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rashidr
 
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Quote rashidr Replybullet Topic: I hate living with my in-laws
    Posted: 14 December 2006 at 11:56am

 

Assalam u alaikum,

I dont know how many of you remeber my last post which I posted earlier this year but since then there have been many changes. I moved in with my inlaws and it was the most horrible experience of my life. I never thought I would say this but they are horrible people and it is sad to know that even though I married into my family (my husband and I are first cousins) I have been treated nothing less than an insignificant piece of crap.

We moved into my inlaws house and we lived with techniicallyf or only one month as they left the country to visit one of my husbands siblings abroad. During that one month, my mother in law made my husband and I fight continuously, she snooped around my stuff that was in her basement (as we were trying to save money on putting our furniture in some rental stoprage facility which at this point I think would have been a better decision) and she wouldnt stop giving me some hints of how I dont cook or clean and that I dont even take care of my husband. Knowing full well that I would goto school int he morning and come back at night with my husband as we had only one car and could not come at different times.

My father in law, my mother in law, my husband and I got into an argument one day because my husband was sick of the way things were going. His parents hardly ever spoke to me and I never spoke to them because of how bad they made me feel about myself. His mother just went on a rampage of how my husband always blames her(which is utterly untrue, he accepts her mistakes to me but never has said that to her and has always asked me to be patient) and his father-my own uncle- told me that I am too connnected to my own family back home and that is why I dont consider HIS family as mine. I dont want to consider them as mine because of how low and trashy their attitude is. I hated that whole month and was on the brink of divocring my husband. I told him he has too much baggage and I did nto get married to have people tell me that I should sit in the house and cook and slave after my inlaws. My mother in law started screaming almost on how I never once offered to cook (I left at 8 am and came back at 9pm sometimes with my husband and the weekends we were always studying or relaxing with eachother) She could not even handle one month with me and many times wouldnt even let me near the stove in case I screwed something up. My mother in law is uneducated and very cultural. Her own daughters dont want to live with their in laws and one of them forced her husband to give her her own place which he did. My aunt (my father in laws sister who is my maternal aunt) said thats because my husbands sister put up with her in laws for 11 years and had four kids and EARNED that right. Ofcourse this is bologna to me. SO I have to wait 11 yrs and have 4 kids to do the same? along with all the bitterness it causes? My mother in law would be happy when my husband and i would fight and i could see it on her face. I would be left staying in the room crying while my husband went out and had a cup of tea with his parents talking about politics!(which his mother cannot even participate in because of how uneducated she is) She tried every mean possible to show me how she can cater for her son better. She consciously told my husband how happy she is these days (equating the reason to his moving back in) I was miserable and even though they are not here and are not returning for another mont and a half, I am furious with them and the way they have acted. I am pregnant now and just found out. My husband told me that we will get our own place and we are moving in soon InshaAllah, before they come back. My problem is that I hate them so much that I cannot even stand ot bear them. Iw ish them the worst and the difficult time they caused me.

My other problem is that I never want to live with them again and my husband is the only son. I dont know how to solve this issue. His parents think that now that I am havign a baby I should learn how to change diapers than take finals (I graduate this week and they know this) I however have plans to goto Graduate school inshaAllah and be a role model for my kids. I plant o be with my kids and have my career revolve around them even if that means leaving school. However, I do intend to keep my life whether or not I have kids. I donot want to be like his mother who is soo bitter and full of jealousy and takes it out on me. I knwo she feels like she never got to study, not because she wasnt allowed to but because she wasnt smart enough. My father in law tried to teach her things and send her to school but it was useless. She didnt have the brains for it. My father in law is also the only son and had to live with his parents for 13 years and in 2004 my grandfather passed away so he is still living with his mother. Both my FIL and my MIL are so bitter and are always complaining about not being able to go anywhere because somebody has to be with his mother. (EVEn though right now, he is abroad and has been for 4 months and left his mother with his sisters) My faither in law and mother in law tell my husband all the "evil stories" about my grandmother and how bad she used to be to my mother in law even though I see no need to talk bad about an 82 year old woman who is a widow and can barely walk. This gives my husband st**id ideas and besides that, she is my maternal grandmother (and the only one i have left) and I donot like to hear bad things about her all the time.

