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222dnallohc
 
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Quote 222dnallohc Replybullet Topic: How to deal with difficult MIL
    Posted: 15 June 2006 at 9:29am

Asalamu Alaikum,

I dont even know where to begin.  My husband and I have known eachother for almost 12 years and have been married for almost 10.  We are expecting our first baby in less than two months.  A few months ago, my husband lost his job and was out of work for two months, and he had no income whasoever.  Alhamdulillah my husband was able to find an excellent job and is now working, although we were forced to move to another city for the job.  I had been working part time and used the money I had saved for the baby to pay some of our bills during the time my husband wasnt working.

My husband has been having problems with his mother for some time now.  She is still married and her husband gives her a VERY large amount of money to live on every month (she has lived away from her husband for many years to accompany her two daughters at college), plus her rent is paid for in addition to that.  She doesnt know what her son makes for a salary, but has been demanding that he pay her $1000 a month for support...she began calling and asking for this the VERY FIRST DAY he started his new job.  When they talk on the phone, the ONLY thing she talks about is money (that she doenst have any), or about her husband (my husbands father).  She never asks about our baby, she never asks her son how his life is going- this hurts my husband so much.  She continuously slanders me and her son, accusing us of doing things we didnt do- I have not done anything bad to her, but she doesnt accept me because Im American, and I also believe she is envious of me (she has told my husband that he treats me better than he treats her, and gives me all his money to spend, which is completely untrue, and very hurtful to me- she doesnt even live near us to know how he treats me).  She has done many things to me that have hurt me very deeply, and I have always been nice to her since day 1.  Over the last year or two, she has really crossed the line and we no longer speak.  I am a very honest person and was raised with strong morals, which makes this so hard to deal with.  I dont feel singled out though, because she has problems with many people, and lots of family members.  Unfortunately, she is known as the family trouble-maker.

He comes to me for advice, but I tell him that I am the wrong person to ask.  I tell him to send what he can afford.  I can tell you that he cannot afford to send her $1000 each month...he told her that he will send her $500 starting in August when we get caught up on our bills (from him not working).  In addition, he is paying for a $5000 credit card she took out so she could have elective laser eye surgery.  She wouldnt accept his offer and stopped speaking to him (this is the second time this happened- she stopped speaking to him for 9 months the last time he told her he couldnt afford $1000 a month for her about a year and a half ago).  Currently we have our existing home in our old city up for sale, but we still have to make payments on it until it is sold.  In this new city, we are having to stay in an extended stay hotel until our new home is ready to move into.  The hotel is the cheapest we could find and its dirty and in an unsafe area and not the kind of place anyone wants to stay, but we have to.  My mother in law doesnt try to understand what we are going through, and refuses to accept what her son is telling her.  Plus I am more than 7 months pregnant and we havent bought anything for the baby yet...so we still have that expense ahead of us.  My parents have been a big help to us in that they will pay for the baby furniture and a lot of the clothing.

So is my husband required to give his mother money, even though she doesnt need it?  Even though she doesnt care about us at all and treats us badly?  I dont expect that she will acknowledge her grand daughter when she is born, since she never has asked about her.  She always claims she needs money, yet she drives a Mercedes, lives in a very expensive area of Beirut, buys expensive jewelry, and for example even spent $250 on face creams when she went shopping with her son during his last visit.  My husbands two sisters have college degrees and havent made an effort to work at all.  I would think that if their mother was really desperate for money they would also make an effort to help her too.  They say its only the sons responsibility to help his parents, which I disagree with.  Islam doesnt differentiate between sons and daughters in this aspect.  Yet my mother in law has to audacity to tell my husband that I should be working full time...what so I can pay some of our expenses so he can afford to send her more money?  That doesnt make sense at all...my responsibility is to my husband, child, and my own parents, not to her.

How do we get through this?  How does my husband deal with his mother when she is being so cruel?  Should he send her money even if she is mean to him and wont speak to him?  He is ready to cut her out of his life, but I told him this is the wrong thing to do.

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Angela
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Quote Angela Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 10:09am

I don't think he should cut her out of his life, but it sounds like he's put his foot down which is good.  He just needs to let his mother know that he has a child to be responisble for and that he cannot pay her money to live like a queen when his wife and child are waiting for a home.  I know what its like to deal with a difficult InLaw, mine is my Father in Law.  We are told by God to honor our parents.  However,   that doesn't mean pay for them to drive a Mercedes and buy $250 facial cream.  Focus on the Baby and keep faith.  Things are going to change very soon for you and your husband. 

Perhaps we Sisters can help with the other things.  Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?  Perhaps we can help by sending you some little things.  Like a long distance baby shower?

What do you think ladies????  Baby With Bear



Edited by Angela
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 10:38am
I agree as well, you do NOT have to support someones extravegent shopping and lifestyle. We do not have to let our parents abuse us and take advantage of us in any way. Sometimes you need to set limits and boundries and say no, if they are upset oh well. Your husband should kindly say mom, this is all I will send, period. I can send no more and if you are angry it is your problem. I am doing the best I can, and placing your desires in wordly things like fancy cars, shopping and showing off is haram and I will not support it!! Let her be mad, he can write to her and still send the money he can and she will come around when she realizes the tantrum isn't working. And he should tell her that she Has to respect his wife if she wants a relationship with him, he needs to call her on her bad behaviour and Use the Quran if needed by quoting versus. If she won't listen send a letter. She has no right to demand you work, and it is very bad that she is against you because you are a different race, this is totally haram and should not be stood for in any way. Peace
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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Quote 222dnallohc Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 11:05am

Asalamu Alaikum

God bless you for being so kind Angela.  Unfortunately we dont even have an address at this time, until we move into the house in about a month or so.  I really appreciate your kindness, its such a giving gesture :)

I keep telling my husband he should be proud of himself for coming such a long way without any help from his parents (they didnt even have to pay for his college since he had a scholarship).  Everything we have is from our own money we both made by working hard.  I wish his sisters would be more fair in all of this, but they have never had to lift a finger to do anything- and they are afraid to tell their mother when she is wrong...but being respectful to your mother shouldnt mean you have to always stay quiet when she does things that are very wrong. 

