Am I or Am I not still his wife?
Printed From: IslamiCity.org
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
Printed Date: 29 August 2016 at 6:00am
Topic: Am I or Am I not still his wife?
Posted By: Miss Z
Subject: Am I or Am I not still his wife?
Date Posted: 27 April 2011 at 8:38am
Assalamualikum to all brothers and sisters in this forum. I would love to get an insight and advise from all of you regarding to my marriage.
My husband and I have been marriage for five years now. It has been ups and down and mostly down. we have so many issues that need to be worked on. I honestly admit that I am such a lousy wife. My inability to keep the house clean has became the main issue in our marriage. It is not like I didn't try, I did but somehow the house is so messy. I am lazy when it comes to clean up the house but not when it comes to other things like cook for him.
In the early years of our marriage, I have no problem about cleaning and the house is indeed very clean but then ever since we moved in to my parent's house, I became more lazy to clean up. I mean I do the house chores but does not seem to make any difference. Once I finish cleaning up the house, it will be messy again in matter of hours. We have 4 year old son who often mess up the house.
He has severe depression and PTSD and he has taken meds to control his
panic disorder. It is difficult to live with him. no matter what step I
make, I always fall in the same hole. because of his condition, he rarely goes out. he prefer stays inside the house even he hates me so much. he gets angry so easy even for small things. he yells, he screams, and he swears every time he gets angry. If I do sth that really makes him angry, he does not hesitate to insult me and belittle me. And the worst part is, If I dont obey him, he always give me "talaq"
I dont know how many talaq he has given me even though I know for sure a husband has only three talaq to give to his wife. There is a debate between me and him when it comes to this matter.
He does not believe that the talaq he gave me is counted because he is angry but I do believe it is. Because most of the time, he always said "I hope that talaq is counted". I am just tired of debating this matter because I show him the hadith I have and he shows the hadith he has. It is really confusing. My family thinks that the talaq does count because he is fully aware when he said it. Well, sometime he admits that he is aware to say the talaq because he said that is his way to punish me for not obeying him. other time, he does not remember about saying the talaq.
About two months ago, he texted all my classmate about he is going to divorce me because I am too lazy to wash his clothes (while in fact his clothes are washed, I just didnt put it in the closet yet and I already told him where they are). My friends, family and my lecture received his text message saying that he is going to divorce me and his facebook status he announced that he is divorcing me and his status is divorced.
the recent incident is he found out about my facebook saying "I finally found the love of my life". st**id remark I made. Ever since he told all my friends and family that he is going to divorce me, I told some of my friend which happen to be male that I am in the middle of divorce. He is also been through the same thing few months earlier. so he tries to help me out with some stuff. We become very close. I dont meet him in person, we only talk via messenger or emails. Nothing personal really. I know it is sin to do sth like this and I ask Allah for forgiveness but really nothing is going on.
He called up his friends and telling them that I cheated on him (May Allah forgive me If I did). and his friend advised him to divorce me. So when we were in his friend's house, he called up two witnesses so he can divorce me but I said I had my period so he cannot. but he careless, he told the guy he wanted to divorce me anyway.
One day after that, he came back to the house and want to work on the marriage but I told him that I want to go ahead with the divorce. He gets so angry that he pulled the knife on me, Alhamdulillah the bed is the victim of the stab not me. He said the reason I want to get divorce because I have my boyfriend while in fact that is not the reason why. I just cannot handle living with him anymore. I dont want to be in the marriage where I am not sure 100% if I am still his wife. and the years I am with him, he always told me how he regretted about marrying me while he could marry someone prettier than me and he told me that his friends are agreed that he is fool for marrying me instead the girl he wants.
I just cannot handle it anymore, he abuse me emotionally and make me feel guilty about everything. he accused me of abusing him and maybe I did. I just dont know what to do anymore. I just want out from this marriage but he resent it. One day he wants out, another day he wants in. What should I do?
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 29 April 2011 at 10:34am
Sorry to hear about your struggles sister.
if as you say he is suffering from PTSD and has pulled a knife on you, this is a potentially dangerous situation. He needs some help if this is the case. He may not get it.
One thing that can be beneficial is to have both families sit down together. Not sure if this is possible with your families, but it may be an option. One thing is to sit down and talk about WHY you/he would stay in this marriage. Of course it may be easier said than done.
Often if someone has PTSD they often cannot handle stress along with that fact that they are going through this "disorder" and its complex and dominates one's life.
As far as whether the talaq are "legitimate" that needs to be answered by a scholar.
When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
Posted By: Miss Z
Date Posted: 01 May 2011 at 4:30am
My family wants me to ask for divorce because they fear of my life. His sister advised me years before that I should get divorce and leave him because he is becoming potentially unsaved to be with. I told him that I want a divorce but he still does not want to divorce me.
Posted By: semar
Date Posted: 02 May 2011 at 12:16am
If he don't fulfill his responsibility as husband, divorce is no longer up-to him. I think you can go to sharia court to get divorce with this argument. Protecting marriage doesn't mean accept abusive, violent and other irresponsible behavior.
The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full"
"1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"
Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 02 May 2011 at 2:39am
Yeah you should definitely take immediate action and consult a scholar/imam/mufti regarding this situation. Talaaq is such a serious issue that often scholars say that the mere utterance of 'Talaaq' counts, even if the person says I didn't mean it. However maybe his mental condition would be considered in the fatwa.
You may also want to evaluate your marital situation and decide if staying married to him is wise....
All the best,
"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
Posted By: anonymous70
Date Posted: 02 May 2011 at 4:40pm
Well your story sounds alot for you to be dealing with.I would suggest talking to your husband and telling him how you feel.And if you really feel no way out then do what you believe is right from your heart and mind.And if you didnt do anything wrong and hes accusing you of all these bad things then let allah judge him,and inshallah maybe he will change if not then I wish you the best of luck.
Posted By: iec786
Date Posted: 06 February 2012 at 1:59pm
He does not believe that the talaq he gave me is counted because he is angry but I do believe it is. Because most of the time, he always said "I hope talaq is counted".
My dear sister no person ever gives a talaq when he is happy.He has fired all his bullets and your marriage to him is over.You are living in zina and you should get hold of an Alim in your area and speak to him immediately and you need to observe the idda.bb