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Family Matter
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Hayran
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Quote Hayran Replybullet Topic: sexless marriage what to do?
    Posted: 03 May 2014 at 4:51am
I need help from you brothers and sisters. I am a man in my 50s and have been married for 20 years, I have got 3 children that I adore.
My marriage was happy in the 1st few years. But at some point, my wife's sex drive was only going in one direction and that is down and my sex drive has gone up compared to my thirtees. My wife's sex drive is now zero. For months I have been craving sex to the point of not being able to sleep. It is not my fault if Allah gave me a high sex drive that needs to be satisfied and the only hallal person that can satisfy it is my wife.
I have been patient for a long time and explained to my wife that this can't continue and she advised me to marry another muslim women as she can't cater for my ever growing sex drive. The problem is I love my wife and children and another wife can be another problem as she might not be.
for months I have been pushing my patience to the limit until a day came when I almost crossed the line of sin as I kissed an English lady and she kissed me back after I talked to her and were attracted to each other (she is the same age group as me). I have done that at a moment of weakness as love and sex was missing from my marriage.
Allah is a witness that it stopped at the kiss and no sex was involved as we mutually saw that it is unfair to my wife. The English lady said that she doesn't want to be involved with a married man and she would be interested if I separate from my wife and I couldn't cheat on my wife as I have been brought up with some moral values.
After few days I couldn't keep this to myself and spoke to my wife about it asking her to forgive me and to realise that I am human being and I have needs, but she confirmed that her problem is she can't help her sex drive and has gone forever. She was angry and felt betrayed which is what I expect.
Please brothers and sisters don't be judgemental and look beyond just the haram and halal and let me know your informed opinions.
Here are the facts
My wife can no longer satisfy me sexually
I have a high sex drive
I am a human not a saint (malak)
I have tried discussing my needs with my wife and she cries and gets upset before I get to the point then shouts and screams until I stop the discussion.
I can't marry another women as my finances allow me to support only one household not two
Suicide is the biggest sin
My body is burning with desire
Don't tell me to fast as I will be deprived of food and drink in addition to my permanent sex deprivation.
I get together with a lot of beautiful women in my job
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 04 May 2014 at 7:05am
Insha'Allah your wife's problem can be solved with medical intervention. I would also advise marital counseling given your unwise revelation of kissing another woman, and to help and suggest ways of dealing with your "craving". I agree with you that plural marriage isn't the answer even if you were able to afford another wife.
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NABA
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Quote NABA Replybullet Posted: 04 May 2014 at 9:32am
Assalamalecum,the only solution is Quran,sir I m 24, I m a doctor, in hospital I come across many women n girls, sometimes they stare at me, but bcoz of fear of Allah I refrain from watching at them n needless conversations.the most important thing u accepted that u can't control ur desire, wrong is wrong, we in this world are given different qualities but the best one is one who live according to commandments of Allah, I say u shud read Quran and bring a change in ur lifestyle,u will develop fear of Allah n it will help u to improve, eg Allah in ch 24 v 30-31 that men shud guide their modesty n lower their gaze whenever they c a girl n bad thought comes, fear of Allah urges to differentiate between gud n bad (ch 8 v 29), sir yes v r human being we are bound to get arrogant, angry, indulging in things like adultery, theft but the only thing th8 can save us from this is Quran, so plz make a habit of reading Quran from nowonwards daily till ur last time bcoz u will b under guidance of Allah n in Sha Allah u will improve.Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said the best jihad is jihad of nafs, so seek help from Allah by obeying him.moreover even after this there is no improvement then u had to either do second marriage, or give divorce to ur wife n then second marriage,bcoz Allah in ch 23 v 6 say sex between husband n wife only is acceptable to Allah.but I say change urself, if I can u can also do, by nature I m aggressive, arrogant n most probably I hv hi sex drive like u, plus colleagues n friends around me hv girlfrnds, do zina but still Alhamdulillah I m away from these things, only bcoz of help of Allah.
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Hayran
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Quote Hayran Replybullet Posted: 08 May 2014 at 1:10pm
Assalm aaleikoum brother,

Good that you are a doctor, cause my wife tells me that her condition is due to hormone change after the menopause and it is purely medical, but I find it hard to believe her as she was finding all sorts of excuses to avoid intimacy with me even before the menopause. If I start, I can write a book entitled "The 1001 excuses for a sexless night".
I wanted to prove to her that I am not a bad looking man and that other women might go for me if she continues to deprive me from sex. I am not begging her for it, and for now I am an unhappy and angry husband.
Brothers and especially sisters is the hormone excuse plausible ?
If there is a shadow of doubt that she is saying the truth, I would control myself and exercise more patience. If not I will go for the painful option of divorce as I don't have the choice. Divorce or committing a sin that I will spend the rest of my life regretting.
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NABA
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Quote NABA Replybullet Posted: 09 May 2014 at 12:19am
Walecum As Salaam, sir decreased libido, painful intercourse, problem reaching orgasm are signs of menopause, menopause marks the end of reproductive phase of a woman.fear Allah, Allah says in ch 2 v 223 of Quran treat ur woman as ur tilth.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 09 May 2014 at 8:00am
Originally posted by Hayran

   
I kissed an English lady and she kissed me back after I talked to her and were attracted to each other (she is the same age group as me). I have done that at a moment of weakness as love and sex was missing from my marriage.



Originally posted by Hayran


I wanted to prove to her that I am not a bad looking man and that other women might go for me if she continues to deprive me from sex.


Hayran you might want to invest a little money in getting professional help and get off the internet, if as you say, you love your wife and children.
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NABA
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Quote NABA Replybullet Posted: 09 May 2014 at 1:01pm
Due to phone problems I couldn't write further, all those changes are due to cessation of ovarian functions which leads to hormonal changes.so try to understand Quran n change urself.
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Quote MrsNabil Replybullet Posted: 11 May 2014 at 11:09pm
Salaam.

I understand what your wife is going through. I went into menopause at the young age of 33. Please forgive me for being blunt, but sex after menopause HURTS!! I avoided sex for almost a decade because it was so painful.

I have been on hormones for more than 15 years now, and I can tell you that it makes a wonderful difference. If your wife takes hormones she will start to feel more passion again because sex will not be something to fear. Her desire for you will return. BUT, you must remember that it takes 6-8 weeks for the hormones to become effective, so do not expect an immediate result.

If your wife does not want to take hormones, olive oil is what my doctor recommended to me. Yes... Olive oil. ONLY olive oil is good for the insides. She said that it does just as good of a job at restoring the woman's inner places as hormone creams. (I tried it, and it's true.) Unfortunately, it won't give her back her sex drive, but she may be more inclined to fulfil your needs if she knows it will not hurt.

I know some will say you should just pray to Allah about your wife. But, Allah has allowed these medicines to be created so we can use them. If He has allowed them, we can take them. I do not know of any medicine, or hormones, that is haram.

My husband and I have a sizeable age difference (I am older). Without hormones, I could not please my husband as Allah instructs wives to do. My husband is happy. I am happy. And I believe that Allah has blessed us both because we are husband and wife in all ways.

As for the English woman... Put her out of your thoughts. If you are surrounded by women who tempt you, then you should find another job until your wife feels able to attend to you. Mohammed (PBUH) taught that if you see a woman who causes you to lust, you must go straight to your wife and satisfy yourself with her. Since you cannot do this, you should avoid being around women at the workplace.

I would pray and beg Allah's guidance and forgiveness.

Stephanie
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