Reverted muslim seeking help on marriage issue
Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups – New Muslims
Forum Discription: Groups – New Muslims
Printed Date: 19 April 2014 at 3:45pm
Topic: Reverted muslim seeking help on marriage issue
Posted By: Abdullah.
Subject: Reverted muslim seeking help on marriage issue
Date Posted: 30 April 2011 at 5:29am
My dear brothers and sisters...As salamu aalaikum,
I am a reverted muslim, I accepted islam around 3 years back.......I
studied Islam, followed up the debates, lectures by the scholars and was
involved in various discussions on religion to ultimately embrace
Islam.......It is said that guidance from Allah comes through various
channels, it can be through miracles, dreams, some specific events in
our life, a zeal from within to know the purpose of our existence...and
there may be many more ways (Allah knows best)..........
For me, the driving force behind studying Islam and Alhamdulillah
embracing it, was hatred towards the religion of Islam. Though I was not
completely against Islam yet I never liked it much in the
past......strangely, during my college days I fell in love with a muslim
girl because of her simplicity, very modest dressing, understanding
level, intelligence and extremely modest behaviour.......I just felt
like respecting her from the bottom of my heart.......it was the
beginning of an inspiration towards a culture (not apparently towards
I was afraid of the consequences but still after a couple of years i
told her about my feelings and the respect that I had for
her.........she caught my intentions and told me without any delay that
if I am beginning to like her then i should give up the thought straight
away because she will not tolerate any such thing.......I got the
message and kept quiet there after.......
she being a human had some feelings for me as well but her principles
never allowed her to accept those feelings......however both of us were
able to feel the respect we had for each other........Finally college
was over and all of us were set to take different paths in our
life.........we went miles apart from each other to different cities in
opposite corners of the nation.....
but somehow we managed to stay in touch like we used to with other
colleagues......At this stage life took a turn, she wanted to talk to me
one day and i found her worried and crying......she told me that people
are visiting her house quite often and talks about her marriage are
going on........she was also supposed to meet a guy whose parents met
her parents recently......she then clarified to my anticipation that she
is not liking this at all.......and its happening because she likes
me.........I was so furious at her that if that's the case then why
didn't she accept this before and why she is not telling her parents
about it.......I said I will talk to my parents as well.....she told me
that there is no use of telling all this to her parents because her
religion prohibits such things and she is already committing a crime by
even thinking all this.......I was quite angry listening to this but
some how convinced her to atleast tell her state of mind to her parents
so that they can understand what she is going through and can give her
some time to consolidate herself......
Now an entirely new chapter got started and I received a mail from her
saying - "My phone has been taken away from me and I was slapped on my
face as soon as i told my mother about this....somehow I managed to send
you this mail but I think I made a mistake by following your advice to
tell this to my parents"......I was shocked and was very angry about
this reaction from her parents........several thoughts came into my mind
that what kind of a thinking is this, what was her crime, why all
this......and these things made me think bad about Islam as well.......
One day I received a call and her mother was speaking to me.......she
was too angry on me and was asking me that why i did all this to
them?......what do I want now?......I just tried to tell her that our
intentions were, to simply tell her about what we think and nothing
else.....the decision is always going to be your's.....she then told me
that it is not possible in Islam for a muslim to marry a non
muslim......its illegal.......I was shocked again and began to think
that (Astaghfirullah) what kind of religion is this, it produces
terrorists and has such a narrow minded thinking and blah blah
Interestingly, with the guidance of almighty Allah, instead of turning
away from Islam I decided to learn more about the religion that what
actually are the teachings of Islam and how come so many people around
the world believe in such kind of thoughts despite being so much inhuman
(astaghfirullah), and with this I also thought that I will raise
questions about the authenticity of the concepts in the religion and
will try to argue based on logic and principle of humanity that what's
the harm in marrying her to me.........Though I was too naive to think
that the girl will agree to marry me (despite of the fact that she liked
me)......I also thought that if it is some sort of ritual to accept
Islam then I will follow it for the sake of marriage.
This was the time that changed my life completely.....I went through
the translations of Quran, listened to the lectures of scholars, went
through the comparisons between various religions and Islam, followed up
the debates and alhamdulillah I should say that I got divine help at
every step that I took towards understanding Islam....whatever doubt
that came to my mind got clarified through some thing or the
other.....one of my muslim friend's father was maulana and many of my
queries got resolved through him. I also watched lectures of Dr. Zakir
Naik and found them very influencing. Finally by the grace of Allah
almighty my heart accepted Islam, Alhamdulillah. Allah is surely the all
powerful who can transform even the hatred in one's heart into a
guidance towards the truth.
Now was the time to turn back towards the girl, whom Allah sent into my
life as a means to reach the truth, and show her my gratitude for what I
earned through her. I messaged her one day that I offered my first
fajar prayer today. She replied to me saying that don't try to play with
the religion, its not a joke and please don'think about this. It took
me sufficient time to convince her about my reversion to Islam and to
explain her what else I went through. She was very much shocked with all
this and cried a lot saying that she prayed a lot for me in the past
and never told me about that.
I told her that i will talk to her parents now and will tell them about
my reversion, she said nobody will believe me its useless. But now I
was very much aware of the power of Allah and I told her that I will try
my best to convince them. I talked to her mother regarding this but as
expected she didn't agree. By the time her entire family was knowing
about all this and she went through some really hard time when everyone
was cursing her and embarassing her emotionally for what she thought.
