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wafiyah
 
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Quote wafiyah Replybullet Topic: feeling lost
    Posted: 28 April 2005 at 7:45pm

As-salam aleikum,

i am new to this forum my name is wafiyah, i am 41 and i took my shadda a year ago, i fell for my teacher and we married 6 months ago.  i was never married before nor had i ever lived with a man.  he is 57 had several marriages before and has been working on overcomming an addiction, i tried my best to help, but a month ago he became abusive to the extent i  ran from my home without my hijab on i was so scared, i asked for a khula and it was granted i am currently in idat the three month period i have to wait my problem is i feel so lost and like a big failure that i have had to end my marriage he has tried to get me to come back but what he did i can not feel safe with him i still love him and miss him terribly i have days when all i do is cry i pray and ask Allah to help me through this very sad time i have no one to talk to who isnt bias everyone i talk with tell me to be done with him and move on but i cant seem to. please forgive me i just dont know what to do or who to turn to  for advice shurkron for your time As-salam aleikum

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kim!
 
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Quote kim! Replybullet Posted: 29 April 2005 at 12:13am

 You poor thing! Maybe you should have waited for him to get over his addiction before you married him. Changing a man, especially one of his age, is never easy and mostly impossible. But, it's too late for advice like that, of course.

DO you have family you can stay with? Other Muslims? Are you working? No matter what he says, do NOT go back to him in any hurry. Or maybe not at all. Violence is absoutely unacceptable and as unhappy as you are, you will only be MORE unhappy if he abuses you again.

You are NOT his punching bag. You are a worthy human being who deserves respect and love and all those Good Things.

Are you working? Can you support yourself? I assume he owns his own house? If you can support yourself, go out and get yourself a place to live. I assume you would have to rent a place for 6 months or 12 months. (that's how it works in Australia, anyway. Landlords ask that you sign a contract for 6 or 12 months). If you have signed up to rent a place for a set period of time and he owns his own place anyway, then you can NOT just run back to him because you have obligations. That way, if you ever DO decide to go back to him, it's after a sensibly long period of time, during which he must get treatment for his addiction, his anger and his violence.

DON'T go back to him unless he does all these things.

Maybe you should get an agreement written out that he has to sign (several copies) stating that he will get treatment and will leave you in peace. Make sure he includes receipts for doctors and whatever treatments he has.

Good luck and don't forget to look after yourself FIRST!

Kim...

 

 

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wafiyah
 
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Quote wafiyah Replybullet Posted: 29 April 2005 at 6:11am

Shurkran Kim,

before we married he told me he had not done drugs for 4 months and i belived him i believed everything he told me i am a bit niave with the way of bigger city life we live in a smaller city i wasnt raised hard like he was so i had no reason to distrust what he told me i asked his friends what he was like with his other wives everyone told me he was a good brother and he was teaching and working his deen as far as i knew and all i ever wanted to be was a wife and mother to late for the mother part but i was a wife i had a husband and home to take care of and run ya know he tells me he won't deal with kufars (drug rehabs, counslers) Allah is the answer which is true but isn't working for him he tells me i will be his payee so he wont have control over his money and when i am talking with him on the phone he sounds right but then when i am off the phone i can "hear" his old ways his convincing me talking me into things again it tears my heart apart i am going against Allah in divorce and the man who was intrusted with me, my heart has ripped it apart  i am soooo lost   i am living with my father i am seeking SSI for disability i have arthritis and sleep apneia i am a very large lady which he didnt care about he loves my character my heart my father is not muslim but tolerates that i am and father says i am lucky i am alive that if i go back to him i may not be again and that he is sure there would be a next time and father wont talk about (him) again my husband is a black man and i am white another thing father has against him i am just confused and lost and i apologise for rambling.... skurkran for your time and advice  

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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 29 April 2005 at 8:40am

Auzubillahi minash shaitan ir rajeem,

Bismillah ir rahman ir rahim,

Dear sister Wafiya,

Assalamualikum wa ramatullah wa barkatuhu,

 

I am very sorry to hear your story. Keep your faith in Allah, and hold fast to his religion, insha allah He will show a way, to deliver you from your difficulties.

 

It can be almost devastating when the very person you trust turns out to be an abuser and does not possess the qualities, you saw in him at first.

Sister, there are all kinds of people everywhere, Muslim or no Muslim, who would prove to be bad husbands. Drugs is haram, and abusing ones wife is worst of characteristics. Our prophet (SAW) has said, the best among you is he who treats his wife best.

You have absolutely no obligation to live with him, nor to go back to him.

 

Allah has given the permissibility of divorce, such that one needs not be tried beyond one’s limit.

 

It will be very difficult for you in the beginning, I can understand, however, be strong, and find a new life (away from your husband).

You depression, loneliness and insecurity is understandable, but one cannot feel safe and blessed in the company of an abuser. Just hold on, stay firm in all your religious duties, and try to recite the Quran as much as you can, you will find your strength insha allah.

 

Try to find a job, stay with your father if you can, and try to find some involvements that will take your mind off your situation. On many occasions, depression can be handled by just not giving oneself a chance to visit those thoughts that pull us down.

 

Rabbi yassir, wa la ta’ssir

Rabbi tamim bilk hair.  Ameen

 

Maa salaama,

Nausheen

 

 

Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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ZamanH
 
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Quote ZamanH Replybullet Posted: 30 April 2005 at 11:32am

As salaam Alaikum ukhti Wafiya,

I have an advice for you. Whenever you make any major decision in life always consult your friends before you make up your mind.

 

 

An enemy of an enemy is a fickle friend.
There will be more women in hell than men.
..for persecution is worse than the slaughter of the enemy..(Quran 2:191)
Heaven lies under mother's feet
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wafiyah
 
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Quote wafiyah Replybullet Posted: 30 April 2005 at 8:27pm

Skurkran for everyones advice,

 i have an udate, my husband has agreed to go to coounseling a muslim counsler, i have told him that is all it shall be for now for i am going to go slow with this, i have rayed for Allahs guidence in this and our juma khutba was hitting my right in the heart and i asked our imeer if my husband was permissable to me as in counseling to see if there is anything to save to see if he might want help with his addiction, and to talk of our relationship inshalla all will be ok but i am going to go slow not go to the apartment unless another is with me i am not scared of him now but right after i was i take his agreeing to counseling as a good sign but i am not blind  nor have i forgotten that night i was a month ago and still in my mind all this i have told my husband over the phone Allah knows best and i will follow what i have in my heart i do love my husband and he wants me to be with him the rest of his life so inshallah  i will try and we shall see. again thanks and any other thoughts are much apreciated i see some light now and i continue to pray for guidence  

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DawahGirl
 
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Quote DawahGirl Replybullet Posted: 04 June 2005 at 11:15am

Salams...  I think you should stay away from him.  But Allahu'alim.

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Lameese
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Quote Lameese Replybullet Posted: 04 June 2005 at 11:26pm

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I will pray for you. But I agree that you should stay away from him right now. Make sure he is going to his counsler meetings. Also, ask him to take a Anger Managment course. He could kill you next time and dead is forever.

I will pray for you.....

Lameese

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