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what to do when husband leaves me

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15530
Printed Date: 02 October 2014 at 12:00am


Topic: what to do when husband leaves me
Posted By: anderson
Subject: what to do when husband leaves me
Date Posted: 26 September 2009 at 3:41pm
I was very happy the day I married my muslim husband. He was the first muslim man I know and I wanted to be a good muslimah wife and grow closer to Allah and Islam in the marriage. Alhamdullilah I have been able to feel closer to God and discover more about the religion.

But after 6 years of marriage, my husband just turned to me one day and said he wanted to leave me and get a divorce. I was thoroughly shocked and didn't expect this at all. My husband said he wanted to find happiness in his life which he couldn't feel in the marriage. I have tried talking to him and telling him that we have everything we ever wanted in our marriage and he should not fall to his "nafs" chasing for more worldly happiness. But he wouldn't listen and he left, and suddenly I am all alone to fend for myself.

I feel lost and vulnerable. I was the type of wife who has been so faithful, I would never leave the house without my husband, I stayed home to cook, clean, wash for him despite being very educated in western universities. I thought that I was fulfilling my responsibility as a a muslim wife to a husband I adored and respected. And he just dumped me high and dry to search for his own "happiness". I leaarned recently he is out chasing young arab girls to marry again (my husband is almost 40 ). My caucasian friends are all telling I-told-you-so-arab/muslim-men-are-womanisers and that they go chasing after girls half their age. It feels awful when your own husband helps to justify the westerner's biased perception of Islam.

I feel scared and empty in my life right now. My husband told me what he did is not something wrong and even Islam would approve. He even said that without divorce papers, he could get married quickly in a mosque because he is a man. And women like me get the bad end of the deal in Islamic marriages.

I really want to have my husband back. I don't know what to do anymore. I have begged and cried and humiliated myself. Its not easy out where I live to find other muslim men, and I don't know if I could go back to seeing caucasian non-muslim men. Please advice me what to do with my life? How do I convince my husband to come back?



Replies:
Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 28 September 2009 at 8:57am
dear sister.
salam sister,
 
i read your post and can feel it as my wife did the same thing to me,she also says god has decided us to apart and she has made her mind,i begged i cried i requested but nothing made her decision change.please read my post 'i wanna save my marraige in family matters and pray for me as i am going to get divorced soon,i will be forced to utter those 3 words of talaq very soon by my wife.
 
just pray that i can bear the pain of sepration as i love her with my full heart,i will pray for you too,insha allah will do the best for you and he will come back.
 
people who wants to depart often give this excuse of allah's will but they dont know i think how hatefull talaq is to allah and if they do nothing to save it insha allah on the day of judgement they will be shamefull.sister your efforts will give you the fruits one day dont worry.plz plz read my post i wanna save my marraige.


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 28 September 2009 at 12:28pm
Asalaam Alaikum Anderson,

Welcome to the Forum. It is so sad to hear about your situation. I pray to Alla

1. He may use HIS interpretation to justify his actions.. though anyone can point out if our Beloved Prophet (PBUH) ever treated his wives in this manner? 

And as Fais said, divorce is quite disliked by Allah. WE all are judged for our thoughts and actions. 

Your husband did what he did. He may very well try and blame you but really, he wanted what he wanted. As you said, this world pulled on him.

2. Where do you live? Do you have kids? Do you have family? 

3. Why would you go back to non Muslim men right away. Give it time. You need to spend time with yourself and your Creator.

4. Getting him  back: as you said, you humiliated yourself etc. Well please sister, enough of that. You think he wants a doormat (not that you are but it very well may be perceived as that)? 

5. Honestly, it is sad to say that we (any person) will put themselves down as to do anything to get someone who does not want us.  You are a good Muslim woman. If nothing else, he should treat you with more kindness and respect, EVEN IF he truly does not see you as compatible. Heck, I hear about men who do care about their wives enough to keep them and get a 2nd. He just walked out. Why would you want a man who would do that to you????

This is not to say you should not do what feel comfortable if you really want him back for your own personal reasons. But keep in mind.. you deserve better.

I would pray to Allah to guide you. And remember what often seems 'bad' turns out to be a benefit and a mercy to us.  Trust in Allah.


Can you go to the Masjid and get some help?

