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222dnallohc
 
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Quote 222dnallohc Replybullet Topic: ? about one person slandering another
    Posted: 27 September 2005 at 11:57am

Asalamu Alaikum sisters,

I am interested to find out more about how slander or spreading false stories about another person is dealt with in Islam.  I am a very honest and trustworthy person, and there is someone in my life who I have found out has been making up false stories about me and telling other people.  How do I deal with this situation? 

JazakAllahkhairan

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Jenni
 
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 27 September 2005 at 2:27pm
I find the best medicine is to confront someone directly, ask them if they are talking about you and without using names say what you have heard she said. If you are married talk to your husband and tell the person talking about you that you may have your husband talk to her husband if she persists, men usually will not support thier wives gossiping about others. I think the best thing is to be direct, and if you have to tell people I don't know why she is talking about me, apparently she has too much time on her hands, because I have no time to think about her and what she is doing. Hope that helps.. Peace
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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Quote 222dnallohc Replybullet Posted: 27 September 2005 at 3:29pm

Thank you for your reply Jenni,

I am in a sticky situation because the person in question is my mother in law.  Yikes, I know.  My husband knows that all the things she says are not true, but no matter what he does or how he tries to handle things with her, it doesnt help.  I have not done anything bad to her or lied to her in all of the 11 years of my husband and I knowing eachother.  She makes up stories out of thin air, which are quite shocking to me, and she is often accusing me of doing things I didnt do.  The problem is that she says these things to my husband and other people, but never comes to me to ask me herself.  Unfortunatly, my husband repeats to me what she tells him, and he really needs to stop that.  I have told him to stop telling me these things, I really dont want to know any more, because frankly, it has gotten completely out of hand and ridiculous.  I am so angry and pray that Allah gives me the strength to get through this.  I was about to ask my husband to have her come visit us at our home for a while and it would give me the opportunity to sit down and talk to her.  But before I could do so today, the latest info I got from my husband was that she was insinuating that I did something so horrible and outrageous, that I dont even want to mention it here.  All three of her children got very upset with her for this when they heard her say it.  I told my husband again not to tell me anything anymore...what I dont know wont hurt me, right?

What do I do?  How do I handle this situation?  What do I say to her when I see her?  I know she is the mother of my husband, but I cannot accept this kind of treatment from her any longer.  But from what I can see, there is no stopping it.  It seems I either have to live with it the rest of my life, or leave my husband and I dont want to do that.  and I dont want to create a wedge between my husband and his mother.

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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 27 September 2005 at 4:42pm
222dnallohc- first of all, sorry to hear about your struggles with your inlaw. I find being a convert that one ofthe few benifits of American culture is that generally speaking in-laws stay out of a marraige and leave it to the couple which is best. Unfortunatly in many countries like pakistan, india and even other arab countries the in-laws are overly involved in the marraige and even cause many problems, sometimes even divorce. You do not want to end the relationship between your husband and his mom, however clearly it is YOUR HUSBANDS RESPONSIBILITY to protect you from any harm his family may be bringing on you. And no one of us should let our parents do something that is very bad like slander another person. If your husband wants to protect your marraige he needs to demand to his mother that she stop talking about you period. He needs to tell her that slander and gossip are a great sin in Islam and making false witness to someone doing something wrong is such a great sin that how can she expect Allah to forgive her. If he loves his mother he will not let her do such a thing. I suggest a family meeting where everyone sits down together and that you have someone from your family there like your mom or sister or brother so that you have someone on your side. And then get it all in the open. This should only be a last resort if all else fails. By the way in Islam you do not have the same responsibility to obey his parents like you do your own. So don't feel that your mom inlaw is allowed to make you miserable because she can't. for some reason some mom in laws just want to make problems, they can't stand their son to love a woman and be happy and thier jealousy just makes them cause problems. As a last resort you can tell your husband to handle it or else you may have to move on. Or maybe you can move far away from her with your husband. I hope inshalla things will improve. Peace
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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Quote firewall Replybullet Posted: 27 September 2005 at 5:15pm


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222dnallohc
 
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Quote 222dnallohc Replybullet Posted: 27 September 2005 at 6:10pm

Thank you for your input sisters. 

