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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
Message Icon Topic: I am Worried. - this story is Long Post Reply Post New Topic
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zMisbahz
 
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Quote zMisbahz Replybullet Topic: I am Worried. - this story is Long
    Posted: 30 April 2014 at 9:49am
Salam Alaykum to all - Brothers & Sisters.

    Hope everyone is doing well & in good health. My Issue is sort of a long and complicated one so please bear with me. I would like to first state that I do not feel too comfortable putting my issue out in public but there are times, situations as well as circumstances that can force a Man to take on other approaches, moreover since we all are Muslims here I feel a lot more relief doing so.

I am a married man, recently married to a Divorcee. I met my wife through an Islamic Site, when we spoke and discussed about few things I deem important (religion, belief, way of Life) to me I knew I would want to be with her. and on getting to know her for a Month we decided to get married. Now, I need to state that 3 weeks before our Nikah she called me up saying she needed to speak to me about a Matter, which got me worried instantly, she proceeded to telling me she was divorced which left me devastated, now please do not Judge me - as I have nothing whatsoever against divorcees, however I was shocked that after I had decided and given her my WORD that I would marry her she then reveals such information to me. Now the same day she told me the news, I was angry and got off the phone immediately, I didn't want to talk to her because I felt that she was very deceptive. However, I thought to myself and said for the sake of Allah, there is nothing wrong with this woman that it is okay to be with her, I picked up the phone after few hours once my anger had subsided to talk to her, after a long conversation she mentioned she also had kids (5 of them). I was totally shocked, but still I wanted to proceed with being with her because of I truly did care about her and was for the most part not going to leave her because she was divorced (sometimes I have guilty feeling of - what if I had a daughter and that happens to her, how would I feel). we spoke for a week more and I was inquiring about her education, she told me she had studied and she was awaiting her Certificates, I kept pressing on it as I do a woman should have her own way to survive even though I do not mind giving her everything I have, to cut it short she opened up to me that she actually did not have a degree. So in short, I spoke to my Mum about it and my Mum only voiced her opinion on how I would handle situation regarding her kids & I told her we will find a way, basically my parents welcomed her & we got married. (Now, maybe I was too in a rush and blinded, I believe everything happens for a reason, maybe Allah is trying to teach me a thing or two).

Once we moved in together, she was wonderful, she had all the homely qualities, she made me happy, but slowly I noticed as time passed, my Wife was not enthusiastic about anything, she would sleep more , eat more, I tried to talk to her politely , encouraging her to do things that will benefit her in Life, read books, exercise, before I resumed my Job I would take her out to the courts to play basketball, I would teach her drills, try to keep her mind & body in shape, but as time went by she just did not have the enthusiasm anymore, I bought Art books, design books so she could find something to do while we process a work permit for her, all she cared about is facebook & watching Makeup videos on Youtube (to be honest - I do not like Makeup, never had probably never will), my wife is Mashallah Gorgeous & I try to tell her that you do not need to indulge in this cos I already see u as beautiful, no no no, she goes back to it.
May Allah forgive me first, I am not here to paint my Wife in a bad light but I need to detail this things so I can get other views on it (if those views are helpful I will embrace them). As time went on I started losing trust in my wife, this is because of all the things she kept from me at the beginning, and the fact that when I tell her what I feel is good for her she never listens, and bear in mind I always tell her she has the right to tell me if I am going astray or doing wrong things too which she doesn't do that much. I recently found an email she sent to an old male friend (even though not a bad email) it reminds me of how she had always kept information away from me & made me not trust her more. And I used to tell her at the beginning that she will need to help me overcome my trust issues. Anyway, I think all the deceptive behaviour and her not listen to me especially on matters I feel are important to both of us as a family is really making life difficult for me. Also we tend to argue so much, due to misunderstandings, I think the issues are really getting to me and it makes me so uncomfortable, to make it worse when we argue she can really get rude (not all the time) but she does get rude, I was trying to talk to her the other time & she ended up shouting at me saying - "s*****p". I do not think I can live with a woman that shows me much disrespect. I try my best to be a Man for her, i work all week like most of us do, told her if she wants to work that is fine if not that is fine too, so now she works too but my major issue is that - "May Allah forgive me for saying this" but my Wife can't get enough of sex, she wants it every time, she wants cuddling, she wants all. This takes from me energy & I am not just saying physically (Mashallah - I am blessed) but mentally too. Some days I am just totally fagged out (knackered). Now not to brag, but I satisfy my wife properly, she herself says it, there is not one time she does not fall asleep before me after intercourse, so it's definitely not an issue with me, but my wife says she can't get enough the tricky thing is it is starting to affect my Health. I need time to recover, I tell her but she doesn't listen, now I feel I need to avoid her totally cause she is unreasonable. If I don't perform, she will complain, all these issues are getting to me so much that I am losing weight, and am losing trust in my wife everyday I am actually thinking of separating.

