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schwester
 
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Quote schwester Replybullet Posted: 27 June 2006 at 8:51am
Originally posted by amah


Originally posted by ak_m_f

Whats MIL?
Monster-in-law.




old age is the hardest test in life.

Edited by schwester
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schwester
 
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Quote schwester Replybullet Posted: 27 June 2006 at 8:57am
Originally posted by Angela

Originally posted by Lameese


After you get setteled, PM us and give us your address (better yet, get a p.o. box and just give your first name and last innital)  and we can send you some things. Just make a list of what you need and we will see what we can do. Take help when it is offered too.



That's a good idea.  For safety's sake.  There is also Target and Walmart baby registries....she could set it up and then just let us all know the account.  We can buy the stuff in our home towns and she can pick it up at her local walmart or Target.



some bro here said me not to give everyone even my msn. said, that a woman got to his office finding him through his such infos. lol, who knows who is who behind the screen
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europa
 
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Quote europa Replybullet Posted: 05 July 2006 at 3:06pm

222,

When I read your story, it sounds like it's coming out of my mouth.  I have been married almost 4 years, and I live with my in-laws.  Yep, live with them in one home, with a separate apartment (that my husband and I share).  My MIL is a lot like yours, except much more manipulative.  She plays everyone in family against each other, and causes a lot of problems but always pretends she's the victim and she didn't mean to hurt anyone.  She used to try to wash my clothes, but I had my husband put a stop to that.  She still cleans out my garbage, waters my plants, and does other things my husband repeatedly tells her not to do, and she always try to lure him to her kitchen with food and coffee and silly things.

I feel the pain you feel when you see how much your husband has to suffer because of his own mother - it's one of the hardest things I've experienced.  I think (if you're like me) you wish you could help him, but you just don't know what to say or how to say it.  We've started to see a counselor to help us deal with how hard she makes our life, and I'd like to share some things that might help you.  First, you don't have to live near her, so please thank Allah profusely for your fortune - many aren't so lucky.

Next, one thing our counselor told us that's helped me tremendously is that you (and I) are a part of the family - like it or not.  That doesn't mean get on the phone and yell at your MIL, but it does mean that your opinions matter, at least as far as your husband is concerned.  Your husband should hear them (and you should be respectful giving them).  Just because she's not YOUR mother doesn't mean that you don't have a say.

Also, make sure that you and your husband are a united front.  I always had the problem (and still do, a little bit ) that my husband would put his foot down with his mother, and she would come to me and I would give in because I want her to like me.  Don't do it.  You may not have to be in that situation, but take it from someone in your boat - if you are, be careful.  People like our MIL's look for ways to divide and conquer - they only want to get their way.

One last thing.  I don't have children (yet), but it sounds to me like you need to put your foot down with your husband in providing for his family.  You and your child(ren) should be his main concern.  What's left after (as far as money and time and emotions) can go to mom, and not the other way around.  Your child shouldn't come second to anyone in the world.  That doesn't mean that he should drop her and forget she's alive.  It just means that he took a wife, and you both decided to have children, and there are consequences involved like diapers and baby food. 

She doesn't have to like you (just as my MIL doesn't like me), but if you're respectful to her and try your best, Allah will see this all.  And by the way, another lesson I have a hard time learning is that just because you're respectful doesn't mean you should let people walk all over you.  Be strong, sister, and may Allah help ease the burden I know you feel on your heart.

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Suleyman
 
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Quote Suleyman Replybullet Posted: 05 July 2006 at 3:51pm

May Allah bless your sins dear brides,

When you will reach to their ages you will understand what a mistake you made then will begin to cry trying to turn back and saying it's my turn,i did to my MIL and now me seeing the same things from my son's bride with understanding what a bad thing you did in the past...i know the story and it's end,no way to escape if you made a mistake like that,you value the issue from an absent perspective,you will see the whole perspective when you become a MIL but it will be too late to correct,you know time has no mercy and these kind of issues beside Allah has no exception,sharp price it includes....

017.023
YUSUFALI: Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of Honor. 
017.024
YUSUFALI: And, out of kindness, lower to them the wing of humility, and say: "My Lord! bestow on them thy Mercy even as they cherished me in childhood." 
017.025
YUSUFALI: Your Lord knoweth best what is in your hearts: If ye do deeds of righteousness, verily He is Most Forgiving to those who turn to Him again and again (in true penitence).
017.026
YUSUFALI: And render to the kindred their due rights, as (also) to those in want, and to the wayfarer: But squander not (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift.
017.027
YUSUFALI: Verily spendthrifts are brothers of the Evil Ones; and the Evil One is to his Lord (himself) ungrateful.
017.028
YUSUFALI: And even if thou hast to turn away from them in pursuit of the Mercy from thy Lord which thou dost expect, yet speak to them a word of easy kindness.
017.029
YUSUFALI: Make not thy hand tied (like a niggard's) to thy neck, nor stretch it forth to its utmost reach, so that thou become blameworthy and destitute.
017.030
YUSUFALI: Verily thy Lord doth provide sustenance in abundance for whom He pleaseth, and He provideth in a just measure. For He doth know and regard all His servants.
017.031
YUSUFALI: Kill not your children for fear of want: We shall provide sustenance for them as well as for you. Verily the killing of them is a great sin.
017.032
YUSUFALI: Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil, opening the road (to other evils).
017.033
YUSUFALI: Nor take life - which Allah has made sacred - except for just cause. And if anyone is slain wrongfully, we have given his heir authority (to demand qisas or to forgive): but let him not exceed bounds in the matter of taking life; for he is helped (by the Law).
017.034
YUSUFALI: Come not nigh to the orphan's property except to improve it, until he attains the age of full strength; and fulfil (every) engagement, for (every) engagement will be enquired into (on the Day of Reckoning).
017.035
YUSUFALI: Give full measure when ye measure, and weigh with a balance that is straight: that is the most fitting and the most advantageous in the final determination.
017.036
YUSUFALI: And pursue not that of which thou hast no knowledge; for every act of hearing, or of seeing or of (feeling in) the heart will be enquired into (on the Day of Reckoning).
017.037
YUSUFALI: Nor walk on the earth with insolence: for thou canst not rend the earth asunder, nor reach the mountains in height.
017.038
YUSUFALI: Of all such things the evil is hateful in the sight of thy Lord. 

