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Marriage Question, help please??

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Family Matter
Forum Discription: Discuss Family Issues
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=15476
Printed Date: 30 October 2014 at 9:44am


Topic: Marriage Question, help please??
Posted By: ameerahnicole
Subject: Marriage Question, help please??
Date Posted: 19 September 2009 at 4:20pm
First of all Eid Mubarak to all of you.  I'm a new revert to islam, I reverted the day before ramadan.  First I will explain my problem, and Hopefully will be able to get everyones opinion on this subject.  My husband is from jordan, I'm from america.  He has been here with me in the united states for almost 3 years now. Since he has been here he usually sends money back home to his family.  His father ran away from all responsibilities when my husband came here, so now his BIG family depends on each other.  He has 3 sisters working, and 1 brother working as well, but it seems like my husband is the only one helping out financially and with all their problems they come upon. We are always fighting because his families problems, it makes him stressed which makes me stressed, it seems everyday there is a new problem and we can't enjoy our marriage, we are only married 3 years, and from the first day of our marriage it has been hectic.  I don't know his family to well, but I have no problems with them, i love them all.  I don't mind helping them, they are my family to, but I can only help when I have money to spare. What do I mean by that? we don't make that much money, we are always behind on our bills, rent is always late, and we hardly go grocery shopping because he is helping them. i have told him many times, how will we ever get ahead if you are doing this, i feel like we are getting no where in our life.  This is my first eid, and he said he was going to get me a nice gift, but the money he had he sent to his family. I don't mind about not getting a gift, but I don't understand why he would promise me one, especially on my first eid.  I don't know, am i being selfish? do i have a reason to be mad?



Replies:
Posted By: Allah First
Date Posted: 21 September 2009 at 10:06am
First of all Eid Mubarak to all of you. I'm a new revert to islam, I reverted the day before ramadan. First I will explain my problem, and Hopefully will be able to get everyones opinion on this subject. My husband is from jordan, I'm from america. He has been here with me in the united states for almost 3 years now. Since he has been here he usually sends money back home to his family. His father ran away from all responsibilities when my husband came here, so now his BIG family depends on each other. He has 3 sisters working, and 1 brother working as well, but it seems like my husband is the only one helping out financially and with all their problems they come upon. We are always fighting because his families problems, it makes him stressed which makes me stressed, it seems everyday there is a new problem and we can't enjoy our marriage, we are only married 3 years, and from the first day of our marriage it has been hectic. I don't know his family to well, but I have no problems with them, i love them all. I don't mind helping them, they are my family to, but I can only help when I have money to spare. What do I mean by that? we don't make that much money, we are always behind on our bills, rent is always late, and we hardly go grocery shopping because he is helping them. i have told him many times, how will we ever get ahead if you are doing this, i feel like we are getting no where in our life. This is my first eid, and he said he was going to get me a nice gift, but the money he had he sent to his family. I don't mind about not getting a gift, but I don't understand why he would promise me one, especially on my first eid. I don't know, am i being selfish? do i have a reason to be mad?

Eid Mubarak, May ALlah make it easy for you. I think from my own life lessons, be mad, be as mad as you want to be. Then after reflect, reflect on what life is really meant to be about. Do your best as a wife, try to please Allah (swt). At least you have someone who is responsible but, I think you should tell him what your feeling, fina a way TOGETHER! To make sure your family grows, Inshallah, the problems his family is dealing with will not always be so. Try not to sacrifice too much so that you don't have anything left for yourself.
But I know it will get easier, Allah (swt) has promised " after hardship, comes ease".

Be patient sister, your marriage is new. Look at the marriages that last 30 something years, they go through difficult times but remained hopeful. Maybe all your husband is sacrificing will grant him entry to jannah. He is being responsible for those who probably without him would suffer, so if your patient with him Allah may favour you and grant you what your eyes and ears have never seen or heard (paradise).
Have a happy Eid, Have a blessed marriage, Blessed life.


Posted By: Sign*Reader
Date Posted: 21 September 2009 at 8:05pm
member_profile.asp?PF=62209&FID=89 - ameerahnicole
Eid Mubarak; welcome to Islam...Seems like you have put yourself in trial already...
Did he discuss this with you before signing on the marriage contract? or it was  one of those things caution thrown to the wind...
You are not being selfish if he is sending home your grocery money...You have all the reason to be mad... I think it is time for a session with who ever was responsible for conducting the Nikah and your wakil at the time of contract... Yes, you can be charitable but to a point that doesn't make you destitute...
Allah subhana clearly states in his revelation:

You can remind your husband if he cares to listen the following sign or this one of those green card deals, I m just wondering...
17:29 (Asad) And neither allow thy hand to remain shackled to thy neck, Asad(17,35) ../Quransearch/action.lasso.asp?-database=Quran&-Table=tblMasterTranslit&-Response=Sreply1.asp&-Error=SReply1.asp&-MaxRecords=20&-token=Asad%7C%7C%3Cta%3Efalse%3C/ta%3E%3Ctt%3Efalse%3C/tt%3E%3Cts%3Etrue%3C/ts%3E%3Cdc%3Etrue%3C/dc%3E%3Ctx%3Etrue%3C/tx%3E%3Cal%3Efalse%3C/al%3E&-op=cn&Asad=destitute&-sortorder=Ascend&-sortfield=CV&-Search# - destitute.


