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Duties to Inlaws

Printed From: IslamiCity.com
Category: Culture & Community
Forum Name: Groups Men (Brothers)
Forum Discription: Groups Men (Brothers)
URL: http://www.IslamiCity.com/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=1387
Printed Date: 23 April 2014 at 3:18am


Topic: Duties to Inlaws
Posted By: Jenni
Subject: Duties to Inlaws
Date Posted: 05 July 2005 at 10:17am
Hi all, just wanted to know what you men thought a wifes resposibility is towards her inlaws. I have been reading that you are not required to cook and clean for them nor to obey them. Just to be kind and respectful. This is very different than the actions in many part of the Islamic world especially Southeast Asia where they get the newly married girl and move here in to the hubands families house and turn her in to a new maid to cook and clean for the whole family. They grooms family also expects her family to pay a large dowry for them which is why in India and Pakistan it is such a burdon to have daughters. Why are these cultural practices takeing place still?
When will you men stand up for your wives and stop treating them like maids and nurses to just care for you and your families?


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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.



Replies:
Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 05 July 2005 at 5:24pm

Jeen you said:

"When will you men stand up for your wives and stop treating them like maids and nurses to just care for you and your families?"

You also said:

"This is very different than the actions in many part of the Islamic world especially Southeast Asia where they get the newly married girl and move here in to the hubands families house and turn her in to a new maid to cook and clean for the whole family. They grooms family also expects her family to pay a large dowry for them which is why in India and Pakistan it is such a burdon to have daughters. Why are these cultural practices takeing place still?"

 

First and foremost quit judging Islam based on Pakistani and Southeast Asian culture, Islam is neither Pakistani nor Asian religion. Whatever practices they observe (in addition to Islam) in Pakistan or in Asian cultures are an incorporation of Islamic tradition and are not orthodox teachings in which general Muslims are commanded to follow. So please spare us generalizations. Oh BTW if you plan on responding by saying "I wasn't generalizing please look at the last sentence of your first post and your middle sentences to show otherwise.



Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 05 July 2005 at 8:19pm
So you are saying these practices are ok or not, and I am generalizing because generally in southeast Asia that is what happens!!

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 05 July 2005 at 8:39pm

I'm saying don't generalize all Muslim men because of what you've experience in Southeast Asia. Not all men practice going about marriage the same way e.g a married man's family may give the bride wedding gifts. It is tradition in the U.S for a married couples family on both sides to give gifts including friends of the couple. What I meant eariler that that many cultures tend to incorporate culture practices with Islam. I cannot say its right or wrong because its their culture and whatever I practice is my culture.

If you disagree with how they practice this is your choice, but what I wanted to comment is a woman coming here and generalizing other Muslim men of her experience with another culture, that is offensive. In all honesty I'm quite sick of "liberal Muslim women" asserting liberal ideas about so-called sexist cultures and not belonging to them. I believe if such actions are occuring in those societies its good to speak out against it, so long as you do it appropriately. My main problem is people generalizing other Muslim men who do not share in that culture. These are such generalizations comparable to non-Muslims at the wake of 9/11



Posted By: MOCKBA
Date Posted: 05 July 2005 at 9:17pm

Bismillah

Jenni,

In response to your question I have sourced out for you the Islamic stand on the subject and have put it for your attention earlier in the thread. And to my mind, it is made very clear. This is Islam.

As far as culture is concerned, it is not part of Islamic teachings and Islamic stands. If one's culture requires cooking for in-laws and serving them - by all means... but do not make it an obligatory Islamic practice. Respect to elders is very much encouraged in Islam and it is up to you how you want to express it, be it cooking, hugging, visiting or smiling. You are not required and you are not prohibited from doing that either.

Majority of Muslims in south east asia eat extremely spicy food. That does not mean that Islam advocates or prohibits regular consumption of chilis. It is up to you as long as it is not against Islamic teachings.  

 



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MOCKBA


Posted By: Jenni
Date Posted: 06 July 2005 at 6:45am
Mockba I agree with your point, what I want to know is how the guys feel about it. If they feel like an injustice is being done or not. Thats all, my point is to get you guys to speak up about these issues that are affecting us women and somehow try to reach the masses in those countries. For instance if there was a campain to end the giving of a large  dowry by Muslims in southeast asia from the girls family then alot of families would be saved from debt and loss and marrying thier daughters would be much simpler. They would not worry every time a daughter is born and be relieved when its a son. Why not try to change these cultural practices that hurt people????

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You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.


Posted By: Israfil
Date Posted: 06 July 2005 at 10:16am

Jenni,

I gave my opinion earlier but obviously you care not comment on it but I'll give it again. The culture in Southeast Asia I cannot comment on whether its right or wrong but since you want an answer obviously I would have to say that I have no answer. In your last sentence you said:

"Why not try to change these cultural practices"

Now in light of that you are concerned about gender biases and social financial problems in the Southeast Asian culture. Now as MOCKBA has stated anything not in accordance to Islam--is something obviously don't agree with (So I believe that is your answer) but at the same time to want to change a culture is not only a hard fight but its a fight that you would wage not only with that culture but many others. Try looking at the reality of the situtation.



Posted By: MOCKBA
Date Posted: 06 July 2005 at 10:49pm

Bismillah

Jenni, 

A person not quite accustomed to eating spicy food i might want to save those people of SE Asia from the torture they are inflicting on their tongues, throats and stomach tissues. And replace that with mashed potatoes, so popular at my geographical and cultural setting. But are they truly suffering from it? Would they share my preferences? Is it un-Islamic?

You've started the discussion questioning the necessity of serving the in-laws. (Mistakenly, you've started few with the same heading simultaneoulsy). If that's the cultural way, the way which is not strictly established by Islam as compulsory, but corresponds with general notion of respecting the elder and obedience to one's husband... why do you want to change it, by seemingly, relying on your personal understanding or tryin to impose your culture?

When it comes to establishment of obligatory dowry from the girls side by the boy's side, it is a different matter...  it is against what Islam has prescribed us to do.

These are different issues and as you noticed they require different approach in handling. Our guide and reference book is the Qur'an and it must remain as such.

And Allah knoweth best!



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MOCKBA


Posted By: candy sunny
Date Posted: 02 August 2012 at 1:11am
A wifes resposibility is love her husband and children and herself.

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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.


Posted By: Caringheart
Date Posted: 02 August 2012 at 10:40am
Wow.
I have to say that Israfil's attitude in the way he addresses Jenni does nothing to recommend Muslim man or support his words.  He does not show respect or caring for a woman's dilemma, and a simple question that could be answered with compassion.  Instead he attacks her for the way she asks her question and cries 'offensive'.  He speaks very condescendingly.

I would ask Jenni, if the custom of which she speaks appears only in the Muslim communities in India and southeast asia or in all families of all faiths.  Islam is practiced differently in different places according to culture. That would answer the culture vs. faith question.  And yes it is up to the individuals of any country to determine their own culture... and dialogue with people of other cultures helps in that process.



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