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I broke my wife's heart

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=16017
Printed Date: 18 December 2014 at 3:55pm


Topic: I broke my wife's heart
Posted By: mohmmad786
Subject: I broke my wife's heart
Date Posted: 15 December 2009 at 8:25pm
Assalamualekum my dear brothers and sisters.

I have had a love marriage for about 6 years but i live in uk cause of need to support my family and wife lives in pakistan. We did nikkah at first cause i couldnt go back to pakistan and she is still living with her family. Now as it was love marriage and my parents only agreed cause of me and didnt wanted me to get married to this girl,my parents live with my brother and sisterinlaw and there two daughters they said few things which my wife didnt like. She spoke to me and said that she does not wanna live with my parents as my brother, specially my sisterinlaw said things and my wife dont even wanna see her face. I explained to my wife that when you will live with me it will be different as i would not let any member of my family say anything wrong to you and as i wanna live with my parents and serve them as well i cannot leave that house and live somewhere else. She did not listen and said that if that is the case than we can go our seperate ways.
I got really angry(shetan worked on me) and said fine i will send you the papers(never mentioned divorce word) and didnt speak to her for few days than one of her best friends called me and we patched up. My wife said that she would never forget that day when i said i would send her the papers and i appologised and said i would try not to say it again and she agreed that she would try and love me as well.

Few weeks back we had the same kind of argument and she asked me to do few things even asked me if i am willing to come to pakistan and i said i will but i will live with my parents and again i tried assuring her that i will stand for what is right and if i am gonna fulfill son's duties than i will fulfill the husband duties as well and if someone says anything wrong to her than either i would standup for her or i would take her and we would live separetly but again she didnt agree. after fews days i got an email saying that she think that we have no future together and again i lost my temper(shetan worked on me again) i told her that fine i will send her papers(yes i shouldnt have said that) and i would say three words if she wants that(bare in mind i never used the actual word divorce but yes it is taken in that sense).
After that it took few days for me to cool down but now she says that she dont love me anymore even though she couldnt think about anything else other than me before. I have spoken to her family and they say that they would do as there daughter wants. But now that i have cooled down i dont wanna leave my wife, i want that old wife back who loved me more than anything and i never wanna leave her but i need help of my brothers and sisters to advice me. I have spoken to her on the phone for more than 4 weeks now, she says that her heart is changed she has no hate for me but she hasnt got no love for me either. She has actually asked me to divorce her but i just cant do it. All i want is for her to love me the way she use to, and i just dont know what i should do

If any of brothers and sisters can help me or tell me a dua/prayer or anything i can read to change her heart. I just dont wanna do something which ALLAH hate the most and for the love of my life as well.



Replies:
Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 16 December 2009 at 5:12am
Asalaam alaikum,

First my duas for you and your wife.

A few points in no order:

1. YOU need to live with your family. She does not. Islamically she has the right to her own home, unless she waives that right in the marriage contract.

2. Is is possible that your family agreed to the marriage but truly they do not accept her? I tell you that may be what your wife is sensing. And NO woman wants to live in that to be honest. You cannot be there 24/7 to protect her.

Women in these situations are rarely ever accepted as part of the family. Either she needs her own accomodations or it will be trouble. Can you not find something nearby. This is why family blessing in Pakistan is SO important for the woman. Families are tight units.. why live somewhere you are not accepted? That is not a home SHE can relax in.

The reality may be setting in for her. It was great to love you, but to view living wth people who do not accept and like her sounds pretty unpleasant. And yes you need to help take care of your parents but if your parents live with your brother already why can't you live nearby and help out? Its not like your parents have nowhere else to go....

I thnk it will help if you look at it from HER perspective.
1. This should be HER home- a place where she feel good to live. A place that she is liked and respected
2. I've lived in Pakistnai families.. you will go out to work, wil lshe be at home with the women? I tell you, if you are not liked and belong, how lonely would THAT be.
3. If you DO live somewhere else, will you-they resent that you did this for her and 'left' the family?
4. Your wife is Your responsibility. YOU have to also compromise. You do have others ot hlep with your parents. You are not the only child.  There is not hing that says (excluding economics) that you HAVE to all live together.

I will say my duas and I hope you can understand how she may see it and feel her condition. Yes, it is common for the daughter-in-law to live with the in-laws but if the family does not REALLY want her well...

I am sure others have some ideas.

