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Heartbroken
 
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Quote Heartbroken Replybullet Topic: heartbroken over a person. Need insight
    Posted: 07 February 2013 at 11:18am
I had a family friend from childhood who I got in touch with a year ago on fb. we started talking and realized how similar we were. Our talking became more constant to the point where we were talking everyday for hours and a few months later finally met for dinner, he bought me a book and we met a few times after at his cousins parties and moves. I started really liking him and the way he spoke to me constantly made me feel he felt the same way. I never realized how attached i got to him. His family lives in the states so even when he was there he would be texting me all the time until we both fell asleep. And yes we always flirted with one another. he would bring up marriage with me but in a joking or playful way so i wouldn't respond seriously either. i was waiting for him to ask my seriously. until a week ago he was the same with me, sending me kiss icons and calling me sweety. but one day all of a sudden texted me and told me he really wants to settle and have kids and if i like any of his cousins which i had met i can tell him. i was a little taken aback but said no i only liked him. a week after he came back from his trip he told me he found someone and got engaged and is getting married in the summer. i was so shocked i never even saw it coming. i then told him i really liked him to which he said he had no idea and that he didnt know i was into him. i couldn't find it in me to confront anything otherwise he would say its not like we were in a relationship. I have been crying every day since then, first regretting maybe i should have told him he really didn't know? i wasnt proactive enough or secondly he just stringed me along while he was seriously considering someone else? he then invited me to his wedding and said you are a good friend and i want to keep it that way, if anything he will be friends with my future husband.

how could he be flirting and talking to me for hours everyday for 1 year and then say i had no idea? he said i thought we were just having fun that i was strict about guys who occasionaly drank (which i said a long time ago) and he even told me after he's gonna stop after marriage which made me like him even more. But not to add drama in someone who is getting married's life i joked and said yea i will come to the wedding if i can dont worry and left it at that. but inside i am shattered.

i have been crying everyday since then, i hardly sleep at night. i know its too late and i should move on and know its not meant to be but that does not help. I dont know if this guy was really just having fun and didnt think of me or was intentionally doing this. if i knew he was seriously considering someone else i would have left his life a long time ago. not waited to find out on his engagement day. he still texts me jokes and stuff now and then to make sure we are cool. if he was just seeing and talking to me strictly as a friend why didnt he tell me he was considering another girl? friends tell friends that.

i want to confront him and tell him how could he do this. but i feel like i never earned that right, i was not his girlfriend and it's not like he ever told me we'd get married. the blame is all on me where i cant even say anything to him. and now it is killing me inside. i am really taking this very hard, i have made myself sick smoking, not eating or sleeping. my managers at work took me aside and asked me if i am ok because my eyes are always red and i dont even dress up to work anymore. i just feel so lost, hurt, confused by his actions and even if i should say anything to him because he got away without even knowing how much he impacted me.
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us2inNorway
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Quote us2inNorway Replybullet Posted: 08 February 2013 at 12:12pm
Hi...
Started to coment this, but after some thinking....
 
From how you write, and what those lines shows from your personality...
 
Both of us think this can be best explained in one sentence:
 
HIS LOSS.....
 
So take this two words with you on your walk, and the footprints close to yours is ALLAH. He will guide you in the direction to - you know where... When you are there, you will know yourself...
 
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nospam001
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Quote nospam001 Replybullet Posted: 09 February 2013 at 9:27pm
Dear Heatbroken

I'm just guessing of course, but is he a US citizen? Are his parents originally from another country, and is that the same country where he met his fiancee? Are there many people in that country who are eager to migrate to the US? What repercussions would there be supposing he 'married into' a family which (a) is not from his parents' home country and/or (b) has already established a foot-hold in terms of US residency?

It's also possible that he thinks very highly of you - so highly that he cannot risk losing you, ever, for any reason. You'd be surprised how easily some guys can mis-interpret actual 'signals' as 'just my own over-active imagination' when there's such a lot at stake.

Sorry, it's not particularly comforting for you...
Maybe a hug would help.
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Chrysalis
 
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Quote Chrysalis Replybullet Posted: 12 February 2013 at 3:43am
Originally posted by Heartbroken

. I have been crying every day since then, first regretting maybe i should have told him he really didn't know? i wasnt proactive enough or secondly he just stringed me along while he was seriously considering someone else? .



There is no way he didn't know you liked him, and NO it was NOT YOUR JOB to let him know you wanted to marry him. If he was a man, he would have asked you to marry him. He would have at-least tried... or given you a heads up. If he was raised in the US, even more so, because parents are a lot more flexible and lenient about the son picking a girl and saying he wants to marry so & so.

He was definitely just having fun, and trust me, he probably was not as serious as you. Women tend to get more serious and emotionally involved then men. They also tend to get hurt more and are more sensitive, whereas MOST men find it very easy to forget and move on.

I used to have a muslim colleague at university who had 2 girlfriends at the same time. One a muslim, the other a nonmuslim. He was in a relationship with the nonmuslim girl for 7 YEARS! Yet he had another GF from the same ethnicty as him.  It was amazing how he managed to have two GFs at the same time, both hopelessly in love with him. Both thought he was going to marry them... they had NO IDEA. He was the ''perfect boyfriend''. He was also a perfectly nice polite guy! yet...

So yeah... if a man can cheat on a GF of seven years... and the girl does not have a clue... what does that tell you about men? Both my father and husband say (jokingly) when it comes to flattery and praise, women become blind and can be easily fooled.

