IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum: 2nd wife

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aishag88

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Joined: 27 August 2005
Location: United States
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Posts: 97

Posted: 20 March 2006 at 3:17pm

Asalaam Alaikum,

I am starting to worry that he doesnt have a very good realiship with the wife he has now. he says that she might want a divorce if me and him marry, or he marrys any other women. I asked him about that and he said that he will talk to her, and that she might have said it because she was angry. I wont hurt there realishishp, so if she has a probelm i wont go thourgh with it. And also, she seems like she has difficties having childern.

thank you for the questions to ask.

Honesly, I am shocked, I though i would be getting reasons not to do and not helpful questions to help me with this.

thank you again

To Allah is our return

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herjihad

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Joined: 26 January 2005
Location: United States
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Posts: 2473

Posted: 20 March 2006 at 4:56pm

Bismillah,

I am married now and have been for many years. My first response to this is no, but to be brutally honest, I would have to be in a situation to really know what I would do sometimes. Sometimes not.

However, I advise a young sister such as yourself not to accept second best and to marry one of the many great young men available who would treasure you as their one and only wife. Do you need a wali? Would you like help? I'm sure that the sisters could recommend nice young men from their communities, and with time and patience you could find someone who would like to relocate with you to an Arabic country if that is what you wish.

You can look up how to become a teacher and travel to another country on your own also. Do you have any degree? Without that, it will be harder to find a good paying job. But I myself know that you could find a low-paying job as a teacher and live with just the bare necessities in Jordan easily. They like to hire people at least three months before the school year begins, so start looking now if you're interested for this coming August.

If you would like further help, feel free to pm me.

Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.

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Mishmish

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Joined: 01 November 2005
Location: United States
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Posts: 1694

Posted: 20 March 2006 at 6:35pm

Assalamu Alaikum Sister:

If you feel that you can be a second wife, then you are very strong.

I would advise that you find out the exact situation that exists between him and his current wife. The best indicator of how he will treat you is how he is treating her. If he would marry you when he knows it causes her pain and might end their marriage, then he will probably treat your feelings with the same disregard.

Personally, I would definitely want to talk to his first wife. If he says that this is not possible, then I would really have doubts. Well, I wouldn't have doubts, I would run away very fast... but that's just me. However, if you do meet with her, you must see if you are compatible and she is willing to share equally, or you will spend your time fighting for his time and attention.

As Sister Herjihad says, there are many single brothers looking for a wife and many do not wish to live in the U.S.. Is there a reason why you want to marry this particular brother? Perhaps you should weigh your options first and see who else is available. Most importantly, pray Istikhara. Ask Allah to give you what is good for you, whatever that may be.

It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. (The Little Prince)

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BintWill

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Joined: 25 March 2006
Location: United States
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Posts: 10

Posted: 27 March 2006 at 2:13am

Originally posted by aishag88

Asalaam Alaikum sisters,

i am just wondering, Would any of you consiterd being a 2nd wife? If you know the man follows Allah's commands and would treat you right, would you?

Wa alaikum as salaam wa ramatu Allah

No, because I'm selfish--when desires arise I want them satisfied immediately or may need to talk or want to cuddle, etc... (suppose it's not my night, what am I supposed to do?) Unfortunately, this is one thing I truly struggle with, frankly the thought of it makes stomach turns.

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amah
Female Islam
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Joined: 18 March 2006
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Posts: 1334

Posted: 27 March 2006 at 2:36am

Iam the first wife, so this question doesnt apply to me

But related answer : i dont want a co-wife! I am even more selfish than BintWill

I want my husband all to myself. And besides I dont think he would be able to keep up with more than one wife.

Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)

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Hayfa
Female Islam
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Joined: 07 June 2005
Location: United States
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 2370

Posted: 27 March 2006 at 9:32am

I had an interesting discussion with a brother once. He was married and his wife was in another country. He wanted a 2^nd wife. He was happily married and such. I asked him would he tell his first wife. He said no, he did not have to by Islamic law..

Then he added that he felt it is only selfish women who would not let their husbands marry again as there are many needy women who needed a husband (and he was not looking to helping the poor, widowed 50-year old, mother of two find a husband).

Then I asked what if he only wants one wife and doesn’t want another, isn’t he being selfish not helping that ‘sister’ out who needed a husband. No of course not.

