wise and correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She does not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a luxurious lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract women. She looks into his level of religious commitment and his attitude and behaviour, because these are the pillars of a successful marriage, and the best features of a husband. Islamic teaching indicates the importance of these qualities in a potential husband, as Islam obliges a woman to accept the proposal of anyone who has these qualities, lest fitnah and corruption become widespread in society:

"If there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are satisfied, then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you do not do so, fitnah anmischief will become widespread on earth."

Just as the true Muslim young man will not be attracted to the pretty girls who have grown up in a bad environment, so the Muslim young woman who is guided by her religion will not be attracted to st**id "play-boy" types, no matter how handsome they may be. Rather she will be attracted to the serious, educated, believing man who is clean-living and pure of heart, whose behaviour is good and whose understanding of religion is sound. No-one is a suitable partner for the good, believing woman except a good, believing man; and no-one is a suitable partner for the wayward, immoral woman but a wayward, immoral man, as Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has said:

Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure, and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity . . . (Qur'aan 24:26)

This does not mean that the Muslim woman should completely ignore the matter of physical appearance, and put up with unattractiveness or ugliness. It is her right - as stated above - to marry a man for whom her heart may be filled with love, and who is pleasing to her both in his appearance and in his conduct. Appearance should not be neglected at the expense of inner nature, or vice versa. A woman should choose a man who is attractive to her in all aspects, one who will gain her admiration and respect. The true Muslim woman is never dazzled by outward appearances, and she never lets them distract her from seeing the essence of a potential spouse. The Muslim woman knows that the man has the right of qiwamah over her, as the Qur'aan says:

( Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women, because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and because they support them from their means . . .) (Qur'aan 4:34)

Hence she wants to marry a man of whose qiwamah over her she will feel proud, one whom she will be happy to marry and never regret it. She wants a man who will take her hand in his and set out to fulfil their life's mission of establishing a Muslim family and raising a new generation of intelligent and caring children, in an atmosphere of love and harmony, which will not be impeded by conflicting attitudes or religious differences. Believing men and believing women are supposed to walk side-by-side on the journey of life, which is a serious matter for the believer, so that they may fulfil the great mission with which Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has entrusted mankind, men and women alike, as the Qur'aan says:

( For Muslim men and women - for believing men and women, for devout men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are constant and patient, for men and women who humble themselves, for men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast [and deny themselves], for men and women who guard their chastity, and for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise - for them has Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.) (Qur'aan 33:35)

In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage bond, and establishing a stable family life, it is essential to choose the right partner in the first place.

Among the great Muslim women who are known for their strength of character, lofty aspirations and far-sightedness in their choice of a husband is Umm Sulaym bint Milhan, who was one of the first Ansar women to embrace Islam. She was married to Malik ibn Nadar, and bore him a son, Anas. When she embraced Islam, her husband Malik was angry with her, and left her, but she persisted in her Islam. Shortly afterwards, she heard the news of his death, and she was still in the flower of her youth. She bore it all with the hope of reward, for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa), and devoted herself to taking care of her ten-year-old son Anas. She took him to the Prophet , so that he could serve him (and learn from him).

One of the best young men of Madinah, one of the best-looking, richest and strongest, came to seek her hand in marriage. This was Abu Talhah - before he became Muslim. Many of the young women of Yathrib liked him because of his wealth, strength and youthful good looks, and he thought that Umm Sulaym would joyfully rush to accept his offer. But to his astonishment, she told him, "O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew in the ground and was carved into shape by the slave of Banu so-and-so." He said, "Of course." She said, "Do you not feel ashamed to prostrate yourself to a piece of wood that grew in the ground and was carved by the slave of Banu so-and-so?" Abu Talhah was stubborn, and hinted to her of an expensive dowry and luxurious lifestyle, but she persisted in her point of view, and told him frankly: "O Abu Talhah, a man like you could not be turned away, but you are a disbelieving man, and I am a Muslim woman. It is not permitted for me to marry you, but if you were to embrace Islam, that would be my dowry (mahr), and I would ask you for nothing more."

He returned the following day to try to tempt her with a larger dowry and more generous gift, but she stood firm, and her persistance and maturity only enhanced her beauty in his eyes. She said to him, "O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you worship was carved by the carpenter slave of so-and-so? If you were to set it alight, it would burn." Her words came as a shock to Abu Talhah, and he asked himself, Does the Lord burn? Then he uttered the words: "Ashhadu an la ilaha ill-Allah wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan rasul-Allah."