I want to know once and for all whether I have to live with his parents. My father in law, being very knowledgable, having translated the Quran, a retired physician has told me that they are my responsibility and that eventually I have to take care of them not necessarily my husband. My husbadn will be at work and I will have to attend to them and run the "household" and they are ready to give me these responsibilities now!!!! I mean Iw ill run my own house the way I want and never under my mother in law- a woman who intereferes in my life and continuously jeopardizes my relationship with my husband. How can I ever respect this awful person? I do hate her and cannot even hug her. I am full of venom especially since his mother was so rude to my mother when my mother confronted her about my situation and asked how i was. She said she didnt know and that my mother (who also has only one son) has a daughter in law "then we will see" were her exact words. So she wished my mother bad?? I hate her and I need a solution. I dont care if my hsuband is the only son but his parents have enuff money to move wherever we move and buy a place wherever we buy it. My husband says he will never say no to his dad if he asks that they live with him. (My parent s in law with my husband-in essence me too) I need an answer to this and I need to resolve this now before it gets out of control more than it already has.

Im sorry this has been very long, but it is built up frustration that is coming out and in my opinion it is justified.

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rashidr
 
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Quote rashidr Replybullet Posted: 14 December 2006 at 12:08pm
Also, earlier this week while I was looking for a matching hijaab in my mother in laws closet (which my husband asked me to do when I asked him if I could look for a matching hijaab as I knew she might have one) I found a wedding present with my husband my name on it from my best friend and her husband. Apparently this present was given to us on our wedding (over 2 yrs ago) and was a necklace with Allah on it. My mother in law never gave it to me and whats worse is that I never even know I got this as a present from my best friend! I called my friend and asked her what she had given me on our wedding and she told me she gave us money and a necklace for me. A small Allah necklace and even described the box it was in after I forced her to remeber what she hd given it to us in. I am so furious and showed my husband this. He said if it is mine then I shoudl take it but before they come back to put it back int he same place I found it and he will take care of it from there. He says he will pretend like he found it and ask about it. Ofcourse I know his motehr will lie and she lies through her teeth all the time and will do the same here or say she forgot or that its not ours, only the box is. I donot trust this woman, I dont know what else of mine she is hiding and how many times she has snooped around my belongings when i wasnt at home.Please advise me as I love my hsuabnd but cannot live in circumstances such as these.
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Jenni
 
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 14 December 2006 at 2:30pm
rashidr, I feel for you. I think it is very bad to live with your in laws. Unless they are very kind people. Obviously yours are just trying to make your life hard. Save yourself some grief. Peace
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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niqab_ummi
 
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Quote niqab_ummi Replybullet Posted: 14 December 2006 at 5:29pm

Assalamu'Alaikum Sisters,

Well your family member that told you they are your responsibility is right!

My husband is the only son he had an older brother but he passed in his youth. About 7 years ago I suggested that we bring his MIL to live with us she had been widowed and since than she just had been staying with her daughters she didn't want to live in her house all alone.

I didn't really know her that well I had in previous years taken our kids to Egypt to stay during the summer months but spent most of my time with my SIL's and their kids. I did think she was very nice though.

I want to point out that not everyone should be leary of someone that is undeducated because my MIL is not educated she grew up in a farming village and never went to school. But she is kind and wise about many things.

It was very difficult with her the first 3 years we never fought but every once-n-awhile we would butt heads about minor issues...like garlic was more flavorful than onion...etc silly things really.

I learned to keep the peace and avoid issues that might arise by just being extra nice even though she never uttered a word against me. I always show her more respect by serving her tea first asking her if she needs anything even when I know she doesn't and putting great importance on small projects that I ask her to do for me around the house. We both have our likes and dislikes and Mash'Allah pretty much have split the household chores and cooking between the two of us. She never gets in the middle of raising the children Alhamdulillah she just goes with the flow and I think that's why the kids love her so much because she never has had to do any of the disciplinarian type of duties.

Oh, but what a culture shock for her so many new things it was almost like teaching another child everything when she came to live with us she had never seen or used automatic anything from dishwashers to clothes washers toaster microwaves etc, and she had only ever been in a car a few times in her life so Alhamdulillah after about a year she surprised me at the boys soccer match by opening the car door all by herself....lol it sounds crazy I know but try being preggers and having MIL and 3 boys and being the coaches wife with all of the balls and cones and everything....she would just sit with my purse on her lap until I could assemble the stroller line the boys up pass out the balls and cones and than get her out of the car...I still remember the day she figured it out I just got my youngest in the stroller and all the stuff out of the minivan and I heard a huge SLAM and looked over to her side of the car and there she was smiling and waving to me as she walked down the hill to the soccer field....

I'm so sorry you're unable to have a good relationship with your MIL and FIL it's so important to maintain a good realtionship with our families as muslims. I know it must weigh heavy on your husband especially since Jannah lies at the feet of the mother I'm sure he wants to make her happy as well.

