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Would you marry a women with a child?

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Men (Brothers)
Forum Discription: Groups Men (Brothers)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=16548
Printed Date: 15 September 2014 at 6:11pm


Topic: Would you marry a women with a child?
Posted By: Iuvmasoul
Subject: Would you marry a women with a child?
Date Posted: 22 March 2010 at 5:59pm
 
Salaam,
 
Im asking this question for the bothers because I want to hear their answers.
 
Im 24 years old, divorced with a young child. He was american and later converted to Islam but never took it seriously.
 
Since the birth of my son, I have grown up.. a lot I would say. I'm learning more about my faith and just started praying. ( i was not taught how to pray as a child) We got divorced because he did not treat me right.
 
Now, as a single "lonely" mother. I singed up to one of those arabic/islamic dating sites. Where i met at lot of weirdoes, but it gave it something to do when i was bored. ( i don't know many muslims and stopped hanging out with my friends) On the site I did meet one "normal" man, who I really liked and hoped we would get married. He was older then me, about 30 and he had never dated anyone, he was religious, kind,and educated, he seemed like everything I wanted. He flew out to meet me and stayed for the weekend (in a hotel, I didn't stay with him)
 
I was always honest with him regarding my past and my son. After he met me, he decided to tell his parents. He parents thought getting married and having a child right a way would be too much for him to handle. After he spoke with his parents he ended things with me. I was crushed, one because he made it seem like it was my sons fault (i could never, ever choose between my son and potentioal husband) and two because I thought now no one will marry me, because im like a old used toy. (of course I do not look like that, i am fairly good looking, smart, I have good sense of humor) I was so shocked and crushed he took his parents advise.
 
So, I guess in a way i'm venting to you guys and I would like to know your opinion... How do you feel about marrying a divorced women with a child? Does it really factor in? Im sincerely just asking your opinion on this, because i cant seem to get over it.



Replies:
Posted By: haris30432
Date Posted: 23 March 2010 at 4:24am
Salamun Alaikum,
 
I loved reading your post and i must say that you r lucky, in a way that u didnt marry that guy.Im sorry, but y wud a woman ever want to marry a guy who doesnt have his own opinion or understanding or whatever?I personally believe that in this world, there are two kinds of laws that one can follow.One,is GOD's perfect law which makes perfect sense.Two,which is man's unperfect law many of which make absolutely no sense.And in your case,the guy like many, chose to follow man's law.A law, never authorized by GOD.From what i understand from your post,in his culture or whatever,marrying a divorced woman with a child is not right or isnt recommended for a single never-married guy. Now in the eyes of GOD,the criteria is different.If a believing man loves a believing woman,they agree with the dowry,ask permission to parents (as a show of respect or to honour them,their consent is however not necessary) etc marriage is permitted.And one of them having a child from a previous marriage is not an issue.Nowhere in the Quran can u see GOD asking single men not to marry divorced women just becoz they have a child.I know of a Muslim man who is younger than his wife,never married ,handsome and rich but married a woman with not one child but two.And guess what?She is now carrying "his" child by the grace of GOD.They are absolutely in love with each other.There is obviously so much respect between them and Im sure..they will have a wonderful life together as good muslims as they chose to follow ONLY and ONLY God's law.Praise be to him alone.So if you would ask me if i would marry a woman with a child.I would say... Why not???? If thats what GOD wills,so be it.I submit to him and his law not what the world or my culture tells me, not what my parents tell me(if it is against GOD's law),not what anyone tells me.For i know and you know sister,that believers are guaranteed  happiness here and in the here after only because they uphold GOD's law and nothing else and do not setup partners beside himSmile.
 
Peace!


-------------
ONE GOD ONE SOURCE OF LAW!


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 23 March 2010 at 7:14am
"I was so shocked and crushed he took his parents advise."  Really?  Why on earth would he not take his parents advise?  May I suggest that you concentrate, for now, on raising your son, learning your religion, and maybe a career track, if you have not already finished college, and given your good looks, intelligence and sense of humor, a suitable mate should flow naturally.  How long have you been divorced?  With respect to your question about divorced women with children factoring into a marriage decision, of course it factors in, however so does education, religion, age, race, beauty and a whole host of other considerations. 