So women are selfish to want only their husband but men who only want one wife are not selfish. Lol

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi

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Author	Message
aishag88 Groupie Joined: 27 August 2005 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 97	Posted: 20 March 2006 at 3:17pm
	Asalaam Alaikum, I am starting to worry that he doesnt have a very good realiship with the wife he has now. he says that she might want a divorce if me and him marry, or he marrys any other women. I asked him about that and he said that he will talk to her, and that she might have said it because she was angry. I wont hurt there realishishp, so if she has a probelm i wont go thourgh with it. And also, she seems like she has difficties having childern. thank you for the questions to ask. Honesly, I am shocked, I though i would be getting reasons not to do and not helpful questions to help me with this. thank you again
	To Allah is our return
	IP Logged

herjihad Senior Member Joined: 26 January 2005 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 2473	Posted: 20 March 2006 at 4:56pm
	*Bismillah,* I am married now and have been for many years. My first response to this is no, but to be brutally honest, I would have to be in a situation to really know what I would do sometimes. Sometimes not. However, I advise a young sister such as yourself not to accept second best and to marry one of the many great young men available who would treasure you as their one and only wife. Do you need a wali? Would you like help? I'm sure that the sisters could recommend nice young men from their communities, and with time and patience you could find someone who would like to relocate with you to an Arabic country if that is what you wish. You can look up how to become a teacher and travel to another country on your own also. Do you have any degree? Without that, it will be harder to find a good paying job. But I myself know that you could find a low-paying job as a teacher and live with just the bare necessities in Jordan easily. They like to hire people at least three months before the school year begins, so start looking now if you're interested for this coming August. *If you would like further help, feel free to pm me.*
	Al-Hamdulillah (From a Married Muslimah) La Howla Wa La Quwata Illa BiLLah - There is no Effort or Power except with Allah's Will.
	IP Logged

Mishmish Senior Member Joined: 01 November 2005 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 1694	Posted: 20 March 2006 at 6:35pm
	Assalamu Alaikum Sister: If you feel that you can be a second wife, then you are very strong. I would advise that you find out the exact situation that exists between him and his current wife. The best indicator of how he will treat you is how he is treating her. If he would marry you when he knows it causes her pain and might end their marriage, then he will probably treat your feelings with the same disregard. Personally, I would definitely want to talk to his first wife. If he says that this is not possible, then I would really have doubts. Well, I wouldn't have doubts, I would run away very fast... but that's just me. However, if you do meet with her, you must see if you are compatible and she is willing to share equally, or you will spend your time fighting for his time and attention. As Sister Herjihad says, there are many single brothers looking for a wife and many do not wish to live in the U.S.. Is there a reason why you want to marry this particular brother? Perhaps you should weigh your options first and see who else is available. Most importantly, pray Istikhara. Ask Allah to give you what is good for you, whatever that may be.
	It is only with the heart that one can see clearly, what is essential is invisible to the eye. (The Little Prince)
	IP Logged

BintWill Newbie Joined: 25 March 2006 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 10	Posted: 27 March 2006 at 2:13am
	*Originally posted by aishag88* Asalaam Alaikum sisters, i am just wondering, Would any of you consiterd being a 2nd wife? If you know the man follows Allah's commands and would treat you right, would you? Wa alaikum as salaam wa ramatu Allah No, because I'm selfish--when desires arise I want them satisfied immediately or may need to talk or want to cuddle, etc... (suppose it's not my night, what am I supposed to do?) Unfortunately, this is one thing I truly struggle with, frankly the thought of it makes stomach turns.
	IP Logged

amah Female Islam Moderator Group Joined: 18 March 2006 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1334	Posted: 27 March 2006 at 2:36am
	Iam the first wife, so this question doesnt apply to me But related answer : i dont want a co-wife! I am even more selfish than BintWill I want my husband all to myself. And besides I dont think he would be able to keep up with more than one wife.
	Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper). (Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)
	IP Logged

Hayfa Female Islam Senior Member Joined: 07 June 2005 Location: United States Online Status: Offline Posts: 2370	Posted: 27 March 2006 at 9:32am
	I had an interesting discussion with a brother once. He was married and his wife was in another country. He wanted a 2^nd wife. He was happily married and such. I asked him would he tell his first wife. He said no, he did not have to by Islamic law.. Then he added that he felt it is only selfish women who would not let their husbands marry again as there are many needy women who needed a husband (and he was not looking to helping the poor, widowed 50-year old, mother of two find a husband). Then I asked what if he only wants one wife and doesn’t want another, isn’t he being selfish not helping that ‘sister’ out who needed a husband. No of course not. So women are selfish to want only their husband but men who only want one wife are not selfish. Lol
	When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy. Rumi
	IP Logged

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