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Message Icon Topic: girl from the U.S. vs. boy from Back Home Post Reply Post New Topic
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yr2005
 
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Quote yr2005 Replybullet Topic: girl from the U.S. vs. boy from Back Home
    Posted: 06 December 2006 at 1:47pm

dear helpful sisters,

i am new to this forum and i am seeking some advice. i have been married for  a little over a year and i am facing some serious marital problems. while i have always been told that the first 6 mos-1 year of a marriage is the most difficult, i feel as though it keeps on getting worse. here's my story:

my husband was a student here in the u.s. at the time of our marriage. being that he was raised overseas and i was raised in the u.s., i feel as though we are 2 completely different people. why i did not realize this before we got married, i do not know. i am constantly asking myself, did i not see it? or did he have me fooled? i feel as if he makes a big deal over everything, he is trying so hard not to assimulate, and he always puts down those that do assimulate as being horrible people. i get offended because my family raised wonderful children here in the u.s. and i feel as though upbringings here are better than those over seas. i feel he is always trying to put his foot down with everything, constantly telling me "i am the man, and whenever u give a girl an inch, she takes a mile." i am shocked and surprised at his point of view (he said this to me right after getting married). his was raised in a household with a dominant mother figure, and thats most of the females in his family are.  i feel he is taking every precaution not to be in the same situation, but his precautions exceed normal limits and are pushing me away.

there has been a lot of resentment due to the fact that he is a student who is not focusing on his studies as well as he should have and bcause i am the sole financial provider in our household. the fights are getting horrible, his temper (and mine) are getting worse and worse. although i am not claiming to be perfect, i really am trying to keep my cool and not pick on everything he says in hopes of eluding a bigger conflict. i have been under a lot of stress trying to maintain financial stability and be a good "housewife," trying my best to keep a tidy home, make dinner every night, etc... its been hard and i really get frustrated when i do not see him focusing on his studies, and as a result, i have some resentment towards him. when

when we do argue, it snowballs and gets way out of hand and he now is deciding to give me the silent treatment for days (whereas in the past, he would always apologize right after the argument). he keeps saying that he wants to "raise" me the way he wants and "teach" me a lesson. i am so hurt by this, because no one deserves that. this past fight, i tried to talk to him, and he told me that i am not the wife he thought he wanted to marry and that i had to change a lot in me for him to change his point of view about me. this hurts.

so if i am not the wife he wanted, and he is not the husband i wanted, what do we do? i do not want a divorce, and i cannot see myself being a divorced women so soon, but what do i do? i do not feel as though there is any love between us and sometimes wonder if he is with me for financial reasons (until he is done and finds a steady job). he is young, and he lacks any real guidance. he is still in a point of his life where his friends are his #1 priority (he goes out really late at night with them), he constantly chooses them over me. he has a horrible temper, his family even knows how bad his temper can be (over ridiculous things, too). we do not communicate at alllll. he talks to his female family members everyday on the phone for more than 1 hour and i feel as though all that he would have to say to his wife at the end of the day is said to them, so by the time we are together, he feels he doesnt have anything left to say. how can i fix this? we have tried bringing the families into this, but it has done no good, it has only created resentment and more problems. there are some obvious issues in our relationship, and i am even willing to go seek some couseling, but he would never dare go. please help me or advise me on what i should do. thank you sisters.

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lulu7
 
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Quote lulu7 Replybullet Posted: 06 December 2006 at 5:36pm
Wow--I can say-this happened to me the first year of my marriage too.  He wanted to "change" me into being perfect, but I am me-and he did come to see this as time went by.  The first year was very hard trying to be perfect for him, making sure food is ready,clothes washed and ironed,house tidy, etc... it wasnt easy.  But as time goes on they tend to realize we are human not machines or robots and we too get tired and stressed out.  The silent talking for a few days, yep, that too I dealt with to teach me a lesson too.  As I am dealing with that now as he is just starting to talk to me again.  Some people are saying it's so childish, but i agree, yet these are our husbands not just boyfriends or fiances and in my mind and background I do not accept getting divorce just because of arguements, you try to work them out. As long as it is not physical arguements. I guess what I'm trying to say is, talk to him about how you feel, trying to be the perfect wife for him, trying to change,etc. As for talking on the phone with family members for long time on phone....well-that will always happen, it does for me, but explain that you would like some time with him by yourself.  Good luck...and be patient..it will get better inshallah.
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yr2005
 
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Quote yr2005 Replybullet Posted: 07 December 2006 at 6:25am
i feel so releived that i am not the only one that is going through this. thank you for your kind words and your advice. i feel like before, he used to appreciate me a lot more, he would help around the house (as i have a full time job, i cannot possibly do it all) and he would offer to cook sometimes, etc.... now, it has all changed, he doesnt care if i haven't taken a break until 9p.m., the rudeness is increased, i really feel like he has turned into a monster and i feel like there is no way that we can go back to the way things are and be so in love again. last night he told me he wants me to change, and if he is satisfied, then he will think about changing himself. how does that make sense?? he likes to boss me around and order me what to do, for example: turn the t.v down (when it already is, just because) go inside, do this, do that, get out of my face, just to get under my skin. i do not believe that men can be happy and go about their business, fighting with their wives for days. inshallah things will get better, god has tested my patience sooo much in this past year and i really feel like i am going to burst. 
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taliyya
 
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Quote taliyya Replybullet Posted: 07 December 2006 at 12:54pm

Maybe he's jealous of you because you're so hard working and it makes him look bad that he's not studying like he should or making money like a husband usually does. Maybe he feels like he's less of a man so he tries to compensate by finding "shortcomings" in you and by being rude.