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Kismet Domino: Faith/Courage/Liberty/Abundance/Selfishness/Immorality/Apathy/Bondage or extinction.


Posted By: Meditations
Date Posted: 21 September 2009 at 10:47pm
AsSalam Alaykoum ameerahnicole

Welcome to Islam, and Eid Mubarak

May I ask if your husband practicing muslim ? If he is, reminding him of the basics of how to deal with money / resources in Islam should be helpful
It's probably best to not be done by you, since there's so much tension already between the two of you
Is there's someone he would listen to / consider his opinion to be of high value ? that should be the person who speaks with your husband

If he's unfortunately not a practicing muslims, then I think you and him need some counseling, preferably by someone who is muslim or understand islamic issues

May Allah (swt) guide you and your husband to the rightous path

AsSalam Alaykoum


Posted By: Hayfa
Date Posted: 23 September 2009 at 9:01am
Asalaam ALaikum Ameerah,

Welcome to the Forum.

First I would urge you to pray to Allah to guide and relieve your hardship. Often we are tested and we don't know the wisdom behind it at the time, or ever.. I know for myself during tough times I have a hard time and then see the benefits later on. Allah knows best

2nd: the economy is tough for so many people. I bet if its hitting hard here, its hitting harder elsewhere.  Of course he should not be taking grocery money. That is one issue. But the practical realities is that the 'extras' go out the door during hard times. Of course you would like the gift he promised.

i think it would also be what is being spent on family there. If it is for frivilous things.. like a giant wedding.. that is a big issue.

As meditations wrote.. maybe there is someone who could speak to him. I tihnk your husband may be overloaded.. he has many people to care for- or he feels responsible for. His wife, mom, sisters. It sounds like since his father left, he is under double pressure. May ALlah be pleased with your husband for his intentions.

It sounds like it has been hectic.. being part of a large family, especially from  other cultures is like that. When I was in Pakistan... it was amazing to see the ties to each other. Something we don't see much of in the US. 

Sister: do you have kids?  Do you work. Of course we are not under any obiligation to work. But most families go through hard times. Not that you should enable certain behaviors.. .like paying for money so his family can have great 'extras.'  Only you know what all the money is intended for.  It all depends upon your marriage, both of pesonalities etc.

Maybe he promised you a gift becausw he really thought he could get you a gift. Only Allah knows his intentions.

aS asked, is your husband a good practicing Muslim? Not only is he doing the basics of religion, but what is his character? Both are important.

Pray to Allah to guide you and your husband.

My duas for you. And keep us posted.


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When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi


Posted By: Akhe Abdullah
Date Posted: 23 September 2009 at 9:34am
As Salamu Alaikum Ameerah,Ramadan Mubarak!AlHamduillah!welcome to the forum.May Allah make it easy for you.You have been given good advice.Let Allah be your ultimate Guide.May Allah give you and your husban back Jannah for your generousity.


Posted By: salahuddeen2009
Date Posted: 23 September 2009 at 7:26pm
salam alaikom sister
iam an arab muslim man,married since 3 years&have 2kids alhamduLellah,i'm from same culture of ur husband,have lots of Jordanian friends also,& more importantly:EXPERIENCED UR HUSBAND's situation with my own family,few years ago
i'l give my comments in points,just to be easily Digested,to make u think the same way we ,arab-muslims,thinkLamp:
 
1)For u to become a muslim,this's a great thing,
staying 2 years with him without reverting to islam,is also an indicator of how Honest personality u r,i mean,u examined ur feelings towards islam,to be sure u were not pushed into it by the "POWER OF LOVE"!!
 
2)your husband is also a GREAT man,really sister,u have just looked to what he's doing from ur point of u,but ,surely he's suffering more than you do,how could you think that a responsible man like this one,Caring about relatives living 10000kms away from him,is not caring about you,living with him in the same house?he's being slayed monthly 3 times,first time when he sacrifices & sends the money that he needs for sure,2nd time when the bills come & he can't pay & the 3rd time when you start to stab him with your tongue & fight with him,making him feeling in his heart that he's not a responsible man,here in our culture,the man who can't fulfill his wife's financial&sexual requirements  is considered (a woman)
3)
i'l analysethe issue  islamic wise& culture wise:
a)Islamic wise:a man is responsible infront of Allah,as an OBLIGATION=FARD,to supply his parents,wife&kids with their BASIC (not the luxurious)requirements of ordinary life(food,clothes,medicine,education),this means that he should besure that his parents have food,same as he's sure that his wife & kids have
 