She was asked to marry some one of their choice for the sake of her
family's respect but she asked her parents to meet me once before
deciding on this. They continuosly refused but after a lot of efforts
and a condition that she will marry anyone of their choice if nothing
good turned out in the meeting, her mother agreed to meet me.
My friend's father (maulana) and few more people (all muslims) who came
to know me by that time told me that they will come with me to convince
her parents. The meeting took place and maulana uncle tried to explain
to her mother that I am a good person and he knows me for around one
and a half year, others also talked good about me but nothing was
impressive enough for her family members. At last her mother said that
if they (me and the girl) have decided on this then there is no use
discussing all this, she is left with no option but she won't be able to
sacrifice girl's father's honor and respect in the society for all this
and that girl's father will not be able to face so much humiliation
from the society, he is already too ill because of all this.
We came up with an idea that we will not disclose the fact that I am a
reverted muslim, to their relatives. Questions to be answered at this
1> how the nikah will be completed: maulana uncle took the responsibility of it.
2> what will be said to the people about me: some people said that
they will become my relatives and will participate in the marriage.
It was also suggested that I should leave the country and settle
somewhere else. Initially I was reluctant to it but looking at the
scenario in my own family as well, where they were afraid of this fact
being disclosed to my relatives that I am a muslim (since no one in my
family was happy with my reversion), I thought it would be a good option
to leave the country so that every one can be freed of this tension
till their heart accept me as a muslim. I left the country and with the
grace of almighty got a decent job outside my country.
Now my dear brothers and sisters we don't know what to do from here. how
the marriage can be conducted? because there are very few people who
may be able to participate in the marriage from my side and also this
is a big question that whether we will be able to hide my reality from
girl's relatives so that her parents can live peacefully. We don't want
this marriage at the cost of pain, illness and tensions to be left for
our parents. our parents now realize and say that our happiness is
important to them (though girl's father still hates me but he is ready
to extend his help in this matter) but we are not able to find a way out
of this. Please suggest us what can be done from here on.
I shall be thankful to you for this.
Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 30 April 2011 at 5:41pm
"Please suggest us what can be done from here on."
Wallahu Mustaan! How sad I feel for this girl's father. We send our daughters to college for an education and they become entangled in other pursuits. Her initial response upon knowing your desire for her was appropriate, and her subsequent keeping in touch with you was inappropriate. She is now suffering the consequences of her action. Having said that, my advice is that a girl should never be placed in a position of having to choose between her family and a man. Don't put her in this position. If her family will not happily accept this marriage, I advise you move on. It will be painful, but better now than later. Attempting to hide (moving abroad) and fabricate is complete nonsense in my estimation. How very sad indeed.
Posted By: Abdullah.
Date Posted: 08 May 2011 at 7:26am
Thanks for your response brother........indeed there is no justification
islamically for all that and we can not claim ourselves to be very
islamic but please consider following things:
1> It was initiated by me when I was a non muslim and the girl denied it.
2> Staying in touch was a part of the environment which we were in
and if we had had proper guidance at the right time then all that could
have been avoided. Because of our education system our parents also took
it lightly if we mail and chat with friends.
3> If some body (including the girl) had given me dawat of Islam, all
this might not had been required for me to pick up the holy Quran and
understand its meaning. Only after these events a question arised in my
mind about the authenticity of the religion and I started exploring it.
Her parents have all the rights in this world to doubt my reversion
because of the series of events that took place but they know me as a
muslim for last 3 years now and hence are beginning to develop some
trust on me (thats why they are agreeing now). Her father's hatred is
because its a matter of shame for him to talk to the so called lover of
his daughter but he knows that this marriage will make our life happy so
he is ready to extend all his help. Now the girl is not in a situation to choose between a man and her family because some trust had build up by the grace of almighty. If we think of marrying some one
else then we feel it to be an injustice to him/her as well. won't it be?
Now the main question is how can we marry by preserving our parents
respect at the same time? They want us to be happy now and we want them
to remain away from any sort of trouble.
Posted By: An0nymous
Date Posted: 28 July 2011 at 3:40pm
Assalamu alaykum Br. Abdullah
It's been a few months since you posted. How is everything? Sorry this community could not offer much help.
After reading your post, it seems the wisest thing to do is consult the Maulana about your delicate situation. He is knowledgable and is your well-wisher inshallah. There is always barakah in making mashwara (consulation) with an authentic, practicing Aalim. Rasoolullah SAW advised us that the one who makes mashwara as well as istikhaara (salat-ul-istikhaara) will not regret his decision. Additionally making mashwara is one of the qualities of the believers that Allah mentions in the Quran, in surah Shura.
This is a touchy, delicate situation and I don't want to give any advice that could make things worse. It's very important to consult with the right people. Remember, the Queen of Sheba accepted Islam by means of her good advisors, and the Pharoah rejected Islam by means of his advisors, who declared him as a god.
Ask Allah to guide you at every step of the way. Only Allah SWT can make our affairs easy for us.
Oh, and with regards to the comment about sending our daughters to college...as Mufti Ebrahim Desai said you can't put butter in an oven and expect it not to melt.
Keep in touch Br. Abdullah. May Allah make your matter easy for you, Ameen.