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Shame of my previous live - to lie or not to lie?

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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – New Muslims
Forum Discription: Groups – New Muslims
Printed Date: 23 June 2018 at 10:56am
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Topic: Shame of my previous live - to lie or not to lie?
Posted By: meryema
Subject: Shame of my previous live - to lie or not to lie?
Date Posted: 27 September 2011 at 7:11am
dear sisters and brothers

it took me quite long time to contribute to this discussion. having read some of your posts, my shame is growing more and more inside myself.. you cannot imagine how happy and how thankful i am to ALLAH that he found me in my sinful environment and provided me with his love. Alhamdullillah!

i have a secret inside myself which is eating me from inside. comparing what i had done with most comments i have read here so far is just putting me more down. i wish my confession won't be very shocking for you, i ask you for leniency and patience. i ask you for a sensitive response..

to understand my situation, i need to tell something about my life at first. i am from central europe, from a country which is famously known for the highest percentage of non believers. my nuclear family is atheistic as well, and so i was raised as atheist. then also, as an atheist freeminded teenager, i did what other atheist freeminded teenagers do. sometimes i felt emptiness in my soul, i felt lost and aimless so i once started to be interested in religion. i found my way to islam in turkey. i saw not all muslims are terrorists etc what i REALLY used to think. well i was cool atheist and i thought i ate brains of the world, if u know what i mean. my dad taught me tht way. Meeting the culture made me break the ice berg of prejudice in my head, however, i only felt respect for other believers and muslims, i talked about islam often at school, i had a lot of project thanks to which i said shahada many times. However, it was my next boyfriend with whom i felt the gifts, the beauty and the overwhelmingness of ALLAH and became a Muslim.

And here comes the thing. My boyfriend, who i admire incredibly and whom i am so thankful for helping me find the true path with his loving mother, can’t get along with my past life. It took time since our friendship grew into love and even during that time i was doing things that girl should avoid. I was also telling about it to him, since we were just friends and i didn’t even feel like i am doing something so wrong or outrageous – i was so used to see that things all around me! And now it really makes me sick!

Well, to sum it up, our beginnings were very complicated, i thought he s not interested in me as a future partner, which got me proved after i confessed about my feelings for him. Finally i got chance for scholarship in his town but he had to go to military for half a year, during which he didn’t show much of interest in me neither (though he had a way). Lots of things broke my trust in our future and i fell into a hard sin. Furthermore, i did things like going for trips with other foreign students who were boys etc which is something unacceptable for my bf and for which we are constantly at fight. At first i always wanted to be honest to him, but after i talked about some stories from the times he was at army, i understood that some things are just too hard for him to digest. And so i started with those white lies or avoiding telling some details which would just make both of us sad. In those times, one of the most powerful moments of my life, which i lived together with my greatest love, i pronounced shahada fully conscious of what i am saying. It was the happiest moment of my life. Subhan’ALLAH....

I have accepted his culture and its values for mine altogether with the rules for a muslim woman. I have never been happier in my life Allhamdoulillah.. i have read that the sins of a convert’s pasts are not being questioned by ALLAH the Almighty. Unfortunately, my dear is still being bothered with my past, especially with the time when he was at army. And he is not alone who is bothered, i am disgusted from myself and all i want is to forget.

I don’t know what is the best step to make now my dear family :-( all i want is to be a good muslim and not to hurt anybody, especially the man who i love this much. He is trying hard to forgive me, i know, thats why we are still together. There are still things i haven’t told him, things which i had commited in ignorance, having them reminded is making me feel like mess of the humanity. When i confessed to one of my muslim sisters, she said that he shouldn’t be questioning me of that things and she also said that when my lie is to prevent him and me, us, from pain, it is permitted in islam.

So, that is it. I commited a lot of sins in ignorance, before got myself into the hands of ALLAH. Since then i live accordingly, or at least i try to do my best back in my homeland, its harder than being in a muslim country, especially when ur parents are disbelievers. The only sin i am commiting now is LYING. I am lying to my love, because we love each other extremely, and because i don’t want to hurt him, and finally because of all that dreams we were about to start making true just after i graduate this year. We are ready to set up a family. My question is, is it lawful to tell a lie or sort of omit the truth in this example? I also consider the fact that building up the future of my children on a fragile basement of my lies is very irresponsible towards them, however I cannot imagine loving and being happy with another man. I cannot imagine any other man touching me or raise my children, because he has the values i want their father to give them.

