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ambreenq
 
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Quote ambreenq Replybullet Topic: husband and his addiction to porn
    Posted: 16 July 2006 at 11:52pm

Married for 5 years but now my husband has started to spend alot of his time away from me and my daughter sitting on the internet.  I always find tons of videos and pic for naked women, sex and he always denies them.  Recently i found credit card statement of his signing up for dating service.  He denied that aswell.  I have started to feel really bad about my self and everyday i think of divorce.  I have no support from anyone where i live.  Dont konw what to do and where to go.  Feel very alone.  If some one has some dua or something that i can do to get me through this...it would be very helpful.  I just want to be a 100% there for my daughter who is 2 and also dont want my crying and being depressed have any effect on my soon to be born baby.  I am due in 4 months.  His actions are making me pay for them.

take care......aq

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herjihad
 
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Quote herjihad Replybullet Posted: 17 July 2006 at 6:38am
Originally posted by ambreenq

Married for 5 years but now my husband has started to spend alot of his time away from me and my daughter sitting on the internet.  I always find tons of videos and pic for naked women, sex and he always denies them.  Recently i found credit card statement of his signing up for dating service.  He denied that aswell.  I have started to feel really bad about my self and everyday i think of divorce.  I have no support from anyone where i live.  Dont konw what to do and where to go.  Feel very alone.  If some one has some dua or something that i can do to get me through this...it would be very helpful.  I just want to be a 100% there for my daughter who is 2 and also dont want my crying and being depressed have any effect on my soon to be born baby.  I am due in 4 months.  His actions are making me pay for them.

take care......aq

Bismillah,

What religion are you?

It's a harsh reality, but maybe you're not familiar with it yet.  It's called, pull the cord on the computer.  You don't need it more than he needs to get away from that stuff, do you?

Don't you have a relationship of communication together?  Yet when someone denies something that you've caught them at, that's really bad.  Take charge and either increase your anti-porn settings or cut the cord.

Peace

Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.
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ak_m_f
 
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Quote ak_m_f Replybullet Posted: 17 July 2006 at 7:46am
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Hayfa
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Quote Hayfa Replybullet Posted: 17 July 2006 at 9:41am

I say sell the computer and donate the money.. or hide it.. denial is a bad sign, who else does he think is looking at them, your child?

 

 

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
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Jenni
 
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 17 July 2006 at 5:26pm
I would file for divorce, that is unless he confessed to all and agreed to counseling. He would be out of the house before he knew what happened, be served papers. Shock and awe, thats what I'd do. But I would never allow myself to be naive.
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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foody
 
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Quote foody Replybullet Posted: 17 July 2006 at 5:56pm

What religion is he? If he is Muslim you should ask him wether he fears Allah or not. When one do major sins, and repent and fear Allah and never do it again, then that is a very good thing and should never be opened for discussion or thought of again. But if one doesn't fear Allah and doesn't repent and deny,and continues to do Major sin and you give him many warnings and he ignores them..then you must do a major step.  We live in a very evil world today and just so you know it, the more days pass by, the worse the evil will become.

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najamsahar
 
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Quote najamsahar Replybullet Posted: 19 July 2006 at 6:52am

 

 

 

Dear Ambreenq

 

You need to plan your life. Make all the dua you can but remember that Allah has made many provisions and ways with which a muslim should live a clean life.

 

I would suggest the following

 

For the present time, maybe 2 weeks or more, whatever your mental status is

 

1)      Stop confronting him. He will continue to deny and will become desensitized and you will lose any little hold on the situation that you have. Ignore what he does, think of some activities to do while he is “on the internet” so that your mind is off him.

2)      Keep all evidence that you have like credit card statements or tel numbers of dating services in a safe place.

3)      Use this time to get a hold on your feelings. You need to come to a point where you are fully convinced of the reality, the problem is his and your whole family will not pay for it.

4)      Become involved outside the house and make friends, get a support system going. Being lonely will make things very difficult for you. You can also look at counseling services in the area, maybe through your mosque. These days imams hear plenty of stories like these and they probably will know what works and doesn’t.

 

 

 

 

After you gain emotional distance and a support system and advice from a local imam etc, this is the time to confront him, tell his what he is doing is wrong because of the kids/your feelings/its haram/ etc etc and threaten to leave

 

If he refuses to change you will have to make a choice to stay and put up with this or leave (temporarily). Its bad but some people need a taste of what they lose if they don’t give up what they are doing.  You may go to a relative or friend or be on your own. You need to be away for a susbstantial period and not go running back as soon as he says he is ready to change.

When he has had a time to reflect and when you are somewhat sure of the remorse, you agree to put things back to where they were on a set of conditions and he is on probation. If he is tempted to foul again, he knows by now that you won’t put up with any more trash.

 

Whatever you do, your aim should be to end this habit of his. Many times couples go through a cycle of ups and downs where one person apologises and is forgiven but then he/she goes and does it again. Believe me, years of your life can go away like this and somehow you will end up in a zone where to the pain will numb and all you feel is a disgust that you did not do better for yourself and your kids.

 

You can also cut the cord etc, but he can also go online in an internet café, in a friends house.

 

 

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ambreenq
 
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Quote ambreenq Replybullet Posted: 27 July 2006 at 10:53pm

I greatly appreciate all of the advice and support from all of you who took time to reply to my MSG.  Reading the comments gave me strength to go through this.  I also got a better understanding on how I should approach this situation with a clear mind and how to better communicate with him on this subject.

najamsahar your advice was one of the best.  Once again I thank you for your time.  : )

AQ

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