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Message Icon Topic: How to deal with difficult MIL Post Reply Post New Topic
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Angela
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Quote Angela Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 9:06pm

That's possible...I just played around and set up a baby registry with a fake name but my real info.....the address is not shown, but she will have to put arrival city and state.....

http://www.walmart.com

Look for Jane Smith, Provo Utah, arrival date, January 1, 2007

See if you can get my address and full real name from that site.

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222dnallohc
 
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Quote 222dnallohc Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2006 at 10:10am

Lameese-  Mabrook!  Congrats on your little girl :)  Unfortunately he has stated a million times to her how our situation has been and she refuses to accept it.  She says if he really cared he would find a way.  And in fact she doesnt believe what he tells her most of the time...she told him she wants to see his offer letter from his new job so she can see what his salary is because she doesnt believe him.

Well sisters, my husband doesnt want to sit down and talk to his mother about his feelings because he says she just blows up on him and it makes the problem a million times worse.  But I think this lack of communication is part of the problem...how is she supposed to know how she is making him feel if he never tells her?  He is just trying to ignore things, but I see him suffering.  She just doesnt act like a mother, unfortunately. 

The last time he visited with her last fall, she spent a lot of time telling him lies about me...for example when he asked her why she was spending so much on face creams (when she says she doesnt have money), her response was that the last time she and I were shopping together I, his wife, did the same thing.  It is a totally made up story she told him...a complete lie.  She also told him that she bought me a pair of sunglasses and I never thanked her...I bought the sunglasses, she didnt.  She accuses me of taking money from my husband and sending it to my parents..which has never happened.  These kinds of things are just MINOR examples of what she has said to my husband.  Its so shocking!  And its not like shes old and doesnt remember...shes only in her 50's.  She has malicious intentions against me and it makes me feel very sad.  I never did anything bad to her to deserve this...all I did was marry her son and I guess thats enough for her.

At this point, my in-laws are not speaking due to their own problems, but my father in law is still supporting his wife even though she doesnt talk to him.  She is putting my husband in the middle and telling him to lie to his father about certain things so that her husband will send her more money.  She has been traveling between the US and middle east and her husband doesnt even know.  My father in law gave her the money to pay off her $5000 credit card (the eye surgery one I mentioned before) and she kept the money and is making her son pay the bill instead (she never told him she got the money for it, he found out from his dad).  Its really horrible.  There is no honesty.  What is my husband to do?  When he refuses to lie or questions anything she does, she goes hysterical and accuses him of abandoning her and tells him what a great sin it is to not stand up with his mother.  She has said some pretty hateful things to him in anger, like she hopes he fails at his job, that she wishes she never had a son because daughters will always be closer to their mother, she has called both of us very bad names during their conversations, etc, etc.  As bad as all this sounds, its actually worse!

It will interesting to see if she changes at all when her grand daughter is born.  I am not expecting it.  If I ever see her again, I really want to sit down and talk to her about how she has hurt me, but my husband keeps telling me that she will never understand, so dont bother.  I just dont know what to do...it causes my husband so much stress and I hate seeing him like that.  He is always upset after he speaks to her.  Ive asked him not to talk to me about her because its not my business, but he brings her up anyway because he has no one else to talk to about it.  How do we get out of this dilemma?

Thank you sisters for the idea about the registry :)

Jazakallahkhair

 

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Angela
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Quote Angela Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2006 at 10:50am

222dnallohc,

Dear sister, know you're in our prayers.  Focus on the little blessing that is about to arrive and know that she's got a loving father and mother to care for her.  I know its hard, but focus on the positive. 

When I was married, my father in law and one of my three brother in laws hated me.  I wasn't Mormon, I was liberal, democrat and from the east.  I didn't "know my place" and they let Mathew know they didn't approve.

Now, they are loving but still distant.  Its taken 5 years of work and 1.5 years living under the same roof.  (I tell you, living with 6 men is pure HELL.....especially with no other female relatives in my husbands family at the time.)

Marriage mellowed out my brother in law, time softened my father in law.  Its not perfect.  We still have our differences, but we focus on the good and not the bad. 

It sounds like your MIL is well known for her behavior in the family.  Share your husband's grief but inspire him to focus on his new child.

God Bless you and Keep you,

Angela

 

"When filled with God's love, we can do and see and understand things that we could not otherwise do or see or understand. Filled with His love, we can endure pain, quell fear, forgive freely, avoid contention, renew strength, and bless and help others in ways surprising even to us."


 



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Quote Abeer23 Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2006 at 10:11pm

As salamu alaikum,

Congratulatins sister!!  Since you're having a girl, how about naming her "Abeer." Ok ok, I had to try.

It is the son's responsibility to take care of his parents.  That is why zakat cannot be given to parents (only sadaqa can).  However, Allah places no burden on a soul that it cannot bear.  Your husband rizk is determined by Allah ta'la.  He should give his mother what he is able to.  If that's only $500, then so be it.  His other brothers should be helping as well.  If they don't Allah will ask them about this on the day of judgement.  Even if your mother-in-law has a horrible attitude and is very demanding and selfish, she's still his mother.  He still has to respect her, be dutiful to her, and treat her with kindess.  Allah will bless him and you .  I must say, I'm glad my mom isn't like that.

As far as you getting a job, don't do it unless you want to.  And even then YOUR MONEY IS YOURS.  You don't have to pay bills, buy pampers etc.  Put it in the bank, invest it, do whatever you like.  (if you're as crazy as I am about babies you won't be able to resist the baby shops so kiss your money goodbye).

My brother isn't rich and has a family of his own and my mother has her own money.  But still, he sends her money.  He also sends money for my sisters and me as well.  Why?  Because it's his responsibility in front of Allah azza wa jalla.   Sadaqa to family is Sadaqatain.  Not mention I babysat all of his kids for free.

Stay strong sister, In sha allah, things will get easier for you.  Think on the bright side, your mother -in-law is in Lebenon not the States.  Again, congratulations.  Try not to get to upset over all this drama.  Remember, the baby feels everything that mommy feels.  So try to think positive happy thoughts.

Salaam

 

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Quote ak_m_f Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2006 at 11:50pm
Whats MIL?
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amah
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Quote amah Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2006 at 11:54pm
Originally posted by ak_m_f

Whats MIL?


Monster-in-law.
Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)
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Quote amah Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2006 at 11:57pm
Abeer,

I definitely plan to name my daughter "Abeer" (Insha Allah if I have one).

Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)
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ak_m_f
 
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Quote ak_m_f Replybullet Posted: 16 June 2006 at 11:57pm
Originally posted by amah


Originally posted by ak_m_f

Whats MIL?
Monster-in-law.


aahh... girls and their slangs.........
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