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Family Matter
 IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum : Culture & Community : Family Matter
Message Icon Topic: Please read in full, sorry if it is long, Post Reply Post New Topic
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ufarooq786
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Quote ufarooq786 Replybullet Topic: Please read in full, sorry if it is long,
    Posted: 25 February 2014 at 12:45pm
I am seeking help in a difficult situation I am in. I wish not to publicize everything about my situation, but I must to explain my whole situation. I had met a girl when i was 24 and within 2 months told my mother of her, with intentions of marriage but none at the moment was told to her. Right away she had negativity towards the girl though she never even met her or anything. I did not have a professional job at the time, but few months later I did, Alhamdulillah it was a well paying job. When i asked my parents for a nikkah, they had scolded me saying i am being forced by her family and that it is because of my pay check. It boggled my mind as i never thought my parents would have reacted that way. They strictly did not allow for a nikkah because " I was too young". They had agreed for a engagement, which merely meant nothing to me. Over the following few months my parents never accepted her like that because " her fmaily was not of status" though my family was never wealthy , we had enough money to survive, Alhamdulillah. I had taken a job in a different state and left angered at my parents because of how they constantly spoke to me about her or even directly to her. They were very rude about her never were happy for me and i didnt understand why. I didnt speak to my mother for 3 months because i was very hurt by her words, i spoke to my dad only on the phone. I had asked for a nikkah again but was denied though i asked my father to consent and be present when i get my nikkah. He only bad mouthed me and her fmaily and did not show up. I went and got a nikkah. 2 weeks later my father committed suicide. Its been a year now. I have been broken and torn up inside. There is massive distance between me mother and I. She has wished divorce upon me and resents my wife and her fmaily blaming them for it. My wife has gotten very sick in the past year.My wife hates my mother and stops me from seeing her or talking to her often. I am in a difficult situation as i dont know what to do.

Edited by ufarooq786 - 25 February 2014 at 12:52pm
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Caringheart
 
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Quote Caringheart Replybullet Posted: 26 February 2014 at 12:16pm
Greetings ufarooq,

I feel so, so sorry for your situation and don't know what to say about a solution.  It may be helpful to others though, that you shared.  My advice, had things not already taken the turns which they have, would have been to exercise patience.  God often wants us to be patient, to learn patience, trusting in Him, and He rewards patience.  Perhaps you will help someone else reading to consider to be patient and not rush to nikka, instead taking the route of patience... taking the time to prove love and honor, giving parents time to see and accept their choice as the right and acceptable one before going forward.  My daughter once entered a dating relationship I did not approve but when the young man backed off, showing his respect for her and her relationship with me, he earned my respect.  They continued their friendship but with caution and without shutting me out, and with keeping boundaries in place between them.  My daughter and I maintained our good relationship due to her respectfulness of me and my input into the situation without having to compromise in her making her own choice.  She proceeded but with guidance.  This grew my respect for her and my belief in her sensibilities, and strengthened our bond with one another.

Unfortunately you, now, with the situation that has been created, are caught in the middle of two women who love you, and who I presume you also love.  This is the very worst place to be.  These women if they are to love you freely, would be better able to do so, if they cared for one another also.  Your fathers actions, while you can not accept responsibility for them... he must have had problems of his own to do such a thing... it is too bad he did not seek help...
but your fathers actions have only made things that much more difficult for you and your mother now.
I will pray that God will bring a solution... that perhaps your mother will come to value the love she can still have from you through acceptance of the choice you have made in your wife.  If your mother can come to accept your wife then prayerfully your wife can also accept your mother.

Wishing you my heartfelt prayers,
Caringheart
Let us seek Truth together
Blessed be God forever
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iec786
 
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Quote iec786 Replybullet Posted: 26 February 2014 at 12:32pm

Salaams,ufarooq786,

You have nothing to regret.The stubbornness of your parents was wrong.You did the right thing by getting married and not committing zina.Your father committed suicide but that is his own choice.The present you need to sit with your wife and discuss with her that she should understand that you do not want to disrespect your mother and that she should not stop you from seeing your mother however you should not force her to visit your mother.When you visit your mother stay away from the wife topic and do not let your mother poison you against your wife.

Remember many mothers use the words Jannah lies under the feet of your mother,but most of them do not realise that the statement is for those parents that are going only to jannah and as we know no person is certain of Jannah,SO THAT STATEMENT HOLDS NO WATER.

We will make dua and ask Allah for guidance and also visit your local ulama and discuss this problem with them.
Salaams
Ismail.
    
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NABA
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Quote NABA Replybullet Posted: 26 February 2014 at 7:39pm
Assalamalecum brother,look brother I myself at present is 24 years of age but what U did was wrong frankly because U said U had not talked to ur mother for 3 months and ur father bad mouthed U bcoz of a girl U disrespect ur parents,Allah says in Qur'an in ch 17 v 23-24-that worship Allah,there is nothing like him and when ur parents reach senescence b good to them never backfire them U shud not utter even offf and pray to lord to shower mercy on them.ur parents were 100% right that ur age was not good for marriage if U have stayed a little bit more longer not only U cud plz ur parents and Allah but also Allah cud have gifted U a more beautiful and pious wife,I also say what ur father did was definitely wrong bcoz Allah says in Qur'an in ch 2 v 195 that never let ur own hands to b the cause of ur own destruction.explain to ur wife that its ur duty to look after ur mother,because Prophet Muhammad S.A.W(pbuh) said the person U shud loved the most is ur mother.So try to shave off the distance between ur mother n ur wife and pray to Allah to solve ur problem.i will pray for U to Allah to solve ur problem.in Sha Allah everything will b fine.
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