InshAllah things will work out one day, but at this point she doesnt even wish to speak to me and even forbids her two daughters from speaking to me.  Its been more than a year that we have not spoken.  And all this based on untruth. 

She is also possibly angry that my husband and I came back to live in the states (we were living in Saudi, which she pushed us to do, and then our lives were not happy there, so we came back to the states).  I spent some time alone with her overseas in another middle eastern country before my Saudi visa was approved (before moving to Saudi).  And she told me she wanted me to be another daughter to her and so on and so forth, and she told me all of her inner most secrets and problems, which I listened to and was her shoulder to cry on.  I have always treated her well and I thought we were close.  But its when I am not around her thats when things fall apart.  She has always lived far away from us, so I only see her during visits.  When we lived in the states and when we lived in Saudi, I called her every two weeks at least (an overseas call)- I called her on my own most of the time even when my husband was at work...because I knew she liked that.  But I let myself get upset when I heard through my husband some things she was saying and accusing me of when we lived in Saudi, and things were never the same after that, I really felt betrayed....here I am I gave up my country and my life to move overseas to be closer to her, and she does this to me.  All the time I lived in Saudi, I never got a phone call from her or her daughters to check on me to see how I was adjusting...I always had to be the one to call, otherwise we'd never speak.  Before we moved to Saudi, I had spent my final three months in the states with my sister-in-law and her husband helping them set up in their new life here- they moved to the US from overseas and stayed with us until they got settled- and they never called or emailed to check up on me to see how I was doing in Saudi. 

I suffered a severe back injury while over there and neither my MIL nor her other daughter ever asked me about it when they visited us in our home.  It hurts my feelings, I cant help it.  I have done so much for her and her daughters over the years, I'd at least expect to be treated like a human being.  I feel Ive gone above and beyond what the vast majority of wives do for their husbands family...there is so much I have done for them over these many years and never wanted anything in return but to be treated like a person.  I have had three surgeries in the last 6 months for various things including a miscarriage (after trying to conceive for 2 years), as well as back surgery (with a 2 month recovery), and never received one get well wish from anyone in my husbands family.  It hurts so much.  I cant help but feel hurt.  Am I asking too much of his family...isnt it normal for me to expect them to make a tiny effort every once in a while?

So my husband is visiting his mother at the moment, and he is trying to figure out a way to get our relationship back on track.  I know whats going to happen, I am just going to have to be super nice to her and call her a million times and let her hang the phone up on me for a while.  Then over time she will eventually talk to me, but she will never admit that she made a mistake, and I will just have to live with that.  I plan to politely ask that if she has a question or concern about me, to please let me know directly so we can discuss it.  It just makes me cringe though. 

How do I get over the hurt I feel?  How do I deal with the uncomfortable feeling I will have when I interact with relatives and people that she has told false stories to?  Do I take them aside and talk to them or just ignore it?  I just dont know.  It's like a bad nighmare, but its real life.  I pray that Allah (swt) gives me the strength to get through this and find forgiveness in my heart.



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Jenni
 
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Quote Jenni Replybullet Posted: 27 September 2005 at 6:30pm
firewall, in Islam your parent in laws do not have the same right over you as your own parents, it is not a matter of what you have been taught but what is the truth. Search islammicity's website Q&A ask the Imam, he clearly states and so do most other scholars that you do not have to obey your in laws like your own parents. They do not have the right to tell you what to do and interfere in your marriage, if you want to let them that is your choice. I have a great relationship with my inlaws because we respect and love each other and my husband would not allow his mom to mistreat me or me to mistreat her, it is up to the husband to be strong and lead the family and protect his wife since the family can cause problems.
You cant be a good muslim if you are not decent and have a cold heart. Be a decent and kind person and care for women and children and the elderly.
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Quote kim! Replybullet Posted: 28 September 2005 at 2:49am
I'm sorry, but I have to ask - do ALL (or 95% of) Muslimas have evil mothers in law?

I don't get it - _nowhere_ do I see more sad stories about mothers in law than on Muslim websites.

Why????

WHat is wrong with your mothers in law? Why are they SO nasty?

Truly - I'm not trying to be rude, but it seems to be a dreadful, widespread pattern. What education or socialisation did these women miss out on?

Kim...


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