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Groups – Women (Sisters)
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Groups – Women (Sisters)
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Aara
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Quote Aara Replybullet Topic: What Should I Do
    Posted: 01 July 2014 at 10:32am
Assalam Alaikum,
I am a Muslim lady, 35 years old, never married. I have had a struggling life this far being the 2nd eldest in the family of 4 sisters and a brother. My brother is quite young and because my father was unable to keep up with finances, I took up the responsibility to educate and settle my younger 3 siblings (2 sisters and a brother).

One of my younger sisters got married last year and this increased the pressure for me to marry.

At this age I find it difficult to opt for an arranged marriage. Besides, my mother tried her best and now the offers I do get are mostly divorced men.

I met a man online as an acquaintance on social media, but later we met in 2012 and since then he asked if we could get to know one another better for marriage. I agreed. We became close but somehow he never proposed.

In all this time, my family was impressed with him and made me ask what the delay in marriage was and he claimed business failures and other financial issues. I believed in his word and was patient.

Just a week back his wife called me after reading our chat on messenger about marriage. She told me she has two babies from him. I was in shock and confronted him. He admitted it, but he kept this a secret because he knew I would leave him.

I look at this as a sign that he truly loves me and was afraid of losing me.

He and I have excellent understanding, love and respect. It may sound impossible to people but we never even talked about sex and never went to vulgarity. Which is why I truly respect him for honoring my request in all these years and being a respectable, decent gentleman.

I decided that because I love him, I will forgive him and still marry him if he asks. Obviously, he is not in love with his first wife as he offered that we can still marry and live far away, all alone away from our families.

My family is against it completely and have said they will break ties with me for marrying a liar and a man with a wife. They make it look like the worst decision to be a 2nd wife.

They insist I should marry any other man they choose, but for me at this age, marriage is more than just sex and having kids. I cannot marry a man without understanding.

I need advice on what to do? Follow my heart and remain within the Islamic laws and marry him. Or break my heart and his and remain single?
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Rofexa
 
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Quote Rofexa Replybullet Posted: 02 July 2014 at 5:32pm
As-salam Alaykum Sister,

First and foremost

Ramadan Mubarak to you and yours. I also give you with this Dua' of peace, joy and that Allah blesses and answers all prayers this holy month of Ramadan.

Now for your issue, you are always able to choose to accept a marriage proposal,

Now that being said, you have to ask yourself can you stand to be apart from your family, both financially & emotionally.

OK now for him, you have found out he is a liar, so his character is now in question, I know you say you "LOVE" him & you also stated he obliviously doesn't love his wife. How do you know this? Because he said so? You can't trust his words, as he has lied before. My opinion, you have been betrayed by him. He didn't tell you he was married, if he would have told you in the beginning.
You could have made an informed decision to continue your courtship or not.

I don't mean to say you should marry who your parents say, you should marry. You are old enough to make your own decisions, however you also must accept the consequences of YOUR decisions. Yes everything is Allah's will but, we have free will. So think long and hard about your future and accept Allah's will. That's a tough one, we are such an ungrateful being. We ask Allah for things and when we don't get them we are spiteful. What we need to always be mindful of is that Allah will give what he deems correct for us. We have to accept this in our hearts gratefully and with a glad heart.

Last but not least;

Islam permits polygamy but rules must be followed. It is the husbands responsibility to provide for both of you. Not haphazardly provide for one and give the other the leftovers. If you decide to be in a polygamist marriage, you must learn what your rights are, and then demand them.
Walaikumu Salaam, Your sister in Islam

''When the world pushes you to your knees you’re in the perfect position to pray'' ~ Rumi
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Aara
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Quote Aara Replybullet Posted: 04 July 2014 at 8:18am
Waalaikum Assalam,
I thank you for your guidance and it did help a lot. I will keep what you said in mind and inshAllah Allah will guide me to the best path and whatever He will do will be for the best for everyone, not just me alone.

In a way, probably it was prayers that the truth came out and now I can make an informed decision and this way I won't regret the consequences.

True, we are born sinners, but yet Allah forgives us each time we err and ask for forgiveness. I keep this in mind and forgave him, although it was not easy because it did shake my trust in him. But then he never lied in other things. Everyone deserves a second chance at least.