Please give me some hints.. and I beg you, I hesitated with writing this response because i feared to hear some kind of deep moralizing. I probably need to hear it, you are right, but please, be sensitive.. only because of ALLAH I stopped hurting myself physically to replace the psychical pain and i know this is a great sin too. May ALLAH lead me to the straight path. I don’t consider myself a strong person and I might not bear the naked truth about me. Thank you for ur understanding and responses, may ALLAH bless you all, especially those struggling for their faith in unfriendly environment of Europe and the USA and those whose heart is as clean as an unwritten story book. Innocence is so precious and so fragile. Everybody is born with it. For women I say: be proud of your innocence and don’t fall into the commercial world! Be blessed...

Posted By: seekshidayath
Date Posted: 27 September 2011 at 12:23pm

As Salamu Alaikum wa rahmatullah

Welcome to the discussion forums of Islamicity. Thanks for sharing your story which was very well composed as holded Message to the sisters.

Sister, as you already stated that it was all your past until you sincerly made shahadah. When those pages of your life are blank in your books of accountability to Allah swt, why do you wish to tell him

Anyways, the question if it's lawful or not to lie him

One of lies permitted in Islam is of a spouse to other to promote a mutual relation ship.

From Islamic Law:

Reliance of the Traveler (p. 746 - 8.2) - "Speaking is a means to achieve objectives. If a praiseworthy aim is attainable through both telling the truth and lying, it is unlawful to accomplish through lying because there is no need for it. When it is possible to achieve such an aim by lying but not by telling the truth, it is permissible to lie if attaining the goal is permissible (N:i.e. when the purpose of lying is to circumvent someone who is preventing one from doing something permissible), and obligatory to lie if the goal is obligatory... it is religiously precautionary in all cases to employ words that give a misleading impression...

"One should compare the bad consequences entailed by lying to those entailed by telling the truth, and if the consequences of telling the truth are more damaging, one is entitled to lie.

May Allah swt ease your state of mind you are undergoing these days.

Kindly do stay active and participate at different discussion forums, sis. Wishing you a very happy stay

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: “All the descendants of Adam are sinners, and the best of sinners are those who repent."

Posted By: meryema
Date Posted: 28 September 2011 at 2:32am
Salamu Alaikum dear sister,

thank you for your response. Considering your explanation, I was behaving accordingly to the teachings of islam...

Also, as you suggested, those things in my life are like they never happened, unfortunately I can't keep bearing them on my shoulders, especially when they are being constantly reminded to me.

Anyway, unfortunately, our relationship is over from yesterday night. He is obsessed with knowing everything about my past and wrote to one of my friends to ask what we were doing when we were together. This, first of all, insulted me, and secondly, it is possible that man is going to tell a lie to revenge since I had left all my previous friendships with all men without explaining anything.

Whatever. It's gone through all my trying to save it... I think one can't built up something when the basis stones are lies.....

As about that, I am not angry with him, he prefers knowing only truths, but on the contrary, if he lied to save me from pain, I think I would have even appreciated that. I wish the gates of Eden will be open for his good heart, which just couldnt bear that sinful life of my past. I think that when he kept on asking and reminding me things of my non muslim life, he might have commited sin himself by doing so, when we are separated, there will be no need anymore for him to be sinful.

My heart is being toren with pain but his satisfaction will always be my privilege.

Anyway, thank you again sister for your response and make sure I will contribute in this forum when I have time since I am surrounded with very bad environment and have to feel ummah at least virtually.

May God bles you for your kind words..

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 28 September 2011 at 7:10am
"I don’t consider myself a strong person and I might not bear the naked truth about me."
Meryema the truth now is that you want and desire an honorable lifestyle having morals and ethics.  What was in the past is over and you are under no obligation to open these matters with anyone.  As a matter of fact it is blameworthy to have done sinful acts and then broadcast them to others.  If Allah, Most High, has chosen to hide your sins from others you should not reveal them.  Even those of us who were raised in religious homes battle with sin and behaviors we are ashamed for others to become aware of.  Repentance is an important aspect of our religion because we will continue to transgress over and over again.  We seek forgiveness and struggle to never return to the sin, and move on with our lives.  In Islam there is no "confession" to anyone other than Allah.  I am not to sin in secrete and the next day confess to my neighbor, religious leader, spouse or anyone.  I only must ask Allah to forgive me and make a firm commitment never to repeat this act again.  Welcome to the Islamic, and most importantly, to the Islamic faith.  I wish you all the best - success in this life and the next.

