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akh2014
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Quote akh2014 Replybullet Topic: Feeling Alone
    Posted: 25 April 2014 at 7:08pm
My background: I finished my law degree in England (2007) and I currently live with my husband in the US (New Jersey). To cut a long story short, I am a convert. I don't use convert in the typical sense of the word - but merely a traditional sense. According to Islam (or my interpretation of it), every human being was born a muslim. In that regard, I was born a muslim but my parents (being of Sikh Indian origin) "converted" me to Sikhism. When I was 14 years old, I had a major interest in Islam. Initially, it was slight, but I began to get a little obsessive. At university, I was internally hoping some devotedly religious muslim man would somehow miraculously realize I was not a Sikh, help me with my "reversion" and marry me. I was so scared, and still am, of living this whole life a lie. Fast forward to today, I am married and I have a one year old daughter. However, my husband is Sikh. He is probably the nicest person I have ever met. That being said, he is not a muslim.

I have tried to indirectly tell him about my interest in Islam. He seems to have brushed it off. He is a lot older then me, so he merely thinks its part of my immature obsessions. Also, if I revert to Islam, I may risk losing my child (one of the grounds for divorce and child custody).

I cannot stop thinking about Islam. I've done the silliest of things to convince myself Islam is not for me. For instance, I would drink a bottle of beer with my husband and his family; or walk around in mini skirts, knowing full well I would be stared down, left, right and center. My husband loves it, but I feel SUCH immense guilt afterwards.

To tell you the truth, I am not quite sure why I am writing this. I think its because I want God (or someone) to tell me, jeez, I will help you revert to Islam. I will help convince your husband. I so badly need that support. I want my daughter to know what her mummy is, truly. On the flip side, I want my husband to embrace Islam. And, if he cannot, I will ask God to show me the true person for me.

My biggest disappointment is that after 15 years, I still don't know how to read the Koran or perform prayer. Further, my insecurities towards embracing Islam is jeopardizing my future goals. I stalk other muslim attorney profiles in New York, trying to convince myself that one day I will be a muslim attorney. I studied Islamic Finance Law, but I can't seem to convince myself to tell others what I REALLY want to pursue in my life.

If someone has an answer to all of this, please help me.
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 27 April 2014 at 8:07am
Welcome to Islamicity, and what a completely fascinating story. In the early days of the religion of Islam there were people who had faith in Islam and kept it hidden. Also, those who secretly converted without revealing this to their family out of fear. Islam is to testify that you believe there is no god worthy of worship but the creator of the heavens and earth, and all that is between (Allah), and that Muhammad is His Prophet and Messenger. Go ahead and make this declaration and you will enter the fold of Islam. It isn't necessary to tell anyone about your conversion. You can then begin learning how to pray, and moreover, pray for your husband as well. I suggest that you also begin studying for the New Jersey Bar Exam, which will allow for having marketable skills should the need arise in the future. Take things one step at a time, but by all means be proactive, wise and deliberate. Concentrate more on the pursuit and acquisition of your goals and worry less about broadcasting or telling others. All the best to you, as you sound like a truly wonderful person.
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Quote Abu Loren Replybullet Posted: 27 April 2014 at 11:20am
If I may offer an alternative side to what you are feeling.
This may sound strange to some people.....

When I was young I had 'Islamic qualities' such as disliking women who wear scantily clad dresses, going out partying, drinking etc etc. I believe many people outside of Islam feel this, and of course, the conviction that there is only ONE God.

It seems to be very easy just to say the word 'convert' but most people do not know the hardship and turmoil this entails. The main thing, in my opinion, is that we fear very much what our family and friends may feel. It's like that we are somehow betraying them.

As a former Christian I was taught to hate Muslims and Islam, and the funny thing was I never knew why until a few years ago. It's just people's perception of winning and losing.

If you feel that your Creator is calling you then you must answer that call, whatever the consequences. For the sake of your salvation, for you to spend eternity with Him rather than spending eternity in hell fire.

Sometimes some sacrifices have to be made in order to be happy and to please your Maker. Unfortunately one of those sacrifices may have to be the separation or divorce of your spouse.

Allahu Alum!
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ll0OoO0ll
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Quote ll0OoO0ll Replybullet Posted: 29 April 2014 at 3:08pm
This is a testing situation; however, Allah does not put burden upon us more than what we can bear.

We definitely don't want to shatter your family, your daughter is the utmost importance here, and as you have said it correctly, the ideal situation would be that your husband accepts Islam and Inshallah things will fall into the right place.

So,
First off, we never know when does the death take our soul away from this world so NEVER DIE NON-MUSLIM. As abuaiysha said, declare the shahada and become a believer. Practice whatever Islamic things you can and don't make it too hard on yourself as it's the beginning, and keep doing the good deeds to even out with the mistakes. The goal is, if you leave this world unplanned and unscheduled, you take the emaan in your heart with you Insha-allah.

The biggest challenge you will have now is the Unislamic jurisprudence of being a Muslim female married to a non-Muslim. This is definitely a big No, No. So to counter that you will need to either start a direct (and very polite) talk to your husband, OR make a plan.

Option 1.

Here is what I think of a plan. Find a good female Muslim friend who is married. Share you situation and story with her and plan to invite her family to your home as often as your can, and also take your family to her home as much as possible. Her husband has to be part of the plan. The idea is to get your husband more exposed to inside of an Islamic family environment and values so he may appreciate the good things (dress code - prayers - good manners - no alcohol - respect for parents - worshiping one God etc), it is also VERY important that you keep praying to Allah for your husband to be accepted in Islam.