Then Umm Sulaym said to her son Anas, with joy flooding her entire being, "O Anas, marry me to Abu Talhah." So Anas brought witnesses and the marriage was solemnized.

Abu Talhah was so happy that he was determined to put all his wealth at Umm Sulaym's disposal, but hers was the attitude of the selfless, proud, sincere believing woman. She told him, "O Abu Talhah, I married you for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa), and I will not take any other dowry." She knew that when Abu Talhah embraced Islam, she did not only win herself a worthy husband, but she also earned a reward from Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) that was better than owning red camels (the most highly-prized kind) in this world, as she had heard the Prophet say:

"If Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) were to guide one person to Islam through you, it is better for you than owning red camels."

Such great Muslim women are examples worthy of emulation, from whom Muslim women may learn purity of faith, strength of character, soundness of belief and wisdom in choosing a husband.


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Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."



Replies:
Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 01 October 2011 at 7:12pm
Asa. Thanks for the Post:)


Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 12 October 2011 at 12:44am

Assalamu 'alaykum

"Jazakullah."

Your post is really good and helpful for the entire Muslima Ummah.

This reflects how perfect is our religion when dealing with the matters of selecting life partners. Islam is the only religion which protects the women world. Above articles proves the fact that only Islam can provide freedom and protection for the women community.

Dua:: rabbana aatina fid dunya hasanah... (O Allah, give us goodness in this life, and goodness in the next, and protect us from Hellfire)



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Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times


Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 12 October 2011 at 12:51am

Bismillahir-RaHmanir-RaHeem. 

 Allah(swt) says in the Quran: 
" Do not marry unbelieving women (idolaters), until they believe: A slave woman who believes is better than an unbelieving woman, even though she allures you. Nor marry (your girls) to unbelievers until they believe: A man slave who believes is better than an unbeliever, even though he allures you. Unbelievers do (but) beckon you to the Fire. But Allah beckons by His Grace to the Garden (of Bliss) and forgiveness, and makes His Signs clear to mankind: That they may celebrate His praise. "(2:221) 
 
The most fundamental question when choosing a partner is a religious one- As far as language, background, or social position are concerned, these are not significant factors that absolutely must be fulfilled before a marriage can take place. If the prospective partner is of good character, with a strong religious inclination, and the two young people are happy and feel compatible with one another, other considerations are not of such importance." 
 
While choosing a husband, a woman should focus on the suitor's behavior and commitment to religion. 



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Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 13 October 2011 at 9:27am
and the two young people are happy and feel compatible with one another, other considerations are not of such importance."

Now we are all not so "young" who marry.. lolWink


Judging character can be a tough thing.. People change as to the circumstances. Say how they treat their friends may be different than how they treat their wife. There are no guarantees..


 



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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: seekshidayath
Date Posted: 13 October 2011 at 11:34pm
I agree, Sis Hayfa. No gurantees

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Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."


Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 14 October 2011 at 1:35am
Originally posted by Hayfa

and the two young people are happy and feel compatible with one another, other considerations are not of such importance."

Now we are all not so "young" who marry.. lolWink


Judging character can be a tough thing.. People change as to the circumstances. Say how they treat their friends may be different than how they treat their wife. There are no guarantees..


 

Truly I did not get you Sis. Haya. I was referring to those who are young and looking forward to start a religious married life.



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Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times


Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 14 October 2011 at 1:37am
Originally posted by seekshidayath

I agree, Sis Hayfa. No gurantees
How can we say no guarantee if some one choose a partner who is religious and a practicing Muslim?


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Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 16 October 2011 at 9:27am
Seeia, I was making some fun that not all people looking to marry are "young"

How can we say no guarantee if some one choose a partner who is religious and a practicing Muslim?

Because what you "see" may not be what you get behind closed doors. How can you tell how someone will treat a wife, if you've never seen them with a wife?  And, even then, its about how to say someone is "practicing?" Just cause someone prays does not mean that treat people well for example. Someone can fast and do all they are supposed to do but berets and treats people horribly.

Plenty of people marry someone they thought was "religious" only to find it was on the surface or did not encompass all facets of life.