And last, people are fickle. And that is why we must love Allah and his Messenger (PBUH) more than any other person.

This is not to deny your feelings. Not at all. If he is that selfish, why give him all this power???


My duas for you.

 


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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: anderson
Date Posted: 28 September 2009 at 5:34pm
Thanks for the replies, It makes me feel better to know there are people who care enough to respond, cos quite frankly, I am feeling so lonely right now.

To answer to some of the questions - I do not have kids nor family. I moved from my country to be with my husband. I gave up everything, my professional job, family, friends, homeland to be with that man. We moved to a place far away from the city, not very accessible by public transport. My husband never allowed me to drive or keep a cellphone. He created a marriage where I was very dependent on him and he kinda guarded me with jealousy. I wanted so much to please him as a wife, so I obeyed thinking that was what islam wanted of me.

Many years into the marriage later, I found out he was chasing other women. It really broke my heart but I kept on praying to Allah to help me and I forgave him again and again. Finally in July this year, he left me. It was crazy cos his family flew from his country and was giving him moral support to leave me!! I begged and pleaded and said it was my husband who cheated and I was faithful all these time, but the family told me off and insisted to leave my husband alone. They stayed at my place for weeks for free and ran the whole place down, and finally one day left without so much as saying a thank you or goodbye to me. They took my husband with them that day too, and he never came back again since then.

Since I live out in a town away from the city, its been hard for me. I dont have a driving licence (cos my husband didnt allow me to have one before). I have to struggle to survive to get my own food, to see a doctor, to just live day to day. I dont even know how to get to a mosque. There are some kind neighbours who have been helping me though and I have been receiving financial aid. They said what my husband did is not just a simple case of divorce, but cruelty and abandoning his wife in a place where she was dependent on him for survival as a housewife all these years. And he is out looking for a new young wife right now, spending money on lavish vacations with arab girls.

I dont know what to do with my life anymore. I feel so broken and sometimes I quesion God why this is happening to me. My husband prays 5 times a day, fast and all those things, and yet he still found it within himself to be cruel towards his wife and insists its all permissible within Islam to do what he does. Yes, I do want him back, probably because he is what I know in my life. The unknown terrifies me.






Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 28 September 2009 at 10:22pm

Salam,

Sister it is nice to know that you have come close to Allah after marraige,most of the non muslim woman become muslim just cause they are marrying a muslim guy but you are a nice lady who took this relegion as a way of life and this will reward you insha allah,
 
Sister your husband is a fool to leave a woman who has reverted to islam with full heart and belive me sister a reverted muslim is rewarded more as they didnt get this relegion by inheritence,a revert has to work and fight a lot and this is hard and there is better reward,hope someone can explain my point in a better way.you are his passsport to janna as you are a good muslim woman and if he leaves you he will be the looser,I am not saying he should leave you but sister god forbid if this happens just think you have the most beautifull way of life which is islam,and as you said you a an educated woman so dont worry there are many muslim good men  in this world you will find one.dont lower your self esteem as i did.learn to love your self.there are many oraganisation like islamic research foundation where you can have good muslim friends and once you join them you will see there are so many muslims to help you in many ways.
 
And women like me get the bad end of the deal in Islamic marriages.
Sister you are a nice lady and i feel you have learned islam more than a readymade muslim,no law in islam is bad this shud be your belief if you deny any you not a muslim,so islam has certain laws which is really beneficial to the society in long run,infact islam has the best law for marraige as it is very just and human,i dont wanna go in deep with islamic marraige rights of muslim woman but i hope you understand wot i wanna say by this.
 
Yes your husband has really made a bad impression on other non muslim as he wants to leave you in the middle,believe me sister he will repent and will be a looser on the day of judgement,difficulty comes but you have to face it without any negative effect on your faith.
 
Pray tahajjud in the middle of the night which is after 2am,and pray that allah shud do wot is the best for you i know its hard to ask that as you want your partner at anycost,it was hard for me too and i asked allah to give me my wife at anycost but one of my cousin made me realise that one shud not direct the decisions of allah let allah do the best for you.
 
hope i have made my points clear.if anyone can explain my points to sister anderson in a  better way please do it,i will appreciate.
 
Regards
 
 


Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 01 October 2009 at 9:10pm

  Asslamu Alikum sister member_profile.asp?PF=62236&FID=89 - anderson , I am sorry for that.