Once your husband is more comfortable in the Islamic environment, perhaps then you can start talking to him by appreciating the Islamic values and manners - who knows if Allah opens up his heart.

So in this way, you actually played your part and you tried your best. If it doesn't happen then perhaps you can tell him that you want to become a Muslim, what are your thoughts?
If he is ready to become a Muslim just to stay with you, even then you don't lose hope and start working on him by taking the kid to mosque and getting him along with you. Who knows if Masjid's environment and getting social with other Muslims opens up his heart?

If he is not ready at all then you will have to take the inevitable step and part your ways by trusting Allah. Inshallah Allah will bless you with an even better situation.

But if you just shun him then he will never get a chance of getting dawah (invitation to Islam) from you. So the idea is, you played your part, you did your effort and you did dua for him - it's now up to Allah whether Allah gives him Hidayah or not. We will also pray for you and him, and Inshallah only good will come out of it.

I am in NY and it's a little far for our families to get social or else I would have had you talk to my wife to make this plan. You both would have been a good match to each other as she is a physician and you are a lawyer - aren't we husbands the lucky one here? lol haha :)

But yes, I do have a good friend who lives in Paterson NJ. He and his wife are involved in Dawah and Tableegh. I may talk to him if you choose this route.

-------------------------------------------

Option 2.


We don't know your exact situation but option 2 is somewhat along the same lines of what Abu Loren said.

IF you think you can manage on your own for yourself and for your daughter, and IF you have a feeling that you have already tried your best with your Husband about Islamic Dawah and he won't accept it, then.

1. Say the Shahada in privacy - No need to to announce it to anyone
2. Immediately file for divorce and move out with your daughter.

In this case the judge or your husband does not know that you have changed your religion and this is the reason why you want to separate, so the kid stays with you after the separation.
Once divorce is signed off, you can publicly announce Shahada, and move close to a Masjid area where you and your kid could easily stay connected with the community.


Either way, stay in touch with us here and Inshallah we will find a way.




Edited by ll0OoO0ll - 30 April 2014 at 10:20am
There is no atheist on a sinking ship.
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akh2014
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Quote akh2014 Replybullet Posted: 30 April 2014 at 11:18am
Abuayisha: Thank you for your message. I've been studying for my NY bar. Hopefully, things will be fine!

I have a question for you - in Islam is it a sin to live with a non-muslim? And if so, would it make any difference if my (personal) mission would be to help him revert with me (time unspecified)?

Edited by akh2014 - 30 April 2014 at 11:20am
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abuayisha
 
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 30 April 2014 at 4:37pm
Your question requires specificity, however generally speaking, it is not a sin to live with a non-Muslims provided certain conditions are met.
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Quote abuayisha Replybullet Posted: 30 April 2014 at 4:48pm
The decision of the European fatwa and research council allowing a wife to remain with her non-Muslim husband was the most important decisions made in the eighth meeting of the council held July 18-22, 2001, in the Spanish city of Valencia. The meeting was headed by Dr. Youssef Al-Qardawi, president of the council.


Al-Qardawi explains, "according to the schools of Islamic Shari’a [law] a Muslims woman can marry only a Muslim. This is a point on which all the scholars agreed. Another point of disagreements was that whether the woman should stay with her non-Muslim husband if she decided to join Islam."


... "In my opinion allowing them to stay with their husbands, which agrees with the Qur’an and is supported by opinions of Ali Ibn Abi-Taleb, goes with the needs of new Muslim women in non-Muslim lands, especially if they have children from that marriage... It may disagree with what many scholars are familiar with. But it does have bases in Islam."


Counselor sheikh Feisal Mawlawi, vice-president of the council elaborates, "This study is limited to a woman living in a non-Muslim country... and decided to join Islam while her husband will remain non-Muslim... First, if the husband is not a person she is allowed to marry in Islam, i.e. a brother or else, the marriage is broken immediately... Other than that, there are bases in Islam to let her stay with him..."
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ll0OoO0ll
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Quote ll0OoO0ll Replybullet Posted: 30 April 2014 at 6:32pm
Originally posted by abuayisha

The decision of the European fatwa and research council allowing a wife to remain with her non-Muslim husband was the most important decisions made in the eighth meeting of the council held July 18-22, 2001, in the Spanish city of Valencia. The meeting was headed by Dr. Youssef Al-Qardawi, president of the council.


Al-Qardawi explains, "according to the schools of Islamic Shari’a [law] a Muslims woman can marry only a Muslim. This is a point on which all the scholars agreed. Another point of disagreements was that whether the woman should stay with her non-Muslim husband if she decided to join Islam."


... "In my opinion allowing them to stay with their husbands, which agrees with the Qur’an and is supported by opinions of Ali Ibn Abi-Taleb, goes with the needs of new Muslim women in non-Muslim lands, especially if they have children from that marriage... It may disagree with what many scholars are familiar with. But it does have bases in Islam."


Counselor sheikh Feisal Mawlawi, vice-president of the council elaborates, "This study is limited to a woman living in a non-Muslim country... and decided to join Islam while her husband will remain non-Muslim... First, if the husband is not a person she is allowed to marry in Islam, i.e. a brother or else, the marriage is broken immediately... Other than that, there are bases in Islam to let her stay with him..."


Jazak Allah ya Sheikh.
I have a question here for my own understanding. Does the husband in this case has to be from the "Ahl-e-Kitab" (Christian or Jewish) or he could be from any religion or even atheist or agnostic?
There is no atheist on a sinking ship.
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