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A question for brothers

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Men (Brothers)
Forum Discription: Groups Men (Brothers)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=16978
Printed Date: 21 December 2014 at 7:14am


Topic: A question for brothers
Posted By: farheenfatima
Subject: A question for brothers
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 10:09pm
Assalamalaikum,

I would like to know an honest opinion regarding an important issue.......so pls its a request that give straightforward,true answers.

Question: Does this man feel guilt/hurt/fear/ rather any emotion OR is it possible that a man (created by Allah as human being) does not have any raham/kindness in his heart nd just can be called a stone hearted creature?

Yeah.....i'm writing now about 'that man' so pls take out some time to read the below given story which is unfortunately nd miraculously true nd Allah taala knows best regarding why it happened....

A man involves his mother&sister to approach a girl nd its family....the mother visits the family nd says that she likes the girl nd would want to take the matter further.........then in abt 2 months of time girl nd its family comes to know that the man had a wife nd son nd she had taken khula due to differences between the man nd his wife........so girl's family does not want to communicate anything nd leave the matter. BUT the man keeps on insisting nd his mother assures that since divorce has taken place her son has right to marry another girl nd both of them literally BEG by saying that the son needs to marry nd this girl would be 100% suitable nd they hav done istikhaara. the mother sweet talks parents by assuring that she would keep the girl as her own daughter nd the son cries saying that his ex wife as arrogant nd adamant nd has given him lot of pain so now he wants to live a peacful life nd after seeing the girl he has got feelings for her nd has asked dua at masjid e nabawi to make this girl khair for her. girls family does not agree (which is obvious as no parents wud like to give their daughter to a divorcee)Moither nd son keep calling nd crying for 8 months nd insist that its the right match nd literally it can be said that they tried as best as any human can to get the girl married to this man.........well so then almost 10 to 11 months later girl's family comes to the conclusion that this might be taqdeer/fate as they keep trying so much nd want this alliance to happen.

So finally the marriage took place...nd anybody could guess that this was happy ending BUT BUT BUT

From the first day of married life, the girl gets shocks after shocks.........bec the man behaves as if he had got a slave now who he owns nd the mother in law who had all the sweet words in the world b4 marriage suddenly turns into a monster who just feels so insecure nd believes that the girl is going to rob her son from her!

This man who cried nd behaved so well just to get married nd had promised so much to her parents that he wud keep her so happy etc etc etc does not want to communicate with her parents or any family members. He just kept taunting the girl hurting her in every possible way he could nd encouraged his mother nd sisters to do the same.................the girl does not know wat's going on.....feels like she will go insane nd tries to know the reason for the change in behaviour.....she asks but get only taunts nd bad words in retun........finally after 3 months of this hell the man goes abroad saying that he got a job there nd promises to send visa for his wife within a month. The girl stays along with his mother nd sister but u people can guess how her life would have become...they increased the torture nd then a situation arises where the girl if not given medication nd care could DIE or atleast landup in mental asylum in a day or two. BUT Allah taala helps the innocent nd favours truth........HE helps nd the girl leaves the place .......

BUT again there is a twist, they all had done this to her so that she runs away because as soon as they know that she is gone the man calls nd tells the girl to send a khula nd he is ready to sign it............
(let me add here that for 3 months he just took pleasure from the wife by demanding his rights from her.......sorry for saying all this but it is important so i mentioned here)

So pls give ur opinion here whether such a man can be called human nd has he got a heart? wat abt his mother nd sister...they are women too but they behaved so badly with other women nd encouraged her son nd brother to just satisfy his animal instincts nd then leave the girl!

I just want to know why do people do just things? Why? why? nd why? are they really stone hearted?
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Replies:
Posted By: nu001
Date Posted: 22 June 2010 at 11:28pm
Originally posted by farheenfatima

Assalamalaikum,

I would like to know an honest opinion regarding an important issue.......so pls its a request that give straightforward,true answers.