Hayfa



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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: mohmmad786
Date Posted: 16 December 2009 at 5:23pm
Asalaamalaikum,
Thankyou for your reply and yes i can understand where you are coming from and even after all that i agreed that if we have got to than we will live somewhere else and not with the parents but now she is saying that she dont want to live with me and want to finish our marriage.
I have admitted to her that yes i was wrong in saying what i said and if we have to live outside pakistan we would. I have tried giving her every option i could just to save my marriage but she dont want that anymore she is saying that her love has died now and no matter how much she tries, she hasnt got no love for me anymore. I dont want her to live with me if she is not in love with me but i cant let her go as well. I am praying to ALLAH and ALLAH only that he would change her heart and bring that love back in her heart as ALLAH hates divorce the most. She says that me telling her that i will send her the papers has totally killed it for her. All i want her to love me like before, i am willing to do everything and maybe just maybe its too late but we all are human and we all make mistakes and no matter what i do is not gonna change her heart


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 19 December 2009 at 5:57am
Salam Brother mohmmad,
 
This is exactly my story,4 years back i fell in love with my second cousin and after after 2 years i finally got married to her despite her father dint agree with this realtion as the girl was born and broughtup in saudi culture,i did nikah and no bidai or dukhla as needed family status in saudi,for some reason i had to go back to india for one year and in this one year time she changed her mind and was not the same as i left her,
 
then after fight on the phone she realised that she dont love me at all and she started hating,so she took talak finally,i cried i begged i shouted nothing changed her mind.
 
i left my parents my career and spent all those feelings which i saved to use for my wife,now i can never love any girl like her,
 
i have realised one thing, girl who put too many conditions can leave you any point of life and never to leave your wife alone for a long time,
 
may allah help u in this difficult,brother your wife seems same kind of girl like my ex wife,very confident friendly and beautifull and very stuborn.
 
All these qualities make them arrogant and they believe they are strong enough to face the world alone.
 
Brother i think of those sisters who do so many things to keep their bad husband with them and here my wife went without any big reason.i feel a woman who cannot accept that a male can dominate them,such woman can never live happily with any man in the world,by domination i dont mean suppress them but sometimes if the husband is angry they should accept it,men i think are like that but woman can make them realise in a better way later on instead of fighting with and take it on the ego forever.
 
be strong brother,i know its hard but pray for the best from allah,i still cant belive that she is gone from my life when i think the way my exwife loved me,now suddenly she dont love,i did nothing to her she just changed her mind only allah knows her reasons.
 
if you get time read my post 'i wanna save my marraige'in family matters
 
plz reply
Fais
 
one last thing:'jab hathi mast hota hai apne aap pe hi dhool phenkta hai' so just leave your wife alone and pray that she get hidayat.
 
 
 


Posted By: mohmmad786
Date Posted: 20 December 2009 at 9:38am
Assalamualekum and thankyou for the reply brother fais, i know where you are coming from and yes you are right in everything you are saying, and i know i have broke her heart when i was angry but i just felt that her reasoning is wrong for leaving me. Yes she is very confident and very beautiful but it not the reason i wanna be with her, i would love her in anyway she is cause she is my wife and i would love her even if she has lost all her beauty. I loved the person inside of her more than her body or beauty and that inner person is not there anymore. I have gone to people before asking for help but this time i am not doing anything like that all i am doing is asking ALLAH to help me and asking my brothers and sisters to pray for me. I know that if i leave her i would have alot easier life as well but i dont want that, i wanna be able to do everything for my wife, fullfil her needs and desires of all kind but i cant do that if she wants to leave me. I have got till 25th of january, thats the date we are gonna decide as my immigration matter needs sorting out and if its not sorted out by that time than she wants me to say those three words to her.
I dont know what has immigration got to do with love and i am still in doubt if she still loves me and if i felt at that point that yes she is coming to me but dont love me than i would finish it as i dont want her body, i want her love, her heart and the feelings. I am reading few things to change her heart ALLAH willing, so if it changes her heart than we have got a future and if it doesnt than there is noway we would have a relationship.
All i need from my brothers and sisters is a good advice and the prays, may ALLAH CHANGE HER HEART.