One of them came to live in the US with her husband, chose to live in CA of all places (her husband didnt have a job there to go to, they just wanted to live there even though its unbelievably expensive), had a baby, and they are still being supported by their parents.  They are both college grads and should be able to support themselves after 4 years of marriage.  Now two years after their move they are complaining that they want to move out of CA because its so expensive...even though we advised them against living there in the first place.  They had told us recently they want to come stay with us until they get settled here in the city we live in...with no regards to the fact we dont even have a home yet, and that they are choosing to come at a very hectic time with us moving and having a new baby... and my parents are already coming to visit and help when the baby is born.  My SIL hadn't called me in ages and ages, then suddenly calls out of the blue and wants advice on where to live over here...does she think Im stupid?  Why do they only call me when they need something??  The same thing happened when they initially moved to the US...they came and lived with us for a few months, we helped them tremendously in everything they had to do, then we moved away to Saudi Arabia and I never heard from my SILs...they never even called me to see how Im adjusting to Saudi.  I even taught my SIL how to run her own home based business which is what she wanted, got her all set up and everything...and she basically did a couple of days worth of work and stopped.  Last year I had three surgeries, one of them back surgery, and a miscarriage, and no one called me to see how I am doing.  It's so frustrating for us- my husband feels they are very spoiled.  Still Ive been nice to them, even though I feel like screaming sometimes- I just hold it in.  Am I wrong to be so upset?  I keep saying to my husband,  lets just concentrate on our happiness, our new baby, and our life together that we built all by ourselves.  Sorry, but I just feel like venting today.  I needed to let it out to someone because I feel like out of respect I have to hold all of my frustration in.  I pray that God can give me the ability to get over this bitterness I feel.



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Quote Muslima Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 3:47pm

Salamu Ailikum Sister!

I think your husband should speand some time with his mother, togetehr alone and speak. I think he should open his heart to her. She may shout at the beginnign and protest and everything, but I think he ought to tell her exactly how he feels, calmly and honestly.

He should tell her that he is hurt at the way the family is not really nice you to you or him and the baby. He should explain as well that he cannot afford it. For me, this is only cultural. I think the mother seems very spoilt and she probably think that all poeple in America are rich and can afford to send her a lot of money.

I think he should ask her why and if there is a problem.

I am an Arab and I heard many mnay times of problems between the wife of the mother of the husband. This is common in Arab countries, especially when they live in the same house. Don't feel singled out because you are not lebanese.

You will make friends inshAllah and they will become your family.

But I think this is important your husband speaks and opens his heart and says that he is hurt and ask why they are having this behaviour. I think this is better if you stay out of this as much as possible, so that they do not say that everyhting comes from you.

Good luck and trust Allah!

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Quote Lameese Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 8:08pm

I feel so bad for you. I think his mother has never had to work and is very spoiled and has a misguided view of how things are in the USA and in life in general. Your husband is going to have to be honest with her and pretty frank. I do not think trying to talk to her nice or being kind and explaining will help. I think he needs to state how you are living at this time. That he was out of work and is just now getting back on his feet and that you had to use the money you saved for your wonderful daughter just to make ends meet. I think he needs to let her know firmly but kindly how life  is for the both of you right now. Then someone needs to explain to her that spending $250 on face cream is OUTRAGEOUS! She needs to grow up a little and see how the majority of people live.  You cannot be the one to do this because this is not your mother and she is not respecting you at all. Your husband also needs to put his foot down about you being his wife and she has to respect you, period. You are carrying her grandchild.

Also, I just had my own little girl 8 weeks ago. His sister wanting to come and live with you is absurd! It is hard enough to have to be pregnant, give birth and then adjust for the first month. He needs to tell his sister that there is no way for you all to have them come and stay with you right now. It just isn't possible. Please do not let her come. My birth mother came to "help" me because I had a C-Section. I ended up waiting on her hand and foot while she was here. It made my life with my new baby hell! Do not let anyone come until well after you are recovered and can bond and spend time with your precious daughter. This is you and your husbands time, no one elses. His sister has a husband, let him take care of her, that is HIS job not your husbands.

After you get setteled, PM us and give us your address (better yet, get a p.o. box and just give your first name and last innital)  and we can send you some things. Just make a list of what you need and we will see what we can do. Take help when it is offered too.

God help you,

Lameese

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Quote Angela Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 8:15pm
Originally posted by Lameese

After you get setteled, PM us and give us your address (better yet, get a p.o. box and just give your first name and last innital)  and we can send you some things. Just make a list of what you need and we will see what we can do. Take help when it is offered too.

That's a good idea.  For safety's sake.  There is also Target and Walmart baby registries....she could set it up and then just let us all know the account.  We can buy the stuff in our home towns and she can pick it up at her local walmart or Target.

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Quote Lameese Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2006 at 8:39pm

The problem with that is you have to give your name and for us to get it we would have to know her name. It would be better if she could do that for herself, get a copy, take her name off of it and scan it and send it to us, so we know what she needs.

 

 

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