If you two felt there was enough you liked about each other to get married in the first place, there is reason for you to fight to keep your marriage. Try talking to him when he's calm and tell him how you feel.

Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Verily Allah forgives all sins.
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yr2005
 
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Quote yr2005 Replybullet Posted: 07 December 2006 at 1:19pm

you bring up a very good point, and it may very well be the case...the question is how do i deal with it? should i bite the bullet and try to be as patient as possible until he INSHALLAH finds steadiness? i am a little afraid that if i succumb and "bite the bullet" he will get used to this and when he inshallah is done w/ his schooling, he will not change. could this just be the way he is? everyone says that as a wife we have to be patient and let things go and try to make our husbands as comfortable as possible. but its a catch 22, in my opinon, because we will be taken for granted eventually. what do u think sisters? is that wat is happeneing to me? after being so good and patient, im being taken for granted and taken advantage of?

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Quote Abeer23 Replybullet Posted: 08 December 2006 at 1:16am

As salamu alaikum, sister I don't know your whole situation but from what you've stated, yes, you're being taken advantage of.  As a wife, you have rights in Islam.  Know your rights and demand them.  Listen to your inner voice sister.

I had a friend in China that went through something similar to what you're going through.  Both she and her husband (a Chinese guy) were working.  However, since she was American she earned about 8 to 10 times more than he did (he wasn't educated).  He treated her like...... I can't even find the word to describe it.  He didn't spend time with her, he was also rude, and he told her what to do with her money (made her put it in their joint account).  They were married for about 4 years in China.  Then once they (actually she) had saved up enough money, she helped him get a visa to the States.  In her mind they were going back to live happily ever after.  They'd been in the States for all of TWO DAYS when I got a letter from her saying that she woke up and he was gone.  I was shocked that she was shocked. 

Now, like I said I don't the details of your situation.  But you do; so you have to look out for yourself and do what's right for you.  Letting someone mistreat you doesn't make you a better person, it just makes you a mistreated person.  Your situation doesn't call for patience (from what I know of it).  It calls for your husband to study his religion, fear Allah, and do right by you.

Salaam 

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yr2005
 
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Quote yr2005 Replybullet Posted: 08 December 2006 at 6:27am
do you think that if i start to keep the money that I earn for myself, would he come to appreciate me more? i know in islam what a women earns and her property is soley her property and she is not obligated to invest her finances in upkeeping the household, pay bills, etc... (correct me if i am wrong). i have wanted to do this, but i feel that it would be selfish on my part, but i need to some how "shake" him a bit and i feel the only way is to withhold my money from him for a bit. i mean, he obviously isnt in the mariage for papers to come to america, as we are already in america and he is a citizen. the ironic thing is that my husband prays 5 times a day, and in all other areas of life, he is a "religous" guy (the main reason i married him). i always thought that a man who fears Allah and is religous, will not do you any harm. and i used to mak dua' to God asking him for a religous, pious guy who fears Him, and then i met my husband shortly after. i dont understand it. how do i go about trying to fix things, i know talking will probably temporarily fix things, but i need to really get to him, wake him up, and make him change. any advice?
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Quote Abeer23 Replybullet Posted: 08 December 2006 at 11:45pm

As salamu alaikaium,

do you think that if i start to keep the money that I earn for myself, would he come to appreciate me more?

Maybe, maybe not.  Some people are just ungrateful by nature. 

i know in islam what a women earns and her property is soley her property and she is not obligated to invest her finances in upkeeping the household, pay bills, etc... (correct me if i am wrong). i have wanted to do this, but i feel that it would be selfish on my part,

You're absolutely right!  Your husband has no right to your money.  You do however have a right to his.  Meaning, it's his responsibility to take care of you financially regardless of your own financial status.  How can this be selfish?  This is the right that Allah has given you.  If anyone calls you selfish, he/she has committed blasphemy against Allah.

i always thought that a man who fears Allah and is religous, will not do you any harm

You thought right.  A person that trully fears Allah obeys Him.  Outward actions alone do not make a person "religious."  There are also a lot hyporites (munafiqeen) out there; so we can't simply determine one's character by how often he/she prays, fasts, etc.

and i used to mak dua' to God asking him for a religous, pious guy who fears Him

Have patience sister.  We don't always get what we pray for.  And many times we do get what we pray for, we just have to wait a little while.

but i need to really get to him, wake him up, and make him change. any advice?

Of course you can talk to him, or have someone you both respect talk to him (do you have a big-brother?  They come in handy).  But ultimately, you can not change him/his heart, only Allah can do that.  Take for example our holy prophet;  he loved his family and tribesmen, but many of them rejected Islam.  Allah revealed the verse saying:

28:56 "It is true thou wilt not be able to guide every one, whom thou lovest; but Allah guides those whom He will and He knows best those who receive guidance."

Don't worry sis.  Allah promisses that with difficulty comes ease.  In sha allah, things will get better for you one way or another. 

Salaam

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