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Message Icon Topic: How to deal with difficult MIL Post Reply Post New Topic
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Angela
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Quote Angela Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2006 at 10:10am

Yes, little people are neat.  I have friends with a 2 year old daughter we spent the 4th of July with....I got to hold her during the fireworks.  Maybe in two or three years, that will be my little girl.

BTW, anyone heard from 222?  Is she doing okay?

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Suleyman
 
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Quote Suleyman Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2006 at 11:42am

As salamu Alaykum Sister Maryah,

Angela is one of our beloved sister that none of her words can be misunderstood from our sides,no problem about her words and i see nothing wrong inside,she has the right to say what she feels deeply from her heart,all i had to say was this woman is wrong but also the way of approaching to her we made is wrong also whatever she made or not,calling a mother’s behind as a oxymoron or monster in law,should not be! and unacceptable inside of ic society,i never remember to say that this woman has right to demand whatever she wants from her son...

Angela wrote: What kind of perspective leads a person (me i think) to think that its okay to demand from your son (with his pregnant wife living in a hotel) money for expensive cars, facials and clothes? 

Again  i repeat with regarding you, no way that i support her demands but the issue is more complex rather than throwing names on her,Let’s see the perspective then:

I am trying to finding the main road between two sides,brides and mother in laws,there are some perspectives you can't understand till to arriving to your elder days this is why i can't tell my issue...but when you reach these old days,you will see things are not going on the way beside the books...this is why i wanted to say please go also from the mother in laws's perspectives that something can be realized more also waiting you on your ends as they are the mothers highly experienced with their pasts whether in this thread’s mother is good or bad, we are trying to finding general solution Rather than throwing some anger to the issue which will not help us to solve their problems,are we ready to o a hard work or let we stay here like a wind passed and gone with a anger?,if you are ready, we should solve the issue politely without breaking their hearts because they see the world different than the other women which i am going to try to imitate a little bit on their situations… 

 Let we all imagine a little bit...

"Imagine that your are a mother, as an first consideration you are an woman,you have arrived to your older ages under the effects of loosing your womanity,your husband is anything rather than a guest watching tv in the house forgets to say his love on you more than a decade passed and nothing make sense on him more than a refrigerator,all life and it's beauties are frozen,entering to the streets inside the society seeing the women living their springs and comparing herself with them and  realizing that she looses her beauty,she sees her hands as not smooth as in the past,she sees she is not attractive as attractive she had to do in her past...things are changing and a heart of a woman can not hold these kind of changes if she had not taken serious education on Islam or something similar to.

Keep on imagining that you are getting older day by day while seeking the old days but something is pulling to you to your end,of course your ends has it's own beauty but a heart of a woman who has been left lonely or at least not understanding the things happens going inside,she can not hold these kind of processes...

She tries to find some gates for turning to the past then remembers her offsprings for a escape to prove that she still lives with the soul she has been protecting for awhile till to these older days, this is why grand mothers or MILs’ highly seek their offsprings and want to see them on their besides,a son at the university and his expenses or living in home,his problems waiting to be solved is an great mission for a mother also the one chance of turning to her active younger days,this is the thing  she is only able to catch beside of the others she lived and finished.

Cares on them from their head to their toes,so deeply and passionly that sometimes the offsprings gets bore without seeing how her heart burns on their existences…

A grandson or a son;highly she cares and loves,she feels her existence inside of them but a time comes that suddenly shakens her soul with their marriage and their leaving the home,the last chance she found for surviving on this world flies with a bride,a bride who is younger and attractive,sweet and lovely takes all the considerations of her son on her to a another side ,but once more the mother in law becomes happy that she sees her son in the wedding,yes her success carried him to these days that she gets proud of the things happen but after awhile she realizes that something changes…………………………..

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… …………………………………………………………………………

After that side dear Angela,the mother in law has two ways to go, the first is for revenge and the other one is joining to the family still having her love from them…

Before knowing what she has chosen and why,let we all know that we can’t judge anyone from one side with only hearing one side’s words with an angerly making comments on

 

” 005.008
YUSUFALI: O ye who believe! stand out firmly for Allah, as witnesses to fair dealing, and let not the hatred of others to you make you swerve to wrong and depart from justice. Be just: that is next to piety: and fear Allah. For Allah is well-acquainted with all that ye do
.”

