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Groups – Women (Sisters)
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Message Icon Topic: Living with Inlaws,am i asking too much? Post Reply Post New Topic
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M E X I
 
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Quote M E X I Replybullet Posted: 28 March 2006 at 1:28pm

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh...

Al7amdulelah sister Amah.. may He for Whos Sake you love me Love you too .... 

May Allah bless you and grant you strong eman and all of us ameen ya rab

“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”
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amah
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Quote amah Replybullet Posted: 28 March 2006 at 7:31pm
Sister Jenni , jazakallahukhair for your post. Your husband did the right thing, i totally agree that when we draw boundaries, everyone knows where not to step. I pray all men would do this....

wassalaam

Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)
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rashidr
 
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Quote rashidr Replybullet Posted: 30 March 2006 at 1:47pm

 

Assalam u alaikum Sisters,

Thank you to all the sisters  for all the advice. Its soooo wonderful to know that there are so many women out there who  understand my dilemma.Thing is I disagree with Mexi and many other women who say that you should live with in-laws to pleaese your husband. One thing Mexi: My husband told me straight up when I was married that I will not be allowed to goto school unless I had scholarships or grants. If he had to pay and he couldnt or if I had loans then there was no way I could goto school. Alhumdulillah Allah helped me and I got a few scholarships and alot of grants Alhumdulillah. Second thing: My mother in law spoils her son like crazy. For example if we are at a gathering and he asks ME to get him food, she jumps up and before I can say or do anything immediately asks him what he wants and then will go get it herself even if she knows he requested it from me. She doesnt even look at me or give me the right of being the wife who gets her husband food! Little things like that that I have overlooked for so long because I thought 'O! it's ok, atleast I have a home I can go back to after this and I'm not going home with her'. Yes it's true that my husband will not have much money when he is going to school, but Allah always makes a way if we have intention of doing the right thing. His parents have mashaAllah alot of money. Moneyy that he will take to study anyway witht he intention of returning it WITHOUT interest to HIS parents. It's not like there is no way to provide for a little aprtment that doesnt cost too much at all especially with me working, I don't care for fancy things or materialistic cars.I m asking for a small studio where we can lay on the ground and sleep at night in peace and I can wake up to my own kitchen and my own bathroom without being asked what he wants for breakfast or when HE will come back. Itts true, I know my mother in law will never get in my business, like ask me anything about me, but my husbands business is MY business insnt it?If she is constantly asking me when he is coming back from class, getting him food, doing his laundry, talking to him and not so much to me and literally getting our business out of him because he is HER SON, throwing parties and expecting me to be there and not just that but help HER prepare them, then this is not fair. I believe Allah gave women this one right to  live seperately for a reason.Not everybody has good intentions and that includes mothers in law.Everytime she does something I dont like, she KNOWS.She knows I will be upset, she knows I will ask my husband about it. I am not asking my husband anything he cannot do, sometimes I feel it is ok to push alittle.I try my best to make him happy.I never have put school or anything else over him. I am not asking even now, for anything he CANNOT provide, he just needs to be pushed because if I dont then he will take it easy. Ofcourse if the option is paying some moeny and NO money in rent, and if I take it easy and tell him' o its ok we'll live at the parents house' then OFCOURSE he will take this option.Sometimes the wife has to push, and every woman knows her husbands capabilities and what he can and cannot do. I believe that this wont be this easiest thing in the world especialy when we are both full tiem students, but he has to remeber that he married me FIRST and went to school AFTER which puts him in a situation where his priorities as a spouse should be given the highest preference.He cannot forget his responsibilities.Yes, it would make HIS LIFE easier financially but MY life much MUCH harder family wise. When I have given him his rights of going to bed with him whenever he wants, serving him hot food and taking care of his belongings and his clothes then he can and should do this for me. One more thing, his mother still continues to meet with and associate with the girl he was very close to marrying before me KNOWING that I dislike this.My mother knows this hurts me, and this should not be taken so lightly because this other woman was THIS close to having sex with my husband, how can you expect any wife to overlook this?

 My husband and this woman were very cllose and i run in the same circles as her, i should not have to put up with this but I do for the sake of my husband because  whenever I have said anything it has caused a fight between my husband and me. Knowing all this, should i not ask for an apartment -no matter how run down since i dont care about that -for some peace of mind? My husband doesnt have the gutts to tell his parents that I willd o certain things my way because I am different from his mother. He cannot say this now when we do live seperate, I know he wont say it for sure if we live with them. drawing boundaries is very important, and helps alot and I believe I am doing just that by asking for my place.

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Quote M E X I Replybullet Posted: 30 March 2006 at 3:14pm

as'salam alaykum wara7matu Allah wa barakatuh....

Subhana'allah... sister Rashidr.. first of all..., if I wrote everything what till now you have read, and if my opinion was "so submissive" it was because from the beginning you never expressed the problems that you had with your mother in law as you did now, you didn't say openly the way she was behaving of, get sure that if from the beginning you had said everything what you have said, I had been the first one in advising you to ask your husband looking for a place away of your inlaw.

You said..>>>>>>

My husband just found out that he will be starting school in the Fall Inshallah and  he will have to quit his job because it will be full time school. For this he has asked me to think about living with his parents. His program will last 2 full years. I am finding this request very difficult to do. He says if we move in May 2006 then he will be able to save a little money thru summer till august before he starts school in september.