while,helping brothers,sisters&relatives is something optional,not obligatory,putting in mind that they have the priority to take from the zakat(&charity)money of the muslim(poor relatives have priority upon the poor nonrelatives,if they really need help,for basic ,not luxurious  financial support)
b)culture -wise: families in muslim communities,esp.in the east,have strong bonds & it's a big shame when people in the neighbourhood know that fatma's brother (for example) is working in USA,while fatma is wearing torn clothes or can't pay for her school
also,when an eastern man marries a western lady,the first thing that comes up to the minds of his parents,lovers,family&friends is that this western lady "will TAKE HIM FROM US",and the bets way for sure to prove the opposite is to keep on supporting them,so that they calm down & believe that their doubts have no basis at all
 
By the way,many westrnized muslim youth who appeared in the last years,really DN"T CARE about what people would say,but the majority of them will surely support their families,till the sister gets married or at least finish her  education & find a good job to support herself financially
 
4)believe it or not,all what u r suffering from now is a TEMPORARY PROBLEM,the time limit of which is the marriage of the sisters& death of parents,what i mean is:DN"T EXAGGERATE THE SITUATION,because ur husband will never stop sending this money,he's a responsible man& u should be proud of him & even sharing with him in his responsibilities(at least by not blaming him every now & then),what you should really do is to control ur expenses as much as u can,&try ur best to save money little by little,sharing with him,will make him trust you,let you enter the circle of his concerns & accept ur advices regarding controlling the Financial-Balance of ur family,while,fighting with him will make him surely do what he believes to be right,&feel that u r far away from his concerns
 
5)always differentiate between ur basic requirements & ur extra-requirements,never call him to give u the extra while u know that his parents lack the basics,Jordan is one of the most POOR arab countries
 
6)when discussing with him,try to explain the islamic concepts mentioned above regarding what's optional & what's obligatory in such payments,for example:islam will never say that you borrow money to send it for his father to buy a MERCEDES car for himself,islam will never say also that u send money to make a VERY BIG wedding part for his sister,as i explained b4,BASICS & PRIORITES are to be clarified,parents are obligatory,others are not,but to give them a push till they stand alone in their lives is something that's well-appreciated by God,&People& should also be well-appreciated by u,sister,but of course this needs also his family members to be good wise muslims,not just sucking the blood of their brother who's living abroad,i think explaining ur situation to them is not a good idea,it's as shameful thing here that a women tells the secrets of the family to her parents(or parents in law),so NEVER DO SUCH A MISTAKE,unless u find a wise member of his family who really loves u both & will manage ur concerns & complaints in a way to help u,rather than destroy ur marriage
 
7)Imagine yourself as an old mother,living in the same current condition of ur mother-in-law,what would you expect your son to do for you?History repeats itself ,for sure
 
8)again,asking about this issue,to know if u r right or wrong shows us how GREAT PERSON you are
9)
i'm sending you this link to download the books & navigate the website of this imenent scholar:
http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?id=29,196,0,0,1,0 - http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?id=29,196,0,0,1,0
 
here are some of his fatwas also:
http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?_hdi - http://www.salahsoltan.com/main/index.php?_hdi
 
Also,this site is a good informative one,u can also send whatever questions there:
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/cat/343 - http://www.islam-qa.com/en/cat/343
 


Posted By: rumanaidris@liv
Date Posted: 24 September 2009 at 2:18am
welcom to the forum sister,you are now in a new life the life that will surely lead you to aljannah,are your husband relatives grownups ?advise him to find something for them so that they can take care of themselves in the future.encourage him now dont be sad becouse he is doing the right thing and remember god will reward you here and hereafter.


Posted By: Akhe Abdullah
Date Posted: 24 September 2009 at 9:03am
As Salamu Alaikum Salahuddeen. #2 was most interesting to me you really captured the males point of view in this situation.


Posted By: fais
Date Posted: 26 September 2009 at 8:46am
salam sister,
 
well in my opinion ur hubby is in a great relegious dilema,try to understand him and plan your future properly.do good planning,try to earn extra.
my sugestion since u r a u.s citzen,migrate to gulf country like qatar or saudi arabia as u.s citizen earn a very handsome salary and good previlages plus you dont have taxes so save money there also.my mnay friends working in saudi went to canada and came back with canadian passport and now they well off,your husband speaks arabi so he also has good chance to prosper.give it a thought.


Posted By: Sign*Reader
Date Posted: 27 September 2009 at 12:53pm
Seems things might have improved for member_profile.asp?PF=62209&FID=89 - ameerahnicole ...She hasn't been back since her posting for help....

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Kismet Domino: Faith/Courage/Liberty/Abundance/Selfishness/Immorality/Apathy/Bondage or extinction.


Posted By: Akhe Abdullah
Date Posted: 28 September 2009 at 12:13pm
InshAllah



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