Maybe some distance will help you and your family to work things out. Also, when things calm down try to forgive them for their mistakes and make ammends even if you know they were unkind. Allah(swt) will reward you in this life and in Jannah for caring for your family even under difficult situations.

MasSalaama

Umm Abdelkhalek
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rashidr
 
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Quote rashidr Replybullet Posted: 14 December 2006 at 8:24pm

Dear Niqaab_ummi,

WEll I guess you got lucky when it came to your inlaws. Unfortunately mine are not like that. The fact of the matter is that they are NOT MY responsibility but are my husbands and I do realisse that. However, she has ruined this relationship herself. I did not come in as an evil person but circumstances make you bitter. Islamically, I donot owe them anything but tolerance which I practice only for the sake of my husband. If a situation arises that she might be a widow, whcih could be possible since my fatehr in law is not in perfect health and is much older than my mother in law, ofcourse she can live with us. But she will get treated the way she is treating her mother in law, my grandmother, right now. One of the punishments of this world is that you get treated the way you treat your parents. My father in law had lots of fights with my grandfather and accused him of many things, one of whcih is that he sided with my grandmother and never used his own mind. My grandfather passed away soon after that. Now my mother in law is given 3 meals a day and kept in a small room in the house. It would be impossible for my inlaws to know if she even dies in there because they never talk to her. She comes out to eat lunch and dinner and goes back into her room and my inlaws donot try at all to socialise with her or keep herbusy. They just complain about her and how difficult it is to keep her happy and how they cant go anywhere because of her. I have no sympathy for my inlaws and they deserve everything they get.Even if it is from me.

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Quote almostthere Replybullet Posted: 14 December 2006 at 8:55pm

Dear rashidr,

Assalamu-aleikum. No, they are NOT your responsibility. They are their own sons responsibility. Whatever you do for them is out of the kindness of your heart.

And there is NO law saying that you have to live with your in-laws. It is EVERY women's right to have  her own home with her husband. Which of course DOES NOT mean that once they are not able to take care of themselves anymore they should be dumped into a nursing home etc. But still, it is everyones haqq to have a private life.

There are unfortunately a lot of misconceptions about above issues. My own husband and his whole family think that the woman is a kind of a slave, there to do everything for her in-laws. Of course they think that only about their sister-in-laws, when it comes to their OWN sisters, there is a complete different set of rules.

So sad to see that man who have sisters themselves have so different standards for their wifes. Everything they do to their wifes, is happening to their own sisters, and they are too blind to see.....

And sister, I have seen things from both perspectives, as the wifes, and as the sister-in-law, who would have liked to see her brother and his wife stay with my parents. But even me told them it is better to move out and have a peaceful life, and be able to regain respect and trust for her in-laws (nobody looks good under a microscope) from  a distance. And even though they are my parents and I am biased, they are wonderful people and never meant to hurt anybody, but still my sister-in-law was profoundly unhappy, even after living with them for just 2-3 month (the rest of the time they were not home).

I can see from my own female standpoint how disturbed she was living with in-laws.

Things are better now that they have their own apartment, even though no daughter likes their parents to live alone...

Hopes up, sister, inshallah everything will be fine. Just don't let anybody talk you out of what is your haqq given by Allah.

Salaam

(I am sorry I cannot quote exactly where I got the above information from, I have read a lot about it though and have lost some books during the move).

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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 15 December 2006 at 10:57am

wow.. wow... wow...

Some people are truly disfuntional.. to treat other people this way is not right. Guess your MIL could not abide her son getting married and not being "her's" anymore. Commom decency is just lost.  You are a human being. Where is there anywhere in the Quran that it is okay to treat ANYONE so poorly.  Maybe she (MIL) needs to read the Quran and the Hadiths more.

Some people get the easy in-laws and others.. well..

Feel free to write... sometimes it helps to get it off your chest so to speak.

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 15 December 2006 at 1:38pm
alomstthere is right, they ARE NOT your responsibility in any way. Other than being kind to them since they are your elders. But you ARE NOT required to cook, clean and serve your in laws or take any abuse or mistreatment from them in any way shape or form. Your husband is required to care for them but that does not mean they have to live with you. My brother in laws wife and my mom in law don't get along. They split the house into a duplex and each side is a seperate house. My mom in law knocks before ever entering the house as it is my sister in laws and brother in laws home. And my sister in law also respects that my mother in laws side of the home belongs to her. My brother in law is right next door and sees her every day and so do the grandchildren. However my sister in law and mom in law stay away from each other except for special occasions where they try to remain polite. I think it is the best way for them and everyone else.
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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