PLEASE HELP

- there is a lot more I can say, but I am beginning to lose track of the time of events and do not want to put things up here that is not in sync with time of occurrence. Lastly, I would like to add that I believe the issues are partly my fault too as I have had bad experiences in my past and do not usually trust females that much (no disrespect to the Great Muslimahs out there), also maybe I was naive & rushed into things without surveying the situation properly. However, I trusted her, and did get involved solely to please Allah and make her & myself Happy.- I did not want to treat a person bad because of their past, everyday I ask Allah to forgive me for things I do and do not even know am doing...

Thanks everyone. My Soul is Tired.


Edited by zMisbahz - 30 April 2014 at 9:50am
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 01 May 2014 at 7:18am
You sound resentful, however keep in mind that you decided to marry her. Although I think altruism is misplaced when it comes to marriage, i.e., people should have what pleases them, and not marry thinking you're doing the other person a "favor", because regret and resentment often will follow. Many times sexual tension is confused for love and compatibility, thus blinding us from looking carefully at who we are about to make one of the most important decisions of our lives - marriage. Now that you are in this relationship you must be patient and look to her good qualities and downplay, lookover, and forgive matters that do not please you. Keep in mind that she is an individual like you and has her own passions, likes and dislikes in life. Simply because you enjoy reading and sports doesn't mean she will or should. Hang in there and make it work. Women are not a commodity to purchase and later decide I want to return her and get another. Don't be hasty. Many of your complaints will Insha'Allah get better with time and mature communications - don't browbeat or harass her about petty matters. Take it easy on yourself and just enjoy her for the much good she undoubtedly possess. She is now your wife and deserves kindness and patience.
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zMisbahz
 
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Quote zMisbahz Replybullet Posted: 01 May 2014 at 7:42am
Well said. Thanks for the input, truly appreciate it.
ps: kindly note, I do not force my ideas or ways on her but merely try to encourage her to seek whatever will benefit her & improve her as a person (same thing applies to me). By the way she Loves watching & playing BasketBall. Thanks a lot Abuayisha

Edited by zMisbahz - 01 May 2014 at 11:15am
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Abu Loren
 
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Quote Abu Loren Replybullet Posted: 03 May 2014 at 3:20am
Look man I'm gonna give it to you straight either take it or leave it.
 
When you married her you weren't 100% sure about her, then you thought you would give her a chance. But now that you are married she is a disappoint for you, she is not the ideal wife that you had in your mind (the perfect wife, as it were).
 
Now ask yourself this question and be serious about it.
 
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a woman who is a disappointment? Or do you want to divorce her and say you were wrong in the first place to marry her?
 
Divorce is a Mercy from Allah Subhana Wa Ta'ala to the believers so that one does not have to suffer in silence.
 
What's happened  has happened. Every body makes mistakes and the important thing is to learn from it and move on.
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zMisbahz
 
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Quote zMisbahz Replybullet Posted: 03 May 2014 at 5:10am
Salam,
Abu Loren. I appreciate your honesty & straight forwardness as it's the best policy. There has been a lot going on in my mind & it does take its toll time after time. I see your point and hopefully I will be able to make a clear decision about this situation. Thanks.
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abuali
 
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Quote abuali Replybullet Posted: 05 May 2014 at 2:23am
Indeed divorce is a dislike act in the eye of Allah which mean as much possible we should avoid it.
NikahExplorer.com is a unique Muslim matrimonial website, following the Shariah.
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Quote Abu Loren Replybullet Posted: 06 May 2014 at 12:09pm
Originally posted by abuali

Indeed divorce is a dislike act in the eye of Allah which mean as much possible we should avoid it.


Where does it say that?
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abuali
 
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Quote abuali Replybullet Posted: 07 May 2014 at 10:18pm
Originally posted by Abu Loren

Originally posted by abuali

Indeed divorce is a dislike act in the eye of Allah which mean as much possible we should avoid it.


Where does it say that?


In Hadith i found a reference for you.
It is reported that the Prophet Muhammad said,
“The most hated Halal by Allah is divorce.”
for reference http://www.seekingilm.com/archives/311
NikahExplorer.com is a unique Muslim matrimonial website, following the Shariah.
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