As salaam alaykum warahamtullah awbarakatuh

First and foremost,am glad to know that you're now studying the Qur'an because there're still a lot to be learnt.I believe you must have also realised the importance of knowledge in Islam.Islam isn't a religion of ignorance because even Allah(s.w.t) says we should know Him before  we worship Him,for if we do not know Him:how do we hope to worship Him?ANd Rasulullah(p.b.u.h) also made the search for knowledge incumbent on every Muslim,from cradle to grave.My dear sister,Marriage in Islsm is not by force but by mutual consent.Both you and the man must agree to live together as long as Allah spares your lives.I must also ask you if you were convinced you liked this man for Allah's sake before you went into marriage with him.Or was is because your parents said so?The reason is,if you were aware he was into some other relaytionship and still went ahead to marry him,it would not be your parents fault,except of course,you were forced to marrying him.There is no portion of the Holy Qur' an that supports adultery.On the contrary,you would find that Allah frowns on it and  prohibited it on both man and woman.Your marriage is valid as long as you did the right thing i.e.Aqdun Nikkah and you are a legal wife.What your husband is doing does not negate you as a properly wedded  wife.But the problem is in your husband's infidelity.First,you must talk to him about this and make him realize that it is a sin.If after you've discussed with him,he still doesn't change,then you can involve the people that tied  the knots for you.Be it an Imaam or  any Islamic Group you belong to.It is true that Allah permitted talaaq,but measures must be taken before a divorce is accepted.This is why you should try to see a means of getting your husband to change his sinnful waysbefore you take any major decision.This is as much as i know on this issue.I pray Allah ease your affairs(mine as well).

Allahu a'lam!

ASA
I am really sorry to read all about your circumstances, welcome to land of free sex between consenting adults of course! You should have known the people of Pakistan are no angels and once you found out the terrible things happening to your own child, your first call should have gone to the police.
You had lived long enough in the US to know how things worked, ignorance is no excuse once being in the US.
If you can write here about the sexual abuse of your son clearly means the lack of closure on the subject.
What you need do is contact an attorney and sue those folks. They are the scum of the society and need to be taken out; haven't you read about the Catholic priests sexual abuse stories?
As matter of fact your marriage is no different than lot Pakistanis' which are falling apart. They lose their minds after coming to the land of milk and honey.
These people are going to the court to get the divorces, few do have contest if some property is involved.
You are separated if you need to get the divorce you should have no problem getting one from the court, if you need one for the record. Your husband didn't treat this marriage as an Islamic marriage, it was fractured from the day one. It is too late to talk about that, the only
question is if children are mentally OK and not going to repeat the dad's story in their own lives and what do they know about their own faith to  be upright Muslims?

Mehvish,

Your Nikkah nama (I'm assuming that's the marriage contract) is questionable.  I don't believe you can sign away a god given right.

HOwever....on a secular note.  You do not need your husband to be in the US for a divorce.  You can apply for a divorce and depending on the State there are certain criteria for a "contested" divorce or a divorce where the other party does not answer. 

In Delaware, you must post an ad in the paper and they have 3 months to respond.  In Pennsylvania you file and wait 18 months (it used to be three years).  Many other states have similar laws.  You just need to fine out.  If you are poor, you can get assistance from Legal Aid. 

The Islamic divorce is something you'd have to take up with an educated Sheik.  Get a sympathetic shariah council to listen to your petition.  I'm sure you could get a divorce based on his extramarital affairs.  The rights given to women in Islam are something that us Christian women took another 1200 years to get.  You should be proud of those rights and fight for them.  No matter what that useless piece of paper that started with his lies said, God said you have a right to ask for a divorce.  I'm sure you could speak with an educated Sheik and find this out yourself.  Go to a professional. 

 

Now...

As for your son, again go to a Professional.  I used to work for a facility that was filled with victims of physical and sexual abuse.  I dealt with mostly the girls, but occasionally I would have to cover for staff that worked with the small boys.  (Women did not work with the older boys for obvious reasons)

I don't know how old your son is, but it sounds like he needs to go to counselling.  There are many good counselors out there that can help him work through the issues.  Good counselors don't tell you what to do, but guide you through your own process.  Its a long road and its not easy.  He will have many trials and pains, but with the proper help, he will heal.

Faith is also important.  He must understand that God is there to help him heal the wounds.  Seeing many victims go through the process, I know the ones who were religious faired better.  The were able to seek comfort in their prayers and scriptures.  The ones who fell into drug abuse and misbehavior took longer to heal.