Posted By: Iuvmasoul
Date Posted: 23 March 2010 at 8:06am
Yes, I was shocked because, if two people are right for each other, why do the parents have a say in the relationship. Its the couple that is married, not the parents. I guess, I took his decision personal, and it was kind of a let down that I would be alone.
 
Its been a month or so, since we ended things. So, I have come to terms with being alone. (before I met him) I set goals for myself and Im actively working on them. Im learning who I am as a person. So im glad to be alone..for now. But I do want a family and a partner, and I have certain aspects Im looking for in a husband. But I fear because of my past, I will not be able to find who I am looking for. Due to the fact that must Muslim are so judgmental of ones past and do not take the time to look at someones moral.
 
Btw, I work in health care im currently working on my 2nd degree.


Posted By: Samir_Abdul
Date Posted: 23 March 2010 at 12:27pm
i personally wouldnt have a problem with it..i mean people make mistakes and they grow up, but if i feel like if im truly into you, then it would only be right that i accept your child also...but i hope you take care and find a suitable companion in the future...


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 6:09am
Originally posted by abuayisha

"I was so shocked and crushed he took his parents advise."  Really?  Why on earth would he not take his parents advise?  


But Abuayisha, not all parents give good advise ! some give downright unislamic advise which may be wrong Ouch


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"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 7:15am
Yeah, no doubt Chrysalis, however, for sake of argument, I'm speaking specifically about the situation in question.  Do you believe it was unislamic advise?


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 8:26am
Originally posted by abuayisha

Yeah, no doubt Chrysalis, however, for sake of argument, I'm speaking specifically about the situation in question.  Do you believe it was unislamic advise?


If the parents of that gentlemen objected on the grounds of her having a child, divorced status, and even being a convert - then it could possibly be unislamic advise... 

I have actually seen a case myself where the Parents made their son divorce an American Muslimah-by-birth (same ethnic background) because she spoke too much english at home, couldn't speak the mother-tongue as well and so was causing 'issues' for the in-laws !




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"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 9:46am
"If the parents of that gentlemen objected on the grounds of her having a child, divorced status, and even being a convert - then it could possibly be unislamic advise... "  How could this possibly be when their advise is not binding upon their son's decision?


Posted By: Chrysalis
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 10:26am
Originally posted by abuayisha

"If the parents of that gentlemen objected on the grounds of her having a child, divorced status, and even being a convert - then it could possibly be unislamic advise... "  How could this possibly be when their advise is not binding upon their son's decision?


Well, perhaps not legally binding. But in most Muslim households to this day, Parents do have the final say. And children succumb because they are just not conditioned to go against them... even if they do believe in their heart and mind that they are doing the right thing. Most Muslim parents still have that authority and power over their offspring to dissuade the children or "put their foot down". Some even use emotional blackmail for the silliest of things. Ouch. Perhaps what I am trying to say is, that often in matters like this we say "Parents know best" - but then again, they are fallible and prone to error.

Relating back to the questioner, what I am basically trying to say is, that from what I have read so far, I sympathize with her. And I feel dejected as a female to think that a woman is turned down because she is a divorcee with a child. (if that was the actual reason behind the parent's rejection). Thats not what Muslims were supposed to be like. Confused





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"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 11:00am
Yeah, but take heart, he's not the only "fish in the sea" if that's not what he or his family wants, there are others.  I feel it's far better to be honest with feelings before getting married.  What if he was struck by her good looks and didn't give sufficient consideration to difficulties being a "step-parent" and later said, 'sorry this just isn't going to work for me.'  Dejection for any reason, weight, age, education or otherwise, isn't pleasant, but there is a "sliver lining" I believe, and that is an opportunity to find the right individual.


Posted By: nu001
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 11:03pm
Sure, Why not? Other factors for slecting a wife should apply as well.