Question: Does this man feel guilt/hurt/fear/ rather any emotion OR is it possible that a man (created by Allah as human being) does not have any raham/kindness in his heart nd just can be called a stone hearted creature?
.......................................
I just want to know why do people do just things? Why? why? nd why? are they really stone hearted?
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Ans to Q 1: Was the mother in law a man? if not then the question and it's premise is illogical
 
Ans to Q 2: Taken over by Greed (Satan/Iblish), for reasons Allah knows best


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"Al-Quran-The only Straight path to success. Alhamdulillah"


Posted By: farheenfatima
Date Posted: 23 June 2010 at 2:24am
How can mother in law be a man? ofcourse she is a woman.....was that so tough to understand??

ok so let me make the questions a bit more specific.

1)Does a man (husband in the story written)feel bad or guilty after cheating (ref the story written).

2)Is it so easy for men to forget nd move on to another relationship?

3)Wat do u all(esp all the brothers here) think about the personality/character of the man i.e husband mentioned in the story? and

4)what should the girl do in such a scenario?


Posted By: Gibbs
Date Posted: 25 June 2010 at 9:15am
Your questions are all somewhat interrelated and so without reading the story I can answer it. Just to warn you I'm no "brother" (Muslim). As far as infidelity is concerned the mind of a cheater varies person to person. Some men cheat because of proximity that is, because the people he cheats with are close and available. Some men cheat because they cannot commit to one woman. Some men cheat because of excitement and the thrill of getting caught.

The one thing they all have in common is that there is a lack of forethought in behavior especially the repercussions of pain and hurt for their significant other. So in the case of answering one of your questions does the man feel shame or guilt? Maybe after its done or better yet he feels shame when he gets caught. When men cheat there is a temporary forgetfulness while they're cheating but it also depends if they're continuously doing it then they totally disregard their marriage. Even using the story its hard to say what's in the mind of a man.

As for the woman and what she should do. If this was an honest mistake they should both go to a marriage counselor. If he continually cheats on her then their relationship is too toxic for them to stay together. That is my opinion.


Posted By: Sign*Reader
Date Posted: 25 June 2010 at 9:55pm
Originally posted by farheenfatima



1)Does a man (husband in the story written)feel bad or guilty after cheating (ref the story written).

2)Is it so easy for men to forget nd move on to another relationship?

3)Wat do u all(esp all the brothers here) think about the personality/character of the man i.e husband mentioned in the story? and

4)what should the girl do in such a scenario?


Salaam
You fool me once shame on you; you fool me again shame on me! If the Man had taken a Khulla previously...RED FLAG
Stop sign!
You run a stop sign, there is a good chance of mess and that is what they have!

Now let me get some facts straight!

What did she get as Mehr?

As you have mentioned in original post about Masjid Nabvi I reckon this happened in Madina Saudi Arabia! if not where? Some where in subcontinent that is my guess where the arranged marriages take place also!

Q 1 & 2: The world is pretty messed these days with all the unearned freedoms ! BTW the marriage is not relationship!
I would hold the girls and man's parents more responsible for creating this mess! This is called a ghetto mentality man fathering and moving on! It is more a case of immaturity and backwardness!
With the information of "khula" about the man and having son  I wouldn't even shake hand with a man much less give the hand of my daughter or any one I care about. Period...A Muslim is not the one who say I am but the one who practices what Islam stands for ...The person in story are plentiful all over the world, if he is what you described I think it is matter of time that the rope he is running with will hang himself...

The marriage is a contract under the Quraanic rules and no one is supposed to be part of any contract under duress!
No matter how adamant was the man or his family it shows desperation on the  girl's side! When ever any decision is made in desperation it always is a disaster!

Q # 3 There is always a possibility the man could have sadist tendencies! Poor brought up and education!
Some men and some women are not marriage material! We don't have the details to make a call. We don't know the education or family backgrounds etc.

Q #4: Why did the girl agree to marry a divorced dad? if it was the family decision then they need to get her back and support her, take care of therapy, education till she decides the next time ...
It happens and it is hard but still it is not end of the world...Need to have lot more data to advice than what we have now!
So far she is concerned she needs to discuss the "Khulla" thing with her Waqeel/attorney and may pay back some of the Mehr cuz that is the key what did she get as Mehr? But as you said he expects for Khulla that needs the court intervention...It is quite obvious!


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Kismet Domino: Faith/Courage/Liberty/Abundance/Selfishness/Immorality/Apathy/Bondage or extinction.