 I agree with sister Hayfa but hope to hear form you soon. I hope you are fine.
 May Allah help you.
 


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And whoever seeks a religion other than Islām, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)


Posted By: Allah First
Date Posted: 02 October 2009 at 2:15pm
Asalaam Aleikum sister Anderson, If Allah (swt) has taken your husband and you have no family, then belive me you have him (Allah) there to protect you. Divorce is so hard, being abandoned is the worst feeling, but nothing is greater than Allah. Try your best to count your blessings. I know that now your thinking, you would go back to him, but the time will come when you will see otherwise believe me.
You will always feel that he can 'whenever he pleases, leaves you again, and the next time you would have had the experience. I don't know all that happened but, it is not a man who abandons his wife like that, and your probably lucky you didn't have children with him, It makes it worse believe me.
Sister, I make dua for you that in this storm in your life that Allah swt, will make you steadfast. All is a test. InshAllah he will be replaced by something better, and if it is him, Allah will make him more deserving for you.
Pray and be patient, nothing even happiness doesn't last forever.
May Allah make it easy


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 03 October 2009 at 5:30am
Salaams SIster Anderson,
Please excuse my delay for responding..I have not been on line for some days.
I am really saddened to hear what has happened. Hayfa is right in that you must not humiliate yourself to get your husband to return. He appears to have decided..along with his family..what is best for them, and not you. They have behaved appallingly.
But now lets see how we can get you over this almost unbearable hurdle. It is good you are receiving some financial aid. It doesn't matter if it comes from an Islamic source or through government assistance. You need to survive.
You say some good non-muslims are helping you. That is also OK. Never feel worried about that.
In some ways our situations are similar. The difference being that I asked my husband to leave. He punished me by continuing to deprive me of as much as he could, even trying to get me evicted from the home.He thought I would back down. I had to rely on assistance other than Islamic despite going to the local mosque and Imam and getting no support.
So as far as the muslims were concerned I disappeared from within the muslim society purely because I no longer wanted to live with an abusive husband. As a revert that was incredibly hard to bear. I always thought that sisters had rights...but by holding out my hand for help proved otherwise.
Sister, the first few weeks are hard..but believe in some humans and your life will change. Concentrate on what you must do and try to leave the past behind you if you can.
It will get better. I am now happier than I have been in years. But it took a great deal of courage to get to that point. I am unable to work due to ill health..so at times it has been dire.
Are you able to return home to your family? I assume they are not muslim? If this is the case they will struggle to understand fully what has happened...but they are still your family and love you no matter what . Perhaps you can try to think about visiting/returning to them for some support..maybe you will be able to see clearer your situation and make some decisions.
Excuse the lengthy post..but I hope my post gives you some encouragement to press forward. Continue to love Allah, be close to Him and he will guide and ease your troubles. Be strong sister. We are all behind you. Let us know how it goes.
Big hugs XX
Martha


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 03 October 2009 at 4:13pm
Asalaam ALaikum Anderson,

The behavior is appalling! I agree with Martha. And his family has done you a terrible dis-service. How you treat anyone, anyone like that.

You know I havea friend in Pakistan. And when his dad was younger he wanted to leave his wife. HIS family said has she been a a bad wife, done anything Islamic, he said no. The family said we will dis-own you if you divorce her. Now that is character. So it is out there.

My husband prays 5 times a day, fast and all those things, and yet he still found it within himself to be cruel towards his wife and insists its all permissible within Islam to do what he does. Yes, I do want him back, probably because he is what I know in my life. The unknown terrifies me.

Well you know deen and character are related and are two different things.. you cna pray and have have terrible character. Imagine the poor girl going to marry him next.. Ick.

Yes the unknown is terrifying.. you are right.. but so was moving to another country and marrying a man and giving it all up. YOU ARE STRONG. Give yourself credit.  So really its not his character but that you are scared.

Put your faith in Allah.  And focus on today and now. We all face the unknown. IT is scary. Start with things like getting you licence. Can you get out and visit family. You need mortal support.

As Martha attested, the first few weeks are the worst.

Do you want to go back to your home country? Or do you want to stay?

My Duas are with you.