As a parent, you need to be strong.  He may act out or be disobedient to an extreme level.  This is a protection mechanism because someone in authority hurt him.  So he respects no authority.

You need to be firm in your rules, but let the bad stuff run off you like water off a duck.  Its hard, but you can't let him egg you into lashing back.  It helps him reinforce his safe zone and not have to deal with the problem.

I suggest you find a good counselor (perhaps depending on location, even one who is Muslim) and maybe even do family counselling once in a while together.

I'm going to PM you a link for somewhere you can find help. 

God Bless

  Assamoilkum ,being mother  is the most beautiful thing in this world ,and ranks of mothers r very high ,when GOD  give some one high rank his responsibilties also becomes more ,mothers  have big responsibilties of good terbiyate of their children ,and  will be asked on day of judment about  their responsibilties ,

             Every mother should ask from herself have i tried my best to make my kids GOD  fearing  good muslims with soft hearts ,will my daughter be a good wife ,a good daughterinlaw ,would she  a good mother ,and will my son would  be a good husband good soninlaw good father ,have i told my son and daughter ur inlaws will be like ur parents  respecting them and obying them and doing khidmet of them will be ur duty ,have a wife ask from herself  is my husband a good son is he obeying his parents and doing his duties , some girls pretend very good muslimahs but their attitude towards their inlaws is very bad ,every one should try to feel his spouse parents as their own ,there should be more disscussn on parents and wives rights

                Every one just want to get his rights but dont think  of giving rights to  others as  giving rights to others need lot of pataince ,every one is posassive ,he is my son, he is my husband ,the word mine creats problem ,if he is urs ,GOD  has given it to u for time being ,and if GOD  has given u  HE  will ask from u about ur responsibilties ,and   HE  has power to take it from u , what would u do than ,Every one think how smart and intelligent i am how i have control my son or my husband and how i have taken  my rights ,one is smart and intelligant ,if he has GOD fear in his heart  and  he  tries best to give others their rights ,other wise he is just pretending to be a good muslim  and he is doing his own harm  and he is the biggest fool as no one can hide anything from  GOD WHO  is aware of every   desire rising in our hearts even  before it reaches ur brain so GOD comes to know first even the person himself  what we want   ,this wroldly life is short  every one has to die and will be answerable  to GOD for rights of others ,a good muslim is one who give others same what he wants for himself ,if parents  get happiness by seeing  their daughters happy they sholud try hard and pray  same for daughterinlaws,why mothers to whome GOD has given so high rank becomes so posassive and even evil that they  start feeling jaelous of her daughterinlaws happiness ,mothers r just to love their kids so she should try to feel daughterinlaw as her own daughter  home of her  is the home of her own son just pray for their happy peaceful life .and daughterinlaws should try to feel their mother inlaws same like their own mothers if in old age they scolded them in anger just try to forget it like they forget every thing of their own mothers

        Parents r mostly worried about their daughters marrige ,and about their sons there r usually very possasive and keep on delying their marriages ,i mean some ,they dont even bother to think physical ,emotional needs of their sons ,they just keep on satisfying by saying he is too young he is not stable to take responsibilties of marriage ,why they r not worried if he will do any thing wrong without marrige his parents will be same responsible for his acts ,and answersble to  GOD and sometimes boys just get  married by self so we should try to guide and help happily our sons when they need a patner   ,we should fear GOD  about our responsibilties ,children are big naiymet  of  GOD ,ask those who dont have them ,Good terbiyate of kids is parents responsibilty and they will be asked on day of jugment ,others like grand parents and nannays can help but only parents can feel pains of their chilren if they will go on wrong path ,so we should try hard to make our children  GOD  fearing good muslims with soft hearts, who can feel pains of others ,ALLAH HAFIZ

 

Edited by mehvish

Assamoilkum ,my parents were impressed by religious attitude of my inlaws and they were pretending very good behaviour ,its not that every one is likethis in pakistan ,there r good and bad people there ,its ur luck what u will get ,as its a bad thing in pakistani culture mostly people have diffaranent faces ,there is no protection for women and kids ,mostly women r treated badly ,they r not even consider humens ,they spend their whole lives in doing khidmet of husbands and inlaws and whenever their husbands whish they can push them out of their homes with or without kids ,i love ALLAH and islam but when in a muslim country a woman goes to intensive abuse by so called muslims it hurts alot ,i want to make good muslim friends to share my feelings and heal my self ,thanks to everyone for giving time ,ALLAH HAFIZ