This is my perspective rather than adding any solution more than slogans or names also offering some money to that sister,these solutions are artificial solutions,coming to the real solution it needs heart and afford, all i have been calling to this rather than blaming,the perspective i live needs this and this is my honor can not be put under of foots from a one side looking and blaming  my deep thoughts…

As an result,if the mother seeks revenge under her feelings living that all her affords on her son gone to the air then we must call her smoothly that Allah all counted the things she had done in her past and she will be honored at the other world regarding her smoothly also with regarding her in this world while living,i believe she will relax after an period of refusing then i believe she will accept this noble perspective or at least we should go on that way for the name of Allah…

For this perspective i have remembered a conversation when i was at the army permanently doing my obligation,there was a man in the group who was causing some problems to us while we were praying beside our beds you know how they are in a large room normally at least 35 beds ordered on line from two sides,this man was getting angry of our prays while she was listening heavy metal,some of the soldiers were calling him please shut down they are praying then he was getting angry saying this is not up to my music they should enter our…day by day he became more angry,he was also the kick box champion of my country who is also a inspector in a  bank that so many soldiers were scaring to say him stop listening music while we pray…it was an big problem to deal with this person bcs he was refusing to discuss and things will go to fight will not be good for us you know he was the kick box champion…then one day he became ill that no one helped him while he was sleeping ill in his bed then i became beside of his bed and asked him if he needs something,he said no…i said ok…but it was not enough for me that i went to the restaurant and brought some delicious foods for him that he amazed when he saw bcs he was eating anything for two days and forgotten what a delicious meal can be…after that sweet happening he never refused to listen music while we pray,he switched off before we pray without our request….this conversation proves the power of the first perspective!!! And her it’s ayat…..:

 

013.022
YUSUFALI: Those who patiently persevere, seeking the countenance of their Lord; Establish regular prayers; spend, out of (the gifts) We have bestowed for their sustenance, secretly and openly; and turn off Evil with
good: for such there is the final attainment of the (eternal) home,-

Then second perspective comes,f the mother jumps into the family with doing some works inside the house,please let her do with watering plants or washing the house or dishes or caring your littles,she really feels your happiness inside of your that she threats like that…please be patient… so many of brides does not give permission on that side….but let her do bcs you are one of her last happiness…feel the treasure on your side…

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………… ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

A person,brother Suleyman….



Edited by Suleyman
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europa
 
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Quote europa Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2006 at 12:45pm

S,

I'm trying to understand your perspective, but I want you to see ours too.  I can't speak for 222, so I'll speak for myself.  It was helpful to read what you wrote about the MIL's perspective.  Sometimes I get upset and hurt by things she says and does, and I need a reminder about what her side might be like.  So thanks for that.

That being said, I have never spoken unkind words to my MIL.  When she is mean to me, I stay quiet or walk out of the room.  She does these things as a means of control.  I know it hurts her that I her son has another woman to love, but he chose to marry.  It's not me that she doesn't like - it's any woman that holds my title ("his wife").  She will have to explain herself on that when she is judged. 

Her doing my chores is a way of control, so she can show how much more important she is to his life.  I used to not say anything even though it bothered me because I thought she just likes to help.  Then I heard from other family members that she said I was lazy, and don't lift a finger in my own home.  That's when I put my foot down and told my husband to tell her to mind her own home, and leave mine to me.  Before we married, my husband did what was right - he offered me a space to call my own, and I agreed to living with his parents as long as we had our own space.  I don't know as much as other people about Islam, but I do know that a husband, if he can afford, should provide his wife with privacy and a separate residence.

I am a peaceful person, and I never like arguing or disliking anybody.  That said, I have suffered enough.  Being respectful doesn't mean that somebody can walk all over me.  My MIL has her place in my husband's heart, and I have mine.  One isn't better than the other - they're just different places. 

The reason that I wrote in reply to 222 was to offer some advice from my own experience.  That's what this is for, right?  Are we here to help each other or call each other sinners?  A husband has an obligation to provide for his family - so if mom's overseas getting $250.00 face creams and riding around like a queen, wife and child here deserve shelter, food, clothing and comfort.  This is about excess and control versus obligation and necessity.