Hayfa



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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: anderson
Date Posted: 05 October 2009 at 9:41am
Salam to everyone here,

Martha, I have been truly disappointed about the islamic centres and mosques. Many weeks ago, I did try to contact them. I wasn't even asking for money or material things. I just wanted to talk to someone like an imam to ask questions and seek counselling People just ignored me, or told me to email, but never did reply up till today. So I have given up on them, and frankly, my heart is not even in it anymore right now to have contacts with those mosque people. They can go ahead and wear their white robes and pray all day long if they like, but if you can't even spend 10 minutes to talk to a desperate woman in my position who was pleading for your help and all alone on her own, I won't care how religious you are.

Hayfa, your story about the pakistani man who was gonna divorce his wife and what his family told him - that is truly character! I will keep this story in my mind forever. My in laws have never even called me once since they left. I don't want to go into details, but it saddens me to think how much I used to love them, respect them and what I have done for them. I gave to my parent-in-laws more than what I even gave to my own parents, and I love them no lesser.

No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.


Posted By: sincere
Date Posted: 06 October 2009 at 10:26am
ConfusedAssalaam Alaikum
I am dealing with a situation in my marriage were my husband is taking responsibility for another woman. He has not married her but is convinced that he is correct to spend his time and efforts with her. He is considering marrying her but feels that he is not out of line because it is a "lesser form of right" because he is intending to do something good in Islam.
I don't know what to do. We have children and he really can not afford to take on this responsibility but he is pretty much insisting that I accept her or our marriage will end.


Posted By: Allah First
Date Posted: 06 October 2009 at 10:32am

No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.[/QUOTE]   

My Allah (swt) make things easier for you sister. It's hard but i believe that you are where your supposed to be in life. Learn lessons tomake yourself better and Inshallah you will get something better in his place. No one is alone bit Allah is there.
You are going to be ALRIGHT! INSHALLAH!


Posted By: ak_m_f
Date Posted: 06 October 2009 at 11:25am
where do you live now? was ur husband arab?

Lot of Arabs here in Canada are womanizers. I think its integrated into their culture to oppress woman and make her vulnerable.

Before Islam came they used to bury girls alive.


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 06 October 2009 at 12:36pm
Originally posted by anderson

Salam to everyone here,

Martha, I have been truly disappointed about the islamic centres and mosques. Many weeks ago, I did try to contact them. I wasn't even asking for money or material things. I just wanted to talk to someone like an imam to ask questions and seek counselling People just ignored me, or told me to email, but never did reply up till today. So I have given up on them, and frankly, my heart is not even in it anymore right now to have contacts with those mosque people. They can go ahead and wear their white robes and pray all day long if they like, but if you can't even spend 10 minutes to talk to a desperate woman in my position who was pleading for your help and all alone on her own, I won't care how religious you are.

Hayfa, your story about the pakistani man who was gonna divorce his wife and what his family told him - that is truly character! I will keep this story in my mind forever. My in laws have never even called me once since they left. I don't want to go into details, but it saddens me to think how much I used to love them, respect them and what I have done for them. I gave to my parent-in-laws more than what I even gave to my own parents, and I love them no lesser.

No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.
 
