IslamiCity Forum - Islamic Discussion Forum: At the end of my rope

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Originally posted by Ghazzali

Aassalamualaikum sister.
Sister, it's the same sun that rises everyday, it's the same bird that sings everyday, it's the same path that leads to your house everyday. I guess it's pretty boring as well. As I said before, the real problem here is culture shock more than anything else. You were raised in a free society, where women can do whatever they like, and you were taught that men and women have equal rights. But Islam teaches that as human beings, men and women are equal, but they have different types of rights, based on their responsibilities. The husband's primary duty is to earn money, and the wife's primary duty is to look after the children and house. Obviously, you'll have to spend most of your time at home, if you want to follow Sharia. 

If you were raised in a muslim country, you would have understood these things, and you probably would have been more accepting of staying at home. But since you were raised in North America, it is much more difficult for you to accept that a women would spend most of her time at home.

It's a clash of cultures. The only solution is that one party has to sacrifice their "comfort" zone, and get adjusted to a different culture. Either it's you, or your husband.

May Allah help you.

Greetings Ghazzali,

I would go insane if I could not go outdoors and enjoy the beauty that God created.  It is not natural to be kept within cement walls and not be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun, the shadow of a tree.  No one in early civilization lived any other way but outdoors.  Could you do it, be indoors all the time?  and if you could not, it is possibly right that women should?  God put Adam and Eve in a garden... not Adam in the woods, or mountains, or streets, and the woman inside four walls.  I do wonder what would Allah say about this situation. 

