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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
Message Icon Topic: plzz help.. i don't love my husband Post Reply Post New Topic
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aisha-123
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Quote aisha-123 Replybullet Topic: plzz help.. i don't love my husband
    Posted: 06 May 2014 at 11:15am

Salam! I m really troubled so please help me asap. I will start from the very beginning so I can provide you with more info. I was born in pakistan and live in u.s. Since I was in high school I had been getting marriage proposals from u.s and Pakistan. My dad loves me a lot so he did not want to send me to Pakistan and I personally didn't want to go either. Another fact is that I didn't want to get married yet at all but my mom was always worried about wat the society will say If I don't get married at this age. My mom is the nicest mashallah and I always take her advice in everything. I was 20 when I got tired of looking at a new proposal every week and my mom getting frustrated that it didn't work out. And then came the rishta that my parents loved. He is from Pakistan, quran hafiz, and was ready to move to u.s. after getting married. Like always, I told my parents as your wish, I will get married where ever they say. They did istikhara and said yes to them. His sister in law and my mom let us talk on the phone to get to know each other since it was long distance relationship. I was not ready to b in a relationship and was doing this just to please my parents. When I turned 21, my parents took me to umrah and got my nikah done over there. I hardly got to know the person and yes we did talk at least 4 times a week before this but what can a phone conversation do. Anyways, him and his family are really nice mashallah. I have no complaint about that. After the nikah I came back to u.s and he went back to Pakistan. We even started skype now since our nikah was done. He was always eager to talk to me where In my mind I just wanted to ignore him. We did his paperwork and he came to u.s. my rukhsati was done three weeks ago and since then we r living together. There hasn't been a single day that I felt happy with him. He does nothing to hurt me, but I don't love him. I don't have any feelings towards him. How can I sleep with a person when I don't even want to sit with him. I don't feel like talking to him. I feel like running away from him. I don't want to see his face, and he is not bad looking at all. I don't see him as my husband. I asked my mom and she said pretend at first then u will get used to it. I tried that but I feel trapped on the inside. I have only cried in this three weeks of wedding. I feel bad for him because he says he wants to see his wife happy but I don't get happy after seeing him. I'm happy when he is not arround. I told my mom and I can't live with him like this I will die so please get me separated from him but she started crying and said if I want to see her dead then go ahead and get separated. My question is, why should I live with a person that I don't feel happy with. Please help me... I m crying all the time and this is not making anyone happy. If he tries to come close to me I push him away and that hurts him. I just can't control my self. I don't want to live with him. Does islam tell us to live with a per son that you feel attracted towards? is it even possible to live with some one to live with some one you dont want to live with?

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Abu Loren
 
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Quote Abu Loren Replybullet Posted: 07 May 2014 at 3:21am
Wa Alaikkum Asalaam

Your first mistake was to agree to the marriage when you knew in your heart that you are not yet ready for marriage and that you didn't like him as a potential husband.

Your second mistake was to trying to please your parents (although there's nothing wrong with that) but you should have been honest with them from the start.

If I may say this about people being brought up in different cultures, no matter how you try to justify it sometimes one does not have anything in common with a person from a different part of the world. Even little things like the language barrier can be a problem, also the outlook on life may be world's apart of the two parties.

I know that from reading about other marriages especially from the Indian Sub-Continent that some marriages do work out in the end. For example, many arranged marriages tend to start off badly but in the long run they are successful. However, this is not to say that everyone or every marriage can be like this.

I personally feel that a husband and wife should connect on a physical and mental level otherwise there will be problems like the ones you are facing. So where do you go from here?

I'm an advocate of divorce because it a mercy from Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala to the believers. However, I also feel that one should not shout 'divorce' at the first hurdle. Sometimes giving time in certain situations do help. But I fear that in your case it will not help.

There is also the problem of family shame and honour that is associates with problems like this. some cultures shun divorce as it is shameful in their eyes.