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"Al-Quran-The only Straight path to success. Alhamdulillah"


Posted By: nu001
Date Posted: 24 March 2010 at 11:57pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

Yeah, but take heart, he's not the only "fish in the sea" if that's not what he or his family wants, there are others.  I feel it's far better to be honest with feelings before getting married.  What if he was struck by her good looks and didn't give sufficient consideration to difficulties being a "step-parent" and later said, 'sorry this just isn't going to work for me.'  Dejection for any reason, weight, age, education or otherwise, isn't pleasant, but there is a "sliver lining" I believe, and that is an opportunity to find the right individual.
 
Very Well said.


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"Al-Quran-The only Straight path to success. Alhamdulillah"


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 18 April 2010 at 12:56am

Salam sister,

First of all you are choosing a haram way by going on arab dating sites u find nothing but men who will make u go astray and not surprise they will be born muslims.so haram's result is haram.halal's result is halal,

u r young enough to restart,concentrate on ur career,be a lioness,u will see Lions following u automatically,believe me sister,dont loose ur caracter which is the most important for a woman this is what a man looks for in a woman specially muslim men.
 
register urself with good sites like nikah.com for marraige if u r serious.
 
beware of indians pakistanis and arabs who marry american girls for nationality,i m also Indian but telling u this as sister.again there good men also look for someone who is good know his deen and if he needs ur support like getting a greencard or something thats no harm but beware of their intentions.
and onething men who really wanna marry will not care for their parents.it is just an excuse from we asian men.
 
dont just feel like u r a toy,its you who will decide what u wanna be a toy or a chaste woman who is so dear to allah.
 
may this help
 
Regards
Faisal
 


Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 18 April 2010 at 2:40am
Dear Iuvmasoul,
 
I wouldn't blame his parents. He is 30 years old, and I have to understand that he has an independent life (even if he is living with his parents, he should have his job and he should be economically independent). So, if he is following his parents opinion maybe it is because it's fitting with his own opinion.
 
I mean, maybe his parents just said what he was already thinking. With 30 years old, most probably he is looking for someone to marry (let us say), but you are offering him not just a wife, but a whole family... maybe he is just afraid from the situation. I think that he didn't grow up enough as to face the situation you have, but this is not your fault, be sure, even not his fault. Just life matters.
 
I wouldn't take it into account, and you have to be sure that God is giving us everything we need, the only problem is that sometimes, we don't have any idea of what you need. Maybe this situation comes because God has a message for you to focus in different things than getting married (I don't know anything about your personal life, but that's my opinion).
 
You are really young, so don't burn your life looking for a husband, just enjoy it like a mother and a grown woman. Go to the Mosque, meet people there, and increase your knowledge about everything (not only Islam Wink ).
 
Forgive him for the pain, but you have to imagine if you were in his place, waiting for so long to find the perfect wife and suddenly, your parents don't agree with your choose... he is confused, I think.
 
All the best
Patricia
 


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No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 9:31am
where is the starter of this topic,plz sister u shud reply when u expect comments from others


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 13 July 2010 at 9:49am
HAs anyone here mentioned that the Prophet(pbuh) married a divorced woman with children?
That would certainly mean there is nothing wrong with it.
The only problem would be the mentality of men today.

I expect the OP has got her answer somewhere and felt it not necessary to return to the forum.

:)


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 27 September 2010 at 7:05am

Salam,

Yes sister Martha,profet s.a.w married umm salama the mother of salama,this marrying of profet to her was also accompnaied by the hadith profet mentioned to her first husband and he narrated this hadith to umm salama after which he died (Shaheed)in a battle.

the hadith was:if in this world you loose something allah gives somthing btter than what you lost
 
so soon after umm salama lost her first husband profet sent her the proposal for marraige and who can be better than mohammed s.a.w as a husband.
 
Very ture are the words of Allah and his profet.
 
Regards
Faisal
 
 


Posted By: The absurd one
Date Posted: 03 October 2010 at 11:06am
From an Islamic point of view there is no rule against marrying a divorced woman with a child. But beyond that I certainly doubt there is an Islamic view that tells having a child (or more) cannot be considering a criteria against a marriage. In that case, I think the opinion of his parents was purely consultative and he could have gone against it, he decided not to do so then it is his decision (and not his parents').

