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Groups – Women (Sisters)
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Groups – Women (Sisters)
Message Icon Topic: Sisters I need your thoughts about divorce Post Reply Post New Topic
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Aighar
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Quote Aighar Replybullet Topic: Sisters I need your thoughts about divorce
    Posted: 03 August 2014 at 11:38pm
Assalamu Alaykum

My husband and I had been through a fight regarding second marriage. I'm very angry and I cannot understand him why he needed to have second marriage. Though it was my fault because his late father chooses someone for him and he cannot turn down his father. I told him if its against your will its okay not to follow your father. He told me that he don't like the girl, out of respect and family honor he will marry the girl. Then, im in my rage mood...I bombarded him with calls I told him you cannot even afford to provide my needs and now you will marry again. I cannot accept this...blah blah then out of my st**idity I told him give me divorce....He said, "Okay if thats what u want I give you divorce" I answered make it three so that I will be valid then he said "DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE".....then the call was cut...In the morning, I called him and he told me you make me divorce you, you forced me but in my heart i didn't mean to say it...

Now is that divorce still valid please enlighten me...

Shukaran Jazilan
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Abu Loren
 
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Quote Abu Loren Replybullet Posted: 04 August 2014 at 11:49am
Wa Alaikum Asalaam

It seems to me that it was said in the heat of the moment when you were both angry. As you are in the UAE you can seek the advise of an Imam.

NOTE

Men do not generally marry a woman they do not like. I think there's more to this than meets the eye.

It seems that you are both not happy in the marriage.
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Aighar
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Quote Aighar Replybullet Posted: 04 August 2014 at 9:28pm
Thank you for the reply....

actually here is a "short" background of the divorce thing..hope this will not bore you...

My husband and I were married last March 15, 2014, but we live separately since he cannot afford for a new place for us. We both have job but last March he lost his job...i helped him search for another job..he did find a job but quit since he cannot handle the pressure. so he went to his home country and leaving me behind..we have good communication but everything went sour when he told me that he will marry another woman which was arranged by his late father. When he saw the woman, he told me that he don't like her.. I advised him not to look at the appearance but think if this marriage will make him happy in the future. He told his mom that he don't agree with the second marriage but his mom give him options: first, he will not marry the lady and he will not come back to me also. second, he marry the lady and can come to me. He is confused and out of respect of his late father, he agreed the said arranged marriage (but theres no nikka yet since they are planning it on big eid) Then, he tried to convince me... he is very short tempered man..he cannot handle my jealousy,.. i even told him you cannot even afford to provide my needs and then u will face that second marriage... He became angry at me. He told me that slowly slowly he will provide my needs. (Actually they try to settle the distribution of their father's property which is from my point of view a very small amount). He told me his plans that he will come back to me after his marriage and he will bring his second wife maybe after three or four months....the three of us will live in one roof which makes me angry.....

Since I am the one who have job..i always call him and our calls will turn into fight and I always tell him that he cannot afford to raise a family with me blah blah until I told him okay providing that you cannot provide my needs i will seek divorce..he said to me he will never ever divorced me...until such time that he was mad he said over the phone, "if thats what you want i give you divorce" he added, "divorce divorce divorce"

Im very upset and I call him back he told me that I forced him to divorce me but its not his heart's intention to divorce me.

So now, Im upset with the second marriage and with the "divorce"...I love him and I cannot love other man but I cannot live the thought three of us in one room/roof (according to what he can afford)...





Edited by Aighar - 04 August 2014 at 10:26pm
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Abu Loren
 
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Quote Abu Loren Replybullet Posted: 06 August 2014 at 4:11am
In Islam a man must seek the permission of ho first wife before marrying another woman. Also he must treat all the wife's equally and must provide for them equally also.

I don't know how he can bring his second wife to live with you when you are not happy about that situation. Surely he must take into account your wishes.

In my opinion many men abuse the 4 wife rule and in many cases it is their selfishness that rules the heart rather than good intentions.

Allahu Alum!
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Avandie17
 
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Quote Avandie17 Replybullet Posted: 26 August 2014 at 10:37am
Salaam Alaykum Abu Loren:  I'm in the same situation as sister Aighar.  My husband has taken a 2nd wife and is unemployed with 3 kids, 2 of which lives in the home with us.  I've been supporting us for 5 years as my husband was a full time student.  I didn't mind it so much because I felt like him sacrificing and going to school would benefit us in the long run.  Now, he's gone and taken a 2nd wife, one whose divorced with 3 kids living with her mother.
 
My husband told me he will not divorce me as the divorce is up to the man and he's not doing anything wrong to me.  He loves me, that Allah has given the man the power to love multiple women at the same time.  I feel betrayed and insulted.
 
When I try to explain my feelings to him, he just tells me that he can't help the fact that I cannot accept what Allah has allowed the man.  Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by him.
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Quote Abu Loren Replybullet Posted: 27 August 2014 at 5:46am
Originally posted by Avandie17

Salaam Alaykum Abu Loren:  I'm in the same situation as sister Aighar.  My husband has taken a 2nd wife and is unemployed with 3 kids, 2 of which lives in the home with us.  I've been supporting us for 5 years as my husband was a full time student.  I didn't mind it so much because I felt like him sacrificing and going to school would benefit us in the long run.  Now, he's gone and taken a 2nd wife, one whose divorced with 3 kids living with her mother.
 

My husband told me he will not divorce me as the divorce is up to the man and he's not doing anything wrong to me.  He loves me, that Allah has given the man the power to love multiple women at the same time.  I feel betrayed and insulted.

 

When I try to explain my feelings to him, he just tells me that he can't help the fact that I cannot accept what Allah has allowed the man.  Am I wrong for feeling betrayed by him.


Wa Alaykum Asalaam,

What he is doing is wrong. Islamically it is the responsibility of the man to look after the family. It seems to me that he is taking advantage of the situation where you are the bread winner. Five years is a long time for a man for not to work or provide for his family. The Prophet (SalAllahu Alayhi Wa Sallam) said that a instead of begging a man should work even if it is cutting down a tree and selling firewood (paraphrasing).

Also it IS allowed for a woman to initiate a divorce. I would advise you to seek advise from an imam. A married woman should NOT suffer in silence.

If a man marries more than once then it is also his responsibility to treat the all his wives equally. There are certain rules to be followed in taking a second, third or fourth wife. The least a man should do is consult his first wife.

Salaam
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