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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 16 October 2011 at 9:40pm
Originally posted by Hayfa

Just cause someone prays does not mean that treat people well for example. Someone can fast and do all they are supposed to do but berets and treats people horribly.

 

I do agree with you.

But then what is the possible best way to find a good Husband for a Muslima.

In my personal experience My family choose a religious one for me as Husband "Subhanullah." and it worked out very good. So for me always religious choices are good.

 



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Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times


Posted By: seekshidayath
Date Posted: 24 October 2011 at 6:46pm
As Salamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah

Had been your posts around sis Seeja. JazakAllah khayr for your contributions to the forum.

You are right, that religious choice is good and infact we are to look for such inclined people, but it;s happening that even such people who fast, offer salah reguarly,do not uphold good character, i mean aqlaaq ---. I had seen few such men beating wives --- in such sense i   agreed that we cannot gurantee .


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Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."


Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 31 October 2011 at 4:31am
Originally posted by seekshidayath

As Salamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah

Had been your posts around sis Seeja. JazakAllah khayr for your contributions to the forum.

You are right, that religious choice is good and infact we are to look for such inclined people, but it;s happening that even such people who fast, offer salah reguarly,do not uphold good character, i mean aqlaaq ---. I had seen few such men beating wives --- in such sense i   agreed that we cannot gurantee .
 
 

JazakAllah khayr for your kind remarks.



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Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times


Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 18 December 2011 at 11:29pm
Assalamualaikum,
 
SeeksHidayath's comment :
"The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has wise and correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She does not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a luxurious lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract women. She looks into his level of religious commitment and his attitude and behaviour, because these are the pillars of a successful marriage, and the best features of a husband."
 
and Hayfa's comment :
"Because what you "see" may not be what you get behind closed doors. How can you tell how someone will treat a wife, if you've never seen them with a wife?  And, even then, its about how to say someone is "practicing?" Just cause someone prays does not mean that treat people well for example. Someone can fast and do all they are supposed to do but berets and treats people horribly."
 
Cannot agree more with both of you sisters.
Ive heared from a very wise and learned scholar that one should choose a partner who is 'on the same page of religion'.
 
Now that could be a tough choice to make as its not easy to find out what page of religion a person is ... nevertheless, marriage is by far the most important decision of one's life. One must not accept any proposal, just because the 'elders' are suggesting and they 'know' our best interests. When we are in our early twenties we presume the elders cannot be so drastically wrong - but I rather say to young sisters (and to the not so young as well)  its better to make your own mistakes than let others make them for you!
 
Loved your post Seekshidayath!
 
barak Allahu feeki,
nausheen
 
 


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Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.


Posted By: Wardah
Date Posted: 20 December 2011 at 7:49am
Aslamo alecum sisters

It is nice to read thread about choosing a husband, you all done well mashaAllah. However, I have a question here as in Islam women and men are not allowed to intermingle with their opposite sex on daily bases. So how a women or a man find a partner by them selves?? Like to know a person you have to be in contact with them for long time.
I understand a father or both parents should not force their daughter to marry a person she doesnt like, am agree. But how a women should find her husband by herself while she is not allowed to mix with men???



Posted By: Alina Khan
Date Posted: 10 June 2012 at 5:12am
Sallam alay kum ,

Dnt you think that you are encouraging young females who will read your post to try and contact the groom before engagement and see themselves the kind of person he is,may be without telling their parents, email id, sms or phone numbers can be taken from any friend on Facebook.


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 11 June 2012 at 9:31pm
Originally posted by Alina Khan

Sallam alay kum ,

Dnt you think that you are encouraging young females who will read your post to try and contact the groom before engagement and see themselves the kind of person he is,may be without telling their parents, email id, sms or phone numbers can be taken from any friend on Facebook.


Its a good idea to talk to, get to know the groom within Halal limits before marriage. Once you are married, there is no turning back. Marriage can't be based on risks.

There is nothing wrong with encouraging young women to find out about their prospective groom  as much as they can.


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"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: Nausheen
Date Posted: 27 June 2012 at 11:34pm
>>Its a good idea to talk to, get to know the groom within Halal limits before marriage. Once you are married, there is no turning back. Marriage can't be based on risks.<<
 
dito one hundred percent!


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Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.


Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 19 September 2012 at 4:17am
Assalamu 'alaykum

Knowing each other within the halal limits before the marriage is good and always can bring good results.



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Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times



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