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Dealing with others

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups New Muslims
Forum Discription: Groups New Muslims
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=20274
Printed Date: 23 July 2014 at 3:47pm


Topic: Dealing with others
Posted By: still.learning
Subject: Dealing with others
Date Posted: 28 April 2011 at 2:59pm
Assalamu Alaikum,
Im new to Islam, I was introduced into Islam about 6 months by my then friend now husband. We married about 1 month ago but i am having difficulty with his friends and their wives.
 
We did not live together before our marriage and where we lived there was no mosque or any muslim sisters around to teach me salah. So for the first 5 months i did not do prayer, but i read Qur'an every day.
 
We moved to Spain and did our nikkah here the day we arrived. Thats when i first met his friends. Two days after our marriage we all had lunch and us woman went into the bedroom while the men ate. they speak very little english and i speak no urdu.
 
One lady turned to me and asked if i have done namaz. i said no i have not learnt.
she got mad and stood up and we followed and she went and asked my husband why i have not done namaz (i know because he told me after, anyway, i know my name and the word namaz and people looking at me)
 
Why did she say infront of everyone?
now when i say salam no one says it back unless my husband is around.
I feel so embarressed, now i feel they dont even consider me a muslim or a friend even now 1 month has passed.
The day after we had lunch again and she walked in infront of everyone and pointed at me and said "Im mad at you"
I did not ask her why, again, i was embarrassed.
 
Also before our nikkah the women asked me to repeat the first 2 kalimas, i did, and they said no wrong and told me their version.
i later found out from my husband and his sisters on the phone that what i said was right and theirs was wrong.
 
I also have my husbands family and his friends and wives telling me to learn urdu so i can talk to them. I have alot to learn about Islam, Arabic, Spanish (so i can work), adjusting to a new country, house and marriage, visas, legal papers and urdu.  its only been 1 month.
 
How to talk to everyone when i feel so belittled?
 
There is only so much i can learn at a time.
Inshallah Allah will guide me through
Allah knows best



Replies:
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 28 April 2011 at 9:48pm
Originally posted by still.learning

Assalamu Alaikum,
Im new to Islam, I was introduced into Islam about 6 months by my then friend now husband. We married about 1 month ago but i am having difficulty with his friends and their wives.


Wa'alaikum salaam Sister,

Welcome to Islam! (Hug). What you are facing is nothing new... Like somebody once said, the biggest trial a New Muslim faces are other muslims...  
 

One lady turned to me and asked if i have done namaz. i said no i have not learnt.
she got mad and stood up and we followed and she went and asked my husband why i have not done namaz (i know because he told me after, anyway, i know my name and the word namaz and people looking at me)


Clearly these ladies need a refresher course in Sunnah & Islamic etiquette.

It really really makes me mad when people act all holier-than-thou, and be judgmental... especially to new muslims. Islam and its tenets were revealed over a period of time so that the muslims of the time could adjust and learn. It is not something can be implemented in one go! Why don't people realize that it can  be overwhelming! Rather then help new muslims, we overwhelm them with do this, do that.. do it right...
 
Why did she say infront of everyone?


Um, because she clearly has issues... and lacks etiquette. I donno, I don't wanna go into that. However, don't take it to heart Sis! I don't know much about the background of these 'sisters' and I myself am being judgmental...  but I would guess that they are probably not very educated, or exposed. There are all sorts of people... one needs to have a thick skin in order to survive.


now when i say salam no one says it back unless my husband is around.
I feel so embarressed, now i feel they dont even consider me a muslim or a friend even now 1 month has passed.


Well Sis.. You didn't accept Islam for the world, or people... You accepted Islam for your sake and Allah's. (I hope inshAllah). So you should not care if they consider you a muslim or not. You try your best, at your own pace... and you shouldn't be trying to gain acceptance around them if they are rude and impolite.


The day after we had lunch again and she walked in infront of everyone and pointed at me and said "Im mad at you"
I did not ask her why, again, i was embarrassed.


Angry

Ok, since I am sitting... I need to lie down - (that's what how we're supposed to deal with anger in Sunnah. :p )

DON'T FEEL EMBARRASSED SISTER! I would feel embarrassed for the sister whose 'mad at you'.
 
Also before our nikkah the women asked me to repeat the first 2 kalimas, i did, and they said no wrong and told me their version.
i later found out from my husband and his sisters on the phone that what i said was right and theirs was wrong.


Thank God it was not me in your place. I would have said, 'Mind your own business sister'.

If you feel you want to check up on the Kalimas, feel free to do your research Sis. Arm yourself with knowledge and faith. In Pakistan we are taught 'Six Kalimas' of faith... however I'm not entirely sure whether we are supposed to know them by heart according to Sunnah or not. Hopefully someone can elaborate. As a Muslim, if you have said and believed in the following  Kalimat, then you are a Muslim alhamdulilah:

Kalima Shahadah (Testification)

'Ash-hadu 'an laa'i-laa-ha 'il-lal-laa-hu
I testify that there is none worthy of worship besides Allah

wa 'ash-ha-du 'anna mu-ham-ma-dan 'ab-du-hoo wa ra-soo-luh
And I testify that Muhammad (Sallallaho-Alaihe-Wa-Sallam) is Allah's worshipper and messenger.