I am in a dilemma and some days I just think that I have a right and I should be given it especially since I am really trying to be  really good ot his parents. I dont know what to do. Should I put my foot down? Should I just do as he asked to relieve him of some financial burden? i love my husband very much but I just feel this is a bad decision especially for our marriage. Does anybody have any suggestions?

With this I could understand, if he was asking to live with his parents, probably because it was not feasible for him to pay a department after quit the work; this is what i got with your statement my dear sister, I didn't mean that your husband is not capable to do something more... Some men just cannot understand that we women can work and support them with money, YES we can help them but this just with time and talking with them, only with this they will or MIGHT understand it... or maybe they won't even after some years married. Why? bcz this is their nature, and I was thinking that if he asked you to move to his parents it was bcz maybe he didn't want you working or doing some other things... ALLAHU A3LAAM... I think you got my point....

Also..I don't know where is your husband from... bcz this have repercussions on the way as he thinks and so much in the way as his mother spoils him, so just check this out..

Again and AGAIN!! for you and for all those sisters who were hung of the roof on having heard my point of view... My idea is to support our husbands in all that we can, OBVIOUSLY without losing the rights that as wives and women we have. I hold my idea, I know that it is very difficult to live with the fathers in law, it is very difficult to handle the situation that you have told us, but if for my husband there is no another way, I wouldn't think about another thing that to try to enjoy the party in peace with my fathers in law, to be more intelligent than my mother in law and to act in a correct way making them all  satisfied.

But this is my point of view..... and if you said, your husband can face and deal with expensives, and he can understand that you will work and help him then goahead and go for it...

In any decision my sister i am sure all the sisters over here will support you and for sure we will make du3a for you...

May Allah guide you and help you with this hard situation, make your husband understand what you are expecting for ameen.

  

 

“Make straight your path, while daylight's shining yet”
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rashidr
 
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Quote rashidr Replybullet Posted: 30 March 2006 at 6:36pm

 

Salam 'alaikum sister mexi,

I'm sorry i didn't explain the situation properly. I would still like to stress that his mother is good in the ways that she never probes me for answers or tells me to do something or gets into my business. she is good like that because she had major probpems with her own mother in law and because my husband's father is my maternal uncle. (My mothers brother) My husband is from pakistan and he was born and raised in Michigan. I was born and raised in Dubai and I never had grandparents that lived with us so i never knew how it was to live together although i never favored it or found it attractive. My mother was lucky i n this regard. This does not mean she had any fewer problems with her in laws. My husband's mother has pretty much always lived with her inlaws and I have heard terrible stories about her problems with my husbands grandmother (who is also my grandmother, my maternal grandmother). Sometimes i feel my mother in law has taken onthe characteristics of my grandmother (my grandmother in her younger days) and kind of takes some of her bitterness out on me. She thn ks because she was treated so badly, it's ok if i'm treated a little badly. This statement she has not exactly refuted when my husband asked her about this on a particulary hurtful occasion when she did something and a fact that my father-in law himself told us. So it is a testful time for me right now. I have heard good news from my husband that we will inshallah live seperate during the summer because I found a really good deal with a friend on campus at school. But Fall is a seperate issue. Inshaallah i'm hoping and praying really hard that he will see how beneficial this is to us himself. One of his sisters is coming back from her trip to Egypt and she is coming staying with her parents for a while. When i heard this, i thought- What if we lived there too? It would be soo  inconvenient even though i love his sister dearly and she is my first cousin. Its hard for parents not to show mmuch more affection to their daughters, especially married youngest daughters. But i donot hold this agsinst them becaus emy parents do the same thing although my brother is not yet married. I do thin k about this when he will be married and i tell my mother now that she has to be fair to her daughter in law because i am a duaghter in law and I know how it feels.So inshaAllah, please pray for me and this time. It is difficult but i am certain that InshaAllah Allah will make things easier. Inshaallah.  It is important to rember that as soon as we start walking away from Allah's laws, that's when we run into trouble and then we complain:)

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amah
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Quote amah Replybullet Posted: 31 March 2006 at 8:15pm
Assalaamualaikum,

dear sister rashidr, we pray that Allah makes it easy for you and give you your own house always and peace of mind. after reading your whole story i realize again, that most mother in laws are same!

Even if inlaws are "nice" , to maintain good relations, a distance is necessary, and that distance can be kept only if you live separately. Living in the same house creates lotsa of problems.

My mother inlaw goes to the extent of playing games and proving to people how bad i am ..... please pray for me too that she stays away!

Take care sister, have tawakkul on Allah, all the best!
wassalaam

Allah is Sufficient as a Walee (Protector) and Allah is Sufficient as a Naseer (Helper).
(Surah An-Nisa, Chapter #4, Verse #45)
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Danty
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Quote Danty Replybullet Posted: 01 April 2006 at 7:23pm
Dear Sister,
My husband and I lived with my parents in the beginning of our marriage because we both were in school. It was not that bad. If you decide to live with your husbands parents have lots of patience. The beginning years of marriage are probably the most challenging. You know, my sister and her husband and my sister in law also lived with us. There was a lot of stress but there were many good experiences being with family members. I learned a lot of patience at that time. The best outcome of this situation is that I had a baby(lots of help provided) and my husband got his degree and surely appreciated the way I stood by him during this difficult time in our life. All I can say,is pray and do what you can to make yours and your husbands life good. P.S. Don't do anything you will regret the rest of your life. May Allah help and protect your family. salam

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