ALLAH HAFIZ


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 20 December 2009 at 11:08pm
I can understand how u feel,i know its not the outer beauty u are mad for,same with me,
i was talking about such girls who are very confident and well protected by the family thinks they can have many options in life they will never be left alone,but brother when allah takes the decsion in hands then nobody can save them,

regards
Fias


Posted By: Pati
Date Posted: 24 December 2009 at 2:24am
Originally posted by mohmmad786

 
After that it took few days for me to cool down but now she says that she dont love me anymore even though she couldnt think about anything else other than me before. I have spoken to her family and they say that they would do as there daughter wants. But now that i have cooled down i dont wanna leave my wife, i want that old wife back who loved me more than anything and i never wanna leave her but i need help of my brothers and sisters to advice me. I have spoken to her on the phone for more than 4 weeks now, she says that her heart is changed she has no hate for me but she hasnt got no love for me either. She has actually asked me to divorce her but i just cant do it. All i want is for her to love me the way she use to, and i just dont know what i should do

If any of brothers and sisters can help me or tell me a dua/prayer or anything i can read to change her heart. I just dont wanna do something which ALLAH hate the most and for the love of my life as well.
 
Hi mohmmad786,
 
I have highlighted one of your phrases, because in that phrase, you said lot of things: she loved you the most, your family were treating her in bad way, she came to you asking for help, and you supported your family instead of supporting her.
 
If you really love her, you have to support her in the same way she is doing with you. You said it, she loved you the most, but by your side, what she found was pain. The love should be shared at same level by both parts, and if it's not this way, the relation will never work.
 
My suggestion is to talk to your family and tell them that you love her and you want them to accept her and give her a fair life between them, what is the minimum thing that any wife deserves from her husband's family.
 
If you don't defend her, and go on telling her "I will send you the papers"... what do you really want from her? Do you really love her.
 
Imagine if you were in her place: you are with her family, and they are not accepting you, and you ask her for help and she tells you that she would send you the papers... how would you feel in that situation? Really, try to be in her place and you will understand how much pain you gave her and how can you (maybe, I am not sure) solve this situation.
 
Good luck
Patricia


-------------
No God wants the killing, but the peace.
The weapons are carried by people, not by religions.


Posted By: mohmmad786
Date Posted: 24 December 2009 at 10:58am
Originally posted by Pati

[QUOTE=mohmmad786]

Hi mohmmad786,


I have highlighted one of your phrases, because in that phrase, you said lot of things: she loved you the most, your family were treating her in bad way, she came to you asking for help, and you supported your family instead of supporting her.


If you really love her, you have to support her in the same way she is doing with you. You said it, she loved you the most, but by your side, what she found was pain. The love should be shared at same level by both parts, and if it's not this way, the relation will never work.


My suggestion is to talk to your family and tell them that you love her and you want them to accept her and give her a fair life between them, what is the minimum thing that any wife deserves from her husband's family.


If you don't defend her, and go on telling her "I will send you the papers"... what do you really want from her? Do you really love her.


Imagine if you were in her place: you are with her family, and they are not accepting you, and you ask her for help and she tells you that she would send you the papers... how would you feel in that situation? Really, try to be in her place and you will understand how much pain you gave her and how can you (maybe, I am not sure) solve this situation.


Good luck

Patricia


Assalamualekum pati and thanks for the reply, the reason why is said what i said is cause i love her too mnuch to lose her. The main problem here is that we did nikkah as i was living in uk and she was in pakistan so rather than just arrangement we did nikah and said that we would do ruksati(sorry dont know the exact word) where we are actually consolate marriage later. Now as i was in uk and she was in pakistan, the situation at my home got really tough as my brother lost his job and the monetary position got really tight so my parents couldnt call her much or give her gifts on special occasions. the main problem isnt my parents but its my sisterinlaw and she said things to my wife and she didnt like it. Now all i said to her was listen i am living in uk so all i can do is talk and as u are not living with my family i just dont wanna argue about it. My words to her was IF and that is IF i come back to pakistan we will live with my family and IF someone says something to her and i dont standup for her than she can say something like this. I have made this clear to her as well as my parents that i wouldnt let my parents do anything wrong with my wife as i got duties of a husband and i wouldnt let my wife say something wrong to my parents as i got the responsibility of a son as well. Yes i did say that i will send her the papers cause i got really angry and tired of her saying things against my family but that does not mean that i wanna leave her and dont love her. Maybe i am looking at it from a son's responsibilty but i know one thing that if my family would have done or said anything wrong than i would have stood up for my wife or would have left my family and took her and lived seperately. I may have said something which is wrong but i dont feel that i deserved something like that in return.


Posted By: Aurora-rose
Date Posted: 19 July 2012 at 6:02pm
Asalama alikum
there is a reason why we women cant divorce our husbands, and thats because we are to emotional, i thinks you should talk face to face, cause if you have done your duties as a husband then their is no reason for divorce and maybe she will regret after a while.



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