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Message Icon Topic: Torn - engagement Post Reply Post New Topic
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Quote inspiration Replybullet Topic: Torn - engagement
    Posted: 18 May 2013 at 11:04am
Alsalamu 3alaikum w RahmatuAllah w Barakatu

Salam Sisters

I'm facing a dilemma that I have been holding in since I have gotten engaged. I got engaged a few months ago to a man who my family knows quite well. I got to know him and I wouldn't say I was pressured, but I felt my parents wanted me to give him a chance. I didn't want to at first because I wanted to meet someone on my own because I want to feel in love. I'm over 20 and at an age where I should be in the process of getting married. So I decided to make my parents happy and have them see me get married as that would the best decision, before it's too late. We did our fateha and our katb ktab in a few weeks before the wedding in September. He's a great man and I'm sure he will make an amazing husband because he shows he loves me. I know it's rare to find someone like that. However, I want to feel chemistry, feel excited and want to see him. I do admit part of the reason I didn't want to was because of his looks but I didn't want to seem shallow. Sometimes I feel happy with him and then the next, I feel confused and questioning the whole engagement. I always think that maybe I will love him after I get married. I just want to be able to want to talk to him and feel butterflies.... Like I did with one guy my dad introduced me to a few years back (we'll call him B). This is where I am torn.

The guy I met a few years back in 2010. I went on a trip with my dad to see his friend and his friend has a son (B). At the first meeting, I felt butterflies. I felt so comfortable talking to him. He asked my dad for my email and I assumed it's because he wanted to get to know me and get married. We talked for a while and when I told him how I felt and wanted to move on to the next level and get engaged, he was not ready. I stopped talking to him. I wanted someone to chase after me, not the other way around. We kept talking on and off, with a huge gap in months. I got engaged, still didn't talk to B because I wanted to respect my fiance. It has been around 6 months since we talked and he contacted me to catch up. I wanted to see what he wanted because I was curious. I didn't tell him I was engaged because I wanted to see if he wanted to be with me. I can sense that he does want to be with me but he hasn't expressed anything. He lives 5 hours away so it was hard for us to be together and he didn't want to get to know me electronically.

I'm just worried that if I get married, I will regret it. I will think, I could have done better. Or what if I went in this direction. Or what if I waited to see other potentials (which not many came because I can sense they feel intimidated and scared to approach me). I'm worried if I break it off for lack of reason, I will get punished by Allah (SWT) for hurting someone emotionally. I will get punished by not finding someone else. I will get punished by not having kids. Only Allah (SWT) knows. I guess, I don't want to break it off because I won't find someone who would want to be with someone who was engaged before.

Maybe it's the Shaytan getting into my head. I honestly don't know. I guess I fear that I will regret this marriage. What can I do? What SHOULD I do? Will marriage change my feelings for him? Will I grow to love him?? Any guidance will help. Jazaakumunna-llaahu khayran.
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Nausheen
 
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Quote Nausheen Replybullet Posted: 28 June 2013 at 10:32pm
Your piece reminds me of someone I know who went thru a similar experience.

She met a guy in a friend's wedding where she had stayed with her friend for few days ... talked with this guy, they both seemed to like each other - he wanted to get her contacts -
A month later her parents were pushing her into an arranged marriage, that guy was not ready for any such commitment at that point in life. She had similar thoughts, what if ... this and that ...
she married this proposal thru the parents.

The marriage did not work unfortunately. After 17 years, She still thinks what if she had waited and given that guy a chance...

Guess this is life [IMG]smileys/smiley17.gif" align="middle" />

Edited by Nausheen - 28 June 2013 at 10:33pm
Wanu nazzilu minal Qurani ma huwa
Shafaa un wa rahmatun lil mo'mineena
wa la yaziduzzalimeena illa khasara.
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