I also have my husbands family and his friends and wives telling me to learn urdu so i can talk to them. I have alot to learn about Islam, Arabic, Spanish (so i can work), adjusting to a new country, house and marriage, visas, legal papers and urdu.  its only been 1 month.


So I'm assuming your in-laws are either Indians or Pakistani.

Well Sis.. I would think its a bit unreasonable to expect a new muslim to not only learn Islam..  but to learn their mother tongue as well! You will be learning some Arabic verses anyway - so I think Urdu at the same time would be quite overwhelming. I assume you communicate in English... I suggest you continue to do that until you feel you have enough time/energy to start learning a new language.

You could very nicely and politely tell them 'Oh Yeah sure I'll give it a try'... and then take your time and pace. Don't feel pressured. (I bet next they're gonna ask you to learn how to make biryani....). I am sure inshAllah you'll be picking up on urdu words anyway. Its a bit similar to Arabic btw. Your husband could teach you a word-a-day. Could be a nice bonding experience. I hope your husband is nice and understanding inshAllah. Where is he in the picture? Does he support you?


How to talk to everyone when i feel so belittled?



Well Sis... my advise would be to ignore the belittlers. Just be yourself.. you don't have to cut them off or show you're annoyed. Just stay calm and composed. Don't feel like you have to win them over... Its gonna be tough. A lot of people are suspicious of foreigners, especially of inter-cultural marriages.

You shouldn't rely too much on them as your support-group. You can go out and find your own group of friends, your own clique. You can be nice and civil to your husband's friends' wives. But you don't have to be BFFs! A good way to meet other sisters who are nicer, would be through your local mosque, islamic events... Join a language class (Arabic?) and I bet you'll meet other converts or nationalities there to learn arabic. Make friends with them, have Halal-Sister-Fun-Times with them. Don't isolate yourself and think that ur husband's family n friends are your only social acquaintances. Find like-minded people.

I really do feel for you Sister. Hang in there, inshAllah in time you shall adjust and maybe Allah gives hidayah to those sisters. Meanwhile cheer-up and focus on yourself. Can't be smooth-sailing in the beginning.

Take Care!



-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: still.learning
Date Posted: 29 April 2011 at 7:29am
Assalamu Alaikum,
Thanks for your reply, funny enough i was actually making briyani at the time haha.. yes they are Pakistanis.
Seems im turning more pakistani than my ol' New zealand self, hey, the way things are going i wont even be speaking english!
 
My husband is awesome, most of the time. There are things which we both are having difficulty with eachother about but that is to be expected this early on in marriage. I wont sugar coat it.
yesterday he asked me why i am not wise. I answered im not old let me learn. he said he knows im young and still have alot to learn thats why he doesnt get mad at me.Smile
He doesnt teach me alot sadly, but he has good reasons, one being his cousin died last week, horribly sick the week before and also trying to get our marriage papers from the imam and government here.
just no time to learn or teach.
inshallah things will get easier for him.
 
Like you said, dont take things to heart, i pray to Allah to help me and other muslims stronger in faith
One thing happened before our marriage which i think about often
Once my husband moved here (spain) and lived with his friends , all pakistanis born into muslim families, on the phone one night he told me to be quiet.
he overheard his "friends" in the other room talking about us.
My husband said they were betting on how long our marriage was going to last. they think 4 month - 1 year, and they said that i would leave my husband.
I started yelling and crying telling my husband to go tell them to read the Quran, only Allah knows the future, how dare they say such things about their friend behind his back, they cant judge they dont even know my last name, only Allah knows all, even we dont know how long it will last.
inshallah Allah will forgive them for what they said
 
Then i realised they said i would leave him, maybe because i am new to Islam? I'm a westerner?
I dont know, i just say salam and offer food and drinks when they come in the house, i need say no more to them.
I love Islam.
I should forgive and forget about what people say but when something that harsh is said I cant help but think about it.
 
Inshallah Allah will guide all muslims and help us become stronger in faith.
 


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 30 April 2011 at 8:30am
Originally posted by still.learning

Assalamu Alaikum,
Thanks for your reply, funny enough i was actually making briyani at the time haha.. yes they are Pakistanis.


Wa'alaikum salaam Sis. Biryani! My, my.. you are on your way to becoming an honorary Pakistani.. mashAllah Wink

Seems im turning more pakistani than my ol' New zealand self, hey, the way things are going i wont even be speaking english!


Naturally the environment we live in has an effect on us. :-)
Its all good as long as we are enjoying the change and absorbing it willingly. Don't let go of your New Zealand roots though! The beauty of Islam is that it has no borders, no limitations of ethnicities and is universal. SubhanAllah.
 