Wounds heal over time, provided you don't scrape at them. Cut off all contact with him. Only then will you heal. (find an excuse such as you lost all the contacts on your phone, to protect your dignity). Insh'Allah this was a good lesson to learn... because as Muslims we believe everything happens for a reason. It was also probably good riddance. You would never have the strength to break-off with him, so Allah found a way. (I mean, he used to drink!!!) Focus on your future now, and build healthy, halal relationships inshA'llah.








"O Lord, forgive me, my parents and Muslims in the Hereafter. O Lord, show mercy on them as they showed mercy to me when I was young."
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seeja
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Quote seeja Replybullet Posted: 13 February 2013 at 9:00pm

It happens in most of the relationships where there is no religious bond. Man and woman ( who are not “mahrams”) are not allowed to contact, even through phone or any other media. If we are having something to tell we should tell it before the relationship grows to a stage which is not correct as per Islam.

Islam (Total Surrender, Submission, Obedience, Sincerity and Peace with Allah) is for all people, in all places and in all times
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Heartbroken
 
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Quote Heartbroken Replybullet Posted: 21 February 2013 at 3:51pm
I really would like to thank you all for your responses. i have actually read all your responses a few times each as i was feeling so lost! i am still having a very hard time dealing with this. i agree and realized now that he never took me seriously. when i asked him recently about the sudden nature of his wedding, he made me look so st**id saying, that  i knew all along he was looking for girls and that i wasnt the only girl he knew for the last year, that this girl and him became serious much later on it wasnt going on from before. i got so hurt the way he made it seem like our talking for one year was really nothing because we only met in person a few times. i took the blame and did not continue the discussion further and left the conversation on good terms. although i wanted to ask why he was constantly talking to me for one year, flirting, talking to me all night, telling me i'm so beautiful and just made it seem he was so interested in me, who does that? as a girl obviously over time i started getting used to him and was waiting for him to just commit when he felt ready, not abruptly tell me he's engaged. now he labels it as we were having fun as friends and that he never thought i would like him. 
 
i basically feel used now, he left me when it was convenient for him, hid all the details about his engagement and now turns the situation around on me making me feel like the dumb one that i was fully aware of his situation, that he was talking to a lot of proposal girls and i should not be shocked. yes, we both used to discuss proposals we used to get from people, who doesnt at our age. personally if i started to take another guy seriously, a. i would have the courtesy to either tell him and b. i would not continue talking to him constantly as its not fair to either. i wanted to argue this with him so badly to get it all out but felt too hurt as he just downplayed the whole situation since i was not in a official relationship or anything with him and also made it seem that our friendship was nothing big as he was unaware i liked him and he wants me to stay his good friend. asked me to come to his wedding.
 
i know its done, i'm just finding it very hard to move on. there is so much marriage pressure on me., parents tell me i need to find a guy in a marriage bureau or newspaper ad just the thought alone scares me. i feel so betrayed now and every day wake up thinking i should have dealt with this situation better or atleast be strong enough to fight back the way he did all this not be nice about it and accept full blame, that i wasnt smart enough to ask where it was going all this time. i feel low and silly as a person. it also hurts me alot that he is going to be married to someone else, cant stop picturing it. i wake up at 4-5 am and only getting a few hours of sleep everynight. praying 5 times a day, reading quran but as bad as it sounds nothing seems to be helping. i cant stop obsessing over this situation, i feel like i lost someone i was so attached to and saw my whole life with, i want someone like him again in my life, i also feel like i still have to make him aware he hurt me and our he did use me but he got off so easy. some days im depressed, some days angry, some days confused. but i wont and cant talk about this with him anymore, its too late to ask.
 
its been 2 months and i have not improved, cant focus at home, work anywhere, still crying, i hate hearing the words marriage, wedding spouses husband wife drives me crazy!! if you guys have tips, please share. :(
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Caringheart
 
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Quote Caringheart Replybullet Posted: 21 February 2013 at 10:22pm
Greetings Heartbroken,

I am not downplaying your strength of emotion, you are grieving, a natural process.  "This too will pass", to cite a famous quote.

You say;
"its been 2 months and i have not improved, cant focus at home, work anywhere, still crying, i hate hearing the words marriage, wedding spouses husband wife drives me crazy!! if you guys have tips, please share. :("

and to this, I tell you... you are not putting God and His will at the center of your life.  He is the answer.  You must make Him your focus and trust Him for the rest.  I wish you peace,
Caringheart

It is hard being young. Heart


Edited by Caringheart - 21 February 2013 at 10:24pm
Let us seek Truth together
Blessed be God forever
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nospam001
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Quote nospam001 Replybullet Posted: 21 February 2013 at 10:48pm
Originally posted by nospam001

I'm just guessing of course, but is he a US citizen? Are his parents originally from another country, and is that the same country where he met his fiancee? Are there many people in that country who are eager to migrate to the US? What repercussions would there be supposing he 'married into' a family which (a) is not from his parents' home country and/or (b) has already established a foot-hold in terms of US residency?

Originally posted by Heartbroken

he was talking to a lot of proposal girls and i should not be shocked. yes, we both used to discuss proposals we used to get from people, who doesnt at our age...there is so much marriage pressure on me., parents tell me i need to find a guy in a marriage bureau or newspaper ad
Hi Heartbroken. Were any of my guesses even partly correct?  Or if you prefer: how do you personally feel about the cultural traditions and expectations you have inherited?
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