Author	Message
Caringheart Senior Member Joined: 02 March 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1332	Posted: 20 October 2012 at 2:53pm
	*Originally posted by Ghazzali* Aassalamualaikum sister. Sister, it's the same sun that rises everyday, it's the same bird that sings everyday, it's the same path that leads to your house everyday. I guess it's pretty boring as well. As I said before, the real problem here is culture shock more than anything else. You were raised in a free society, where women can do whatever they like, and you were taught that men and women have equal rights. But Islam teaches that as human beings, men and women are equal, but they have different types of rights, based on their responsibilities. The husband's primary duty is to earn money, and the wife's primary duty is to look after the children and house. Obviously, you'll have to spend most of your time at home, if you want to follow Sharia. If you were raised in a muslim country, you would have understood these things, and you probably would have been more accepting of staying at home. But since you were raised in North America, it is much more difficult for you to accept that a women would spend most of her time at home. It's a clash of cultures. The only solution is that one party has to sacrifice their "comfort" zone, and get adjusted to a different culture. Either it's you, or your husband. May Allah help you. Greetings Ghazzali, I would go insane if I could not go outdoors and enjoy the beauty that God created. It is not natural to be kept within cement walls and not be able to enjoy the warmth of the sun, the shadow of a tree. No one in early civilization lived any other way but outdoors. Could you do it, be indoors all the time? and if you could not, it is possibly right that women should? God put Adam and Eve in a garden... not Adam in the woods, or mountains, or streets, and the woman inside four walls. I do wonder what would Allah say about this situation.
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Caringheart Senior Member Joined: 02 March 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1332	Posted: 20 October 2012 at 2:57pm
	*Originally posted by abuayisha* While I certainly agree that Janeausten may not have allowed sufficient time for cultural adjustment, I think a more nuanced approach, likely what her husband has already sought, in sending her to live in Canada. If she is to follow "Sharia" and spend most of her time at home, what about having a brother-in-law in the same home? Janeausten if your husband has allowed for you to live in Canada there is absolutely no problem and you aren't doing anything wrong. I only caution that long distance relationships are extremely difficult to navigate as I'm sure you are aware. From my perspective, I can't even see how it is a family, or a relationship, if you only see your spouse, and child only sees its father, two times a year. *scratches head What was the point of marriage if not to create a family unit? Just from my perspective.
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Caringheart Senior Member Joined: 02 March 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1332	Posted: 20 October 2012 at 3:01pm
	*Originally posted by Ron Webb* Twice a month you get to go out with him, and his parents are calling him to complain that they are "bored" being at home? And he takes those calls?? He should tell his parents that if they continue to bother him with such nonsense he will simply turn off his cell phone. If he won't do that, maybe you should start calling him at his office every other day of the month, telling him he needs to come home early because you're "bored". Hi Ron, I had picked up on that same thing. It matters that his elderly parents are bored but no one will understand how this is for a young wife and child.. that they are bored?
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Caringheart Senior Member Joined: 02 March 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1332	Posted: 20 October 2012 at 3:04pm
	*Originally posted by janeausten* *Originally posted by Caringheart* If your husband is a reasonable man I would talk to him about the whole brother and wife being at home with his parents, and taking some of the burden off him. Shouldn't he get to be with his wife more than two times a year? Shouldn't you be able to live together and not half a world away? It obviously serves no benefit to the two of you for you to live with his parents. It ought to help you to be able to get out of the house, but doesn't even do that. Thank you, CH for your kind reply. :) I appreciate it. My husband says that his younger brother is very irresponsible, and will not take proper care of their parents in my husband's absence. I just wanted to know if others can see any injustice in my situation, or, am I being ungrateful for no reason. Thank you for your reply. It helps. Greetings janeausten, I am glad that my reply helps. Maybe just having us here to let off steam to will help your boredom?
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Ron Webb Male Humanism Senior Member Joined: 30 January 2008 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1408	Posted: 20 October 2012 at 3:58pm
	*Originally posted by Caringheart* *Originally posted by abuayisha* While I certainly agree that Janeausten may not have allowed sufficient time for cultural adjustment, I think a more nuanced approach, likely what her husband has already sought, in sending her to live in Canada. If she is to follow "Sharia" and spend most of her time at home, what about having a brother-in-law in the same home? Janeausten if your husband has allowed for you to live in Canada there is absolutely no problem and you aren't doing anything wrong. I only caution that long distance relationships are extremely difficult to navigate as I'm sure you are aware. From my perspective, I can't even see how it is a family, or a relationship, if you only see your spouse, and child only sees its father, two times a year. *scratches head What was the point of marriage if not to create a family unit? Just from my perspective. I think we all agree in principle that the family should be together, but sometimes hard choices must be made. Unless somebody has another idea, it looks to me like the choices are either for the wife to be virtually imprisoned in her in-laws' home, or for the husband to abandon (as he sees it) his elderly parents, or for the couple to separate and/or divorce. -- or some combination of the above. I agree with abuayisha that a "nuanced approach" is called for. Maybe the wife can stay in Canada during the summer, and spend the winters in Bangladesh. Maybe the husband find get another apartment for his wife and daughter in a safer area of Bangladesh (if there is such a thing), and split his time between the two residences. Maybe he can help her to integrate into the Bangladesh community in some way (language classes, social clubs, charities -- I don't know, my unfamiliarity with the culture is showing here). And I don't know how to put this delicately, but it's always worth remembering that all things are temporary. Circumstances may change, and if nothing else his responsibilities to his parents will come to a natural end at some point. In the meantime, the trick is often just to take it day by day and get through it as best we can.
	Addeenul ‘Aql – Religion is intellect.
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Caringheart Senior Member Joined: 02 March 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 1332	Posted: 20 October 2012 at 5:30pm
	*Originally posted by Ron Webb* I agree with abuayisha that a "nuanced approach" is called for. Maybe the wife can stay in Canada during the summer, and spend the winters in Bangladesh. Maybe the husband find get another apartment for his wife and daughter in a safer area of Bangladesh (if there is such a thing), and split his time between the two residences. Maybe he can help her to integrate into the Bangladesh community in some way (language classes, social clubs, charities -- I don't know, my unfamiliarity with the culture is showing here). And I don't know how to put this delicately, but it's always worth remembering that all things are temporary. Circumstances may change, and if nothing else his responsibilities to his parents will come to a natural end at some point. In the meantime, the trick is often just to take it day by day and get through it as best we can. Oh, so well stated Ron, but then I often agreee with what you write. I had not thought of the winter/summer approach... and yes, all things in life have a way of changing or evolving in time.
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janeausten Starter. Joined: 18 October 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9	Posted: 24 October 2012 at 11:27pm
	*Originally posted by Ron Webb* Jane, it's interesting that your husband says she is not allowed to go out because it is not safe, while Ghazzali seems to assume it is because of Islam and Sharia. I can't help wondering if your husband is being honest about his feelings. Your comments are so logical, Ron! Thank you very much. Actually, my husband is the 2nd of 3 sons so he's not the oldest male. The oldest is living quite happily in a far-off country. Funnily enough, the oldest is the most outwardly religious with beard and everything, prays as often as you breathe, and doesn't appear to have the same concerns regarding taking care of the parents (as my husband does, who is not as religious). Ron, your comments are very sensible. Thank you for breathing some common sense into this thread. How strange that nobody has mentioned that I actually do have an Islamic right to my own separate accomodation. You can all google it and it's right there, in diverse Islamic websites, opinions given by diverse Muslim scholars. And as for the culture issue, or that lil' western me is showing my western colours by wanting to step foot outside my inlaws' house: My husband's younger brother's wife is allowed to go WHEREVER she wants to at whatever time, and nobody - I mean nobody - says a word to her. She comes and goes as she pleases, she doesn't even ask for permission, she just does it. And by the way, she's born and raised in that city. So much for the east-west culture clash argument.
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janeausten Starter. Joined: 18 October 2012 Online Status: Offline Posts: 9	Posted: 24 October 2012 at 11:29pm
	*Originally posted by abuayisha* While I certainly agree that Janeausten may not have allowed sufficient time for cultural adjustment, I think a more nuanced approach, likely what her husband has already sought, in sending her to live in Canada. If she is to follow "Sharia" and spend most of her time at home, what about having a brother-in-law in the same home? Janeausten if your husband has allowed for you to live in Canada there is absolutely no problem and you aren't doing anything wrong. I only caution that long distance relationships are extremely difficult to navigate as I'm sure you are aware. Thank you very much, Abu Ayisha, for your thoughtful reply. Thank you for highlighting a more nuanced approach.
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Topic: At the end of my rope
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