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carolann
 
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Quote carolann Replybullet Topic: 2nd wife issue
    Posted: 18 February 2006 at 11:29am

Bismillahir arRahmanir arRaheem,

Alsalaamu alaikum sisters,

Insha'Allah you can send some good advice my way. I accepted Islam over 20 years ago, and been married almost as long to a good man alhamdulillah. My husband is a practicing Muslim and has always had the idea that he would like to have a second wife if he found one compatible for him. I have not had any issues with that up until recently. There is another convert lady who is slightly older and childless, never been married. My husband has suggested that he would like to marry her, as no one else has come forward. (We have known her for a few years now) She is a seemingly good person, and tries her best to practice her Islam. My issue here is not with my husband thinking of this - it is with my faith and belief as a Muslim. My husband was very thoughtful and asked me how I would feel to having her as his second wife, and if it caused me pain, then he would not go through with it. However, it has now become apparent to me that my belief in Islam is being tested - and I feel as though I am failing. This other woman is ok with being a second wife - why can't I accept her as my husband's other wife, even though I know all about how this is his right given to him by Allah (swt), and that he is trying to do the right thing and help this sister of mine out, etc. etc.?

I feel as though one of the fundamental aspects of my belief in Islam is being messed up, and after all this time, am I really a hypocrite??? Why do I feel like the "bad guy" here? The woman is good, my husband is good, and here's me - the one stopping this "good" from happening. I have been thinking that maybe I'm not cut out to be muslim after all - if I can't accept this test from Allah (swt), then what kind of a muslim can I claim to be? What am I supposed to do? I don't consider myself to be a muslim anymore because of this....

Salaam. 

 

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ak_m_f
 
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Quote ak_m_f Replybullet Posted: 18 February 2006 at 11:48am

I think that you have been conditioned by the society that lables it a bad thing. not your fault. If you think its disturbing you then tell you husband about it.
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carolann
 
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Quote carolann Replybullet Posted: 18 February 2006 at 12:06pm
I did talk to my husband about this - he has asked me for my honest opinion, and when I told him my feelings, he said that he would not go ahead with asking her, but the real problem to me is that how do I get over the fact that I've stopped something that is sunnah? Why would I take away an opportunity for my husband to do an Islamically good thing and then consider myself a muslim and pray, fast, wear hijab, etc?
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ak_m_f
 
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Quote ak_m_f Replybullet Posted: 18 February 2006 at 12:12pm

its over now, so dont do anything

maybe some other member can explain it better to you.

just wait for the replies

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ak_m_f
 
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Quote ak_m_f Replybullet Posted: 18 February 2006 at 12:17pm
Just to tell you 2nd marriage is not a must, and its not written that you have to do it. So you wouldnt get any sin for that ( that's what I think, just to remind you I may not be 100% correct)

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carolann
 
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Quote carolann Replybullet Posted: 18 February 2006 at 12:29pm
I hope others will send me their opinions, but what you've written so far is "short and sweet" to me. Thanks so much.
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ummziba
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Quote ummziba Replybullet Posted: 18 February 2006 at 12:51pm

Assalamu alaikum, Sis Carolann,

In Islam, marriage is supposed to be beneficial to both partners, in that it helps both of them increase their deen.  If you cannot be happy in a marriage with more than one wife, than you shouldn't have to.  Your husband has already said he won't do it if it bothers you, why the guilt? 

If you suddenly stopped wearing hijab, or praying 5 times a day, or fasting...would you consider yourself not a Muslim?  Of course not.  So why would you think that way over this situation?

We all strive to do our best to please Allah by trying hard to follow His directions given to us in the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet.  When we falter or fail or temporarily refrain, it doesn't make us no longer Muslim, it only makes us human. 

The Qur'an doesn't say a man must marry more than one wife, in fact, it discourages it - it merely puts a limit of up to four.  Read some good tafsir on those verses to understand this point...'if you can be fair to all, and you cannot"....(sorry I can't find the exact verses at the moment, but the idea of fairness is discussed.)

Our Creator is Oft-Forgiving, Most Generous.  I am no scholar, but, I would say, not agreeing to your husband marrying another wife in no way invalidates your Islam, and it certainly shouldn't be something to lose your faith over.  Your faith is between you and Allah - that is the relationship that counts the most.

Perhaps your faith issue stems from something else and this has just brought it to the surface?  Pray, Sister, and read Qur'an.  And talk openly and honestly about your feelings with your husband - what more could you do?

Peace, ummziba.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words...they break my soul ~
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carolann
 
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Quote carolann Replybullet Posted: 18 February 2006 at 1:41pm

Wa alaikumu alsalaam sister Ummziba,

May Allah (swt) reward you for your gentle and kind words. I am most appreciative.

Salaam.

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