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schwester
 
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Quote schwester Replybullet Posted: 06 July 2006 at 10:17am
oh ya, i soemtimes go crazy, i like laughing. but this oone is the wrong thing to do on. i apologise. but anyway, sister's MIL is different. the things hse's doing ar enot islamically acceptable.
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mariyah
 
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Quote mariyah Replybullet Posted: 06 July 2006 at 10:59am
Originally posted by 222dnallohc

Thank you for all the responses :)

MIL= mother in law (although it can also mean monster in law too I guess!)

I feel so sorry for my husband.  He has always stood up for me, and never believes any of the stories she makes up.  He told his mother last night how she is making him feel (about not asking about the baby), and she proceeded to make up additional stories about me, accuse me of not really being a Muslim, told him I ate pork in front of her, and said some pretty nasty words to him that I cant even repeat here.  I told him I dont want to know the bad things she said.  Basically she said she does not accept our marriage (even though we have been married for 10 years almost) and that she doesnt accept her grand daughter either.  Now I know why he didnt want to talk to her about it...because I think he knew what she was going to say and he just didnt want to hear it.

I feel very sorry for this woman...I really do believe now she is a sick person and needs help.  I have to keep remembering that what she does is between her and Allah...she will have to answer for it some day.  Ive decided to give up trying to find a solution, because there is no solution.  I will continue to keep my distance, but encourage my husband to send whatever money he thinks he can afford each month, and continue talking to her.  I think if he just keeps all his conversations with her focused on HER and nothing else, she will be happier and will leave me alone inshAllah.  All I need to know is if she ever makes any threats against me or our baby, she hasnt yet, because if she does I WILL take some kind of legal action to protect us.  I often fear that thats what this may come to eventually....its scary.  My husband did confide in me about a couple of very physically abusive incidents that happened to him when he was a child around 9 or 10, things his mother did.  So I always have that in the back of my mind...she is capable of physically hurting someone.

Our little girl will have a wonderful grandmother, my mom, who is so excited about her arrival.  Shes been more of a mother to my husband lately in all the hard times he has been through...while his own mother wasnt there for him emotionally in any way, even when he was on medical disability for three months last year, and even when he lost his job because of it...she didnt act like she even cared.

I am going to try my very best to put this situation behind me and stop stressing about it, its hard to do, but we are very happy together and our lives will be even more full of joy when our daughter arrives. 

Is this woman in the states? I would contact a lawyer and sue here for slander if she were:

No wonder your father in law sends her money to stay away! She should get off her kiester and get a job if she chooses to be so extranvagant. if I were your husband I would send her NOTHING,

She does not deserve it if she is slandering the fruits of her own loins.

She will answer to Allah (swt) for her disobedience. Foster relations with the FIL... Your husbands first concern should be his wife and  child, not an ungrateful and blackmailing mother.

Peace be to you and your family sister, Inshallah this woman will find another place to spend her bitterness and hatred, she will have to answer for her actions on the Last DAy.

 

"Every good deed is charity whether you come to your brother's assistance or just greet him with a smile.
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Suleyman
 
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Quote Suleyman Replybullet Posted: 06 July 2006 at 11:03am
017.023
YUSUFALI: Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of Honor. 
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mariyah
 
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Quote mariyah Replybullet Posted: 06 July 2006 at 11:13am

017.023
YUSUFALI: Thy Lord hath decreed that ye worship none but Him, and that ye be kind to parents. Whether one or both of them attain old age in thy life, say not to them a word of contempt, nor repel them, but address them in terms of Honor. 

 

Brother Suley it is not contempable to not send someone money for ludicrous things.

 Really she should be more obedient. She is her husband's responsibility, not her sons.

If she was starving, I could see it, but to pay for someones lasik eye surgery, that is vanity.

I would send her credit or a gift card from a site to purchase food or such necessities.

Not for plastic surgery.

17:26 And render to the kindred their due rights, as (also) to those in want, and to the wayfarer: But squander not (your wealth) in the manner of a spendthrift

So are we squandering our wealth if we are financing laser eye surgery for the purpose of vanity?

"Every good deed is charity whether you come to your brother's assistance or just greet him with a smile.
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