In my mind the only solution seems to be divorce but Allahu Alum.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 07 May 2014 at 7:17am
Wa alaikum salaam, and welcome Aisha. Does your husband have a profession? Has he been able to start working since arriving in the States? Are you in college? Does he have any family in the US? Do you live near or far from your parents? Are you connected with any Islamic Center? How do you rate your level of religious commitment, i.e., do you miss prayers? What about your husband, does he have any involvement at the Mosque? What was you feelings about your husband when you met him overseas? Upon his arrival in the States were you and him able to have any vacation time together? Are your parents professionals? What about his family? Is your mom in good overall health? Do you have older or younger siblings? I can't help but get the feeling something in your narrative is missing as to why all the questions from my end. I assume if you went to school here in the US you have comfortably assimilated, and even though culturally you desire to respect the wishes of your family, it has created dissonance and resentment, perhaps misplaced towards your husband.
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NABA
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Quote NABA Replybullet Posted: 08 May 2014 at 5:37am
Walecum As Salaam first of all u did wrong to do marriage for sake of parents n even u make ur parents wrong bcoz Allah in Quran in ch 4 v 19 says that it is unlawful for u to inherit women under compulsion.Allah in ch 2 v 187 says husband n wife are like garments to one another.islam permits to live with person u love but thru halal way I.e under nikah bcoz Allah in ch 23 v 6 says sex between husband n wife only is acceptable to Allah.at the moment only solution to ur problem is divorce which shud b done according to guidelines of Allah.
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abuali
 
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Quote abuali Replybullet Posted: 11 May 2014 at 10:59pm
I'm sorry to say but i'm not agree with the people who are advising you to get divorce, divorce is dislike act in the eye of Allah, if you were not feeling good so you should not be agree for Nikah but now you are already married to him so i prefer you to give sometime, with the passage of time everything will be changed. As you already said that he is good and his family is also nice so i don't think that you should take any decision that can hurt yourself, must talk about it to your parents. May Allah help you.
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 02 June 2014 at 1:32am
Get real young lady.

It seems you do not have any serious problem in your life ... thus you are making this into a problem.

As advised get religious. Know your duties as a wife and see well to them.

Try to do things for him, even it is mundane work like preparing his food and clothes etc.
Love is not just a spark or a feeling alone, its work. Its work trust me. Ask those who have children and they have to take care of them day in day out ... they love their children, and that is because they have to work for them.
You start taking care of a pet and you start loving it.

It is said in the Quran that you may not like a thing but it may be good for you if its a choosing from Allah. Your parents performed istekharah before fixing your marriage. You should not be taking this lightly.

Your husband is a good man, so respect him and love will ensue from there.

Also get busy yoruself. If you are in the middle of your studies complete them. Get involved with the muslim community, newly wed sisters etc.

Divorce is not a good idea in your case and Allah knows best.

Wish you love and luck :p

Edited by Nausheen - 02 June 2014 at 1:34am
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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Farha14
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Quote Farha14 Replybullet Posted: 15 June 2014 at 4:35am
hi Asiha,
I can understand what u r feeling as i have been through such situation i agreed to marry for the sake of my parents and even i didn't felt anything for my husband in initial time of my marriage but as the time flew we began to understand each and slowly i came to know he is good it is not always the matter of looks and money over which we can decide to get separated.
i would suggest u to give each other time and respect slowly u guys will understand each other. after that u can decide whether he is good or bad for you.

but i still recommend dont decide to separate just on the basis of looks or money to separate out as these are just matter of time.
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fais
 
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Quote fais Replybullet Posted: 06 July 2014 at 5:28pm
Dont know Aisha if you interested any More to reply this post but i will definitely contribute. My wife had similar Issues cause.we had a love marraige she was very fond of me.i we t to saudi for her and got married.we never lived together as dukhla was about to happen.i had Fight with my boss and i had to go back.then i went back after a year and was fully prepared to get married.when i went back she developed strange disease in which whenever i went close to her, she use to get repelling smell from me.this went on and we use to fight over phone Finally she decided to quit.she was fond of my earlier but later she become not interested.i asked a psycologist and she explained that if you loose interest in your spouse u get that kind of smell from your spouse.so my suggestion.see a psycologist and prepare self find good thing in him if u really want.atleast try for the sake of Allah.
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