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Suleyman
 
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Quote Suleyman Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2006 at 1:18pm

I know sister,i also know your feelings,also i can write your stories how you have been suffering from them with an teasing side but i do not want to seem to having all i see from sides or just having fun with the issue because there is a serious problem can not be taken lightly...both side,i love all of them just wanted to find a solution...if the MIL has written here telling her story,be sure of that i will also write to her bravely that you will all cheer up to the words..you know i lived with my grandma for two years and i know what she has done to the brides and also brides's defense to the grandma....

May Allah help all of us..

But you said:so if mom's overseas getting $250.00 face creams and riding around like a queen

Sister,just ten minutes ago i have brushed my red neck water turtle's back with Colgate Triple Action,after your words,i feel guilty....

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Angela
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Quote Angela Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2006 at 1:29pm

Suleyman,

Perhaps its just that the women in my family do not treat each other or their inlaws that way.  My Grandmothers are wonderful to their daughter in laws.  They drive to help them with the housework, stay at the house when new babies are born, never treat them like dirt.  My grandmothers call their son's wives, daughters.  And they mean it.  My family is very much about including the newcomers, not excluding them.

Losing her womanhood????  My grandmothers are proud of every wrinkle.  My mother's mother worked hard her entire life and has never had fancy things.  She's quiet happy to have her grey hair and "arm flabbies" as she calls them.  She's 75 as of yesterday and has never had a care for vanity.  And she was GORGEOUS as a young woman.  My grandmother was from all accounts one of the most beautiful women in town.  Vanity is a sin.  A moisturizer doesn't need to cost $250 to work well.  There are some very good ones that cost more like $25 from cosmetic companies that are fine.

A Mother in Law who views her daughter in laws like the enemy is mentally ill.  These are daughters that her sons have given to her.  If she feels that this gift is beneath her, then she's got more problems than just feeling old.

I'm looking at passing that mark of youth.  I look at the mirror and see the lines at the corners of my eyes starting to extend.  I feel the arthritis in my bones and see the pounds that hide my once curvy figure.  Aging comes to us all, we can't escape it, we cannot run from it and we can't stop it.  So, really, I am looking at this woman and the more I think about it, the more it angers me. 

We, Mormons, believe the family to be eternal.  The mothers and children are forever connected, but also the spouses and their inlaws.  I will forever be bound to my late mother in law and father in law.  I look forward to the day I will meet my mother in law.  Everyone that knew says we would have been best friends.  I also look forward to the day, God Willing, when my son brings home his wife and makes her part of our family.  Or my daughter brings me a son...

Instead of trying to understand someone's vanity, perhaps the vain person should be forced to look at themselves and what their actions are doing to the family at large.

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Quote Suleyman Replybullet Posted: 07 July 2006 at 1:40pm
....happy end!!!,we all agreed....My Dear Sister Angela,insh'Allah, Allah will give you a gift for your peaceful heart,take care...

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222dnallohc
 
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Quote 222dnallohc Replybullet Posted: 10 July 2006 at 4:23pm

Wow this thread has new life all of the sudden.  My husband and I just moved into our house alhamdulillah.  No more hotel- I am so happy about that :)  My stress level from MIL has decreased a lot, I am just putting the problems out of my mind.  There is no way to politely talk or reason with her about all this- she refuses to listen and will NEVER admit when she is wrong.  I just keep quiet and havent said a thing to her....luckily we dont have to live together.  We still havent spoken in a very long time.  Maybe some day we will, but right now its better this way.

Things are going fine for my husband and I.  Our real estate agent is giving us a rebate from her commission and it will pay for our baby items.  My husband is a wonderful negotiator :)  Things are really looking up, and my father in law is trying really hard to put his family back together...I think I mentioned that there were some problems.  So inshAllah, things may work out eventually.  If things were better within the rest of his family, maybe there is hope that the problems will stop between MIL and us as well.  If MIL decides to ignore her grand daughter, she is really going to miss a lot :(

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Angela
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Quote Angela Replybullet Posted: 10 July 2006 at 8:40pm

222,

That's great news.  I'm so glad to hear things are going well.  Its nice to see things are going well.  We'll keep you and the little princess to be in our prayers.

God Bless,

Angie

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