Nonetheless, I will put my faith in God that whatever unfolds in future will be the best.

May Allah bless you for your help. Have a blessed Ramadan.

Ma'salam.
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 05 July 2014 at 10:19pm
Assalam Alaikum,

I read your post concluded that you started this relation    
In A haram way and u took big risk of life by choosing a spouse online.Allah saved u.be thankful that you did not fall in big trouble.Before starting a new life think of the children he already have.if u think he can do insaaf between u and his 1st wife then only go for this.be very carefull cause this man might move on if later age of 40 As happens with most women that they become less attractive.Remember this man is just bored of his present relation so he might get bored with u also.Men are poligamus by nature they love to have another anytime but when it comes to responsibility   
Not all are couragious to accept. I pray that if this relation is Halal and khair for you then only you marry this man.My dua iand good wishes are with you.
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ummatee81
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Quote ummatee81 Replybullet Posted: 08 September 2014 at 12:36am
Dear Sister;

I hope you are doing good. First of all, lemme praise you for your courage of supporting your family. Being a Pakistani, i can understand your life would be tough.

If i say that i can understand your feelings, then it will not be wrong. Because i myself have been a working lady. though, Alhumdulilah, i had not to support my family as we are financially well settled, but i had the potential and skills so i have been working on the top mgt level. i am 33 and i took khula before my rukhsati was done so you can also consider me a single lady.

Reason of telling you abt myself is that you could know i really understand that at this age, a single woman, even a single man, feels itself lonely and wants a mature and decent partner. at this age, we think that we can not build our understanding through arrange marriage and we should know our partner before going into this serious relationship. This is no harm in it and Religion does allows this with certain strict boundaries but it does not encourage us to do so.

Coming to your case. as other members have put your attention toward the fact that he is a liar so do not believe in him. Your heart will be going through tough time in believing that how can he cheat on you... and you being experienced and mature, how can be betrayed by a man? and after going through so many difficulties and pains and making compromises... you did not deserve that.... you deserve to get good... and dear you really deserve to be blessed with good heart that this world can certainly not give you..... you can only be compensated by Allah Subhan'nahu.

Just make a comparison... you are mostly getting proposals of divorced men right? and what is this man's status? he is married and having two kids.... means he has responsibilities. suppose that he is really a good man with good heart and suppose his wife is not good at all.... if so, such a wife is his test, so instead of coping with the situation and giving his kids the best at least, he is running from the situation.... he is trying to ride on two boats at a time. and believe you me, he will never leave his wife and kids.... not because he loves his wife and betraying you, but even if he loves you with his heart, he is a pakistani man and he will not take such a step where he has to face hatred and anger from society, and has to leave his job/business. and that is why he is telling you that he will take you far away.... he is living in a fool's paradise and also taking you there with him..... make it sure that this is never happening... that tomorrow is never coming when he will marry you and take you away. he is settled in his life, and filling his "missing pieces" by talking to you.

nor this can happen that some day he wakes up and his wife and kids are disappeared themselves and he marries you and its "lived happily ever-after".

he might marry you, and divorce his wife... then another you is born.... yes his daughter or son will be going the same phase you went through.....

Dear sister, why to go through this mess? as if your life was already very easy and beautiful?.... then y to add more difficulties? why to trust on a liar, why to trust on a man who is unable to make his marital life successful? why to make his kids a single parent kids? why to make a woman a divorcée? just coz both of you have good understanding??? an understanding that is build on phones, and chattings and in few face to face meetings.... in my life experience, i have learned that marital relationship is not only abt same likes and dislikes, same thinking and analytical approach... rather its also about what security a husband can provide his wife... is she spiritually, physically and morally protected after getting married or not..... think of his wife.... would she be feeling safe at the moment? if not, do you want to replace her and feel the same?

Think over it... and if you take my advice, it does not matter if you are 25, 35, or 45..... do not take your decisions in your hand.... let Allah Subhan'nahu decide for you. go for arrange marriage and InshaAllah you will be blessed with a good heart and soul.... make istikhara your habit. it really works. according to a saying by Hazrat Ayesha RA, money and marriage is not in anyone's hand... so never think you can make these :).

i am sorry if i hurt you anyway, i just intended to help you out...

May you be blessed with super good :) Aameen and InshaAllah

Fe'aman'illah
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