Posted By: meryema
Date Posted: 04 October 2011 at 2:56am
Sometimes you dont need to confess, some "good soul" might do it for you! [IMG]smileys/smiley11.gif" align="middle" />
You advised sisters that one should consider the effects of truth and effects of a lie. But the fact is that every lie will get exposed one day from the side you never expected it to happen. Nobody can walk far with lies... and then when the things get exposed, the person hurt of these will not understand what really is the truth and wht is the lie to make me worse than what i was hiding!!!!!

off sisters... may ALLAH forgive me for hurting the only man I loved in my life [IMG]smileys/smiley5.gif" align="middle" />

Posted By: lady
Date Posted: 05 October 2011 at 7:59pm
Asa sistet. I hope by time you read this msg that you will be in a better mood and that you will feel good about yourself. If you feel like you need to talk about your sins then what you could do is write them down on a piece of paper then tske that paper to a shredder. Sometimes talking or writing your sins will help you feel better by gaining more clarity. The same things you mentioned to us in this forum you should also mention to allah. He (swt) is the only one who can make you feel better and can give you many blessings. Some men are silly minded when it comes to a woman commiting certain sins. Be careful of revealing personal things tonpeople. Even though they may love you, but dont forget they are human too. They may not be able to handle your secrets. I know that you are extra vurnerable with your friend and you feel like you do not want someone else now. I understand you, but you have to see if the choices you make in your life with people is islamic or not. This will help you with to maintain a better life as a muslim. Your request for us to respond to u in the most gentle way is so cute. Please try to keep yourself busy during this painful time. Go to the mosque and make friends with the muslim sisters there. I hope this msg and the other responses have help u much:)

Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 18 October 2011 at 10:21pm

Assalamu 'alaykum Meryema

 Welcome to the true religion. You are really blessed by the almighty to get the real wisdom for knowing the correct path for this life and afterwards.


But as a Muslima we must understood one thing that Islam is not allowing any male/female relationships before and outside the marriage. “Boyfriend/Girlfriend/lovers” these are not permitted in our Islamic life. So as true believers we should not encourage these things. Any relationship outside the marriage is a sin and adultery as per our religion. It is clear that we should not start a relationship with a male before the wedlock. So my point is that, you should avoid having contact with your male friend simply because it is not allowed. The life before you enter Islam is totally different than the life after you became a good Muslima.

According to Islam, there is nothing called as love marriage

There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practiced in the West. There is no dating or living in de facto relationship or trying each other out before committing to each other. There is to be no physical relationship whatsoever before marriage.

Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times

Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 6:29am
Originally posted by seeja


According to Islam, there is nothing called as love marriage


Please explain this point further.

Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 9:09pm

Islam provides a code of manners for male/female interaction outside the home. 

A.      Women and men must be wearing clothes that fulfill Islamic requirements of decency
B.    An unmarried man and woman should never be alone together in a room. No person should ever be alone with someone of the opposite sex unless they are married to that person.
C.    Men and women are not to talk to each other in a soft or intimate-sounding voice unless they are married to each other. Women are to address men in a firm and even tone so that the men don't get any false ideas.

D. When meeting and greeting: Men shake hands and hug only other men. Women shake hands and hug only other women. (Unless they are married to each other, of course.)

E.  Men and women who are not married to each other never touch

F.  If two people are interested in getting married, the woman should arrange for a male relative to act on her behalf as her representative. That way she doesn't have to feel pressured or undignified.  If a woman doesn't have any reliable male relatives to represent her interests, she may choose another Muslim male, usually an Imam or other trusted person to act on her behalf.

Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times

Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 9:46pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

Originally posted by seeja


According to Islam, there is nothing called as love marriage


Please explain this point further.
According to Islam, there is nothing called as love marriage. The relationship of Male/Female comes into existence when both are agree to be married in the presence of the woman’s guardian with a minimum of two witnesses. Intimacy and mutual love starts between the man and woman only after the marriage which is legitimate, useful and presumed to be permanent. No other relationship between a man and a woman who is not related to him is admissible from the Islamic point of view.

Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times

Posted By: seeja
Date Posted: 19 October 2011 at 9:48pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

Please explain this point further.

Kindly please expedite your views on this subject

Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times

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