To answer the question "would you marry a woman with a child" I'd say I wouldn't, but truth to be told it's a matter of context. Taken just like that I'd be cautious of kids because I'm not sure I want one (at all) in my life right now.


Posted By: hangarpilot
Date Posted: 15 October 2011 at 12:56pm
Asalaam Alaikum w.w
I was intrigued to read your story and all I can say is Alhamdolillah that you did not marry that guy who was unable to make his own decision. Your child/children are a blessing.
 
I am in a situation where i am divorced and have 4 children of my own. 2 girls and 2 boys mashallah. I was not interested in marrying at first but after a lot of thought and support from my parents i decioded to try to find someone. I too went on muslim dating sites only to be bombarded with "weirdos". I did meet some women whom i considered but eventually a close friend whom i have known for 22 years suddenly got divorced. I have known her for 18 years. She has 3 daughters. After talking to my parents I decided to offer to marry her and bring up her daughters along with my own 4 children. At first she was reluctant but i convinced her to let me take this challenge and i told her that Allah SWT will open the doors and guide me to bring up 5 girls as good muslimas and 2 boys. She eventually accepted this. My parents have given me their full support and said they will welcome her kids as their own grandchildren. So i think this is a matter of imaan. I know it will be hard but i have faith in Allah SWT and i know i will be asble to bring up the 7 kids in a good islamic marnner.
So please do not think all men are like that guy. I wish you all the best


Posted By: harun1209
Date Posted: 03 May 2012 at 3:37am
I did. she was 10 yrs. older than me which i thought i could have security with do to her age/experience and to father her 2 teenage boys who have little respect for me and she doesnt support me as much as she should in front of them. Recently, i found that she cant have kids and i am desperately wanting one at least and after 5 tiresome years, she tell me to go look around and that she is ok with the 2 that she has. I was fine until she shows how overly protective and possessive she is with them and I find myself feeling as a toy for them to play with only.


Posted By: doherty12
Date Posted: 16 November 2012 at 12:59am
Well, if i was in love with such a women then i would surely marry her. If the women is smart, beautiful as well as well educated then i would not find a problem in it. I won't go with my parent's advice as long as i have got feelings for her. So being a divorcee women with a child doesn't matter to me.


Posted By: herber345
Date Posted: 08 December 2013 at 11:19pm
Originally posted by haris30432

Salamun Alaikum,
 
I loved reading your post and i must say that you r lucky, in a way that u didnt marry that guy.Im sorry, but y wud a woman ever want to marry a guy who doesnt have his own opinion or understanding or whatever?I personally believe that in this world, there are two kinds of laws that one can follow.One,is GOD's perfect law which makes perfect sense.Two,which is man's unperfect law many of which make absolutely no sense.And in your case,the guy like many, chose to follow man's law.A law, never authorized by GOD.From what i understand from your post,in his culture or whatever,marrying a divorced woman with a child is not right or isnt recommended for a single never-married guy. Now in the eyes of GOD,the criteria is different.If a believing man loves a believing woman,they agree with the dowry,ask permission to parents (as a show of respect or to honour them,their consent is however not necessary) etc marriage is permitted.And one of them having a child from a previous marriage is not an issue.Nowhere in the Quran can u see GOD asking single men not to marry divorced women just becoz they have a child.I know of a Muslim man who is younger than his wife,never married ,handsome and rich but married a woman with not one child but two.And guess what?She is now carrying "his" child by the grace of GOD.They are absolutely in love with each other.There is obviously so much respect between them and Im sure..they will have a wonderful life together as good muslims as they chose to follow ONLY and ONLY God's law.Praise be to him alone.So if you would ask me if i would marry a woman with a child.I would say... Why not???? If thats what GOD wills,so be it.I submit to him and his law not what the world or my culture tells me, not what my parents tell me(if it is against GOD's law),not what anyone tells me.For i know and you know sister,that believers are guaranteed  happiness here and in the here after only because they uphold GOD's law and nothing else and do not setup partners beside himSmile.
 
Peace!


Nice said.. :)



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