Sister Anderson, I am glad you came back to reply to us all. My gut feeling, as I have been there, is to forget what your husband thinks.You must  do what is best for you. It is easy to say you will stay where you are, to prove a point to him, but really is that important anymore? It is normal to want to hit back in some way. It is part of the grieving process but long term it can lead to bitterness and is counter productive. Also, if you left that place would he know? And again would it matter? Allah will help you, and your husband mocks you because your relationship with Allah is far greater than his will ever be. HOw any man, regardless of his religion even, can just leave his wife without a thought for her well being. He knows that often sisters get little or no help...muslim men stick together like glue, even if they are at fault. This is why he asks where you will get help. But this kind of attitude is common place I am afraid to say. IT doesn't come down to ISlam, but instead their own ego. I am not st**id to suggest all men are like this...there are some excellent men and husbands out there. BUt from experience men expect us to back down and are shocked when we stand firm. OF course Allah is with us and we are not frightened. Justice will always prevail dear sister. And I am sure you know that.
You are feeling exactly as I did...I didn't care for mixing with hypocrites...even now I am content for it to be my God and me. What else do we really need in this life? Well for the time being most certainly. IT is a huge bonus of course if we are blessed to have a good and caring muslim husband who knows his religion. Insha'allah that will happen for you in the future.
As a revert you are in a better position than born muslim women. Often, because of culture, they accept whatever the husband says or does. I am not suggesting wives should disobey the man, but we have rights and deserve to be treated with fairness and kindness.
I am a revert of 6 years.I have yet to fit in with the norm. I have missed out on eids and family involvement. It has taken a long time to understand that people just don't 'get it' or 'get me'.
Do what is best for you. Find your own niche where you can find contentment. No one can possibly know what is best for you other than yourself. We are masters of our own destiny, but not over the destiny of others. Forget his family that you loved so much. Yes it hurts, but hold your head up with all the grace of an adult, not  the grief of a child. Decorate your own life with a garden of blooms instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. By doing that you know you will continue strong and that you can endure all things and that you really do have worth.
You are, perhaps, in the place where you don't know if you can follow Islam anymore. That also is normal and expected. Again, I have been there. So don't make rush decisions regarding Islam. Take one day at a time. YOu have done nothing wrong. Allah will always protect you. YOu are a choice woman in THe eyes of Allah. Pray as you feel comfortable...go about each day as you feel comfortable. ANd remember we are here for you.
May Allah bless you and send those good people to you to give you help.
Hugs,
Martha xx
 


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 07 October 2009 at 4:38am
No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.[/QUOTE]  

I just wanted to point this out.. he laughed / mocked for one's belief /faith in Allah... WOW.. shows just how ignorant even  Muslims are. And does he have no fear! Wow..


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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 07 October 2009 at 4:42am
Asalaam Alaikum Sincere,

Welcome to the Forum.

1. You are right that it his contact with this woman - if he is spending time alone with her is not acceptable in Islam.

2. If you did not have kids, would you want to stay with him? It is really getting into your motivations.. what do YOU want.

3. And in the end you need to decide do you want this or not. For some women it will be okay. But you need ot state what you will and will not put up with.

Keep us posted.


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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 07 October 2009 at 7:13am
hi,
to
http://www.islamicity.com/forum/member_profile.asp?PF=53284&FID=89 - ak_m_f
 
Please no personal attack on any community,there are good an bad people every where so dont point on the whole community or race for few bad people,you dont have the true islam in you i think,so learn deen and then comment plz leave the forum.
Angry


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 07 October 2009 at 12:04pm
Originally posted by Hayfa

No, I am not gonna leave this place, no matter how hard it is. I won't go home to my country. My husband mocked me before he left about how helpless and vulnerable I am and that I cannot survive on my own here without him. He told me to go home .He asked, "who is gonna help you?" The first words that came out from me was, "Allah will help me." He laughed, then got angry and said I was naive to believe life works just like that. I will prove him wrong. I will trust in Allah to help me and I WILL rise again and go on with my life as best as I could, and I won't go home. This is a challenge I have to take.
  

I just wanted to point this out.. he laughed / mocked for one's belief /faith in Allah... WOW.. shows just how ignorant even  Muslims are. And does he have no fear! Wow..
[/QUOTE]
 
 Yeah, some muslims are really ignorant. My skanky ex husband said to me he didn't care if I was muslim or not, lol.  that is a real insult to a revert...it was like a smack in the face. ANd proves it wasn't a muslim wife he wanted at all...well not here at least, hehe. He had no fear of anything other than losing his legal status. Phew...I am SO well out of it. Thank goodness I can laugh about it now.  BUt it has left me  SO doubting men, lol. SOmeone please tell me I shall recover from this current feeling.Smile
 


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: abuayisha
Date Posted: 07 October 2009 at 1:58pm

Your husband is unable to financially support two wives, and it is not legal to have two wives, so hold your ground and don't accept it.  Let him divorce you or seek a khula' based upon support if he goes through with this marriage.  Enlist the help of responsible individuals in the community to assist you, and to stop him from wooing the other woman.  It is likely an infatuation and he is not thinking carefully.  Now is the time to protest loud and clear.  Don't give in to nonsense about "helping" the sister.  There are plenty of single men to "help" her.  Encourage the community to help her with whatever financial and emotional needs she may have until a suitable person is found for her to marry.  Be strong for your kids.  Try to control your emotions as to not appear wounded.  I often wish we had Omar (ra) around these days with his whip for these irresponsible men.



Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 07 October 2009 at 3:24pm
Originally posted by sincere

ConfusedAssalaam Alaikum
I am dealing with a situation in my marriage were my husband is taking responsibility for another woman. He has not married her but is convinced that he is correct to spend his time and efforts with her. He is considering marrying her but feels that he is not out of line because it is a "lesser form of right" because he is intending to do something good in Islam.
I don't know what to do. We have children and he really can not afford to take on this responsibility but he is pretty much insisting that I accept her or our marriage will end.
 
Salaams Sister SIncere,
Sorry, I did not see this before.
I am sorry you are going through this.
If your husband really wanted to do something good in Islam then he most definately would not be spending time with her as he is right now. This is just an excuse from him. He is not following correctly.He shouldnot be spending time and money on her like this. As Brother Abuayisha has said your husband is probably infatuated with her and she is possibly using him also. Also your husband cannot afford to have 2 wives so it would not be appropriate to do so. It sounds to me as if they meet in secret also. So how can that be right?
Be patient with your husband but decide if you want to share him. As explained, you don't have to. And I am not sure your husband wants to lose you and the children which is a possibility.
Is it possible that you and your husband and children can go away for a break for a few days...to family maybe? Then perhaps he will be able to think more clearly. And try to talk to him more about this.
I do hope you and he can resolve this quickly.


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 08 October 2009 at 4:18am
Salaams,

Good advice to Sisteer Sincere.. I know a Brother who wanted two wives. But I tell you, he did everything exactly right. So it can be done as it should be.


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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: ak_m_f
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 4:04pm
Originally posted by fais

plz leave the forum.


learn to accept difference of opinion, maybe this is why your wife left you?


Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 09 October 2009 at 11:25pm
Originally posted by ak_m_f

where do you live now? was ur husband arab?

Lot of Arabs here in Canada are womanizers. I think its integrated into their culture to oppress woman and make her vulnerable.

Before Islam came they used to bury girls alive.


 Asslamu Alaikum brother, this is not an Islamic way to discuss an issue. Men of all nations like the girls and follow them. I will not provide examples just want you not to be narrow in thinking. Yeh Arabs used to bury them alive but look at the woman today in many nations. She is also buried alive in countries which are not of Arabs. This takes pages to discuss.

  Let me ask you brother, does this fact  answers or  helps the sister?
 Even reminding  brother fais of his wife is another wrong way to win the argument. I am sorry to say that. We win by telling others the truth not by going around in circles.

 My brother I believe  we all ,me ,you and all of them, need to follow the hadith:
 
  "Whosoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should say good or remain silent."

 I advise myself before you. We all are human beings.
 May Allah be pleased.
 Salam




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And whoever seeks a religion other than Islām, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)


Posted By: ak_m_f
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 12:51am
Originally posted by Full of Hopes



this is not an Islamic way to discuss an issue. Men of all nations like the girls and follow them.


The traditional way to handle the problem is to brush it under the rug so that the "integrity" of brother remains intact while sister goes through hell.

Muslim men usually who are from 3rd world country( ie Arab,Pakistan,India) with no legal status here, try to marry Canadian woman here so they can get citizenship.

These men are very backward in thinking and are control freaks. They are also insecure because Canadian woman are educated, professional and know the language.

This is why they impose ridiculous restrictions on them in name of "Islam". Reverts got no one to ask for advice and are held in dark, while these so called husbands pick "virgin" brides back home for their next wedding.

Moment they get what they want, they ditch them and leave.

I am posting this so reverts, esp woman reverts would know that just because someone is muslim, doesn't means that he is a saint.


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 1:01am
Salam,
well thats correct,just because someone is muslim, doesn't means that he is a saint but that does not mean the whole community is bad or the whole race is bad,yes men do marry canadian woman to get canadian citizenship and that is also not right in islam.


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 4:59am
Originally posted by ak_m_f

Originally posted by Full of Hopes



this is not an Islamic way to discuss an issue. Men of all nations like the girls and follow them.


The traditional way to handle the problem is to brush it under the rug so that the "integrity" of brother remains intact while sister goes through hell.

Muslim men usually who are from 3rd world country( ie Arab,Pakistan,India) with no legal status here, try to marry Canadian woman here so they can get citizenship.

