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marriage problem

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Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
Printed Date: 22 June 2018 at 1:51pm
Software Version: Web Wiz Forums 8.04 -

Topic: marriage problem
Posted By: abdi80
Subject: marriage problem
Date Posted: 24 November 2010 at 4:12pm

Salaam Aleikum,

I have problem and I hope you can help me with the help of guidance from the Quran and Sunnah

I want to get married and my parents want me to marry but they wont accept the girl i want to marry becuase she is

from a different tribe. She is a good person and religious and we are really compatible. I have tried and tried to speak

with them  but to no avail. I dont think i will ever recover from this becuase soon or later the girl will go. She cant wait

for me forever as its not fair on her. Her family is ready and she wants to marry me as well. It is mutual. I have given

up with regards to my parents. What does the shariah say about this?? The girl wont marry me unless my parents are

involved. I have not told her the sticking point is her tribe. I think that would hurt her. Please advise  but as I said the

talking is over and to no avail.I have even used my relatives and they have not succeeded

Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 01 December 2010 at 11:44am

Generally we are taught to obey are parents, and not make  them upsets. The girl is VERY wise not to do this without their consent. Her life would be really unpleasant probably.

And people have their "tribe" mentality especially if you do not.

I wish I had more to offer you. It is hard. I think you COULD Islamically marry her, but honestly, i would be hard. Especially hard on her. The chances of her being accepted by your family is hard. And any decent, religious person, will avoid coming between their spouse and his or her parents.

Keep us posted..

My duas for you

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

Posted By: abdi80
Date Posted: 02 December 2010 at 2:21pm
Thank you.  I agree that it is wise from her point of view, plus she is a woman.  Guy's can sometimes do it.But you said .*People have there tribe mentality*. I think that is where the problems lies. If two people meet and want each other and the vital condition of islam, is established, where both parties carry out there religious duties and the family is a good family, there should be nothing else to look for. Well i hope my parents come to there senses. There is nothing else to do. Thanks again. God bless you.

Posted By: abdi80
Date Posted: 02 December 2010 at 2:24pm
Strictly speaking, i have done nothing wrong. I really have not upset them. If anything, i 'm carrying out a sunnah of the prophet and fulfilling all the conditions. If anything the burden is on them, as they deep down they know, they are wrong.  So i dont think the question of upseting parents comes into it. If anything i have read some fatwas where it is permissable for a person to marry in this cirucmstances but generally it is recommended that parents are onboard as it makes things much easier and the coming together of two families.

Posted By: shillong
Date Posted: 03 December 2010 at 6:16am
I think nothing should come in between love I mean when you really love a person so much that you cannot be without him or her than you should follow what your heart says.

Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 04 December 2010 at 4:19am
I agree the tribe mentality is a problem if it becomes more important than Islam.

How old are your parents? You say you live in the UK, where are they from if I may ask. Often it is difficult across time and space. Say young people grow up in the US, they see nothing wrong with marrying "out of tribe" because their concept of "tribe" is different. They may have friends from all over the world. Whereas their parents grew up and live in a different time and place.

My duas for you.

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

Posted By: abdi80
Date Posted: 05 December 2010 at 9:05am
Md dad is 63, and my mum is in her 50's. However my dad is an educated person - former dentist and you would have thought he would know better at least. Its ok. My worry is that no one has contacted the girl's family yet and its been 2 months now.
I will contact a sheikh and request him to come with me home and try and help me. I dont understand why people would make such straightforward thing difficult. It is beyond me.

Posted By: abdi80
Date Posted: 05 December 2010 at 9:08am

My parents are from somalia and so I'm I. But we are well travelled anyway. We have lived in Suadi, Kenya and and uk for the last 10 years. But it should not matter anyway, they should know better.

The thing is some parents are stuck on this thing and some aren't. Maybe I'm unlucky.

Posted By: sarina
Date Posted: 10 January 2011 at 1:45pm
Salaam to everyone
Firstly brother may Allah S.W.T make it all easy for you...
What I think is, it is very important to respect our parents and look after them and not hurt them, and obey what they say as long as its in the path of islamic guidence that Allah S.W.T has told as to follow. In my opinion if you are chosing to marry a good muslim women who will support you to become a better muslim, and she herself is follwing the giudence of islam of how to be a good muslim women then there's no reason for objection from you're parents, and if they do then you can try to convince them as we all no it is very important to have our parents blessings upon us, and if that doesnt work then you should marry her, because you're parents dont have a good enough reason to not accept her. Hope this helps inshallah make dua to Allah S.W.T to guide you and help you make the right decision. Below I have pasted something which i came across when i done research on this topic hope this helps:
"The eminent Muslim scholar, Dr. `Abdel-Fattah Idrees, Professor of Comparative Jurisprudence at Al-Azhar Univ., adds:

“Taking the permission of one's parents to marry a particular woman is not obligatory in Islam if the man is sane and has reached puberty. So if a man is sane and of age, and wishes to marry a woman whom he sees to be good and righteous, then he has the right to marry her even though his parents disagree with the marriage. But he must respect his parents and clarify his point of view regarding this marriage. This is done to prevent severing family ties.”


Posted By: pure_columbian
Date Posted: 12 January 2011 at 4:08am

I think the most important thing is that you and your wife to be are muslim and are following Islam. Your parents are in the wrong with their tribe mentality.

One of the biggest obstacles facing muslims today is this misguided tribe mentality thinking. It is this which is preventing unity between us.  Where people put the region or tribe they come from ahead of being a muslim.
After all in Islam there is no black, white, yellow, pink or green, or Indian, pakistani, arab, english, chinese, etc etc, Either you are a muslim or you are not.

Posted By: semar
Date Posted: 12 January 2011 at 9:37am
Don't be wrong, yes marriage is very important part in Islam, it says "half of the religion". We need to try as much as possible to make it work.  And yes divorce is a "halal thing" but hated by Allah. However avoiding abuse and protecting live from danger  are much-much more important than marriage. Allah much-much more hate "abuse" compare to divorce.
Sometime we make mistake in prioritize things. So, again, in this case avoiding abuse and protecting live from danger  are have much higher priority and protecting your marriage.

The Prophet said: "Do not eat before you are hungry, and stop eating before you are full"
"1/3 of your stomach for food 1/3 for water, 1/3 for air"

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