Posted By: farheenfatima
Date Posted: 25 June 2010 at 11:55pm
Assalamalaikum,

Thanks Gibbs and sign in reader for ur opinion/advice.

For Gibbs:
1)Cheating has been done not just by the man but his whole family supported him in ruining/messing up the life of a girl for their own selfish gains.

For Sign in reader:

1)A small amt of mehr was given for formality sake.
2)The expenditure borne by girl's family was too huge as the marriage ceremony etc was grand one ........(So, its not just great emotional loss for the girl nd her family but great financial loss too:()(yeah, it is real blunder/mess but when an old woman who shows that she prays 5 times + nafeel nd sits for aitekaaf during Ramzaan nd behaves as if she is a perfect example of 'mother' one does not have an option but to TRUST her....nd that is what was done by girl's parents. Later on she changed colour which was a great SHOCK).
3)It is UPBRINGING and FAMILY VALUES (islam puts great importance on these virtues).....The man's upbringing has been done is such a manner that he is constantly reminded that he is the 'MAN' who can do whatever he wishes nd wants & can play with womens' lives just BECAUSE his 'MOM' believes that ' A man can have as many wives as he wishes to satify is animal instincts and that he should keep travelling nd moving on leaving behind the women he marries after spending a few days/months of 'enjoyment'.

4)Now WHATEVER HAS OCCURRED/DONE HAS BEEN DONE AND IT CANNOT BE UNDONE. So, there is no use of regret EXCEPT that a LESSON can be learnt by many about how not to TRUST EASILY.

5)My question remains unanswered
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i.e: Can a man be so heartless? And afterall men are also 'humans' with heart and emotions..........how can someone be so stone like or without humanity that they dont feel any pain/hurt and instead feel happy at the cost of others pain/suffering?

May Allah subhanahuwataala in the sadaqa of our prophet bless him nd his family nd all such people who enjoy being sadist and make them walk on straight path or siraatul mustakheem.....nd give courage nd strength to the girl nd her family to move on positively..Aameen.





Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 9:24am

dear sister,

All men are not alike,there are such cases,now if you take my case,i did nothing to my ex wife,did whatever she said,and she left me with a very cruel manner.read my post 'I wanna save my marraige' in family matters section when she left me even i thought how can a girl be so cruel.

 
so just pray allah that our daughters and sons and brother sisters get good relegious spouse.dear sister nobody can predict how the prospect will be after marraige so just do dua that this victim get good partner next.only allah can do things right no one else.we can only try.
 
by way of dua in sadka of mohammed s.a.w i feel u r from the sub continenet india pak or bangaladesh,such things are too much in our country.anyways just ask dua dont ask dua in prophet sadqa its bidaa.
 
regards'
Faisal
 
 
 
 


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 9:51am
Brother fais,

I am pleased for you that you have moved on and have been able to get over your ex-wife. I believe I said that to you some months back. Time is indeed a great healer.

Salam



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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 11:35pm

SALAM SISTER MARTHA,

YOUR ADVISES WERE  REALLY HELPFULL TO ME IN MY DIFFICULT TIMES,JUST PRAY THAT I GET VISA FOR MY WIFE,SHE IS SO UPSET THAT I AM NOT ABLE TO CALL HER TO SAUDI,INSHA ALLAH SOON I WILL CALL HER AND FINALLY WILL START A REAL FAMILY LIFE.


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 14 July 2010 at 1:19am
Walaikum assalam Fais,

I will certainly pray that your new wife can join you soon.
Separation can be really difficult and yes, you and your wife will be happy to start really family life with little ones around.
Work hard and be happy.




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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 14 July 2010 at 9:18am

SALAM MARTHA

THNX SISTER,U KNW MY NEW WIFE'S NAME IS ALSO SAME AND HER FATHER'S NAME IS ALSO SAME IN FACT HER UNCLE NAME IS ALSO SAME,WHAT A CO INCIDENT OF MY LIFE.

THHNX FOR UR DUA

REGARDS

FAISAL



Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 10 August 2010 at 11:53pm
Salam and Ramdan kareem to all and dear sister Martha.
 
thnx for the dua,i really love when some do dua for me for kids,jazakallahu khair.may allah bless you in this holy month of Ramadan
 
Regards
Faisal



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