These men are very backward in thinking and are control freaks. They are also insecure because Canadian woman are educated, professional and know the language.

This is why they impose ridiculous restrictions on them in name of "Islam". Reverts got no one to ask for advice and are held in dark, while these so called husbands pick "virgin" brides back home for their next wedding.

Moment they get what they want, they ditch them and leave.

I am posting this so reverts, esp woman reverts would know that just because someone is muslim, doesn't means that he is a saint.
 
 
 
You are completely correct in what you say. You also know that I have posted much on these issues that often the revert women face. It isn't that we are st**id, just very trusting of other muslims. THe world can be a big, cruel place.
 
I was so pleased to be able to ditch my husband before getting his Indefinate Leave to Remain in the UK, which would undoubtedly have led to me being ditched and wife no 2 being brought over, all because of trusting a fellow muslim. It happens so much. Of course not all muslims act this way, though I was unlucky as I generally only met muslim friends of my husband.
 
I think if fais has the time to read my earlier posts he might perhaps appreciate the kind of abuse I put up with. And in all honesty, why would I for example want to take another husband? I am grateful though for those few Asian Muslims I worked with who were nothing like my husband or his so called friends.
 
I have come a long way since I first started posting. Then I was a desperate woman...these days I am content.
 
 We should continue to warn the revert women. 


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 8:03am
Then there are plenty of women who marry fine Muslim men. And there are Muslim women who marry Muslim men her for the 'green card.'

There are good and bad people. The main thing is to do  the best you can to protect yourself. And sometimes bad things happen. Its life


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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 8:53am
Salam sister hayfa,
 
i completly agree with you,women who marry such men also need some kind of security and most of the woman do well after marrying an expat.so considering few cases we cannot generalise and blame the whole race,
regards


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 10:13am
Originally posted by fais

Salam sister hayfa,
 
i completly agree with you,women who marry such men also need some kind of security and most of the woman do well after marrying an expat.so considering few cases we cannot generalise and blame the whole race,
regards
 
Can you explain more about this comment please. I do not understand what you mean


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 10:16am
Originally posted by Hayfa

Then there are plenty of women who marry fine Muslim men. And there are Muslim women who marry Muslim men her for the 'green card.'

There are good and bad people. The main thing is to do  the best you can to protect yourself. And sometimes bad things happen. Its life
 
OkSmile We should warn all revert men and women.


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 12:44pm

  never accept a man without doing istikahar before, even if you are so sure of him. Allah knows the best.

   May Allah save us.
  peace.


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And whoever seeks a religion other than Islām, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 12 October 2009 at 8:45pm
Asaalam ALaikum,

It is not about someone being a revert or not. This has happened to people who are not reverts.. There are bad eggs all over..


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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 13 October 2009 at 12:36am
Originally posted by Hayfa

Asaalam ALaikum,

It is not about someone being a revert or not. This has happened to people who are not reverts.. There are bad eggs all over..
 
Yes, absolutely right. Lol, but I thought we had moved on to revertsConfused
 
 


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: Full of Hopes
Date Posted: 13 October 2009 at 3:44am

 I was just saying that the revert are very good people. I did not mean to say they are easy to be cheated or they are weak. I am sorry if my language was not clear.


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And whoever seeks a religion other than Islām, it will never be accepted of him, and in the Hereafter he will be one of the losers(3:85)


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 13 October 2009 at 10:09pm

Salam sister fatima,

what i mean to say is if there are men who marry  citizen women to have a stable life and those women also need something from that man,i mean they come close to eachother for some kind of security,men need a better residence status and women need a secured life where she can feel that she is having a family,a spouse makes a person complete.its no harm if the intentions are good,but yes you should be very sure that you really wanna do this as there is big cultural difference.

Regards


Posted By: sincere
Date Posted: 19 October 2009 at 9:52am
ConfusedAssalaam Alaikum,
 It turns out that my husband married this other woman without my knowledge  and things are bad. He demands that I accept her and welcome her with no problem, when I didn't agree with his marrying her in the first place.


Posted By: anderson
Date Posted: 19 October 2009 at 3:41pm
If anyone can please help me answer this important question: how do I determine if I am already divorced or not?