My husband is awesome, most of the time. There are things which we both are having difficulty with eachother about but that is to be expected this early on in marriage. I wont sugar coat it.
yesterday he asked me why i am not wise. I answered im not old let me learn. he said he knows im young and still have alot to learn thats why he doesnt get mad at me.Smile


Alhamdulilah that is great Sister! As long as the spouses support each other and are understanding, all hurdles can be simple and easy. If the spouses are there for each other,  then inshAllah it doesn't  matter whatever everybody else says. Good answer from you side! Yup everybody always says that the initial years are the toughest etc. Maybe you should surf this website, it has very good articles on marriage and family. The Imam, Suhaib Webb is mashAllah very eloquent.

http://www.suhaibwebb.com/category/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/ - http://www.suhaibwebb.com/category/relationships/marriage-family/beforemarriage/


He doesnt teach me alot sadly, but he has good reasons, one being his cousin died last week, horribly sick the week before and also trying to get our marriage papers from the imam and government here.
just no time to learn or teach.
inshallah things will get easier for him.


Well naturally since hes busy and you understand - that's all fine. It was a mere suggestion on my part. You can learn on your own too infact.
 
Like you said, dont take things to heart, i pray to Allah to help me and other muslims stronger in faith


inshAllah Sister! Continue making dua! Ameen!

One thing happened before our marriage which i think about often
Once my husband moved here (spain) and lived with his friends , all pakistanis born into muslim families, on the phone one night he told me to be quiet.
he overheard his "friends" in the other room talking about us.
My husband said they were betting on how long our marriage was going to last. they think 4 month - 1 year, and they said that i would leave my husband.
I started yelling and crying telling my husband to go tell them to read the Quran, only Allah knows the future, how dare they say such things about their friend behind his back, they cant judge they dont even know my last name, only Allah knows all, even we dont know how long it will last.


Unfortunately Sis, everybody loves to gossip. And inter-cultural marriages can really be talk of the town... they become like a celebrity-couple, people scrutinizing each move, each fault. Offering unwarranted advise etc.

Don't you worry about all that. There is enough pressure for newlyweds anyway, without people jumping in with their expectations and predictions. Seriously, just turn a deaf ear to all that. Only Allah knows the future, and one should have firm faith in Allah and the destiny He ordained for us.

Then i realised they said i would leave him, maybe because i am new to Islam? I'm a westerner?
I dont know, i just say salam and offer food and drinks when they come in the house, i need say no more to them.
I love Islam.
I should forgive and forget about what people say but when something that harsh is said I cant help but think about it.
 
Inshallah Allah will guide all muslims and help us become stronger in faith.
 


Its just the inter-cultural aspect. Cultural differences can sometimes have an impact on silly little things... so people question inter-cultural marriages. Especially in a country like Pakistan where marriage is often b/w families and relatives, and even within Pakistanis people are choosy about background and ethnicity. Ofcourse Islam is superior to geographical culture - and if inter-cultural marriages were bound to fail, they would not have been allowed nor would they have been practised by the Prophet or his companions! So think of it this way - there is no such superstition or aspect in Islam against intercultural marriages, which means they have just as much a chance in any marriage. Allah has destined a spouse for each one of us, either in duniya or aakhirah. It is up to us to have firm faith and belief. And good hopes!

May Allah bless you and your family and ease your troubles.




-------------
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: An0nymous
Date Posted: 23 May 2011 at 12:40am
Salam sister,
Just read this and wanted to say that may Allah (SWT) make it easy for you and strengthen you. The difficulty you are experiencing right now is just a means of strengthening you. Only by undergoing difficulty and sacrifice for the sake of Allah will our faith become stronger and more firm. The reason why these people made fun of you is that their hearts are diseased; they did not undergo any kind of difficulty for the sake of Islam and therefore do not appreciate Islam. Because they don't appreciate the blessings of Islam, they don't practice Islam.
This, in a nutshell, is why we often find convert Muslims to be stronger than born Muslims. It's because of they difficulty they faced in coming to Islam. A person who comes into Islam with great hardship will stay firm on it, insha'Allah. But a person who comes into Islam with great ease may also leave it with great ease.
Insha'Allah you will one day look back and appreciate the difficulties you went through during these early stages.


Posted By: Sumayyah
Date Posted: 23 July 2011 at 3:51pm
Sallam Sister,
 
I hope Inshallah you are in the best of health and iman, and welcome to Islam. I was reallly shocked to read your story about having problems with your husbands friends wifes. Who do these women think they are, especially the one that is 'mad at you'? Do they not know that Allah (swt) alone is the only judge. In fact they should be offering to assist you with any help you may need. Sister, some people love to think of themselves as 'religious' and do certain religious acts around people to simply show off, and clearly think this is a great characteristic of a muslim, when in fact it is not.  Remember, Allah knows everyones intentions. May Allah (swt) keep us all in good companyalways and around sincere Muslims always, so we can help each other earn the pleasure of Allah (swt) and earn
Paradise.
 
Amen.Big%20smile
Wa 'salam
 
Your sister Sumayyah



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