When my husband left, he said it clearly and without doubt that he does not want to be married anymore. So do I automatically go into the iddat period (which are 3 menstrual cycles). When the 3 cycles come around, does this mean I am automatically divorced under first talak? I have tried to contact the imam at the mosque but no one wants to answer me. I have also tried to ask my husband to approach the islamic centre together with me to determine our status but he refused to co-operate. I am now left in the lurch not knowing what is my marital status. I went on the net and I saw a muslim blog that says you cannot be automatically divorced without an arbitration or final word from the judge. Is that true?


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 19 October 2009 at 9:10pm
Originally posted by sincere

ConfusedAssalaam Alaikum,
 It turns out that my husband married this other woman without my knowledge  and things are bad. He demands that I accept her and welcome her with no problem, when I didn't agree with his marrying her in the first place.
 
Walaikum assalaam,
Can he marry another women in the US? I don't know. Certianly here another wife is not legally accepted.
 
Have you spoken with your local imam about this? I would suggest this would be a good way forward, and the imam could speak with your husband to find out what is going on.
 
As he can't financially support you both either, and the situation is bad, maybe you should see a lawyer? Maybe they can help?
 
If you don't want to accept her then you don't have to. It is wrong for him to tell you after he has married her. Islamicly that is the wrong way to go about things. As such I guess he doesn't need your permision to marry another, but he should have told you beforehand .
 
What do you want to do sister? Do you want to remain married to him?


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: martha
Date Posted: 19 October 2009 at 9:18pm
Originally posted by anderson

If anyone can please help me answer this important question: how do I determine if I am already divorced or not? 

I went on the net and I saw a muslim blog that says you cannot be automatically divorced without an arbitration or final word from the judge. Is that true?
 
 
Assalaam alaikum sister,
 
I think talaq depends where abouts you live. I say that because in some places saying talaq 3 times seems to be enough .
 
In the UK however talaq must be done with paperwork and a muslim council for talaq to take effect. For this reason I have been unable to do khula as I cannot pay the feesUnhappy SOunds ridiculous doesn't it.
 
So I am unable to answer your question. Hopefully someone here might be able to set you straight.
 
How are you coping now? IS the situation still bad financially? It seems muslims still don't seem to be listening or helping you in your area. Where do you live sister? I am sure someone here might at least live in the same country as you and be able to contact another person more local to you.
 
 


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some of us are a lot like cement:- all mixed up and permanently set


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 19 October 2009 at 10:03pm
Salam,
sister i think your husband has to say talaq than only it is accepted as talaq,in my case in saudi i filed for talaq so my brother told me that if i give talaq to her directly the procedure becomes faster as there is no hearing and you dont have to meet kazi who will try to explain that it is not good to give talaq,so now i said talaq to her thru her brother so talaq is done only the paper work is left.hope this helps


Posted By: anderson
Date Posted: 25 August 2010 at 11:22pm
Assalamualaikum to everyone here.

I would like to update on my situation since I haven't been online for a while. A few months ago, my husband came back and begged to come back to the marriage. I have never thought, even in my wildest dream that I would live to see the day this would happen as my situation seemed really hopeless and there was almost zero chance my husband would return as his mind was bent on divorce when he left me. It was really hard for me when my marriage ended, and I never experienced anything more painful in my life than what I had to go through at that time.

Anyway, against everyone's advice who had seen me suffered, I decided to give my ex a second chance without putting too much hope it would work out. It has been really hard trying to forgive and forget what happened because so much damage has been done. Psychologically, I am still traumatised by it. However, as each day passes, I begin to see the positive changes in my husband, not only as a spouse but also in fulfilling his muslim responsibility to God. He seems to a be a complete new man now. I don't know how this change happened, other than Allah is All Powerful to influence a person's heart and mind if He wishes to. I am also thankful to all the people who have prayed for me, and perhaps this is the answer to their prayers.

I don't know what will happen in the future as only Allah Knows best. But I have found happiness again presently in my marriage, and I would like to share this news with everyone who is in pain or going through some suffering - that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and we trust in Allah for all that He has planned for us.

Ramadan Mubarak to all my muslim brothers and sisters.


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 26 August 2010 at 1:46am

salam sister

Wow i am so happy to hear that,the month of ramadan has brought happiness in your life,Allah has made your husband's heart soft for you.
 
Have nice and great married life.
 
Hope this change in your husband remains forever.
 
Regards
Faisal



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